Feeling suicidal, on my own, and a very, very long way from home

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have bipolar II, which was diagnosed after having my second daughter in 2010. I had a tough time finding the right medication, but finally stabilised last November.

Over the last 2-3 weeks I've been back to struggling. I've been waking up on a morning like someone's sitting on my chest, oh-so tired, and just struggling through every hour. Now I'm slipping down in to feeling suicidal. Everywhere I look, I see ways of hurting myself. I'm starting to obsess about one particular way and just can't get it out of my head.

My problem is that I'm in the USA and on my own (for 12 more days). I've got nobody to talk to, nothing to distract me, and no way of getting help. I'm trying to stay rationale. I'm making myself leave the hotel and go do the work I need to do, but it's hard to stay in control of these thoughts. I've had moments of feeling very detached, like I'm floating, which I know is a pretty bad sign. I already feel like I don't exist.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I know that I'm not at risk of doing anything right now so there's no way I'm going to say anything. I'm only able to talk to my husband for 10 minutes when I ring to say goodnight to the kids. It's busy and my parents are in ear shot. So I just need to get this out somewhere as it's building up. I feel very isolated, alone, and helpless.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Bad day again today. Feeling paranoid and scared.

Thinking abut giving in and taking some extra meds tonight. I've been avoiding it as the side effects )(joint pain) are awful but I don't know how I'm going to manage te next 5 days right now, never mind the 20 hour journey home (three flights).

[SugarandSpice126]

It's not about 'giving in', it's about doing what's best for you and will get you through. Could you email doctor to ask if it would be best to go on medication? But if you get bad pain, you probably won't be able to get to sleep, which would probably make things worse..

[Timetoask]

Could you not cut your trip short and come back straight away, explain the situation to your employer?

[bolshieoldcow]

What Sugar said - it's not giving it, it's doing what you need to do to get through this.

Have you seen the Foreign Office info leaflet on Mental Health abroad? It tells you what help you can get - would you perhaps read it and see if there is something that you can access to help you through the next few days? You shouldn't have to go through this alone, and when it comes to medication, there are people who will help if you ask. here's a pdf of the leaflet

Please keep posting and stay safe. xx

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thanks all.

I'm already on 3 medications. I have some PRN quetiapine I can take if I need to.

It's not so simple as just cutting the trip short as 1) the cost is covered by a grant, and it is not normal for anything extra to be covered by the Uni; 2)most importantly, I have already checked, and there are no earlier flights available. I'm in the middle of no where with a tiny airport and very few flights out. I'm a long, long, long way from a larger airport.

I hadn't seen the leaflet--thanks for the link.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Feeling very off. Getting signs to kill myself; they seem very clear and strong. People on another forum, based in the US, think I should get help. Someone on there rang the equivalent of the crisis team and they've said they'll see me if I go to the ER. I don't know what to do.

[Jollyb]

Go to the ER please.

[ColouringInQueen]

dontrun just caught up with your thread and really feel for you. So sorry to hear you're feeling worse tonight. Sounds like there is some support available at the ER - could you get there?

[carlywurly]

It's literally a matter of life and death. You have to go to the er. Thinking of you, please keep talking to us if you can.
You can do this.

[whethergirl]

Yes, please go to the ER. We should have thought of that before. It's very hard for you to make the right decision in your frame of mind, so please listen to others advice (don't mean to sound patronising - I have suffered with mental health problems in the past and have been very slow to get the help I needed as I was paranoid that whatever the dr gave me would make me worse).

You're doing brilliantly so far, and you've done all the right things - told your husband, trying to eat, talking on forums etc. But you know how these feelings you have can spiral and can get out of control. You may find yourself in a position where you're not even able to get to the ER. So while you can manage it, please PLEASE go. You can't manage this on your own.

[SugarandSpice126]

As I said earlier in the thread - there comes a time when you have to put yourself and your health before anything else. If you feel you are in real danger, go to the ER or do what you need to do to be safe. If your husband was seriously ill, you wouldn't advise him not to go to the hospital because it would be too expensive/difficult, would you? Sometimes it's necessity. Your family love you and need you to be around and come home to them in a few days time. This need comes before anything else - money, difficulty with university, everything. YOU are most important in this, the rest is just practicalities of life. This is an illness - you can and you should seek help when it becomes dangerous to you and your life.

The 'signs' you see are not real. Deep down you know this. It is the illness making you see these things, it's not you. The real signs of how you're doing are right in front of you - you're still here and you're still carrying on. Youve just posted this on here - another sign that you dont want to die, you want to live. You've made it this far, and you CAN make it another few days. You have support all around you, and strategies which can help you.

Have you rung your husband? This is not a time for not wanting to worry him - again, think about you would feel if roles were reversed. You would want to know if your husband was like this and would be devastated if he felt he couldn't turn to you. And go to ER and tell them, they will help you and you will live.

[SugarandSpice126]

This link might also be good for you when you feel really bad: www.metanoia.org/suicide/

[QOD]

Hope you're ok op

[SugarandSpice126]

Message on here as much as you want, we're all here.. I hope you're getting help

[SugarandSpice126]

Thinking of you x

[bolshieoldcow]

Hope you're getting some RL help now, Dontrun - if the thoughts are getting more overwhelming, you probably should be seen at the ER. They will know how to help you. Please go to them. What sugar says above is so sensible.

Please let us know how you're getting on?

[dontrunwithscissors]

Still here. CAn't face being taken in.

[bolshieoldcow]

I really feel for you, but I just don't know what to say that could help. If you could speak to a trained professional I really think that would be a good idea. If you can't face going into the ER in person, would you be able to phone one of the numbers on the FO leaflet? Or call the US-based www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org?

[SugarandSpice126]

Agree with what bolshie says...think of one thing you could do, and do it one step at a time. Have you eaten?

What are you feeling? If it helps, type it all out. Or if not, type about anything you want and we will distract you. You're not a failure, you're not weak, you're not pathetic...all those horrible things the voice in your head tells you are not true. There are no signs, it is just the illness. Please repeat this to yourself. The proof that you can do this is in this moment right now - you are alive. You can do this.

[whethergirl]

I know it feels impossible, but seeing someone medically trained will help you.

How would you feel about someone here calling your local A&E and explaining the situation?

You can PM any one of us the details (your hotel address/room no.) and we could go from there? I'd be happy to help, the only thing is I won't be online again until late tonight (which might actually work out, because of the time differences) but there are always caring mumsnetters around at all times.

Alternatively call/email your psychotherapist, tell her honestly how bad this is and how you're struggling to get outside help. She must be able to get help for you.

Please let us help you, you're doing so well but there is only so much you can do on your own.

[SugarandSpice126]

Still here..please let us know you're ok when you can x

[kizzie]

Just checking in to see how you are x

[bolshieoldcow]

Another one thinking of you today x