Andes up - who needs a rock to lean on? Rock on over here!

[ThatVikRinA22]

in honour of ed and her mountain ranges.....

welcome to thread 3 - this is a support thread for anyone needing a hand to hold while they get through depression or any other mental health problems - long term or temporary. All are welcome.

linky to old thread

[EggwiniasRevenge]

Ignore that. Silvery has said the important stuff so much more succinctly.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Don't ignore the above - Egg you've put what I couldn't.

And feel free to rant, vent, weep, share on this, the thread that you began that has helped so many.

[ThatVikRinA22]

thank you. im ok. just weary.

will be at stables tomorrow (safest place for me - out of way of both DD and DH) so prob wont post until late tomorrow night.

must sleep now as shattered. i feel let down by DH and despised by DD and ive no idea why. could just be her age i guess, but its getting hurtful.

she said sorry tonight. i think she knew id had enough. but tomorrow will be same as ever.

am back at gp on tuesday. not sure whether to mention what happened tonight or not. ive been feeling so much better lately. but not today. i could have given up today.

[HellesBelles396]

sleep well vicar, wake rested.

[mamakoukla]

"I have worried a lot of people tonight."

Read this as people were worried for you because they care for you.

Vicar as others have written, this illness is isolating and plays tricks on us.

Every day, every evening at bedtime I tell DD to always remember that we love her, no matter what happens.

Vicar no matter what happens, you are loved. Always remember this. Remember this most when you feel alone, when you feel that for whatever reason you are undeserving because there is a dark moment.

You met a dark moment this evening but you held strong.

Rest and awake revived.

Hugs to all (Helles, you described my week; minus the county person).

[Lucyellensmum95]

Am so relieved!!!! Vicar So pleased you got through last night - we will be at the stables today too - its my DPs b'day but its just for DD2's riding lesson. at you being in stables all day :)

I have a 22yo DD1, i have been throgh the whole teenage thing (it was horrible, no pretending otherwise!) So i feel your pain re your DD, its not because she doesn't love you, its her age. I don't have time to post more - just wanted to show some empathy really, oh and fear - i have a 7yo DD and im going to have to do the whole teenage thing again - God help me!!

Keep safe Vicar xx

[elfgypsy]

found this thread, wrote on it then lost the message, a therapy in itself, will try again...
I am a single lesbian mother, 40, xp takes dd, 2 yo on w/ends, no local family or real connections.
Have been really struggling for last 2 months with upper respiratory stuff and infected failed root canal and depression,struggling financially, taking 5HTP, self medicating, went to NHS and hated the cbt woman and the waiting lists, going to start seeing an LGBT advocacy woman bi-weekly to just feel like there is a person/time for me to talk to. Finding it really exhausting to find good friends, lots of energy goes out and not a lot comes back, I understand that ppl's lives are full on but my mind can interpret it to mean I am not worth knowing, its a battle to find my self worth.
Wishing the weather would change and the onslaught of viruses would end.
I feel worst on weekends/holidays/birthdays, this year was my 40th and I had planned a joint party for me and dd to try to feel less alone but i got flu and was in bed instead, have felt really low since then, it seems my efforts to connect are so futile and I rarely have energy to burn.
Have a history of travelling to many lands and miss the perspective it gave me, dearly wish I could go surfing to support my sense of connection to my soul but it has not been possible so far since dd came along, been too ill and not got a surf buddy and find the male culture isolating, can just about manage it when i feel strong but have not felt strong for a couple of years now.
Think I have some gender dysphoria issues, feel like I don't fit into the circles I have been around since being a mother, feel my middle genderness strongly in all women spaces, never felt like a normal woman before becoming preg, felt amazing on the hormones for a while and now i feel back to usual middle gender again.
Never wanted to be a single lesbian at 40 living in a rural area but don't want to live in a city which is what a lot of gay ppl do, I loved it for 8 years but want to be where I am, just wish it was more gay positive and there were more lesbians around.
Grateful for mumsnet, its helped me a lot, esp in my 1st few months as a mother,
xx xx

[elfgypsy]

oh dear i just backtracked to see what's been happening so sorry to butt in at such a sensitive point, sounds like you were wrestling some huge demons there vicar I hope you have found some space and nurture today and some answers come soon. I was a horrible teenager, empathy was not possible, I hope you find some resources to help you thru this place
xx xx

[ThatVikRinA22]

Hi elf your very welcome here. I' just had a major blip yesterday. - made more disappointing by thefact I've been feeling so well for weeks.
I haven't gone to stables today. Couldn't muster the energy this morning and just need a day doing nothing. I'm afraid I'm still in bed but getting up In a min. I'm blaming the cat. She is laid on me and I don't want to turf her off the bed...I'm just going to have a level 1 day today - pjs. Will go to stables one day in the week, but am feeling in a bitif turmoil - sick note runs out Tuesday and I've heard nothing from work. I don't feel able to just go back with no meeting first... Will phone tomorrow. Nervous about that tho. Anyway - am on phone so need to read your post properly elf can't read screen on phone, ageing eyes not what they were! Will catch up later.

[Lucyellensmum95]

Hi Elfgypsy - just wanted to say hello really, hope you find this thread useful - i'm new to the thread too but not to mnet. Have had so much support on this forum. I find it really hard to make friends and am actually feeling that quite acutely at the moment, i didn't think it bothered me, but actually it does - all i want is a bloody good night out with people i can be myself with, get pissed (not shitfaced just giggly pissed) and have a bloody good laugh. Motherhood can be quite isolating in that respect i think, as now i find all the women (and some men - prefer male company if i'm honest) are all to bloody sensible and want to talk about their new curtains/kitchen whatever - yawn (and bit of green eyed monster as we are boracic lint just now).

Vicar, if the weather where you are is anywhere near as cold as it is here then you did well to stay in bed. I almost froze to the haystack when i was sat there watching - one day i will get back in the saddle but can't afford to just yet so i get my horse fix via my DD. Hope you are feeling better soon - i know going back to work probably feel really scary and i don't know the backstory but maybe you will be better once you are back in the swing of things? It was a work thing (i think you posted on my threads actually) that tipped me over the edge this time but now im not working and have no work to go back to which i am finding more stressful. Its never bloody simple is it. Enjoy your level 1 day (i am going to have to look these levels up) and snuggle up with the cat - this weather shouldnt be alllowed, if i could work out who to complain to i would!

[elfgypsy]

I think I may be having a level 1 day too, still in pj's and avoiding the housework and the world in general, good to know i am not alone x

[HellesBelles396]

hello all.

I'm ready to share.

realised this week how much everything has slipped over past few months. how little enjoyment anything brings me. how much I've started hiding away again.

was already in quite an upset state on Wednesday when I got to cubs. the deputy county commissioner was there as she is attending pack camp in the easter holidays. she didn't speak to me directly once. she spoke to parents as though I wasn't there and talked extensively to the assistant leader but that was it. she made me feel tiny because I thought the camp had food provided rather than it being catered.

I couldn't carry on and tried to resign but was pursuaded to take a break instead. she then emails me saying she might have to cancel the camp if I'm not going - despite there being three leaders and one young leader for 13 cubs on a catered camp!

so I resigned completely ccing in everyone I could think of and said that I felt the group and i had been let down by the lack of support at county level given that our group is run by completely inexperienced leaders like me.

now feel sick though I'm certain I did the right thing - though possibly in the wrong way.

in other news - got up jut before 1, am at level 1, house a mess, no clean dishes.

so sick of myself right now

[ThatVikRinA22]

oh helles

huge hugs from me. we all seem to be having a dip right now. i will be back later to post proper but i just wanted to give you a virtual hug.

elfgypsy i will read your post proper later too....im not ignoring you - just on phone so hard to read. need to spend some time with dh now, will be back later.

huge hugs to everyone who is struggling. you are not alone. x

[ColouringInQueen]

Big hugs to everyone esp those who're having a tough time at the mo.

vicar you completely did the right thing staying in bed today. Clearly you had an awful time yesterday and need to let yourself recover as much as possible. Plus the fact that its bl*y freezing today. As someone wise said upthread, bottling stuff up can have a big impact - my worst day followed a few days where I wasn't open about how I felt... I really do feel for you. I also think Egg is right about your DH bursting. Having supported a v depressed DH last year I know that's a tough place to be in, but not as dark as being depressed yourself. Maybe after a few days of rest - level 1 I think - you two can make peace. I don't have teenagers myself, but I think Lucy is right - it is an age/hormone thing, not a personal one.

Helles sounds to me like you made the right decision completely. So what if it was done a bit more drastically than it could have been - sometimes that's better cos it gives people more of an idea how tough you've found things recently. I recently had to pull out of some children's work I had been doing at church, and although I felt bad about it at the time, I am enjoying having made the right decision. I hope you feel able to post here about how you're feeling during the week/have someone you can be open with.

Hi Lucy hope you're surviving today. Feel free to "offload your crap" anytime.

Hi Elf that sounds like a difficult position to be in. Really hope your physical health is improving- that sounds horrible on top of the depression which is bad enough. Really glad to hear you've found a counsellor to speak to - a great idea. What's your GP like? I've heard mixed reports of the effectiveness of 5htp - are you finding it's helping? Big dates like 40ths can be tough at the best of times, let alone with the flu and feeling depressed. I hope you find it helpful to post here.

Wise words last night from Egg, Mama, Bugs hope you're all keeping warm today.

[Bugsbasset]

Vicar so relieved you are home and safe . I dont think I realised how hugely distressed you were last night .Ed said exactly my thoughts and SPC sent the compassion and care we all feel for you in one sentence. I do get why you felt so alone and bullied though . Everything seems so acutely felt and we ruminate . Oh yes i know that feeling of being isolated .

Yup tell your doctor what happened . You are not well enough yet to go back to that hell that is todays policing . To not contact you re returning is frankly bloody awful . No wonder you feel as you do.

All illness in a family cause ripples in the lake that send out shock waves. Vicar you have been ill no less than any other physical sort . Family dynamics are changed. But not badly my love .

My son was 15 when I had bad time . A crucial age . They lash out and are so cruel sometimes . Your daughter is finding her way and I know from your writings that she is just being a hormonal lass ......hard to take though . I took to writing letters in the middle of the night to my loved ones .Could say what I felt and no one ignores a letter . You will be ok you know. you will promise . just time and rest ........new work .

sending you a hug .

[Lucyellensmum95]

What do the levels mean?

I have to take on my ex employers this week - they didn't pay me - the fuckers, i just wanted to draw a line under the whole sorry experience but no, now i have to fight for money i am owed - best part of £300 so i can't let it drop.

[SnowyMouse]

Oh vicar. Big hugs

[EggwiniasRevenge]

Big hugs to all.

The levels relate to how well dressed we are. To a certain extent what they actually consist of is personal.

Level 1 - PJs
Level 2 - stuff you would normally slob round the house but probably wouldn't wear out. For me this would be trackie bottoms and a top.
Level 3 - everyday stuff for me this would be jeans and a top.

Bonuses can be added in the form of make up, jewellery, hair straightening. Stuff like that.

It just gives an indication of motivation and mood.

[Lucyellensmum95]

oh flippin eck, im really badly dressed most of the time and this is partly due to low self esteem and lack of money. Make up? whats that? Hair straitening? pah! Oh dear I don't actually own any PJs and sleep naked I don't have slob around the house clothes but im sure most people wouldnt be seen dead in my level three clothes!

[EggwiniasRevenge]

But thats kind of the point. It is in essence personal to you.

So level 1 would be naked.
Level 3 would be what you would wear to thd supermarket
Level 2 is in between...

[ThatVikRinA22]

evening again all.

im feeling better tonight and i do think last nights panic and flight was triggered on some level about going back to work., though the fact i felt isolated in my own home didnt help, nor did the row with DH.

work wise i do not know how to walk back over the threshold. i just dont know how to do it. They are clearly not rushing to help me back.

im back at gp tuesday. i will tell her what happened. im going to ask for another sick note until work get the meeting sorted - but the more i think about it the less i want to go back - i think the knives are out. i passed probation, the nvq3, i never had a negative PDJ entry, but suddenly, my inspector says that he thinks i did have some issues, (in hindsight?? cos no one ever told me about them!!) that to get past probation merely means i achieved the minimum standards, and that the level of work was simply a test to see if i could handle it. He says the station im at is not busy and seems to think if i cant handle that, then i cant handle much. I tried to explain that my issues were not merely around the workload, but about the lack of help and support, and that i had felt and coped better at the busier main station because the group was more supportive, but i suspect that my sgt has been so lax that he is now having to cover his own arse and say that he has suspected problems with me or some such rubbish.....to save his own arse.
of course all that is bollocks. And there is nothing to back that up. All reports written about me were glowing. (and he wrote them)
but knowing its bollocks doesnt help. im supposed to call occy health again on Tuesday.

DH says why dont i just decide now that im not going back.

but its not that simple. We need 2 wages to survive. Ive got to get my head around the upcoming interview in 2 weeks. i am in such turmoil with it all.

Tomorrow a friend is calling for me and taking me out for a mooch shopping. I will call supervisor at work and ask re the meeting. Tuesday im going to go to the stables before i see the doctor.

my feelings last night scared me. I wanted to get in the car and disappear. vanish. Whatever that took. i felt scared, alone, confused, isolated, hopeless.

i needed today to recover. ive not had such strong feelings before.


elfgypsy ive read you post - im so sorry you are also having feelings of isolation. My dsis was a gay woman, she wanted children and would have been such a wonderful mum. She was very fun to be around, and very nurturing. I am sure your feelings of not fitting in are more about the head space you are in. Its hard though, when you do feel you dont fit in - i feel much the same within the culture at work.

Are there no support groups or networks that you could access? I can imagine that being a single parent is hard enough, without also feeling you lose your own identity though i am sure there are many many women who would identify with that feeling - and not just because of your sexuality. I think when children are little you do lose yourself a bit. And as you say, there are less opportunities to meet like minded people in more rural areas, cities do tend to be more cosmopolitan.
Hang on in there. Things will get easier as your DD gets a bit older. I think its quite common to lose confidence in who you are after kids. I bet thats something you have in common with a lot more women you come into contact with than you think, whatever their sexuality. As your DD grows you could explore what opportunities are out there to meet people. I think counselling is a good idea to help you firm up how you feel about your identity. In truth how many people fit one little box or another? not many of us im sure.
welcome to the thread and keep posting. i find it as good as therapy and everyone here is so kind and supportive.

also welcome to fridgepants - im also on sertraline. it made me feel rough too for a while, seem to be over that though my dreams are so vivid...and weird. thankfully not so much now.

Thank you to you all for helping me through my blip yesterday - talking me down. i dont think ive ever felt so desperate. im feeling better today - still anxious but better.

thank you snowy - even with all you are coping with you still found time to support me.

thank you basset and colouring and spc and ed and mama and helles i dont know what id do without you all.

hope nana not being here means she is getting respite from HM....

thanks too ,lucyellensmum -
the levels were a bit of a jokey thing that just stuck - Ed came up with the levels, but its more about how we are feeling measured by what we can be arsed to do....

if we cant get dressed, wash face etc its a level 1 day....(guess what level im still on today? yep. 1 got to go get DD from her boyfriends in a bit but will sneak out in pjs and hope for no crashes!)

level 2 means we are fairing slightly better - maybe slobbing about in clothes we wouldnt go out in....letting it all hang out a bit! for me this means often mismatched clothes, bright pink crocs (DDs old ones!) no bra and hair that would give wurzel gummage a run for his money....

level 3 is when we feel motivated and positive - we might actually dress in something that wouldnt scare the children, we may wash our face, our hair. look generally presentable ish.

bonus points were available for add ons such as hair done, make up on, etc.

ed managed a level 4 the other day....she wore a dress and heels!! ive not managed a level 4 for a while....

x to all

[EggwiniasRevenge]

Hmm...I seem to start a lot of jokey trends...Miss Aryes Rock :o

[HellesBelles396]

I'm pleased - you sound a lot calmer today vicar. often feeling suicidal comes as mental health improves. no energy to do it whilst in the deepest of deep depths!

loving the number of new names joining - apart from the fact it means you all have the grey cloud of doom enveloping your lives.

level 1 all day - actually sub as I did not clean my teeth - yuck! but can't be bothered to do anything about it. I really lose motivation to do anything when ds is at dm's (every other Saturday night) and this last week was horrendous so lying in bed watching old doctor who episodes on iPlayer seemed like a good plan. until I started to hate myself for wasting yet another day.

I have decided to create house levels as I have to get dressed most days:

level 1 - house at bedtime is worse than when I got up.

level 2 - house at bedtime is the same as when I got up.

level 3 - house at bedtime is better than when I got up (not since last tuesday!)

level 4 - house at bedtime is such that it doesn't put me off getting up tomorrow

level 5 - house at bedtime is such that dm would be allowed in...

today would be either a level 1 because there are no clean dishes still or a level 2 because I washed up what I needed rather than getting takeaway and I did some laundry. oh and chucked out some mouldy pears.

haven't heard back from scout bods about my angry email...

don't really want to go to work tomorrow but I'm scared of starting down that path

[EggwiniasRevenge]

I agree. You still sound distressed vicar. But you sound more grounded. More in control. Even if you don't like whats going on you have a degree of control which it felt (as a bystander) was almost completely absent last night.

helles huge hugs too. I know what you mean about not starting down the sick road. In a lot of ways I regret not ploughing on. Because itakes it difficult to start again (and it sounds as though vicar feels exactly the same). But for me. I couldn't carry on. I physically couldn't. I had about 8hrs sleep in 3-4 days and I was not able to drive safely