Feeling suicidal, on my own, and a very, very long way from home

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have bipolar II, which was diagnosed after having my second daughter in 2010. I had a tough time finding the right medication, but finally stabilised last November.

Over the last 2-3 weeks I've been back to struggling. I've been waking up on a morning like someone's sitting on my chest, oh-so tired, and just struggling through every hour. Now I'm slipping down in to feeling suicidal. Everywhere I look, I see ways of hurting myself. I'm starting to obsess about one particular way and just can't get it out of my head.

My problem is that I'm in the USA and on my own (for 12 more days). I've got nobody to talk to, nothing to distract me, and no way of getting help. I'm trying to stay rationale. I'm making myself leave the hotel and go do the work I need to do, but it's hard to stay in control of these thoughts. I've had moments of feeling very detached, like I'm floating, which I know is a pretty bad sign. I already feel like I don't exist.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I know that I'm not at risk of doing anything right now so there's no way I'm going to say anything. I'm only able to talk to my husband for 10 minutes when I ring to say goodnight to the kids. It's busy and my parents are in ear shot. So I just need to get this out somewhere as it's building up. I feel very isolated, alone, and helpless.

[amazingmumof6]

dontrun hope you are doing ok, I keep thinking of you!

hope you get the help you need. (hug)

[Thurlow]

Hi dontrun, hoping you are still checking in and reading this, but hoping even more than as it is Monday you have managed to get some help.

Your DH says he won't let you do anything. Please believe him. They all love you so much, and if they could know how much you did to get back to them they would be even prouder than they already obviously are of you.

[SnowyMouse]

Take care dontrun

[SugarandSpice126]

Checking in again, I'm still here, as is everyone else. Talk to us whenever you feel ready x

[dontrunwithscissors]

Not much help yet. Still struggling along. Acute response were pretty crap. They used to be good but can see they're under much more pressure. Hospital has been mentioned but there are no beds so would need to go out of area and that place is awful. There are still mixed dormitories in some parts. See psychiatrist at 11.30 today. At last.

[bolshieoldcow]

Hope the appointment today goes well for you and that your psychiatrist is able to provide some real help and backup for you. Do, please, make sure you tell her/him everything that's been happening so they can respond appropriately.

Well done for managing to get this far - you have been amazing and strong. We are all here for you, and wish you well. Take care and stay safe. x

[SugarandSpice126]

How was the psychiatrist? Let us know how it went if you'd like to.

You're doing incredibly well, you really are. Keep going x

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thank you to this board for keeping me going over the last few weeks--it's been so much appreciated.

I saw my pdoc today and he believes that this is all down to me being ridiculously sensitive to changes in sleep patterns (which I agree with.) I have another 4 weeks of zopliclone and continue with the increased Quetiapine--just hoping that my sleep clicks back in to place.

One thing that made a massive amount of sense is that the antidepressant I take, Agomelatine, may have been affected by it all. It's a new type of antidepressant thatbecause it works on melatonin/your body clockonly works if you take it at night. Taking it in the morning means it might as well be a smartie. SO....I was taking at it 11pm, US time, but my brain was still registering it as 5am (UK time). Ergo, it may have been the equivalent of not taking it as all. It's been this medication that has absolutely turned my life around so that all makes a lot of sense. (Shame I didn't know this before I went.)

Anyway, I have a CPN coming to see me tomorrow as I'll be on my own for the first time. Still feeling very odd, tired, and struggling, but there's a tiny chink of light on the horizon.

xxxxx

[bolshieoldcow]

Oh, dont I'm so so so pleased that you've had some answers and some explanation of why your medication wasn't working as well as it had been. And hurrah for tiny chinks of light. I hope that the chinks soon widen into blinding rays of glorious sunshine Hopefully your sleep patterns will settle soon.

Keep on posting here if you feel you can xx

[SodaStreamy]

You sound full of life and a person full of life

please think about getting in touch with the help you have

we are all here for you

[amazingmumof6]

dontrun I'm so glad you figured out what made you worse and so happy that you are feeling more positive!

so so happy for you! it was a clever move posting here, and remember to come back should you ever need to.

You're never alone, someone will ALWAYS hold your hand! lots os love, I'm so proud of you! ???????

[whethergirl]

That all makes perfect sense dontrun, I'm so glad you've managed to get some answers. I'm sure it will be uphill from now on.

I'm so relieved and pleased for you! I know you're still feeling awful but at least we know you will begin to feel better, and that chink of light is proof that it has already started.

[kizzie]

So pleased to read this :-)
Hope you manage to get plenty of rest to help everything slot into place.
Really interesting to read that about the partic AD you are taking.

[bolshieoldcow]

How're you doing today, dont? Hope yesterday went okay for you, and that you're starting to feel a wee bit better. x

[dontrunwithscissors]

Thank you for your good wishes. Went OK with the CPN, although I was shaking like a leaf at first. I'm managing to eat and drink a little bit, which is helping the tiredness. Still not plucked up the courage to leave the house but I guess it's early days. It has definitely helped to have an explanation of why this might have happened, and my pdoc thinks that there will be ways of dealing with this in the future. (As my job requires regular travel to the US.)

[SugarandSpice126]

I'm so glad you seem to be doing a bit better, dontrun. It's good you've had a lightbulb moment with the Agomelatine, that makes so much sense.

Pleased to hear the cpn meeting went well, even if you were shaking! No-one would expect you to be calm straight away, and you're doing so well bit by bit. And it's ok that you haven't left the house yet. As you say, it is early days and you will get there. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

Hold on to that little bit of light - you have so much to live for and I'm so happy you seem to be turning a corner.

[HoneyandRum]

In the future if you go back to the US you can plan before you go and find a psychiatrist in the area you will be traveling to. Talk to her/him before you go and have a plan - maybe they can also arrange to call you on a regular basis or email. If you will be in a university setting you can contact the university mental health services. I would plan on meeting with a mh worker within the first 48 hours of arrival so they can help you monitor your meds. This will all be confidential and will not affect your career.

You can also continue contact with help fom the UK so you have plenty of support and understanding.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Yes I'm certainly going to have a plan with pdoc. Perhaps emergency meds. Contact with MH services over there can't happen for a couple of reasons, not least the issue of cost. My Uni will not let me go if I were to suggest that I need medical attention out there. Plus it will raise problems with getting a visa waiver. That was one reason I held out without help over there. But pdoc was hopeful that it could be managed and just knowing the reasons will help if things go wrong. My DH is also talking about trying to come out with me, although not sure my parents could manage the kids. Anyway, it's not going to be until November at the earliest so I can shelve it for now, I guess.

My lovely sister has take both kids out so me and DH can spend some time together as its our wedding anniversary. So hoping my first venture outside will be for a nice meal somewhere.

[HoneyandRum]

How would anyone know you are accessing confidential medical services? Could you pay cash while you are there? I lived in the US for 12 years and it is relatively easy to access the kind of support you would be looking for.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Work would know because they would be paying for it. (No way I could pay for it myself). I think that saying in advance I need medical care would invalidate the insurance they supply as the condition is that I am in full health when I leave. (If that makes sense.)

I guess it would be hard for immigration to know, but I would effectively by lying when I completed the ESTA as it asks you if you have a mental disorder that could present a hazard to myself/ anyone else. Ultimately, though I don't think this will be a problem again. Having spoken again to pdoc, he is confident that this all came down to a problem with the timing of the medication, and there's no reason to think it will happen again. He's also said he can provide some PRN while out there to make sure my sleep doesn't go to pot. It's a relief to have a fairly straightforward answer.

[kizzie]

So glad that you have a clear way forward for any future trips if needed - and that things are starting to settle down :-)

[whethergirl]

dontrun I am so glad that your pdoc got to the bottom of this and that you'll have a plan for future trips.

How are you feeling in yourself now? Did he say how long it would take for you to feel back to your usual self?

[SugarandSpice126]

Checking in again, let us know how you're getting on if it helps.

Do you know why it didn't occur to them that the different timing of medication would affect you this much? I hope they took your experience and advised other patients accordingly...it could stop someone else going through what you did.

By the way, I hope you had a lovely wedding anniversary! I forgot to say that before. You sound as though you have such a lovely family.

[dontrunwithscissors]

Just venting.....I haven't managed to shake the feeling low/wading through mud since I hit back. Now I'm dropping down again. Open my eyes each morning and think 'crap, I'm still here'. Dtarting to feel suicudal again and all that shit.

And to make it even better, the increased med dose is back to causing the side effect of joint and muscle pain to the point that painkillers are only partly working and I have to crawl up the stairs on my hands and knees.