Feeling suicidal, on my own, and a very, very long way from home

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have bipolar II, which was diagnosed after having my second daughter in 2010. I had a tough time finding the right medication, but finally stabilised last November.

Over the last 2-3 weeks I've been back to struggling. I've been waking up on a morning like someone's sitting on my chest, oh-so tired, and just struggling through every hour. Now I'm slipping down in to feeling suicidal. Everywhere I look, I see ways of hurting myself. I'm starting to obsess about one particular way and just can't get it out of my head.

My problem is that I'm in the USA and on my own (for 12 more days). I've got nobody to talk to, nothing to distract me, and no way of getting help. I'm trying to stay rationale. I'm making myself leave the hotel and go do the work I need to do, but it's hard to stay in control of these thoughts. I've had moments of feeling very detached, like I'm floating, which I know is a pretty bad sign. I already feel like I don't exist.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I know that I'm not at risk of doing anything right now so there's no way I'm going to say anything. I'm only able to talk to my husband for 10 minutes when I ring to say goodnight to the kids. It's busy and my parents are in ear shot. So I just need to get this out somewhere as it's building up. I feel very isolated, alone, and helpless.

You have come SO far. You thought you couldn't last this whole time, but here you are with only 48 hours left until you start your journey home. You really can make it these last two days.

Could you try and sleep for a bit? Have you got enough food? A plan of what you're going to do, as evelynj suggested, is a really good idea. Could you also start packing so you can see in front of you that you're about to leave and it's so close to being over?

I'm going to meet with someone this afternoon, which will be good for me. Just managed to grab 40 minutes. DD2 has got chickenpox

40 minutes sleep

good you had some sleep, that will give you some energy.

make sure you eat something nutritious and keep hydrated.

you are doing really well! we are all here for you.

keep posting!

That's so good you're meeting up with someone, that's a really positive idea. Are they a colleague? And well done for getting sleep where you can. You're really doing all the right things, and you will be on that plane so soon. You've come so far. Remember to eat little and often if you can, if you can't face any big meals.

Keep posting, we're all here for you :)

So happy for you that it's nearly time for you to go home. Been thinking about you every day and looking forward to you being back home where you can get all the support you need. Not long now, well done for managing this situation so well!

Thank you. 64 hours.

Still hearing messages from the TV and struggling like hell. I hope I can get to see someone the day after I get back. I have an appointment on the Monday, but I don't know whether I'll be able to get through the weekend like this. Dreading the journey home. I've got a crap seat and know I won't sleep on the plane (never do.) I've got 2 connections to make, with very little time in between.

Sorry for the double postI'm feeling like I'm in a bubble and totally disconnected. I'm finding it harder to separate myself from the messages and struggling to know what's real and what's not. I don't know how much more I can take before I snap. I'm worried that my psychologist will just tell me to see her as planned and by the time I get back (after a long journey with no sleep), I won't be able to communicate what's happening any more. This has happened beforeonce I get so disconnected, I act like everything's OK and I'm well because I don't actually understand what I'm doing any more. I've lost the ability to make the connection that such actions will kill me. In fact, I lose the ability to understand what being dead means.

Hi dontrun You can do these last 64 hours, you've done so well. Can you ask your DH to make appointments for you for as soon as you get back? Have you emailed your psychologist to see if you can get an appointment asap too? She knows how serious it's been, I really doubt she would tell you to just wait.

The journey home might be hard, but maybe make a list of strategies to help you get through it. For example, buy lots of little snacks + water so you can keep eating/drinking. You could take a little notebook and write down these things to remind you. Keep counting down the hours until you will be at home. Have you got a book you could read? Do you have an ipod/mp3 player you could listen to? Maybe an audiobook?

Try not to focus on what 'could' happen. Of course be prepared for how you might feel, but don't tell yourself that it will definitely happen, as that could be counter-productive. You have done brilliantly so far, you really have.

Struggling with what's real and what's not must be really hard. Could you write down 'facts' that you know to be true and keep looking at them? And try and keep in contact with DH, I'm sure he will ground you.

Keep posting and we will get you through this and home safely.

Thanks sugarandspice. The person I was going to meet up can't make it.

I know. It's just that I've been hanging on to the fact I can get help once home, but worried now that it won't happen. I should find out tomorrow.

you will definitely get help once you are home!

that is a fact!

you absolutely must keep telling yourself that it will be sorted! you are strong and you are capable!

keep focusing on your family! they are real and they love you.

you will get the help you need and you will get better! keep posting, we are all here for you, supporting you!

58 hours. Still awake. My body clock is absolutely screwed.

Only 55 hours now! keep going!

when is your flight?

make sure you start packing on time and get to airport on time.

you are doing great!

Your body clock will start to slowly get itself back to normal once you're home, don't worry. Just try and get sleep whenever you can.

Remember to buy snacks for journey home if you can. Write yourself simple checklist and check it off. Eg get transport to airport, look for flight and time, board flight... It sounds silly as straightforward but might just keep you grounded in what's happening.

Focus on getting home and the practical things - food and drink, sleep, and getting to places you need to be. They are the things that matter, and once home you can sort out everything else. I really think you will be able to go to appointments as soon as you're home too - and you will have your family around you.

You can get through these last few hours before home, I know you can.

dontrun honestly youve been amazing.

Try not to worry too much about getting help once you get home. You will - it will be more straight forward once you are back in UK.

45 hours now! You are doing so well - stay strong and keep focusing on the people you love waiting at home for you to get back to them.

I'm sure you will be able to get the help you need when you get home. If you feel you can't express what has been happening, you can always show your psychologist this thread, or the posts on other forums where you've been talking about your experiences. And as someone else said, you can also write about the thoughts you're having just now. If some TV isn't helping, change the channel, try to find something that is not challenging for you. And as the others are saying, keep eating little and often, try to get out of the hotel room even if it's just to the edge of the car park and back, sleep when you can. Could you choose one thing that you feel you might be able to do to look after yourself and then focus on doing it?

Remember, it's not real. What is real is that you'll be home soon, and getting the help you need, want and deserve.

Thank you. I'm able to be in the library for the next 5 hours or so. Will pack tonight. My psychologist got back to me and said to ring the duty workers when I return (I don't have a CPN). She's going to record this in my notes so they should have an idea without me trying to explain. I might go to my GP, not sure.

23 hours from now, I will start travelling back.

it must have felt really good that she contacted you.
I hope you felt comforted by her.

keep strong my love, you can do this!
only 22 hours to go and you are coming home!

I hope the library is working well for you, it's so good you've managed to get there and are around people.

It sounds as though you will be able to get help when you're home then. And remember you'll be around comfortable and familiar surroundings with your family around you.

So few hours left until you start travelling now! Less than a day. You've come so far.

22 hours! Less than a day, that's brilliant. What time is your flight? Can you go the airport early, do you think that would be a distraction for you?

I was wondering, if you are concerned that you won't be able to put everything in to words when you get home, could you print off this thread or write something down to explain it?

You are doing incredibly. Huge unMNetty hugs.

The flight leaves at 3pm here, 9pm your time. It's a couple of hours to Chicago, then 1.25 hour wait, then 7 hour flight to London, then 2 hour wait, then 2 hour flight to nearest airport to home, then a taxi to the station, then 1.5 hours on the train, then 20 minutes to home in taxi. It's tiring just typing it out.

You'll do fine, love. Just keep thinking of home, your bed, you kids, your dh all waiting for you

Also don't think about it all like that, break it down into manageable portions. One at a time x

Hope you're having a safe journey home dontrun, you'll be with your family soon and getting the help you need. It's amazing what you've been through and to come this far, really quite proud of you, I know how debilitating mental health can be.