Struggling with telling anyone I feel close to "it" *trigger warning*

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I posted here before but can't find my thread.

I've been in hospital before for being suicidal with depression/anxiety (last year) and felt myself getting ill again a month or so ago. Went to the GP last week and am on ADs which worked for me before but I'm still having suicidal thoughts and more and more so thinking of plans etc. Thing is I don't feel like going back to the docs as they don't really believe you because lots of people with MH problems say they feel suicidal and you just blend in with them and maybe I won't pluck up enough courage anyway or feel better somehow.

My family know I'm not well again and want me to talk to them but I'm worried they'll either be dismissive or really upset and the guilt is already a catalyst for me as it is. I'm also worried about having DS taken off me if I tell anyone but haven't acted on it yet/do change my mind etc. I'd never put him at risk with my actions and that's clear from last year but it still worries me.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting. I swing between feeling calm/numb about it and feeling terrified. Had a bad night last night and thought someone was in the house/watching me. Just an anxiety thing but it was terrifying and I can't cope like this on my own anymore.

Missed most of this with the dramas of today. Glad you got help OrchardKeeper. It is so hard to think that you matter and that it is a potentially life threatening illness. Wish they would change the name to something serious sounding like "brain cancer". Maybe we could amuse ourselves thinking up a better name
Hope the crisis team help you - they are a team so hopefully there will be someone you can relate to and get over the issues last year.
Please keep us posted with how their visit goes.

Good morning orchard. Really pleased to see things are progressing; hoping for a positive visit for you.articulate your feelings as you have on here. Will be thinking of you

Very true Carb And thank you. Just had a visit from a lovely woman I saw when I was 17! Still working there and she was very understanding and asked straight questions etc. No dissmissive attitude or anything. She discussed hospital admission and home treatment and we decided to try home first and see how it goes day by day for now. Thank you for the replies, this thread helped a lot yesterday

I'm feeling pretty wretched this morning but have been told to call them if I feel I'm deteriorating whenever which is reassuring. I'll try and manage like this and see how we go.

So glad you had a good visit; there are some people I relate to more in our team so great that you found someone you can talk to.

You are doing really well. Plan your day with gentle steps and plenty of rest and do not even think about tomorrow. And do ring them if you need to - it does help and they will come out when you need them.
Fingers crossed you get through the next few hours and feel better tomorrow.
Posting here helps me loads too - just getting it down 'on paper' maybe and support from people who understand.

Thanks. Just had a call from social services. Knew it was coming but still really upset by it. They're calling DS's Nursery to see how he's getting on (I'm always being told he's been lovely so not worried about that but worried they think I'm having a really bad impact on DS).

The woman was very patronising on the phone and was dumb-talking me.

She probably just saw the file and though "oh yeah, single mum on benefits"...I do actually volunteer and my son has a disability that has affected my search for work so you can farrrrk right off with that tone thank you very much

Feeling really worried that they're not being honest about what will happen. The crisis team person I saw earlier said it was protocol to see social services and that they just check things are ok as a standard thing but I'm worried after that phone call that they are going to randomly turn up at the door and maybe even remove DS from me or not believe that I can look after him. Feel funny about windows and people maybe being secretly nosy. Silly but I feel worried about it Debating whether or not to call the CT and tell them how I'm feeling but then worried that will make things worse.

Hi Orchard, sorry about the SS worries you're now having to deal with. I haven't anything practical to add on that count. Other than try not to worry about what might/might not happen. If something you're not happy with does happen we can figure out how to deal with it then. Try perhaps instead to focus on all the positives you've achieved between yesterday and now.

Thank you. That's a good idea. I know the pre-school DS goes to will tell them he's doing great as they often tell me. But I don't trust them not to turn up annanounced to "catch me out" or do things behind my back IYSWIM?

I feel nicer at home than I did at my DM's as it's more familiar and less bloody cold. That's one good thing. And the lady earlier was lovely.

I'm glad you're dealing with one lovely lady at least. And I know next to nothing about SS but I'm sure they're not in the game of trying to catch you out. You're taking all the right steps to get you on the mend, but I guess they just have their standard procedures to follow. Don't let it rattle you, you're doing a great job .

Hi orchard, so glad to hear you are doing well. Please try not to worry about SS, it's their job to support you in keeping the family together. That said, I think there is nothing wrong in telling the mh team how you are feeling. The more you share and the more honest you can be the better

Thank you. If I like the person who comes out tomorrow then I will tell them, even though I'm a bit wary of it

Just popping in to say hello. I don't know what to say, but I hope by reading your post that if I ever meet you I'll say the right thing. It's hard typing out what I feel as I can't put it into words. I suppose if I could I'd scoop you up and put you in my pocket.
I had a call from the health visitor today. I have a fab job and healthy income but still felt judged and like a crappy parent. It was only about the 1 year check but there's something deep in all of us that makes that conversation so difficult.
How are you feeling now?

Hi Orchard. Please do not worry about SS. I have been referred 4 times now - it absolutely is protocol in these situations. They are not here to catch you out but to see what support they can provide. With us it proved helpful because they closed the file subject to us getting certain support which meant it had to be provided iyswim so we got it much more quickly. I can fully understand about talking down to you being frustrating! However tbh if they have not mentioned a visit they won't come. Each time they phoned 'to arrange a visit' ie we weren't given a choice! Sorry can't post much more - sleeping pills kicking in and dropping off but wanted to reassure you re SS.

Thank you, that's a very kind message Hadron and that helps to know Carbonel.

I have been struggling with the suicidal thoughts very badly this morning end ended up SHing quite badly (for me). Not a lot but deeper than usual and it took a few goes to get the closing strips on and I still feel like doing more. Waiting for the CT person to come round soon otherwise I'd have phoned them as I feel terrible and erratic Sorry if that's triggering by the way, I just needed to let it out somewhere. The SH just placates that urge to act.

I think they might have rearranged for 1 when they called yesterday. I can't remember anything atm! It was arranged for 11-12 but they called yesterday to confirm and now I vaugely remember them mentioning 1pm for something but I thought that was about tomorrow. I hate not being able to retain anything at the moment I'm normally a total type-A, super organized, photographic memory kind of person so I hate the feeling that your brain has gone and liquified itself.

I am making a cup of tea with sugar to try and calm me down a bit whilst I'm waiting

I'd call then if they are not already there and inform then how you feel. That way they will be prepared to help as soon as they arrive.
The most important thing you can do is ask for help. Your solution is out there but you've got to find it!
Have a cup if tea and some toast. Breath. Wait for help.

I'll make a cuppa too and we can wait together x

Thank you. God it's stupid how alone it all makes you feel. You can be with people you know logically love you dearly and care and just feel so seperate and detatched from them regardless. It helps to post here even though it's not RL because i'm not just talking to myself and it's not just going round and round in my head. I knew it would be hard when DS went to nursery as I'd be alone but wasn't prepared for feeling this bad. I think the medication is giving me a bit more energy but that's not a good thing right now IYSWIM? I hope that's not too distressing for anyone to read

Hello OrchardKeeper, I've just read your thread. Offering you a hand to hold. I hope the CT person comes and will be of some help.

Thank you. He just listened and left and told me I have a medical review bloody miles away tomorrow with the Dr I saw when I was admitted last year who is dissmisive and I don't like. I know feel worse than I did before

What is the actual point. I told him I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts really badly today as well as urges and the self harm and still wanting to do more (I probably will later, I don't know what else to do).

And he just talked about how it'll get better and left.

I've got two hours until pick up time. It feels like two years.

Get through those 2 hours 5 minutes at a time if you have to. Are there any activities you can do to distract yourself from SH? Shooting yourself with an elastic band, hitting a pillow? Can you set little goals for yourself, like washing up your mug and plate from lunch, folding 5 pairs of underwear and pairs of socks, vacuuming one room, cleaning the toilet, changing the bed linen, reading 1 page in a book or magazine, breathing deeply (in through the nose, out through the mouth) for 30 seconds? Or silly things like seeing how long you can stand on one leg, or how many times you can climb the stairs, or skipping? I'm sorry if my suggestions sound stupid or frivolous to you, I'm hoping that some of it will help.

Orchard how are you today?