Struggling with telling anyone I feel close to "it" *trigger warning*

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I posted here before but can't find my thread.

I've been in hospital before for being suicidal with depression/anxiety (last year) and felt myself getting ill again a month or so ago. Went to the GP last week and am on ADs which worked for me before but I'm still having suicidal thoughts and more and more so thinking of plans etc. Thing is I don't feel like going back to the docs as they don't really believe you because lots of people with MH problems say they feel suicidal and you just blend in with them and maybe I won't pluck up enough courage anyway or feel better somehow.

My family know I'm not well again and want me to talk to them but I'm worried they'll either be dismissive or really upset and the guilt is already a catalyst for me as it is. I'm also worried about having DS taken off me if I tell anyone but haven't acted on it yet/do change my mind etc. I'd never put him at risk with my actions and that's clear from last year but it still worries me.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting. I swing between feeling calm/numb about it and feeling terrified. Had a bad night last night and thought someone was in the house/watching me. Just an anxiety thing but it was terrifying and I can't cope like this on my own anymore.

Sorry my thread was stuck on sunday.

Thinking of you.

Is there anyone that can push thing on for you. That can make the dr listen to you? Your DB perhaps?
i am saying this because from my experience you need to be forceful with theseservices and usually thosewho need the help cannot do it. A third party works best.

Is there anyone that you can be with today?

Please please try talking to your family, your dm etc. the more it stays in the bigger the shame and then it is hard to let anything out.

I saw it from experience .

Can you put it away, at least for some time, Orchard?

Just acknowledge you feel bad, and then make a date with yourself in a few months or years time? Don't see the future as a big dark blob, but look at it in chunks of time. Eat the elephant in little bits.

Everything can be fixed.

Or go out of the house, sit in a cafe or a park? You might feel safer there.

Thank you.

I just rang DM as I was feeling so ragey about it and that's helped a little. I won't be alone from 3pm onwards so it's just now. That's a good way to think of it Ottilia.

I'm thinking of ringing the lady I saw yesterday to tell her I'm feeling worse but not sure what it would achieve. She did take me seriously though.

A and E will take you seriously. If it gets too bad go there.
Like I said earlier it's trial and error to find your solution, but it's out there.
My favourite mind numbing boring task is cleaning the fridge.

if you've found someone who has taken you seriously do treasure her and call her. Also Be aware that It may get worse in the night or early in the morning, when every feeling of helplessness are enhanced.

I panic-cleaned the whole house this morning. I do tend to do that when I feel terrible. I already did the A&E thing and this CT involvement is what I got from it so not sure what else I can actually do. I'm trying to use my CBT and stop freaking out about it but the way the system is set up it's like you have to actually seriously hurt yourself or just off yourself before they help

Thanks sweetoranges I do find the nights worst.

The elephant example has helped me A LOT. Every time I feel overwhelmed by something (big or small that it is) I visualize the elephant and I see little steps, and I try to concentrate on the first one and use all my energy to make that ONE happen. From that position it is usually easier to keep going and a big problem has been dissected and it is not that scary.

Stay safe Orchard.

You are so very right, nothing happened till it has happened with CT and most services re MH. A bit like DV. Shameful.

i have a friend who as a professional works with the CT and she told me the only way she can make them react is to threaten to take their name and put in on the record. With this I mean that it is not you who finds it hard, it is not you who may be overreacting or not in need of help.... It is them who are not doing it properly.

Plus you are right, it is not true that those who talk about suicide they won't do it. They sometimes do it indeed. And one of the alarm bells for CT is someone who talks about it and has a plan. They often choose it to ignore it.

Thank , that's actually really reassuring to hear. I think I need to be more assertive and maybe ring up to say "look, I feel really out of control and very scared/distressed, can you at least give me something for the night or suggest something"?

I know for a fact if it wasn't for DS I'd have already acted it out last year when I got ill. The love I have for him is just stronger than any other kind IYSWIM so that/the guilt is the last remaining thing that keeps me going (or at least it does to an extent).

I'm trying to pluck up the courage to ring the CT despite only just seeing someone. Feels cheeky but I feel like I need to and the lady I saw there yesterday said to call and make a fuss if I feel i'm being fobbed off like I did last year and put it in my notes that things didn't help last year because of poor communication. This guy today didn't seem to have read my notes as I had to repeat so much crap

I apologise if I seem to go on about this, it is only because we lost someone a month ago... Mainly due to poor communication and lack of service from CT, GP, etc (can expand if you like but don't want to trigger)

If it helps I ALWAYS exagerate my ailments a bit even with the gp (who's lovely) because I know that he will not otherwise be able to do anything for me according to his guidelines, targets etc. a few years ago I was feeling crap and went to see him and he gave me one of those questionnairs. I swear I had to make it up as what I'd have answered would have not made it through (i did sleep, I had no panic attacks, I did not want to die, U could still have fun etc... But I was depressed! And not in a good place!) i went for counselling for two years and it has helped a lot.

It is not lying. It is making yourself heard. You know you are not ok, tell them in a way they'll understand. Think of the goal you want to reach. Even if you are not thinking about suicide every minute tell them you do, as you know that once a day won't do. Tell them what they want to hear and remember they often have their hands tied up by cuts and budget, all they need is a way to justify the referral. Give them that.

On a different note, if ever in the night you think of failing your son because your mh please remember that we all 'fail ' them in some way but that our love is the best antidote. Nobody will be better off without you, no matter how a pain you think you are .

Sweet oranges you are that post makes so much sense.
IME the CT cannot actually DO anything. They have told me in the past they cannot stop whatever action I plan. All they can do is talk and hopefully give you time to get thro the worst.

I agree that it feels like you get limited action until you actually do something. But orchard you have done something - you have SH - could you go back to your GP, I am sure the nurse should see it anyway - and talk to them? They can refer you straight to hospital if they think you need it.
Can you put a plan in place for when ds is next at nursery because you could be even more at risk then. Maybe meet a friend or DM / DB for a coffee? My worst, most dangerous attempt was after a morning alone at work ...

sweetoranges You're not going on at all, and it's helpfull. I do feel like you have to really play up how you feel to get the help you need. It's what I had to do last year as I did feel suicidal but it was on/off and came/went. But if I'd told them that they'd have let me get worse and worse at home when I needed quicker treatment and to be removed from some of the stressors at the time.

DS is back to nursery on Thursday and I'm dreading it. Everyone's working. I have that crappy medical review tomorrow so I will go to that then maybe ring CT after and really press the point. I do genuinely feel I'm at risk from myself in general, even if it's not all the time. And I know you control your own actions etc but I feel almost out of control and impulsive out of the sheer desperation at those times and it's quite scary to be frank.

And you too Carbonel The lady I saw yesterday did say did I feel I needed to go into hospital but I said I didn't know what to do. I really should ring her again.

Just had phone call with DM who said she's finding it hard when I lean on her (understandable) and is trying to find that balance of "supporting me but not too much because I'm an adult etc". Now I feel really bad for offloading on her. I should just use the crisis team, but then they can be so shit at the worst of times so now I feel like I've got no one to honestly talk to when it's rough. She also did the thing where they try to jolly you along and tell you you're over the worst of it now etc which makes me feel worse because it's like no one wants to believe you're struggling like you are.

I will try to just lean on the CT when it's bad from now on but worrying about it as they can be so crap. I just wish I could empty my mind, rinse it out and start again

Orchard, you can lean on us. And tbf, although I don't know your mum nor I have heard the conversation, I think you can rely on her despite her telling you it is hard. It is hard for the people around you. This does not mean they do not want to help. In away, unless toxic, she has told you her feelings.
The "you aren't adult" can be pretty crap yes, but do not take it to heart.

The person we lost was 50, a complete adult. And we all told him the same at one point or another, as we told him to grow up, be a parent, it's not all about you etc. awful in hindsight. However there were also great shows of affection, lots of care, lots of help. We were all devastated that we did not understand the depth of the pain and the words I heard the most since have been "if only we knew...". My psychologist friend told me that close relatives cannot give the help one needs, one needs professinals who are detached emotionally from you.

Tell your mum, if you can, that you don't expect her to fix it all, you just need her to be on your side. As a mother she probably feels the guilt of not being able to make you happy.

The person we lost was very isolated emotionally. She closed up and stopped sharing with everybody. If you can try connecting with the people in your life. Even if it isn't blurting out all of this, just sharing a few words about your son might help and you never know where it will take you.

You can also rely on the ct and the gp etc All these small bits of help together will make a big help. The AD being another.

I'm sorry to hear that, it must have had a sad ripple effect on everyone involved I agree with what you say in that once you're very ill your family can be good support but they can't help you like the pros can. And people do say silly guilt-trippy things in the hope they work and mean well, but yes they do make you feel worse if you're already feeling very low and not thinking straight. I have to try very hard not to take things to heart or beat myself up over how I am as a parent etc as that adds to the guilt/belief I'm a burden which in turn makes me feel worse and it's a cycle. Glad I have more insight than I used to about it though!

DS's dad was rung by social services (I did not know it would happen!) and he rang to say his mum who's out of work can have him at their's for a week or two which would be a mssive help stress wise. Daily life is very stressfull to deal with when also struggling with the MH so I do think it will help. Bit embarassed they rang him and his mum knows but i'll take all the help I can get!

One day at a time. You're on the road to recovery so accept help. You sound like a lovely mum.

Hi Orchard, don't feel embarrassed, as you say take all the help that's offered. It'll be nice for those close to you to be able to offer some practical assistance. And I hope you can then too get the professional help that you need at the same time. I guess with any kind of help it's those who shout the loudest. So ring them when you need, and ring the nice lady who you'd prefer to deal with. Tell them again about the problems you had last time and how you need it to be better this time. Make it your aim to bother them until you've got an outcome you're happy with. Thinking of you .

Thank you

Like coolbananas said sometimes letting people help is more of a benefit to them than you. I had a sister with a medical issue and just being able to change her bed made me happy as I loved her. It's hard to explain, just like what you're going through is hard to explain.
Keep talking friend. Keep posting.

So sorry you are still struggling but great that you are getting help. If Ds' gran takes him for a week could you use that to go into hospital and get sorted? It's 19 days since my last attempt and I am finally feeling a bit of positivity so hopefully time will really help you.
So hard for you and your DM to handle this. She must be so torn apart hearing you in such pain and not being able to help; not being able to emphasise probably makes it worse as she cannot understand what you are going through.
Maybe use her for time away to be gentle to yourself like going out for a coffee but stick to more general topics of conversation?
The one think that really helped me in the past was a safety plan - a thought or thing that when you thought/saw it would bring you back from the brink so eg a photo of your ds or a special picture he has drawn that will just give you that second to stop and draw back.
Plese keep us posted with how you are

Hadron I can understand that. I hate feeling helpless in situations so am a "do-er" when things go tits up.

I had a bad night and DS woke a lot with a cold so not feeling as well slept as I was hoping for my medical review today but never mind. And I know it's hard for her to know I'm in this way. I'm still thinking of ringing the nice woman yesterday to say I can't cope with the way it is at home and wasting so much energy on just not hurting myself etc. Hope everyone else is ok this morning