Struggling with telling anyone I feel close to "it" *trigger warning*

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I posted here before but can't find my thread.

I've been in hospital before for being suicidal with depression/anxiety (last year) and felt myself getting ill again a month or so ago. Went to the GP last week and am on ADs which worked for me before but I'm still having suicidal thoughts and more and more so thinking of plans etc. Thing is I don't feel like going back to the docs as they don't really believe you because lots of people with MH problems say they feel suicidal and you just blend in with them and maybe I won't pluck up enough courage anyway or feel better somehow.

My family know I'm not well again and want me to talk to them but I'm worried they'll either be dismissive or really upset and the guilt is already a catalyst for me as it is. I'm also worried about having DS taken off me if I tell anyone but haven't acted on it yet/do change my mind etc. I'd never put him at risk with my actions and that's clear from last year but it still worries me.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting. I swing between feeling calm/numb about it and feeling terrified. Had a bad night last night and thought someone was in the house/watching me. Just an anxiety thing but it was terrifying and I can't cope like this on my own anymore.

Just one more day to go until you're home Orchard. Are you feeling well enough to leave with support?
Apart from your boy what are you looking forward to most? I always like my own tea and toast! Let us know how you're getting on.

I bought a Journal from the local supermarket on our trip out today so that's been started. No MIND groups near me unfortunately. Thanks for the book recommendation

I find art & poetry theraputic, despite being very amateur at it

I still feel like total arse today so am a bit worried about going home but unless they think you'll kill yourself at the first chance they don't usually let you stay more than a week in hospital. I'm looking forward to a cup of strong tea Hadron! It's really weak stuff here. I miss my Yorkshire tea and special 'tea' mug.

The crisis tea,m are very understaffed & underfunded so they mean well but often don't turn up when they say they will/are late and they discharge you sooner than you'd like usually too so I'm just going to rely on friends and family as much as I can and hang in there as best I can until the psychotherapy starts. God I'd love a right about now. I think the drizzly weather has rubbed off on everybody here as everyone looks glum. On the plus side, I have chocolate!!

That's a good start, Orchard. Bugger about the MIND groups though.

I'm a big fan of art as therapy as well as writing. In my early recovery phase I made dd2 a hand-sewn cloth rabbit with a little quilt and pillow. It was absolute bliss to have that to concentrate on and a real sense of achievement afterwards. Dd2 even chose it as her subject for a speech at school! I annoy everyone by recommending books, but I've just started doing 'zen tangles', which are meditative doodles, and I'm promising myself that in the summer I'll work through The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.

Do you like getting outside? I'm very tempted to join the work parties offered by my local wildlife trust - some other organisations call them 'green gyms' - exercise is great for depression and anxiety. I love a day outside getting muddy, it's so satisfying at the end of the day to have a hot bath and warm up. If that's your kind of thing there's probably a local garden or wildlife area that has volunteers helping to look after it.

I expect that the hospital tea and coffee is all decaff. I took my mug in with me!

Have they given you a discharge plan, or helped you to draw one up?

It's a great time to be home. Light nights, that cold air with the sunshine. What time will you get home? Between us we can plan your on line support.
Your last post made me laugh - taking the piss out of the system is a good start!
What type of art do you like? X

Rihhare hello to you too. Bloody hell you've been through it haven't you?

Evening, Hadron. There's people had far worse than me - thing is today I'm here, and I'm strong, even if I do still need decaff coffee.

And Orchard, you'll get there too. The daffodils are out. Always better once the daffs are out.

Morning Orchard - hope you slept well. Are you feeling well enough to return home today?

Morning, ladies.

Orchard, how's things? What are your plans?

Afternoon everyone. I am home and knackered. DS is coming back tomorrow to give me a night to settle in. It all feels weirdly unfamiliar after being away but I'm so glad to be able to put on sidelights and not have any harsh overhead lighting anywhere

Ri' Those are some good suggestions. I always write a lot when I'm coming out of a deep depression and it's usually actually pretty good so that's one silver lining at least. And like you say it's theraputic. When I feel a bit better I'm going back to the volunteer bureau place to change (was doing homeless charity work) to something more creative/theraputic if I can. I'd love to do conservation work or something.

My discharge plan is basically my brother is staying over tonight to keep me company and the crisis team are visiting tomorrow. Or so they say we'll see!!

Hope everyone has had some sun today, or at least seen it.

Evening, Orchard,

It is knackering, I slept every moment I could for weeks when I got home. Knowing that you have a creative talent is very cool - something you can build on. Love the idea of volunteering to do something creative and also conservation work.

When I left the Prioy I was asked to draw up a list of fifty activities that I enjoyed or found satisfying or therapeutic. Have you got a list? I also had to do a weekly planner, putting in hour by hour the stuff I had to do, then slotting in around it satisfying stuff, fun stuff and self-care stuff - I didn't stick to it 100% but it really helped that feeling of days drifting into nothingness and importantly to stop giving all of myself to others. Do you have relaxation stuff to listen to?

So glad you're home. Hope your brother is cooking! And DS tomorrow, how lovely. When I got home dd2 ran down our driveway in tears in her pjs with nothing on her feet, bless her.

Have a lovely evening.

I don't want to spoil the surprise Orchard but there's something creative in the post to you. I've been worried about you today. Glad you're ok.
Bath, pjs and tea & toast. You can watch whatever telly you like. Tonight is your time. Keep posting x

The kindness of strangers always surprises me in such a profound way. When I feel unwell I expect the worst of the world which is stupid but hard to challenge sometimes. Thank you for all the lovely replies and suggestions. The journal and timetable type ideas sound great. I'm going to try and do one in a minute in my nice new fancy journal I got to replace my cheap emergency hospital one, ha

Had an Indian with my brother and just in bed, super early and don't even have to get up for Meds or anything. And no hourly room checks either. Certainly won't miss that stuff

I hope you've had a nice evening. It's not so cold. I've not had to have heating on today which is good for the pennies. Money is always an extra stress isn't it.

I'm trying to make sure I don't put too much pressure on myself to do too much but get the balance right and do "enough" to keep going. Writing down how to fill my time like that suggestion should help. Don't run before you can walk, as they say. Not sure what the mental equivalent is

I certainly need to avoid unstructured long periods of time anyway, like mentioned, its easy to get sucked into negative thinking and for it to spiral when the day is unstructured and you live sort of alone, or at least without adult company.

I'm waffling! goodnight fellow Vipers.

We had a

Morning, ladies,

(Nice idea, Hadron)

DS coming home today!

Indian - yum! I always know when I'm on the mend as my appetite improves. New journal too...must admit to bring a journal addict, I love pretty notebooks.

One of the good things about the timetable is that you can structure in time to do relaxing stuff, like a relaxation download or have a bath, or even have a nap. Have you tried using a guided visualisation CD or download to relax? My big difference in the past year has been getting over my driving phobia, I live in an isolated village and wouldn't see anyone from when the dcs left for school at 8 til they got home at half four. Now I can pick them up from school myself, meet friends for coffee, go shopping...its a whole new life and something I'd never thought id manage to do.

Oh god, the hourly room checks, really helpful if you are trying to sleep!

Had a full-on evening yesterday, we told the dcs we are divorcing. My OH is an emotional abuser in varying degrees - he can be lovely but can be a terrifying bullying maniac but he's usually somewhere in between - and the reason I'm telling you this is that I'm coping with it ok, and if I can cope with this ok then I'm sure you will get to a place where coping with your stuff is ok, Orchard.

I'm very sorry to hear that Ri My ex was similar and I could not BELIEVE how much better my mental health was when we split. I was very sad about it but I just knew it was unhealthy and at the end of the day if it affects my mental health badly then it affects DS badly and that is not acceptable on any level. Not the same as a divorce of course, just meant that I hope you find it's for the best in the end.

I know I will eventually get back to normal it's just seriously hard work and some days I still get sucked into feeling totally hopeless about it. I have "recurring major depression" so can have quite long periods of feeling healthy but do tend to eventually have another episode and part of you when you're ill thinks "what's the point" if you're just going to get ill again but that's daft because when life is good it's worth all the low points. I don't 100% believe that right now but I know i've felt like that when I've been well and things have been going great so I'm just carrying on one day at a time and enjoying whatever I can. Even if it's only a cup of tea or laughing at childish youtube videos.

The mindfullness stuff is great isn't it? I've been meditating for a few years now and it helps to keep your mind in the present and stop it wondering off into "worst case scenario land" where all you're thinking about it so miserable and intense that you're not really 'there'.

Well done on getting over your driving phobia. I'm still having lessons and have to really push myself some days not to cancel!

The sun is out where we are and I'm hoping it sticks around. I'm waiting in for a food delivery then a friend is coming over with her DD to play with DS and we can talk a bit. I'm freaking out a bit but just ignoring it and just getting ready for DS to be home in an hour! Here goes nothing

Hope you have a good day.

Urgh, sorry to hear you've had one too, Orchard. I feel like a different person since telling him it is over, so when I no longer need to live with him I imagine it will be a million times better. I've done the grieving and the emotional detachment long ago, now it is just staying strong whilst the practicalities get sorted.

Anxiety's my thing, I got very depressed due to my anxiety robbing my ability to do anything and enjoy life, but if anything flares up it is likely to be anxiety again and it is so hard because I freeze completely. But on my journey I've met lots of people with recurrent depression and I know how damned hard it is. Keeping going when it bites takes huge strength and determination. It shows what a remarkable person you are.

Agree completely about the 'one day at a time' thing. The present moment is all we have and I look for no more meaning than what I have in front of me now - eating chocolate, feeling the sun on my face, hugging the dcs, stroking my dog, smelling the apple blossom, whatever. It's a beautiful world with amazing sensations to be enjoyed, moment by moment.

I started out with guided visualisations - I'm a pagan so enjoy mental 'journeying' - then moved onto mindfulness but I haven't really integrated it properly so I've just started a 9 week course in mindfulness meditation with a Buddhist local to me.

Keep going with the driving, I used to cry just thinking about it and cannot begin to tell you how terrified I was, nor how much it has changed my life having a car. I feel so much better about myself for having overcome my fears, I can't tell you.

Have a lovely day with DS and your friends. I'm off to declutter a bit ready to get the house on the market - new life here we come!

Anxiety is usually what leads to depression for me. I get tired of being in such a state all the time and my natural defense mechanism seems to be a depression. I think that's quite common for it to be a mix or one leading to the other. Sorry to hear you have that too. For me panic attacks are the worst of it all. They do rob you of your ability to live normally really. I've luckily managed to stop mine besides the odd one if something bad happens or if I do things a bit too intense (like Sale shopping in january which was a massive mistake ). I'm glad you're doing better. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

And that's good that the grieving is done. Even when I was sad I was glad he was gone and it's been nice this time around to not have to pander to my ex's needs/walk on eggshells whilst dealing with a breakdown! I hope the divorce goes as smoothly as it can

I own a car thanks to a very kind relative (it's a 1997 red Micra...total boy racer car not). I just need to pass my test, hopefully without freaking out. Well done for overcoming that! It gives me a bit more hope to hear it. My fears are usually around public spaces and social situations. I push myself so I don't restrict things because of it but it's a bit crap.

I find decluttering theraputic. I hope you do to

Oh god, Orchard, I do sympathise, anxiety is a bugger. I sometimes get panic attacks, but generally when my anxiety is bad I feel like I am constantly on the edge of one - I can't sleep, can't eat, I feel spaced out, I make mistakes...my triggers now are fear of loss - my dcs have all been very poorly at some time, although are now all fine - and being in pain, which I fear not being able to cope with. It all comes down to that actually - my fear of not being able to handle stuff, and that comes from learning to be frightened of my own feelings as a child. I'm not in that place now but I know I can go back there and I guess it is just a continual process of learning to deal with the thinking errors and the bodily sensations and allowing it to be without making it bigger than it really is. After all, thoughts are just stories and anxiety just a feeling.

My ex is largely the reason I had the breakdown - yes, I am an anxious person but living with a verbally intimidating bully whose behaviour is sometimes alcohol-fuelled and very volatile meant I was on edge all the time. My psych said that the hospitals tend to see the strongest people because we cope and cope and cope with so much that we crash harder when we do go. I spent so many years trying to hold the marriage together for the dcs on top of their illnesses - big mistake.

Go you for not restricting yourself! That makes life tons better - staying safe is just an illusion. I was terrified about my kids dying in a car accident yet now I drive them every day. You will get there.

I don't much like decluttering but I like the end result. Even better, I am decluttering with a view to getting my new life so I have a big motivator. The school is having a jumble sale on Saturday which is handy!

Have a lovely day. x

Hi - I'm in work so just dropping I'm to say hello. Hope you've managed to fill your day. Big hugs to you both for just getting to this point, you've been through so much.
I'm looking forward to a bath and early night tonight. It's exhausting being a working mum. House is a tip and the ironing pile is huge!!!!!

Hadron - It must be. I find it hard to keep on top of the house and I only volunteer at the moment (well on pause since the MH overtook things these last few weeks)

And I know what you mean about being frightened of your own feelings etc. I know I have a bad habit of catastrophising and panicking when I feel very low about just feeling very low because it's so unpleasent etc.

I'm really struggling tonight. DS is about to go to bed but it's so intense and he's obviously a bit crabby himself as he's been away so long and it's a change for him. Surprised how bad I feel but I know it's just because it's hard bloody work sometimes when you're well and it's easy to feel much better when you're taking a "time out" from life. Back to reality with a thump.

Evening, Orchard, how are you now? Hope DS is settled.

You've managed. Everything is ok. I panic about not coping because I feel anxious but since I left hospital there has never been a time when I have not coped enough, not perfectly but enough, however crap I've felt inside. You will manage, I promise.

Ok is good enough. Don't put pressure on yourself to keep on top of things. For now, doing enough to get by is plenty good enough. Clean clothes, clean(ish) DS, pizza in tummy - this is enough.

Have a plan for once DS is in bed. I used to put on Classic FM and have a warm drink. A hot water bottle is massively comforting when your tummy is all knotted. What helps you? Have you made a list of things that you know will distract you (even if only a bit) when you feel rough? It helps to have reminders - favourite DVDs, music, yoga stretches...

It is unpleasant but this too shall pass. It will get better and you are doing fine.

Rhihhare is spot on. Everyone is just about coping in life on one level or another. My kids had toast and fruit for tea. Everyone pretends to cope at some level.
There's three of us here - all very different - all ready to support one another.
We can manage can't we?

Thank you. DS is fainlly down and out.

You're both very right. I need to remember that "coping" is a loose term and that if I'm still here at the end of the day and the basic requirements (love/emotional needs, warmth, clothes, shelter, health) are met then I'm doing good enough. There's so much crap surrounding parenthood and how to be the perfect mum/the perfect family/the perfect woman etc and it's all crap to be honest. I've done the toast and fruit thing too before. It helps to know it's not just me who's doing the duck with life (where you look still and peacefull above water but underneath you're paddling like mad ).

I'm still a bit shaken from the day but better for a very cheeky stiff drink and a quick wash. Today was pretty crap but it's almost over and I'm still here and still going. I need to remember that one bad day doesn't = a future of bad days. Even if it looks that way. That's "textbook depression". It's almost universal in depression etc. Hopelessness is one of it's nastiest tricks in my opinion. It's like poop-tinted glasses instead of rose ones

I find watching cheesy old movies/listening to cheesy songs that were big when I was a kid (reminds me of before I'd ever been unwell/was blissfully ignorant) helps. The hot water bottle thing is nice too. I do get 'stess stomach'. And I've written a list of all sorts so I should be able to pick at least one thing to try everytime I feel like I'm really having a bad 'moment'. Thank you for the suggestions. Sorry for the long rambling

I hope you've both had good evenings

Fruit and toast? Come on ladies, you could have opened a tin of cold spaghetti hoops too. (Oh yes I have - really I think they'd have been happier if I hadn't ) I'm definitely a duck although very often it's head down, arse in the air as much as frantic paddling!

There's no such thing as a perfect parent, perfect human. But the things our dcs will cherish when they are older are love, warmth, cuddles on our laps, the smell of our skin, laughing, walks in the rain, collecting sea shells or autumn leaves, eating chips out of paper in the park. They aren't going to remember with affection the fact that we had immaculate houses or could make a mean beef Wellington. In fact, you may not remember the tv programme House of Tiny Tearaways with Dr Tanya Byron, but many of the children with behaviour issues on there had parents who were obsessed with keeping their homes pristine. It just doesn't matter to kids.

Orchard, your posts aren't rambling, you have a way with words that you should be proud of. Yeah, I know the 'I'm going to feel like this forever!' feeling, but you won't. I bear in mind that I will always have bad days, but there are more good ones, and the good ones are the powerful ones.

Still here, still going...bad thoughts and feelings are just that, no more real than dreams, and today you've weakened their hold on you a little bit.

You're very right. There's no such thing as perfect! I should focus more on the memories being made rather than how clean the place is or how gourmet the grub is I do remember that program!

Glad I don't ramble too much. I saw that lovely lady from before hospital today and told her about how hard I'm finding it and she reassured me quite well which helped. I also did a lot today and am very proud. I even touched up a bit of paintwork that's been bugging me for ages but I'd felt too low to bother doing. I also had a haircut, which I find uncomfortable (not a fan of being faced with my own reflection and small talk for that long or with the crowds in town...AND I bumped into my ex but looked pretty good actually so that cheered me up ). So I've done quite a bit without overdoing it

How are you?