Struggling with telling anyone I feel close to "it" *trigger warning*

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I posted here before but can't find my thread.

I've been in hospital before for being suicidal with depression/anxiety (last year) and felt myself getting ill again a month or so ago. Went to the GP last week and am on ADs which worked for me before but I'm still having suicidal thoughts and more and more so thinking of plans etc. Thing is I don't feel like going back to the docs as they don't really believe you because lots of people with MH problems say they feel suicidal and you just blend in with them and maybe I won't pluck up enough courage anyway or feel better somehow.

My family know I'm not well again and want me to talk to them but I'm worried they'll either be dismissive or really upset and the guilt is already a catalyst for me as it is. I'm also worried about having DS taken off me if I tell anyone but haven't acted on it yet/do change my mind etc. I'd never put him at risk with my actions and that's clear from last year but it still worries me.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting. I swing between feeling calm/numb about it and feeling terrified. Had a bad night last night and thought someone was in the house/watching me. Just an anxiety thing but it was terrifying and I can't cope like this on my own anymore.

Sounds like a good day to me Orchard! There's nothing like bumping into your ex after having your hair done.
You write beautifully Orchard, I can see you are the creative type as your severances flow so well, and each word is considered.
You 'know' yourself very well and put your feelings and thoughts into words like I could never do. Have you thought about creative writing?
I've a one year old asleep on my at the mo so I'll just put him to bed. What are you both up to tonight?

Sentences!!!!! I meant sentences!!!

Hehe thank you Hadron

I write a lot, mostly poetry and short stories. For the purposes of humour, here is a cringeworthy example of a "break up" poem I wrote after bastard#2 who I previously mentioned;

^Spitting speech taints our tongues
Ushering the ugliness
Salting the stratches with our guttural gravel

'til we slip into the walking sleep,
seperate and splinter
and awake apart^ At the time I was proud of that but now I find it quite funny in that cringey way.

I am trying to practise writing short stories and hoping to write one for DS

I hope they settle for you easily. I just put DS to bed and am going to give 'The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" a go on Netflix to keep my mind off the bad things. It's meant to be uplifting and lighthearted so just what I need. What are you doing this evening?

• Italics fail there

God we've all been there with an arse of an ex haven't we? Thanks for sharing. You really are talented.
I have one boy who goes to bed fine and another who is a little monkey. I should be more disciplined but I'm not. I'm trying to concentrate on the best stuff - reading together, painting and making cakes. I want him to have a lovely childhood with a (mostly) chilled out mum.
I'm just having a hot chocolate then will go up to bed soon.
I remember you saying that you find weekends hard - it's Friday tomorrow so make advance plans. That's what I've just done. Just a visit to my sister but now I'm committed.
How does your little one go to bed? I always feel I should reading the parenting books on the shelf....

Everyone's got at least one awful ex I think

Bedtime/nightime is bloody hard as a parent! I've had to sleep train DS over and over and only just stopped about a year ago now he's older. I used to have to do it after every sickness or whatever disrupted the sleep as he'd get back into waking up all night. He had a fit when he was 2 (got too hot in bed and had a bad fever, temp over 40c') so it took me about a year to feel ok about leaving him where I couldn't see him at night when he was ill. We do PJs, teeth, toilet then a story in bed and a kiss goodnight. He still pushes it sometimes but I'm pretty mean these days about nighttime

My DM is coming over for supper this evening and then staying for a bit tonight. Then I'm seeing my brother tomorrow night and a friend on sunday, so it's only tomorrow-day that I'll be with just DS

I only tried really hard to sort out DS's bedtime because without a bit of an evening to relax and be "off duty" I know I'd lose the plot. I do let some behaviour stuff slide when I'm not well as it's not worth it and you can sort that once you're better. I know what you mean about just trying to give them good memories and be as chilled as you can. My DM tells me she lost it sometimes and struggled a bit (not with MH just in general) and I don't remember any of it! I remember helping her cook, playing with my DB, nice music was always on in the background, going to the park etc. I don't remember her crying over money or stress-smoking! So I try to tell myself that when I feel like I'm ruining DS's childhood. I'm sure you're doing great yourself and you sound like a lovely mum .

Morning, ladies,

None of my lot ever went to sleep when they were little. Bed, yes. Sleep, no. Although the 'gradual withdrawal' method is the most effective sleep training I know. Now I have one glued to pictures of Benedict Cumberbatch on her iPad, one with her nose in her book and another playing Minecraft until I turn into Bonkers Mum and they decide that sleep is preferable! 'Just five more minutes'...'How comes she gets to stay up and I have to go to bed?' (Answer: she's thirteen, you're eight).

Glad you ladies had a good day. I had a bit of a day yesterday, had a family crisis late last year that I thought had gone away but it hadn't. It really has now, but it was far, far worse than I knew and I'm a bit shaken.

My dcs get teased at school because I don't make cakes for them - if ever it is 'cake Friday' they go in with a tray of Tesco cupcakes! Luckily the dcs think that being a domestic goddess is overrated and think the idea that I should bake cakes (not choose to, should) is hilarious.

Yay to seeing exes with lovely hair! I've decided to lose weight just to piss mine off.

Weekend plans: school jumble sale tomorrow - me and the girls - then Sunday I'll drop DS at football training, whizz round the corner with the girls to an old inn for a proper hotel breakfast, then back in time to watch DS play. Well I do buy him a fruit shoot on the way out... Oh, and the F1 is back! So when we're not out we'll be glued to practice/qualifying/race day - yes, we really are that nerdy.

What plans do we have for today?

Every parent I know secretly dreads bedtime until their DC(s) are a little older I do love Mr Cumberbatch an unhealthy amount just a tad too.

Sorry to hear you had that happen yesterday It can be horrid to find out more when you thought you already knew everything there was to know. Having the rug pulled out like that. Did you have an ok evening? Up to much today?

Sounds like good plans for the weekend. It's raining which I, being me, love because it means no crowds in town and no queues! So me and DS are heading out in a bit to have a chilled mooch around town

I grew to love bedtime as they got older, it wasn't fun when they were babies (I have three with two years between my eldest two and two and a quarter between middle and youngest, so basically I had a four year old, two year old and newborn at one point) but sticking to a routine helps massively. Now bedtime is all a bit vague but we get there.

Yes, just been talking to my dad - basically my BIL is a psychopath and was threatening my dad and by extension ourselves - hopefully a line has been drawn but he's still out there which is scary.

I was going to do some more decluttering today but have discovered dd2 has left someone else's PE kit here so I need to drop it off - an 8 mile drive - will combine it with doing the Tesco shop ahead of the weekend I think. Took the dog for a long walk with one of my best mates this morning - much needed!

Have a nice mooch, I love mooching, I'm obsessed with charity shops and buy old curtains and fabric and stuff. Earlier this week I reupholstered a footstool I bought in one of them for a fiver - it looks amazing and I am dead chuffed with it. Nice and sunny here at the moment.

Mr Cumberbatch is rather lovely. I have a thing about Viggo Mortensen, but only when he's doing Aragorn. My younger daughter has pleased me by liking Aiden Turner, which I think shows a rare discernment in one so young.

Hope you had a good mooch - go you, going into town already - took me ages.

Have made a valuable discovery - going shopping on my own instead of with dcs on way home has saved me £40.

Just had a thought - have you tried blogging?

£40 saving is great! Well done

Aiden Turner is especially lovely Your DD has good taste.

Sorry to hear about your BIL, sounds scary. Charity shops are the best. I'd use them even if I was loaded!

I just got back from the shortest mooch ever. DS played up and one of my "anxiety things" is feeling disroportionately embarassed by his behaviour. He's not awful, just normal cheeky boy stuff but I was trying to look at things and he was having none of it and being a very loud (he naturally has a very loud voice, unlike me the master mumbler ) cheeky kid. So I gave up and marched us home. He is now watching shit on tv whilst I steal half an hour in my room. To chill out I have to sit somewhere quiet for a few minutes and calm the fuck down collect my thoughts

Never mind eh? I tried!! Also bumped into three of my fucking exes and felt fat and shit (I've put on a bit of weight from this medication and general depression related binge eating that sorts itself out once I'm better).

I bet your ex's were thinking "oh look at her hair"! Just ignore them they are irrelevant.
My kids were so very naughty last time I went the dr. They were screaming and crying then trying to run out the door. It was so quiet in there I thought I was going to die of embarrassment. The thing is when I see other kids play up I don't judge at all as we've all been there!
My husbands out so I've treated myself to a m&s meal for one tonight.

You must live in a very small town, Orchard! Exes - poor things. We feels pity for them.

Hadron, what was for tea. I did the same as you only Tesco - spinach cannelloni and salad out of a bag!

Dd1 loves Mr B. Aiden belongs to dd2. I'm obviously getting something right.

Yeah, charity shops are so cool. Some of my favourite things come from them. Am trying to keep a lid on my excitement about the jumble sale tomorrow.

My kids are noisy all the time when we're out, I don't notice it until someone comments, usually sympathising with me. So long as it isn't somewhere inappropriate (resturant, cinema) then I don't think it matters. Kids are kids. Hadron, I feel your pain with the doctor's kids get bored and you are stressed - mine always needed to be walked up and down when they were little.

FWIW when I went shopping with DS when he was little, I used to buy him a magazine and sit him in the corner of every shop that I went in to read it. Then we would go for a snack (kids do love a cafe) and I'd get a pen out so he could draw all over it. Don't ask me how that worked with an energetic pre-schooler but it did.

Right I'm pinching the kids magazine idea! Mine just argue over every toy the other one has (we have a million toys in this house).
I has mushroom parpadelli for tea and it was nice. I like not having to cook.
How about you Orchard? How is your Friday night? You sound like you didn't have a great day. Hope your in your pjs, feet up watching terrible telly like I am. X

Ps how's the support / crisis team? Are they giving you the care they promised? X

when I see other kids play up I don't judge at all as we've all been there
Very true. Why am I so much harder on myself?
Hope you enjoyed your meals. I had a takeaway which was very very naughty.

And same Ri. When I'm well DS goes on and on asking a million questions or being generally intense I don't even hear it. I knew I was getting bad again when it started grating on me like nails on a chalkboard.
DS is still too much of a wanderer/too fearless of just buggering off for me to let him out of my sight when we're out but maybe next year. My DM used to do that trick when shopping with me and DB but I remember it so I was at least 5 or 6.

I worked out how to get US Netflix on my laptop last night which I'm over the moon about because I binge watch shows a lot seeing as I live alone and can't get out much! I also wrote pages of general venting in my new journal which helped.

The crisis team are being a bit shoddy but they're understaffed/no money etc so I was expecting it. They were the same last year when I came out of hospital so at least I was prepared for it this year. I do have that lovely woman's number who I "click" with (she's part of the crisis team but a MH social worker rather than nurse) so I'll call her up if I feel really awful at any point and I called them up last night and got whoever was on duty and they were ok.

Having vivid nightmares again and not sure why I'd had a week without them. Mirtazapine can give me very weird ones but never scary ones. I was chased all night by dinosaurs that kept biting chunks out of me then I was put in prison for some reason in the same cell as this woman who was psychotic and she kept trying to attack me

Glad to be awake What are you all up to today?

No, I feel sorry when I see kids playing up - they need to be able to learn to control their emotions and you can see them going into overwhelm. Then tgat affects the parents - no need to judge them.

Shame about the nightmares, I once had a very trippy set of dreams thanks to watching Most Haunted whikst taking mega strong painkillers.

I was up late last night, OH and I ended up having a clear the air chat and I was really impressed at how different he seemed - think the counselling is working. Shane he didn't do it years back but it's goid we can co-operate. Don't feel so afraid of the future now. Too tired to do much today though, am loafing.

Thinking of getting my hair dyed - have been ash blonde with highlights for a while but fancy going darker. I don't have the time to keep it up now.

Sorry that the crisis team isn't working, Orchard. Do you gave anyone that can help? What about your brother?

I can talk to my DM & my uncle They are great.

I think small things like a haircut-hair dye can make a big difference to how you feel.

Sorry to hear about last night but glad the outcome was better than you expected

I had dreams like that when I was getting over having a general aneasthetic and watching True Detective. It was very trippy

I got a new sofa today and my front room is looking lovely which helps with the mood. My house is my sanctuary! What is everyone up to this evening?

My boy has just told me that dad has bought me a gift for tomorrow but it's a secret. Kids are ace aren't they?
Keep on at the crisis team, given what you've been through you should be a priority! Glad you have close family too - remember you've only just come out of hospital. You've made huge progress in a week.
Rhihhare what's going to happen in the long run with your partner? I wish you all the best.

Have you red dec'd the whole room Orchard? I have three half done rooms in this house! I wish I was braver with colour and fabric.

I'm going to have a glass on wine once my eldest is in bed. I'll be asleep myself by nine.

Thank you, yes it is a lot of progress really. I'm also being very cautious though as last year I remember feeling disheartened if I woke up on the "depressed" side of the bed after a better day beforehand so this time around I won't beat myself up over it. I'll just prepare myself for those days and accept they will happen and it's now I handle them that counts, not how often they occur

I rang the CT this evening as I was feeling qierd/had a massive slump after a busy day and just wanted to vent basically but can't tell my family everything as some of it's distressing/upsetting for them to hear. I spoke to a very nice irish bloke who was kind.

I'm sure you're already in bed I'm about to head off too. Just finished my DM's mixtapes (CDs) I've done for Mother's Day. One is stuff I think she'll like but doesn't know of and one is all sorts of songs that remind me of mine and my DB's childhoods. Sort of chronologically (ish ) with the odd note about what we remember about that song/any events they're connected to which I thought she'd like as it's more thoughtful than a bunch of flowers etc though I did go for chocolates in case she thinks that's a naff idea .

Hope you're having an ok evening Ri

I created a new Facebook account yesterday and now regret it!!

I set it up then popped into town to get Mother's Day stuff and hadn't added anyone as a friend yet or blocked anyone, it was just quickly set up and I planned on doing all that when I got back. I set it up for a fresh start and guess who I bumped into in town... again .

So because I ignored him (ex) he must have searched me to see if I was still blocked & because my name is unusual (it's VERY irish) he found the bloody fresh start profile (how ironic) and sent this essay about how I was in the wrong too and what did I ignore him for etc etc. (I checked his phone before we split as I had a feeling there was a bigger reason his friends hated me than he let on and I was right because he sent some vile messags about me to some of them ). So it was all about how angry he still was about that etc.

I blocked him and every friend I know of that he might get to contact me but that's really upset me/got me mad.

Thank god he's an ex at least. All I did "wrong" was dump him/not give him a chance etc but he had 2yrs worth of chances and it was him who fudged them, not me. I gave him 110% and he gave me peanuts so he can farrrrk right off.

Your ex sounds like a nob. He's your past - so what? The present is what's important. Don't you dare waste precious energy on him. It's you we need to concentrate on and get you better. Would you just come off Facebook for a few weeks? That way you wouldn't be tempted to check his profile, or have anyone connected with him contact you. I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. In a way it just doesn't allow your past mistakes to bugger off and disappear.
Are you feeling ok today? Tomorrow is Monday so just a few hours til you're back to your normal routine, which you said you find easier.
I've had a nice day - kids are hyper and exhausted after going to see both grandmas and eating too much chocolate!
The DVD gift sounds amazing - you are so thoughtful. X

Oh I know what you mean about love/hate. I don't go on there often but use it to keep DS's great grandparents in the loop with pictures of him and updates etc as they moved to the Isle of Wight. I only "follow" very close friends and family as it is too (so I don't fall into the 'everyone has a nicer life' trap because FB is just like the highlight reel of people's lives). I do have very strict privacy settings. I'm proud of how well I've brushed it off though. It really upset me at first but I just refuse to let him do that to me.

I do find weekends a bit rough and feel crap. Just put DS to bed a bit early because he was knackered and I'd just had enough but feel a bit guilty and I was snappy today Maybe tomorrow will be better. My DM did a lovely big roast and we did presents and it was nice but she kept going on about how I'm better now etc and how great that is. I'm getting better and that is great but I still have pretty bad moments (not just normal bad days IYSWIM) and I find stuff like that quite wearing after a while so I made my excuses after a while. She loved her present though so that cheered me up that I got that right.

Bet they are! DS was bouncing from the lemonade and sweet stuff. Have much planned for this evening?

I'm having two wisdom teeth and a molar pulled on Tuesday and only now starting to brick it a bit. It's sedation so not the worst but I'm hoping that it doesn't take too much our of me and there are no complications afterwards as I still feel paper thin and fragile a lot. Here's to hoping

How was your Monday Orchard? Hope you're not worrying too much about the dentist tomorrow!
I know what you mean about parents 'pretending' everything is fine. ITS FINE ITS ALL FINE. I'm sure there's a mountain sized rug in our family that everything's been swept under for years. Maybe it's her way of coping?
What you up to tonight? X