Struggling with telling anyone I feel close to "it" *trigger warning*

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I posted here before but can't find my thread.

I've been in hospital before for being suicidal with depression/anxiety (last year) and felt myself getting ill again a month or so ago. Went to the GP last week and am on ADs which worked for me before but I'm still having suicidal thoughts and more and more so thinking of plans etc. Thing is I don't feel like going back to the docs as they don't really believe you because lots of people with MH problems say they feel suicidal and you just blend in with them and maybe I won't pluck up enough courage anyway or feel better somehow.

My family know I'm not well again and want me to talk to them but I'm worried they'll either be dismissive or really upset and the guilt is already a catalyst for me as it is. I'm also worried about having DS taken off me if I tell anyone but haven't acted on it yet/do change my mind etc. I'd never put him at risk with my actions and that's clear from last year but it still worries me.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting. I swing between feeling calm/numb about it and feeling terrified. Had a bad night last night and thought someone was in the house/watching me. Just an anxiety thing but it was terrifying and I can't cope like this on my own anymore.

He's only been getting away with it because he can. Basically you've been trying to do the right thing but for his own reasons he can't or won't see it. You do need stability so this may be the only option (you're probably entitled to some of that 'overtime' cash too). You are in the same position as so many mums who cope and try to do the right thing for everyone. At least this way you'll see how hard he fights for his rights. It might be worthwhile starting another thread just about this? There is so much good advice on here.
How are you feeling in other wats (apart from feisty and ready to take on the world ha ha).

Hi Carbonel - you sound like you're heading in the right direction. I think what you're going through just proves no one can take feeling well in the mental health sense for granted. We are enjoying our holiday but it's hard work. I look at people on sun lounges chilling out and reading books - I'd love just a couple of hours to do that!

Very true. I honestly think if his DM wasn't so keen on seeing DS herself he'd have never have bothered at all! I feel a bit of a weight has been lifted now I'm taking it further and handing it over to the pros. It's been getting me down for five bloody years.

I painted DS's room a lovely teal-ish blue and he has a pretty adhesive map of the world from Jo Jo Maman Bebe (way too expensive for me to shop in my his great grandparent's bought it for him as a gift!). It looks lovely and I feel very proud of my house now I've finally painted every room that needed doing from when we moved in. Mental health wise I found myself really struggling this morning what with ex and his fuckwittery winding me up and being tired as DS is ill with a cold but I made myself do his room as it made the time pass quicker, DS was cute and watched me and we chatted lots and it was exercise in a way which always boosts me up. I feel better about it now and more resolved about just sodding it and going for the law route.

Hope your holiday is going well! I might start a thread about ex and contact but I find a lot of good advice by searching old threads by other people too

Hope your day has been ok Carbonel

Glad you are doing okay Orchard. Room sounds lovely . I feel like I am on a roller coaster up one minute down the next. CPN won't increase the dose despite saying she would last week when I stopped them because had plateaud. Popped into work for a working lunch (supposed to be off) which was good company as dh and I had row last night. So want to give up atm dare not go home in case I take the stash of pills I have there

Hope you and your husband have made up Carbonel. Life seems so much worse with a row hanging over you. Is it time to tell someone else how desperate you're feeling? If you can't trust yourself with a stash of pills I think you're about as far as you can go on your own. Look at Orchard and how far she's come in three weeks. But - she needed help to reach the other side.
I wish I could do or say more to help. I don't know how I ended up on this topic as I know nothing about mental health. I do know that your family need you. One day at a time you'll get better x

Hope you feel a bit better today Carbonel And extra if you don't. And tell whoever will listen how you're feeling if you can. It's the hardest thing to do but what you're carrying is a weight and we're not always strong enough to carry those weights by ourselves. It's ok to need help.

The contact issues with ex are really getting to me today but trying not to think about it.

Has anything more happened with your ex Orchard? Or is it the thought of taking action looming? You can't control his reaction - you can only make the right choices for your son. Just remember that's all you're doing. If he tells you that you're being unreasonable have a mental image of a list of when he's been unreasonable!
On another thread on here someone said to press 'fast forward' in your life and see where you'll end up if you do nothing. At least he will know your serious so one solicitors letter may be all it needs for him to change his behaviour.
Saying that, you don't have to do this now. You can wait until you are stronger. Making the decision to seek formal arrangements may be all you need to do right now.
Carbonel thinking of you and hope you're ok.

Thank you, that's great advice!! The reason I'm acting now is because I don't like how I think it will look if I pressed 'fast forward' right now for DS.

It's just the fact it's been 4 years now. I'm just psyching myself up to deal with it if that makes sense? Once it's done it'll be so worth it for me and for DS.

Hope your holiday is going well

Given everything you've said, stability is what you need. I'm a list maker and need order and structure. Anything else is chaotic for me. He should be upfront about what type of dad he's going to be. I know without doubt what I'd do for my kids as their mum. Just make the progress you can as you feel strong enough to do so. It's not going to be easy. It never ceases to amaze me what arseholes men can be when it comes to money / access in this situation. I see it as a way to 'control' what aspect they can. They assume that if they give you money you're living the high life, or out with 'men' when they have access and you're child free for a night.
Sorry for the rant - I've seen too many brilliant mums suffer and cope!
Holiday is great. I've eaten nothing but carbs for five days and hardly drank a drop. I'm dying for a salad and a Pinot Grigio.

They assume that if they give you money you're living the high life, or out with 'men' when they have access and you're child free for a night

He thinks this and has basically said so more than once!! I laughed and said I have much better things to be doing on my child-free nights...Like sleep And just because you pay the money you should be paying to help DS doesn't make you a saint or mean you're allowed to then mess him about. Ad funnily enough £200 may sound like a lot per month but a.) you earn about £2000 a month and b.) it doesn't even cover treats for DS, it just keeps out heads above the water...especially as he has a foot condition that means whenever i buy him shoes, which I have to do at least 5 times a year, I have to fork out 50-60 quid! For one "pair" as he has totally different sized and shaped feet.

Grrrr

Glad your holiday is going well.

Any news from the ex Orchard? Hope that you are feeling ok one day at a time.

Our holiday is over and I'm stuck in a swamp of clothes washing xx (holiday wAs great though).

Glad the holiday was good

No more news but things have settled down. I'm going back to the GP to switch I think. Mirtazapine works well for me depression wise but I really struggle with binge eating and I don't look it but I'm really quite overweight and it ironically really depresses me

I know there are a few you can switch to so am going to push for it before I get any bigger. I've ballooned. Never really discussed how badly I binge eat with any professionals out of shame to be honest so maybe I should? I don't eat in front of other's as I'm ashamed of my weight but buy special "binge foods" if I'm having a bad day (which can be 4 days out of the week!) and just eat until it hurts. It started when I stopped regularly self harming almost 6 years ago as I used to self harm to cope with hard things in life and now I eat. And people always say just stop eating or if it makes you so unhappy why do you do it etc but it feels way out of my control when I'm not my normal self/struggling with my health or mental health. I feel a bit weird even admitting I do it on here. It's literally my biggest and best kept secret I barely admit to myself it's a problem but I'm at my biggest again like I was last year, 13st and a bit and only 5"7 so well into the overweight catagory. I hate it hate it hate it hate it.

How are you? What are you up to this evening?

Hi Orchard. Got over my wobble last week (MIL funeral) altho still off the pills coz my CPN said she would increase them if I went back on which I did for a few days but then she refused so stopped again. 0Completely agree on the weight thing - docs tried to give me mirtazapine but once I read the reviews I refused. Have steadily put on weight over the last 3 years on high dose ADs and do the binge eating thing too. Deffo speak to your doc and see what else they can offer.
Hadron glad you had good hols but you've brought the rain back for your washing

Hi both, sorry for the silence but I've had a few things to deal with at home. You've both been in my thoughts.
Orchard - I think the fact that you are willing to write about the eating tells me you're in a place where you feel you may have the strength to deal with it. That shows the progress you've made*
If you can, tackle this now. I'm not saying stop, but find the words to speak to your mental health team. It's a symptom that can be fixed. Well done for facing up to it and writing down how you feel.
What are you both up to this weekend? We are just relaxing and visiting family. I've just poured a glass of wine my friends so cheers!

• I sound like an armchair psychotherapist! I'm sorry! I wish I had some real mental health advice in terms of drugs etc. All I know is I'm here to listen, and offer advice from someone who's lived a little. X

This is Carbonel's dh. She wanted to tell you that she has been banned which is why she cannot post anymore. Didn't want people to worry about why she had disappeared ...

Thank you Carbonel. Sorry you've been banned!!

I just got back from my holiday on the isle of wight with DS. I managed to fall knee-first on an upturned plug from my straighteners yesterday so now have three stitches in my knee-cap region and am feeling a bit sorry for myself I am a world-class clutz.

And that is actually how I feel Hadron. I didn't even feel "up to" dealing with it until very recently. Even admitting it at all. I hope you both had a great Easter?

Hi there old friend. How are you? Hope you're feeling stronger. You've been on my mind. Have you managed to address the issues you've talked about? I'm back now, keep talking. Xx