Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

Struggling with telling anyone I feel close to "it" *trigger warning*

217 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 22/02/2015 08:00

I posted here before but can't find my thread.

I've been in hospital before for being suicidal with depression/anxiety (last year) and felt myself getting ill again a month or so ago. Went to the GP last week and am on ADs which worked for me before but I'm still having suicidal thoughts and more and more so thinking of plans etc. Thing is I don't feel like going back to the docs as they don't really believe you because lots of people with MH problems say they feel suicidal and you just blend in with them and maybe I won't pluck up enough courage anyway or feel better somehow.

My family know I'm not well again and want me to talk to them but I'm worried they'll either be dismissive or really upset and the guilt is already a catalyst for me as it is. I'm also worried about having DS taken off me if I tell anyone but haven't acted on it yet/do change my mind etc. I'd never put him at risk with my actions and that's clear from last year but it still worries me.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting. I swing between feeling calm/numb about it and feeling terrified. Had a bad night last night and thought someone was in the house/watching me. Just an anxiety thing but it was terrifying and I can't cope like this on my own anymore.

OP posts:
Hadron21 · 25/02/2015 14:58

Oh god it's hard being a 'do-er' isn't it? I just wish I could take some of my own advice at times!
Ring the nice lady. Do it now. Don't do it after a cup of tea or in ten minutes. Don't think. Don't talk yourself out of it.
Call her. You need her xx (this is the advice I'd give myself)

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 25/02/2015 15:50

Thank you. It's the advice I should give myself. I got a lift there arranged by them but had to get the bloody bus then train back and that had my nerves shattered by the time I got home and all for nothing too as the psych was very nice but thinks I'm on the right stuff and didn't suggest anything else Sad

I rang the nice lady's office and left a message asking her to call me back before I chickened out. Not sure what to say exactly other than I don't find visits reassuring because you get people dismissing you all the time and talk to her about the medical review. May be pointless but I just don't feel at all reassured right now. He was talking about discharging from the CT next week! They just can't wait for you to piss off Hmm

OP posts:
Carbonel · 25/02/2015 19:29

Orchard did you hear back? It is so hard to keep pushing because the illness makes it hard even to get out of bed let alone force someone to take you seriously!
Did you see your GP about the SH?
How about your DS spending time with his gran?
I remember you said he is at pre school again today, do you have anything planned to keep you busy.
having been there I know how hard it is but it will get better. Although I am tired I have had 2 good days in a row Shock
For me I am sure the key is sleep - can you get sleeping pills to make sure get some proper rest?
Sorry for the 20 questions Wink
Take care of yourself

Hadron21 · 25/02/2015 19:34

You are in the right path. Asking for help is HUGE. You've done that. You must seem like you cope, so people don't give you what you need.
I'll check in tmw. Stronger every day my friend. X

Hadron21 · 25/02/2015 20:42

As a do-er orchard I'm so close to marching up to your house and engaging everyone who needs to listen. Being someone who copes is so difficult to seek help. I don't know the system very well but I do know that there are times unless someone is close to the edge the support services don't kick in.
Tell me what you are up to. My little one is watching Frozen (far too late) and I'm debating if I should have a shower or just bugger off to bed.
Accept today. It's done.
Plan tomorrow.
Clear your mind.
Sleep.
Then check in and we can decide together what yo of next.
Night night xx

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 25/02/2015 21:05

Hello, my brother came over which was nice and a great distraction. I haven't heard back yet but I did hear via my Dm (who SS rang) that SS are not concerned at all and that the nursery told them DS is very happy and sociable and I must be doing a good job if i'm struggling with a health issue too which was really great to hear because i'd convinced myself they were going to turn up at the door Hmm Grin so case closed without even a visit which helps the anxiety a LOT.

Tomorrow I am dragging myself out of bed early to get DS to nursery then hopefully not chickening out of walking into town to return some slippers (need bigger ones but dread being in shops atm as it makes me feel worse but it helps to keep doing small things like that that are quick and purposeful). Then resting and doing some light cleaning if I feel up to it, but not beating myself up if I don't! I must remember that bit.

Today I do think the ADs are doing something. It sounds weird but I think i'm working backwards. I went from being a bit sad, to quite sad, to hopeless, to distressed to completely numb/detatched and now I've come out of that numbness and just need to try and get through what is the worst bit, which is the distressing bit IYSWIM? It's what I keep telling myself though when I feel more desperate about it.

DS is going to his dad's/DGs for a week from this fri to next and that will give me a week to just ride out the worst of it, I hope anyway.

Thank you so much for the replies, it's so helpful to just let it out somewhere and know other people do get it and to hear from people on the other side of it too. I hope everyone else has had a nice evening Thanks

OP posts:
LastingLight · 26/02/2015 06:59

How are you feeling this morning OrchardKeeper?

CoolBananas · 26/02/2015 10:35

You're doing great Orchard. What fab news about the SS case being closed straight off. Thinking of you for your trip to town / other things you have planned for today Grin.

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 26/02/2015 11:06

Thank you. It's a total relief. I woke up feeling much less irritable (it's one of my worst "symptoms" than I have for days which is great) but I do feel pooped. Did my slipper-return and picked up some food for tonight for me & DS and am knackered! I still can't believe how tired I feel sometimes. I tell myself it's in my head but it feels very physical, like I had a hard day at the gym before fat chance, literally Hmm Grin

I haven't heard from the CT today so no idea if anyone's coming over, calling or if they just cba. It's pissing it down here today.

OP posts:
Carbonel · 26/02/2015 16:57

You're doing great orchard. I could barely drag myself put of bed today so to get into town is a real achievement. If the CT don't ring you could always ring them for an update - I have before when I'm pretty sure I missed their call. And of course ring if you need them.
Do you have some nice chill out treats planned for next week? I am thinking of taking myself away to a spa to a couple of days once my energy comes back before I go back to work. Massage is awesome when you are feeling down

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 26/02/2015 18:58

I should do something nice like that next week. I'd love a massage even if it would be weird at first. I feel so tense physically. Today is the first day I've felt like I'm uncoiling a little Smile

And thanks. I am proud and allowing myself to be proud of today. I did that, then picked up DS and we made dinner and a crumble. All fresh and relatively healthy. Baby steps and all that but I'd call it a good start. The CT are calling me tomorrow but I find them pretty useless tbh so thinking of asking to be discharged back to my GP/CMHT. Hope your evening's a good one Smile Brew

OP posts:
chestnut100 · 26/02/2015 19:53

So pleased to hear you are doing so well! Crumble sounds delicious! It may well be that the CMHT is a better fit for you; more stable and not as likely to be responding to fast moving incidents where they may have to cancel appointments.

Hope you are having a relaxing evening

Sweetoranges · 26/02/2015 22:18

So glad to hear you are feeling better Orchard.

Hadron21 · 26/02/2015 22:52

You do sound more upbeat. I'm glad you're feeling a bit better.
What are the weekends usually like for you? Better or worse than weekdays?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 27/02/2015 07:19

Thank you. Weekends are normally tough because it's just me and DS alone for most of it but he's going to his dad's tonight and a friend is popping over. And I can sleep in a bit tomorrow (which I've been dying to do because the Mirtazapine is still giving me a slight "hangover"). Hoping it goes ok.

The crumble was a bit too bitter but I basically had it swimming in custard and it was comforting if nothing else Grin Hmm

I do think the CMHT would be a better idea at this point. The CT have been as shit as last year and I feel quite let down by them. If I didn't have close family to talk to/DS to keep me going I'd have felt even worse earlier this week which is disconcerting. I know they try to do what they can with what little they have but it's pretty shoddy.

OP posts:
Hadron21 · 27/02/2015 22:45

Try to sleep later tmw and make yourself a nice breakfast. Open the windows and listen to the outside world while you have a coffee.
Is there someone close who can call the teams on your behalf? I think sometimes that they can give a truer picture.
I've no plans for the weekend. Just as I like it. Are you having a good evening with your friend?

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 28/02/2015 13:33

It was nice thank you. I was very tired but we both were and she's a good enough friend that it doesn't matter. We laughed about it a bit which I always find helps. Hope your weekend is going well Brew

I had a massive lie in (can't normally stay in bed but I made myself) and feel more awake than I have in a while. Still feeling very flat but that's much better than feeling erratic/distressed IYSWIM? It's raining here which is a bit grim but it's meant to be nice tomorrow. I have a plan to deal with my food problems/overreating when I feel up to it which I do think will help. Obviously if you eat shit you feel shit but it's easier said than done Hmm Grin

OP posts:
Hadron21 · 28/02/2015 17:11

Are you a list writer? I love a good list and a planning diary, but don't always stick to it. I do eat better when in meal plan and freeze portions for one or two (husband works away).
Raining here too but I quite enjoy it! I've got the windows open upstairs so the bedroom feels fresh and aired.
Does your friend know everything about how you're feeling?

Hadron21 · 28/02/2015 21:53

Just seeing how you are Orchard. Night night.

Hadron21 · 01/03/2015 21:11

Off to bed. How are you orchard? Hope you got some rest at the weekend.
X

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/03/2015 11:31

I'm in hospital after all so hadn't been able to get to the computer. I'm doing ok thank you, I think it's for the best. I am a list writer! My friend does know all the nitty gritty and is a great friend. I hope you've had a good weekend yourself Brew

OP posts:
Carbonel · 02/03/2015 14:00

Glad to hear from you Orchard. Well done for going into hospital and hope you get things sorted soon.

Hadron21 · 02/03/2015 18:20

I dint know the process of going to hosp with mental health issues (I'm prob not the best person to offer advice on this topic?!). Did you need to get referred or do you just walk in? I know people say if you're feeling desperate you just best rock up at a&e. What has been happening today? I assume they assess you and treat with meds? I'm curious to know what it's like!
Hope you're ok x

Original poster
TheOrchardKeeper · 02/03/2015 18:32

I was seeing the crisis team every day and on Saturday me and the person who came to see me mutually agreed I wasn't safe to be at home & I was also having some self-care issues etc. They called up to check if there were any beds and luckily there was 1! Otherwise I'd have been out-of-county. I went in voluntarily so it's not too bad actually and I feel it's for the best. I'm actually feeling a bit better today and like things are passing a bit Smile Should be getting discharged on Fri or after the weekend as it was only a very temporary thing until I felt more stable Brew

OP posts:
Hadron21 · 02/03/2015 18:44

That's brilliant news. Is it like a proper ward with beds? Good for you for going voluntary too.