Feeling suicidal, on my own, and a very, very long way from home

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have bipolar II, which was diagnosed after having my second daughter in 2010. I had a tough time finding the right medication, but finally stabilised last November.

Over the last 2-3 weeks I've been back to struggling. I've been waking up on a morning like someone's sitting on my chest, oh-so tired, and just struggling through every hour. Now I'm slipping down in to feeling suicidal. Everywhere I look, I see ways of hurting myself. I'm starting to obsess about one particular way and just can't get it out of my head.

My problem is that I'm in the USA and on my own (for 12 more days). I've got nobody to talk to, nothing to distract me, and no way of getting help. I'm trying to stay rationale. I'm making myself leave the hotel and go do the work I need to do, but it's hard to stay in control of these thoughts. I've had moments of feeling very detached, like I'm floating, which I know is a pretty bad sign. I already feel like I don't exist.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I know that I'm not at risk of doing anything right now so there's no way I'm going to say anything. I'm only able to talk to my husband for 10 minutes when I ring to say goodnight to the kids. It's busy and my parents are in ear shot. So I just need to get this out somewhere as it's building up. I feel very isolated, alone, and helpless.

Definitely email your psychologist. I'm sure she won't ignore it. I hope she has some helpful suggestions of what you can do.

Thank you for your support, especially at such a late hour for you. I will try to email her tonight so she sees it in the morning. She's lovely and I don't think she'll ignore it. I just want my DH to give me a big hug right now.

Text him....he would want to know and he can keep in touch with you throughout the day to keep you present.

Try and keep posting and talking on here or go on other threads and chat about other "stuff" to keep you in the present. That might help. Small steps.

I would suggest finding a time to talk to your DH about this, yes of course he will be worried, but that could help you. His worry for you can be grounding and give you a sense of reality iyswim. If he can then call you at regular intervals then you can have someone to speak to throughout the day.

Is there any way you can speak to your psychologist or the Acute Response Team? Is there any possibility of getting PRN medication in the States?

Could you also call the Samaritans throughout the day? You need to speak to someone and not be alone with these feelings, to diffuse the power they have. I know that sometimes these suicidal thoughts can have a fantasy element to them, and this fantasy bubble needs to be popped by people who can ground you.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, it's horrible . But please hang on, things can be so different in a matter of days.

You sound as though you have a lot of support, please use it...those people are all there to help you through times like this. Being alone and isolated in a foreign country as you are would be pretty miserable for a lot of people, so please don't feel bad about it. Soon enough you will be back at home and you will have as many hugs as you could possibly want :) just work through these 12 days, day by day, hour by hour if you need to. And if things get really desperate for you, then just get yourself home/hospital ASAP and deal with the consequences afterwards. Your life is too precious to your family to risk it.

I really have to get some sleep now, but well done for having the courage to post here, and I hope you find the same courage to contact all the people in your support network too.

Thank you everyone and I hope I've not kept people awake. I'm going to get a shower and try to get a grip. Then I'll try writing an email.

Ooooo......think you can buy "grips" somewhere on here!!!
No, not keeping me awake. Im up till 3 or 4 doing my TMA which is already a week late. lol.

Hi dontrun, I just want to offer a hand to hold, having been in a similar position. I'm in academia too (though just a PhD candidate, not a lecturer) and I find these trips abroad, away from my DH, really stressful. I was in California last year, horribly jet-lagged, and panicking massively. It was really tough, but what did help a bit was making sure I got an early night, buying some soothing bubble bath from a shop and watching crappy films on the hotel TV at night.

I know that probably won't help with your situation, but is the archive/library you're working in connected to a university? if so, could you email some staff members in your field to say you're in town and suggest meeting for coffee / dinner? Only if you're feeling up to it, but it might make you feel less alone.

If not, I agree with other posters that calling the US Samaritans, Skypeing your DH (if possible) or even going into a church might help. Even if you're totally areligious. I'm a (lapsed) Catholic, but when I was away at a conference last year, with a horrible flare up of my generalised anxiety disorder, I wandered into a chapel and spent half an hour talking to a nun. She just listened, offered me a cup of tea, and for that little while I felt safe.

I really hope you feel better - stay in touch here. x

I agree emailing your psychologist is a good idea. You can also email the Samaritans if that's preferable to phoning.

How are you feeling dontrun?

Hi Dontrun, just checking in to see if you are feeling OK? hope today was better and you managed to talk to some people you know

Hope you are doing okay x

Also checking in - have been thinking about you and hope you're ok. Post here as much as you want if it helps x

Another one checking in to see how you are today! Hope you're having a better time of it today. x

Hi, thanks for the messages. I'm struggling along.

I sent my DH a morbid text last night, which woke him up and so he rang me. So he knows things aren't good. My psychologist emailed back with some advice, too.

I'm just so tired, and these thoughts are wearing me down. Every where I look, my head sees a way of killing myself. I can't sleep either, I think my body clock's screwed up, too.

Sorry, I'm not capable of saying too much as my thinking is so muddled up.

It's really good that you've told your husband and psychologist.

I don't have any experience of Bipolar but I did have a horrendous 10 day holiday when I was at the peak of an episode of anxiety/depression. I was in such a state :-(
Such a waste too - was in a beautiful hotel in gorgeous place...

But anyway - way I got through it in the end was by literally breaking each day into 15 minute/ half hour chunks and just getting through one at a time.

I couldn't really concentrate to read anything decent but I bought every rubbish magazine I could find to pass a bit of time and watched mind numbing rubbish tv. I also called my dr to make sure that I had an appointment booked for as soon as I got home.

I didn't have access to Skype or anything but I did do an lot of texting.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. It sounds like you are coping amazingly well in the circumstances.

(you've managed another day since last night - that's one ticked off the list !)

Dontrun, hope you're ok. Am thinking of you and hope you're managing to get through bit at a time. You have so much support and people who love you. It's wont be long until you're home x

Thanks for the posts. Ten days to go. I'm just so tired--I feel like someone's sitting on my chest. My heart's fluttering and my stomach's churning all the time. Urgh. I did manage to Skype with the kids and DH today, which was really nice.

I just need to sort my sleep out. I keep dropping off and jolting awake again. It feels like torture. Sorry for the pitiful post.....

Sorry it feels so horrible. And that wasn't a pitiful message! You could write a page of how awful you feel and we still wouldn't judge you for it. It just often feels as though it's pitiful, but really it's just you being honest and asking for help - that's very brave.

I hope you manage to sleep a bit more, it really will help. Keep going out, engaging with people you come across. Staying alone in a hotel room is pretty depressing by itself, so just try and force yourself to do things outside of the room. Not long now. You'll soon be home with your family

No, we don't have enough money for DH to fly out. My flights cost £900 and they were booked some time ago.

I have full medical cover as it's organised by work.

I'm managing hour by hour, thanks. I have a feeling I might fall apart when I get home, but at least I will have the regular support then.