Struggling with telling anyone I feel close to "it" *trigger warning*

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I posted here before but can't find my thread.

I've been in hospital before for being suicidal with depression/anxiety (last year) and felt myself getting ill again a month or so ago. Went to the GP last week and am on ADs which worked for me before but I'm still having suicidal thoughts and more and more so thinking of plans etc. Thing is I don't feel like going back to the docs as they don't really believe you because lots of people with MH problems say they feel suicidal and you just blend in with them and maybe I won't pluck up enough courage anyway or feel better somehow.

My family know I'm not well again and want me to talk to them but I'm worried they'll either be dismissive or really upset and the guilt is already a catalyst for me as it is. I'm also worried about having DS taken off me if I tell anyone but haven't acted on it yet/do change my mind etc. I'd never put him at risk with my actions and that's clear from last year but it still worries me.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting. I swing between feeling calm/numb about it and feeling terrified. Had a bad night last night and thought someone was in the house/watching me. Just an anxiety thing but it was terrifying and I can't cope like this on my own anymore.

It probably is her way of coping to some extent. My family were very much "oh, no one in ouurrrrrrr family has MH problems" until my uncle tried to kill himself a few years back and was diagnosed with bipolar

I'm being super boring and watching The Voice. I also have a badass looking front room after getting some new furniture and moving it around a bit. What are you up to? x

Had a super early night as I had been travelling for work yesterday.
I've not seen too much of the voice this series. Lat series I kept on crying! It's just a bloody song contest!
How are you feeling day to day? Is there an overall improvement? Did you get your tablets changed at the hosp? As you know I'm no expert but I think they do take a little while to kick in?

I feel like shit but that's just because I've had one very very impacted wisdom tooth out as well as a rogue molar. ouch

Bet you were tired. How're you?

I am relieved this os out of the way even if it blardy hurts right now. It was one of the things that was really stressing me out.

Next week will be the first week they will have been considered to have "peaked" and I can tell some sort of difference which is a good thing. It should get better too with a bit more time. DS slept like crap last night so I'm now at home (a kind friend took DS from nursery to hers for the night so I can rest it off as I had a sedation this morning for the extractions). I am very glad for a rest even if it's for tooth-reasons

Ouch! Hope the pain isn't too bad, or the drugs are good! You poor thing. It's good to know your friend is looking after your boy so you can recover.
So is next week the time that you'll know if your on the right medication? Are you feeling more like you again?
I'm watching One Born Every a Minute. It's only a matter of time until I'm crying. Are you in bed now?

Thank you. I'm surprised it's not more swollen or sore actually as when she was talking to me about my x-rays before she told me that with teeth as impacted as that it's likely to cause a lot of pain for a couple of days. My jaw aches and I feel a bit fragile but it's not actually too bad which is such a relief

I meant to reply last night but fell asleep early cus of the painkillers on top of the Mirtazapine!

I still can't watch anything to do with birth since having DS. Just the image of a woman with her legs in the air or getting to that pushing stage is enough to send me into a panic attack. I used to love it though. And doesn't everyone cry once a baby is born? It's such an emotional thing even if you don't know the people isn't it.

This week is the first week I've felt a noticable improvement. I still have quite a way to go but I think another week and I'll be well out of that crisis period and that's so great. Reading back to some of my posts just before I went into hospital is a bit scary. I had a close call. And I've been using bio oil on the marks from my SH at the time and they're really healing well which is another relief.

I hope you had a nice evening. Thank you so much for your support on this thread and lovely letter/parcel. It's people like you who restore my faith in humanity when everything is bleak & crap

Bio oil is a little miracle worker isn't it? I think it might cure everything.
Glad to see you feel you are making progress. You've come such a long way in only a few weeks. Every step you've taken has been because you wanted to move forward. I don't underestimate how hard every hour has been for but you've hung In there Orchard, and I know you've not found it easy.
I'm not sure if you've said before or if I'm guessing but did you say you were in your mid 20s? I honestly think it's just a tricky time as adolescence (except no one talks about it). You're doing great x

I am mid-twenties I do think it's tricky for everyone. You're finding your feet as an adult and in my case also finding my feet as a parent!

And thank you I am so so relieved that things seem a bit better and brighter. Obviously it's not back to normal but it's bloody better than it was and that's enough for me for now.

I am veging out in my nice cosy front room and about to watch 24hrs in A&E which I find weirdly life affirming. Hope you've had a good day

My mouth is a little less swollen which is good. Had a productive day moving rubbish out of all my cupboards that's been sitting there since I moved in, in October! But I just chucked it in there when we moved in and couldn't find the energy to do it until now as I basically moved in here, broke up with my ex then had a long hard winter. I feel much better for doing all that. What are you up to tonight?

Love your room. It's looks so cosy and welcoming. How are your teeth now? Hope you are curled up on the sofa with a cuppa. I must admit you sound so 'together' for someone in their mid 20s. I admire people who know themselves very well. I was a childlike mess at your age.
Glad to hear life is looking brighter. X

Ps have a read of the 'Kondo' thread on Good Housekeeping. It made me clear out my kids drawers and one wardrobe. It's a book that helps you de clutter that people are talking about. I find it hard as my mum is quite poorly but buys them heaps of stuff - I think I'm hanging on to memories!
I cleared out the kitchen drawer that holds all the crap one day and it felt sooo good.
Tonight I'm eating the kids treats. So far it's been mini chedders and pom bears.

My DM has always said I'm an old soul I was like it as a teen too! If anything I lighten up and get more spontaneous with age ha.

My jaw pain woke me up at 4 am so I am resting on the sofa with an ice pack. It wasn't too bad the first day after but bloody hurts today. Doubt it's a dry socket as I can see the blood clots though and it's just general face pain rather than that sharp pain you get with nerve/tooth ache. I am still chuffed to bits with my front room which is something. How was your week?

I will check that out too, thanks. I love a good de-clutter!

We are going on holiday tomorrow so I am frantically packing. I wish I was more organised.
Is anyone else reading this thread? If you are jump on and look after Orchard for me while I'm away for a week in case I can't get a connection!

Ps Happy Eclipse!

Happy Eclipse! It was overcast here so it just got a bit dark then light again but nevermind

Enjoy your holiday! I hate prepping for them though so hope it's easy enough

Hi Orchard. I have been following this but had a bad time this week so not been up to posting cheerful messages. So glad you are home and feeling better. I have finally given in and accepted that I am not well enough to go back to work next week. Gutted but I was making myself worse by trying to cope ..

Hi Carbonel. Time off work for illness is fine. Take the time you need. Is there anything in particular that's a problem?

Nothing I can put my finger on Hadron I have been off for 6 weeks already and just feel awful for letting them down. Work are great but struggle without me as it is only a small team.
MIL died last week which I think has knocked me back. She had been ill for a while but still a shock when it happens plus I need to support dh which is hard as he has been supporting me for weeks!

Hope you have a fab holiday.

Your illness and grief might be two different things. Your not letting anyone down, you are simply getting better. My sympathies x

Making yourself try to cope with more than your really can never works out well. I hope you feel better for accepting you need more time? I find sometimes when I finally cut myself some slack I'm surprised at how much pressure I felt I had on me in the first place. You're not letting anyone down either. You really aren't. Sorry to hear about your MIL. Grief is grief and I hope you and your DH can help each other through this bit

I laid on the sofa for hours today whilst DS played (I did take him to nursery for his 1/2 day) but I just felt too out of it and sore to do much and sometimes you just have to give in and rest. My DM came over unnacounced after work and it really wound me up as I like to have warning and be presentable etc and she said I didn't look that bad (swelling wise) so why was I so grumpy um maybe because I'm dosed up to my eye balls on painkillers and would like to just lie down in a quiet room alone but am now having to be a host and DS is also extra wound up because you turned up right before bedtime Never mind. It's nearly my bed time now. I hope you get some rest

You are spot on Orchard once I gave in and acknowledged it was too much I felt more relaxed as if a weight had been lifted. Now of course I only have to berate myself for being a dork and setting recovery back by at least a week by messing about with the meds.
I still keep remembering tho how dealing with a severely depressed boyfriend for years, who never got better, made my grandmother ill. I don't want to do that to my family which is why I keep coming back to the ultimate step as it seems to me better for them than having to deal with years of me being ill.
of course I am completely discounting the possibility I may actually get better!
know what you mean about DM turning up unannounced and then telling you that you don't look that bad - we instinctively hide the worst! Hope you are feeling less sore today and you and ds can maybe get out for some fresh air.

We've all done similar with accidentally making recovery harder/slow down I think, in different ways. Nobody's perfect

I know exactly what you mean about worrying about the effects it has on others to the point of it swaying your 'ultimate decision' but I try to remind myself that they burden of self-blame and unresolved anger/messiness if I did chose to make an early exit would be worse than what theyre going through now and that it's the cruelest part of a lot of this stuff is how sure you feel that people would be better off without you when you're not well. It's scary. I hope you're having a good start to the weekend

My socket where they took the wisdom tooth out is still pretty sore. They gave me some antibiotics but the stitches smell like gross old food and it's all just gross

It sounds like your mouth isn't healing well at all Orchard. I'd go back on Monday if you're not seeing an improvement. Hope you had a good weekend.

I had a nice nd thanks. Went to Watership Down with the family which was nice. Hope you're enjoying your holiday!!

It's a little better today and I asked my Dm what the oral surgeon said after I was done (I don't remember it) and apparantly the tooth had freaky-long roots that were twisted too so she had told my DM I could expect it to hurt much more than the other extraction site. Thanks for only just relaying that DM

How are you Carbonel if you're still reading this?

Hi Orchard. Glad you had a good weekend. I laid down a few ground rules for my mother and she is kicking off against them but I feel stronger for taking control. Back on the pills and first day back at work today which went well but tiring. See my CPN on Wed.
Cannot actually remember much of what we did at the weekend but I think it was a good one! Dh and I made time for a walk to the pub for coffee on Saturday and than came back across country, got lost in a field and got very muddy but it was good to spend time alone together - rare chance!
Now if only I could get rid of the latest cold without getting another things would really be looking up
Hadron hope you ate enjoying your holiday

That sounds good

Hope your cold buggers off and you don't catch another

My jaw is slowly getting less sore. The stitches partially fell out last night which has helped in a way. They were quite long and irritating

So yesterday I asked ex if he'd be around to have DS much as I need to continue driving lessons during the half term (3 weeks off! eek) and he does funny shift work so would be around in the week etc. He said "oh I know it's half term, me and my mate booked a week holiday as it was on offer because of half term and then I've booked in lots of overtime to pay for it"

Finally felt up to calling my local solicitors and booking an initial consultation to discuss Ex and his flitting in and out of contact and being a selfish arse/not providing any stability at all

He's had five years. He won't like it and will bitch and whine but quite frankly, he can go fuck himself. I'll fight for stability for DS as hard as I can because it's your job when you're a parent and it's not DS's fault he's useless!