Feeling suicidal, on my own, and a very, very long way from home

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have bipolar II, which was diagnosed after having my second daughter in 2010. I had a tough time finding the right medication, but finally stabilised last November.

Over the last 2-3 weeks I've been back to struggling. I've been waking up on a morning like someone's sitting on my chest, oh-so tired, and just struggling through every hour. Now I'm slipping down in to feeling suicidal. Everywhere I look, I see ways of hurting myself. I'm starting to obsess about one particular way and just can't get it out of my head.

My problem is that I'm in the USA and on my own (for 12 more days). I've got nobody to talk to, nothing to distract me, and no way of getting help. I'm trying to stay rationale. I'm making myself leave the hotel and go do the work I need to do, but it's hard to stay in control of these thoughts. I've had moments of feeling very detached, like I'm floating, which I know is a pretty bad sign. I already feel like I don't exist.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I know that I'm not at risk of doing anything right now so there's no way I'm going to say anything. I'm only able to talk to my husband for 10 minutes when I ring to say goodnight to the kids. It's busy and my parents are in ear shot. So I just need to get this out somewhere as it's building up. I feel very isolated, alone, and helpless.

[bolshieoldcow]

I'm away from internet for a few days so send good wishes and hope the next few are easier. Will check back when I can xx

You'll be home soon, OP, so hang on. Your loved ones are waiting at home for you to be with them again.

[Jollyb]

Hope you're ok Dontrun.

[whethergirl]

Been thinking about you all day, hope you're alright x

[Thurlow]

Just seen this thread. I hope you are alright, dontrun, you've been doing so amazingly well. I also hope you've gone to the ER. So good to hear that you have made contact on a US site too who have been so helpful.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Hi, thanks for the messages. I'm getting through. Not been to the ER, I couldn't deal with that. But I have been feeling a little more settled today. Just so very tired and want to be home in my own bed. When I wake up it will be 3 nights left, plus one on the plane.

[BrianTheMole]

Honey, you're doing so well, not long to go now. Look back on your thread and see how many days you've already got through. I'm glad you're feeling more settled, but if it gets worse you need to get yourself into ER. Your life is more important than anything else, don't forget this ok?

[ShyGirlie]

You're so very nearly almost there! Hang in there and u will be home tucked up in your own bed in no time at all!xo

[ccridersuz]

Hi hun, you must be missing home and that's understandable, I feel for you but please ask for some help, maybe they have the equivalant of the samaritions over there. As you are online it may be worth you having a chat and maybe they can put you in touch with a local organisation. It is awful being in a foreign country stuck in a hotel. I know I've done it myself. but asking for help in getting a bit of female company may be the way forward. I am sure they operate on confidential conversations the same as here and in no way would they affect your visa.
a bit of female company is what you need.

[ccridersuz]

Also there is a website over there called modernmom. just a suggestion.

[amazingmumof6]

keep talking your DH and your psychologist and us!

you are feeling better, which is great and it's not that long now before you get on that plane to return to your family !

I think it is fantastic that you are able to get through this with just a little help, so yes, you can do it!

keep talking sweetheart, you'll get through this!

[dontrunwithscissors]

I feel like I'm floating around in a fantasy world, where televisions tell me what to do. I'm feeling robotic and really having to fight the urge to obey.

Thinking about my girls....lovely, loving, snuggly girls.

[amazingmumof6]

turn off the tv then.

focus on getting home to your kids and DH!
imagine how lovely it will be to hug them and kiss them and keep insisting on that image.
you'll get through these hard time, you can do it!

[Orianne]

How old are your girls?

[fluffydressinggown]

Are you challenging your thinking? I get messages from the TV (as you do) and I try to write down or repeat what it is to contextualise it and recognise that I am finding meaning where there is none.

I have been following your posts I am so pleased you are feeling calmer and going home soon.

[dontrunwithscissors]

They're 3 and 6. Saw them on Skype today.

I'm trying to rationalise them, fluffy. I got so close last night, and felt such a strong compulsion to act. I ended up speaking to someone on a helpline and was oh-so-close to agreeing to an ambulance. But it's just too scary and too much. I think I would have agreed if at home, but it's too much in a strange system.

In the library again today. I feel safe here.

Thanks for your support. Four days from now, I'll be home. Tomorrow will be hard as the library is closed, as is just about everywhere. (There's one café that's open until 1pm. Every other shop/restaurant/ café is closed.) But I'll start travelling back on Tuesday so I guess it's just today/tomorrow/Monday that will be the difficult times.

I emailed my psychologist to tell her what was happening, and to ask how I can get help when I'm back. Hopefully I'll have heard from her when I wake up on Monday. She's a gem, but is leaving in September. I suspect I won't get a replacement for her and I don't have a CPN. But I've learnt so much about how to cope with things from her that I think I'll be able to do a lot on my own.

[SugarandSpice126]

It must have been really scary last night, but I'm glad you managed to fight it. You're so much stronger than you think.

It's good you feel safe in the library. Do you think it's because you're surrounded by things that make sense to you? As in your research and your work.. I hope it's also better to be around people there too.

Do you think you'll be able to go to the cafe until 1pm tomorrow? Trying to stay with people might be the safest option until you go home. You really are so close now.

You do sound as though you have so many coping resources, and in general are well equipped to deal with this. You're completely out of your comfort zone where you are, so it's completely understandable you're finding it harder to cope. That's completely normal. But you are coping and you can do this. Imagine getting off the plane, seeing your family, unpacking, going to sleep in your own bed with your husband...focus on all those things. You could write a list of all these positive things you can do in a few days time, and then look at them when you feel really low.

I have 100% faith in you, and so does everyone else here.

[amazingmumof6]

how are you doing? keep posting, we are all here for you!
(more hugs)

[evelynj]

Hi

Just wanted to add my support & say could you ask around for any other clubs or organisations where there might be gatherings of people if this is what will get you through.

Could you do a time plan hour by hour & schedule e.g. A walk, some organising/packing, shopping etc so you can visually tick off the time until bedtime? You should be really proud-keep posting here & call back the helplines if you need to.

Thinking of you (())

[amazingmumof6]

how are you today? what time is it where you are?

keep thinking of you, be strong!

[dontrunwithscissors]

48 hours until I start travelling. 72 hours and I will be home. I think today will be tough as no where is open for me to escape the hotel and the weather is rubbish. I really don't want to talk to anyone---not even the kids. I am so tired.

[amazingmumof6]

can you talk to me? about anything?

what chees you up?

[amazingmumof6]

I meant what CHEERS you up!

[Gunznroses]

Hang on in there! You're doing so well, just keep picturing your lovely lovely girls.

[Thurlow]

You are doing so well. I am amazed and so in awe of how well you are coping. You're so very nearly home!