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Original poster

Struggling with telling anyone I feel close to "it" *trigger warning*

217 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 22/02/2015 08:00

I posted here before but can't find my thread.

I've been in hospital before for being suicidal with depression/anxiety (last year) and felt myself getting ill again a month or so ago. Went to the GP last week and am on ADs which worked for me before but I'm still having suicidal thoughts and more and more so thinking of plans etc. Thing is I don't feel like going back to the docs as they don't really believe you because lots of people with MH problems say they feel suicidal and you just blend in with them and maybe I won't pluck up enough courage anyway or feel better somehow.

My family know I'm not well again and want me to talk to them but I'm worried they'll either be dismissive or really upset and the guilt is already a catalyst for me as it is. I'm also worried about having DS taken off me if I tell anyone but haven't acted on it yet/do change my mind etc. I'd never put him at risk with my actions and that's clear from last year but it still worries me.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting. I swing between feeling calm/numb about it and feeling terrified. Had a bad night last night and thought someone was in the house/watching me. Just an anxiety thing but it was terrifying and I can't cope like this on my own anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/03/2015 08:44

It's a big building with different wards and each ward has about ten beds for each gender, a communal room/tv room & kitchen and a few bathrooms dotted around as well as a smoking area. I spend a lot of time in my room just resting but do try to sit in the tv area and be sociable! Grin

OP posts:
Hadron21 · 03/03/2015 14:47

Sorry I hope you didn't mind me asking. Is the meds that are working better or the other support that you are receiving that have improved your well being?

Hadron21 · 03/03/2015 21:28

How are things tonight Orchard?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 03/03/2015 23:38

Both I think and I don't mind at all. I've had a rough day today but it's better than totally flat/numb Smile Missing DS Brew You?

OP posts:
Hadron21 · 04/03/2015 19:22

Been in work all day and now the tea time / bath time roller coaster of getting the kids to bed. I have two boys under 3. I do struggle with work and childcare as my husband works away. I never feel like I'm on top of things and sometimes feel like I want to stop the world while I clean up / batch cook / iron etc!!! I'm trying to keep up with seeing my friends to keep me being me!
I do love this time of year. Snowdrops and crocus are everywhere here.
Will you be home at the weekend? Bet your DS is being spoilt but missing you.

Hadron21 · 05/03/2015 08:43

How are you feeling today orchard? Any news on when you can come home? I hope they get all the support services right for you to be able to continue your recovery.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 05/03/2015 13:53

Wow, hat off to you Hadron. I find one 4yr old hard enough! Grin

The snowdrops are lovely, there's some in the "fag garden" on our ward. I'm coming home on Wednesday Smile I think that's good/right. I miss DS so much! Hope you've had an ok week.

OP posts:
Hadron21 · 05/03/2015 20:18

Wednesday then eh orchard. It's great to know they are making sure you're well enough to go home. Just from your posts you sound so very different. I can't put my finger on what though. Maybe just more level (I'm struggling to even understand what I mean).
Your boy will be so happy to see you. See how you feel next week but if you feel happy to please send me your address by pm as I'd like send a little something to you.
I'd like to add that if there's anyone else reading this who had experience of this please advise on what should happen next. I have no experience in this field but I'm just holding orchards hand til we are out the other side.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 05/03/2015 22:08

I know what you mean Hadron Smile I feel more stable and less all over the place. I was a right state last week!

That's very kind of you Blush I've missed him a lot these last few days so can't wait to see him. I hope the weather is nicer where you are than it is here. It's been cold and windy today, I've only bothered to get some air once today.

OP posts:
Carbonel · 06/03/2015 16:44

Glad you are getting it together Orchard Smile Hopefully they will be setting up ongoing support for you when you are home?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 06/03/2015 19:51

Yeah but it'll be the crisis team who tbh can be shit. They mean well of course but all it takes is one team member to visit that you don't gel with or who is a bit dissmissive and might have already tarred you with the same brush as someone else before meeting you and that's your day ruined. It's so mix and match and they don't turn up when they say they will/you end up missing their call and it can all actually be more stressfull. But tbh I've made sure I feel able to handle that before agreeing it's ok to go home on Wednesday and have expressed those fears and they say they'll try to make that clear to the CT/CMHT so we'll see Smile

I have my DM who I can call if desperate and am looking forward to fresher food and being able to go on walks again. I miss walking further than to the Asda across from the hospital Grin

OP posts:
Hadron21 · 07/03/2015 20:37

We will be your crisis team! You're making brilliant progress. So very proud of you x

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/03/2015 07:36

Thank you Blush

I'm now being discharged on tuesday. Was the only day my DM could take time off to pick me up as it's out of the way of public transport etc plus I have a tonne of crap to take home with me Grin

OP posts:
Rhihhare · 08/03/2015 09:50

Hope you don't mind me joining in, ladies...

I was hospitalised for severe anxiety at the end of 2011 and you need to go home with a plan. A lot of it sounds like bollocks - yeah, having a warm drink and deep breathing will really help - but actually it does, and the more you do it, the more it helps.

Orchard, do you know if you will be getting any CBT on leaving?

Fwiw whilst I know I'll always need to watch myself for anxiety, I'm now med-free and feel better than I did since my teens. If I can come out the other side so can you, love.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/03/2015 19:15

Sorry to hear that Rhihhare Thanks And thanks for sharing. I'm on a loooooooooooooong waiting list for Psychotherapy. Having a bad day today but just holding in there and trying to weather it out Brew

OP posts:
Rhihhare · 08/03/2015 19:22

Thank you...it wasn't fun at the time but in many ways it gave me the kick up the backside I needed to sort things out in my life so I think back on it now as a positive. Bad days are normal but hang on in there and you'll get more good than bad, promise. What about MIND, could they get you something sooner? You could try using one of the CBT books like the For Dummies series.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/03/2015 19:38

Thank you. I've had more than enough CBT over the years (mostly to stop me self harming as a teen then I had a 12 week course fresh out of hospital last year). I realized this time around that there are "uglies" from the past I never quite dealt with which is why I'm having Psychotherapy this time around Smile I'm optimistic about that despite it being a bit of a wait.

Just emotionally knackered today. Glad you came out the other side. I've done it 3 times now so I should know better but it's hard to muster the energy to face recovery sometimes Brew

OP posts:
Rhihhare · 08/03/2015 19:57

Ah, CBT doesn't suit everyone. I had TA as well which was very helpful - CBT I found to work like emergency first aid but TA is the 'cure', but it is different for all of us. There's also DBT but I have no experience of that directly.

Have to take my hat off to you doing it three times, that takes huge courage and determination.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/03/2015 20:14

Thank you, I suppose it does. I've had depression/anxiety for just over ten years now but this is only the third time I've gotten seriously ill/needed more intensive treatment. I shouldn't have come off the medication I was on in the summer, some people can but I think I need to stay on a maintenance dose. CBT worked great for the self harm and I don't hate myself like I did as a teen/I can challenge a lot more of the negative thinking to an extent.

Looking forward to coming home at least Smile

OP posts:
Rhihhare · 08/03/2015 20:17

Just reading Hadron and want to agree, we'll be your crisis team. Smile Do you have anything nice planned for when you come home - apart from seeing DS if course.

Rhihhare · 08/03/2015 20:24

X posts, sorry.

Yeah, if you need meds forever to feel yourself, why not? It's all a learning process - I find I learn more all the time about how to think and manage stuff. So if you have learned you will do best with maintenence meds that's good.

Glad the CBT worked for the self harm. I hope you get your therapy sorted soon. Have you tried MIND to see what they offer locally?

Hadron21 · 08/03/2015 20:40

Hello Orchard. How are you feeling now? Sounds like Sundays been pretty difficult for you. Hang on in there (Sundays are tough for me too).
Face your recovery in tiny steps. Only make progress as you have the energy to (as long as you're moving forward - no matter how slow - you're moving) .
I'm here for you. I know nothing about the system so it's great to see Rhihhare leading the way in what's out there for you.
Orchard, you really do just sound so lovely and 'together' from your posts. I think you've made a lot of progress in a few days. Night night x

Rhihhare · 08/03/2015 20:52

Hello, Hadron. Well, I do and I don't - I was treated privately and I must admit that the NHS system's a bit of a mystery. But I suppose because of that I might think of things outside the box - a lot of the stuff I've come across is offered by various MIND groups, you can get books on TA , and relaxation techniques, self -care and sleep hygiene are accessible to anyone.

FWIW I think Orchard is doing magnificently.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 08/03/2015 21:12

Thank you. It helps to re-read older posts on here so I can remind myself at least I don't feel rock bottom 24/7 now. I still hit it a few times a day but it's not constant and that's how getting better has always started in the past. I'm frankly looking forward to meds so I can just get some sleep! (have to get out of bed and line up for them at ten and I can never be arsed to stay up for them so get into bed and just wack a coat over my PJs when they do the roundup Grin lazy me ).

I've been in both private (nhs funded 6 week stint in one of The Priory hospitals when I was 17) and NHS wards and there is a massive difference. You get talking therapy at the actual hospital when it's private (or at least I did) and there are way more groups on etc. The NHS one was ok but there was only one hour long group a day, sometimes you could go for a supervised walk to the local shop and once a week there'd be things like an art session/yoga but it was all much more basic. But both did the job of keeping me safe until I was more stable and the staff were lovely in both places Smile Poor buggers! I don't envy them.

I will look into the MIND stuff. I like their website and general "attitude" so will research that a bit tonight, thank you Brew

OP posts:
Rhihhare · 08/03/2015 21:51

Ah, Orchard, keeping a journal is really good for charting your progress, and if you do have a bad day you can also read the good days as a reminder that this too shall pass. There's a good book on Amazon called Write Yourself Well if you fancy something with a bit of structure, it's about a fiver I think.

I did one of the Priories as well and the groups are the big difference I think - I did their GAD course after discharge as well as TA. But I also did a womens' group run through my local MIND group; they also do gardening groups and art therapy and all kinds of stuff. Hope you find something to suit.

Btw I well remember the pj queue for meds at bedtime! Sleep well. X