Feeling suicidal, on my own, and a very, very long way from home

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have bipolar II, which was diagnosed after having my second daughter in 2010. I had a tough time finding the right medication, but finally stabilised last November.

Over the last 2-3 weeks I've been back to struggling. I've been waking up on a morning like someone's sitting on my chest, oh-so tired, and just struggling through every hour. Now I'm slipping down in to feeling suicidal. Everywhere I look, I see ways of hurting myself. I'm starting to obsess about one particular way and just can't get it out of my head.

My problem is that I'm in the USA and on my own (for 12 more days). I've got nobody to talk to, nothing to distract me, and no way of getting help. I'm trying to stay rationale. I'm making myself leave the hotel and go do the work I need to do, but it's hard to stay in control of these thoughts. I've had moments of feeling very detached, like I'm floating, which I know is a pretty bad sign. I already feel like I don't exist.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I know that I'm not at risk of doing anything right now so there's no way I'm going to say anything. I'm only able to talk to my husband for 10 minutes when I ring to say goodnight to the kids. It's busy and my parents are in ear shot. So I just need to get this out somewhere as it's building up. I feel very isolated, alone, and helpless.

[bolshieoldcow]

You're doing brilliantly! Keep going, one hour at a time and you will be back home with the ones you love - and the support you are familiar with - soon.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thanks, it really helps having someone push me on.

Feeling very light headed as haven't managed to get out the hotel room and only had a couple of cereal bars. WIll have to try tomorrow...nine days left when I wake up.

[wonderstuff]

Hang on in there. Eating better will help with sleep, try to eat regularly ( says she with insomnia and poor diet)

[bolshieoldcow]

Is there somewhere nearby you can stroll to and grab a bite to eat? Your blood sugar must be in your boots! And it is important to keep looking after yourself - even the little things like eating well, washing and dressing even when you've nothing planned.

Also, do you want to chat about something other than how you're feeling (like, your work, or something you can see out the window or who your favourite Bond/cookbook writer/member of the Danish royal family is...?) or is it more helpful for you to be able to focus on the feelings and emotions you're experiencing?

[dontrunwithscissors]

I'm too scared to leave the room right now. I won't go in to why, but it's too much right now. There's no where that does deliveries and no room service so I'm stuck. I'll try tomorrow, even if it's just getting downstairs to get breakfast.

If it's OK, it helps for me to just babble everything out on here. It releases some of the pressure, if that makes sense?

[StripeyYogurt]

thinking of you x keep posting

[bolshieoldcow]

Absolutely! This is your thread, it's a safe place and we're here to support you in whatever way you would like. You go ahead and say whatever helps you - and know that you've got people thinking about you and wishing you well. xx

[SugarandSpice126]

Thinking of you.. In response to what you said earlier - do babble on about anything you want if it helps! We are all here to listen. I know it can be really hard to eat properly, but even though you don't want to go and get some, not eating will make you feel worse, which I'm sure you know. If you can force yourself to go and buy anything at all to eat that really would be so good. (Think I'm rambling now!) sending you strength x

[wonderstuff]

Thinking of you. Hope you are feeling better today.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Had a rough night last night--had some flashbacks of a traumatic event, which seems to rear its ugly head when I'm low. Lost the plot slightly and thought someone was trying to get in to the room to get me. Not good.

Managed to get breakfast this morning and got a snack to take back to the hotel room so a better day. I will try to amuse myself with crap US TV and surfing the web.

Half way through.

This is really hard.

[SugarandSpice126]

That sounds really tough..it's horrible the way your mind can play tricks on you.

Really glad you've managed to eat. Can you go and get some fresh air? Not sure what the weathers like there. US Tv is so different isn't it! I hope distracting yourself goes well, though do keep talking to people too.

And yes, half way there! It won't be long now, and you're staying so strong

[Ajaney]

Just offering a hand to hold, hoping you have a better night.

[kizzie]

Fwiw I think you are doing brilliantly. I know you must feel bloody awful but you've got this far. Try and keep eating - makes it even harder if your blood sugar levels are up and down. Only a few more days to go ...

[bolshieoldcow]

Over halfway there you can do this! Keep going, one hour at a time, one day at a time. You're doing so well. Sounds like the other night was a scary one but at least you recognise what's happening with you.

Are you keeping in touch with your psychologist too? She might like to know how things are progressing.

This is hard, really hard, but you are showing so much courage and strength in getting through this and, as TV says, lots of people including yourself want you to get home safely.

How has today been? Have you been at the library? Did you manage to get something healthy to eat?

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thanks you everyone. Ten nights down, seven to go. Seems like an age still.

I had another flashback in the early hours of the morning. I've never had this many together. They're terrifying and so real. I think it's down to the bloody sleep deprivation. I stayed in my room again. I had some peanuts to eat.

I haven't been in contact with my psychologist as I don't want to take up her time, but I might email to ask if there are any techniques for dealing with the flashbacks.

[wonderstuff]

Do email her, she's there to help you when you need it and you could do with support.

[SugarandSpice126]

Hope you're doing ok today dontrun. No idea what time it actually is where you are though! Hope you have/had manageable day. Have you managed to eat much?

The flashbacks sound horrible..I hope they ease a bit. Have you emailed your psychologist again? I really don't think you would be taking up her time, that's what she's there for and I'm sure she wants to help and understands you need some more coping strategies. Have you been talking to your husband? You have so many people that want to support you.

But another day nearly gone since you last posted - you can do this. Keep posting if it's a good distraction.

[dontrunwithscissors]

I emailed my psych last night, but I know she's not always at her email so it might take a couple of days to hear back.

Managed to eat a banana this afternoon and went for a walk.

[wonderstuff]

That's really good. One day at a time, you'll get through this.

[bolshieoldcow]

So pleased to hear that you've emailed your psychologist and that you managed to eat and get out of the hotel - hopefully you're feeling a wee bit better today for it? And you've made it through another day. You're doing brilliantly under what sound like pretty horrific circumstances

[dontrunwithscissors]

In the morning it will be 5 nights and 1 on the plane.

This time next week I will be in my own bed and hopefully have some help.

[GirlWiththeLionHeart]

How are you dontrun?

How's the research going? Have you spoken to your H?

Hope you're ok. I hope the time passes quickly x

[kizzie]

I was just about to say bananas. Its really good that youve managed to eat .... and that you can look ahead to next week when you'll be back at home.