Andes up - who needs a rock to lean on? Rock on over here!

[ThatVikRinA22]

in honour of ed and her mountain ranges.....

welcome to thread 3 - this is a support thread for anyone needing a hand to hold while they get through depression or any other mental health problems - long term or temporary. All are welcome.

linky to old thread

[NanaNina]

Hmm I wasn't going to mention booze again Vicar but since you have brought it up I guess it's ok. It's difficult to understand why your DH is as you say an "enabler" without knowing either of you, or the dynamics of your relationship. Does he maybe feel that alcohol makes you more relaxed and that make life easier for him .....I don't know. If you think about it you might be able to suss out the reason behind his "enabling" He clearly recognises that this "I really must stop drinking" is said without any resolve really and so disregards it.

Where is DH in the evening - though to be honest Vicar (and since you don't seem to be offended by my frankness) I think that's possibly something of an excuse. How would DH being around be a help to you. Anyway I think it's a really good idea to talk things through with him. Do you reckon you need to give up altogether or could you cut down to something that gives you pleasure but is more moderate than at the present. You say you want him to support you, but I think you need to be specific with him what you want him to do, not buy the wine with the shopping, or what?

I think the interesting phrase in your post is "I don't know what the hole is that drinking fills" - because I think you're right, we do sometimes do things to excess eg drinking, eating, smoking, to sort of "self medicate" our emotional needs. On the other hand you may be like many people who find alcohol relaxing and loosens inhibitions and giving a mild feeling of euphoria. It's difficult for me because I don't drink alcohol - not that I have anything against it - my DP drinks, (and has in the past been on the brink of alcohol abuse) as do all of my friends. I just can't tolerate it, in the sense that 1 glass of wine would give me a terrific hangover - really. A family friend is a scientist and says that alcohol is broken down in the body in 2 stages, and people who are intolerant to it, lack the enzymes that break it down in the 2nd stage. That must be me. It doesn't relax me because I am worrying about how I am going to feel the next day!

This thing about "I will stop drinking when I get a horse, when my DH is home in the evening, when this that or the other happens! You are an intelligent perceptive woman Vicar and you know that you will only stop when you are motivated, regardless of horses or anything else. Right?

It's up to you to find the motivation (or not) and I think you will as you are giving it a lot of thought which is a good sign. You have to cut the crap though and face up to the fact that you are risking your health. People often talk about "IF ONLY this that or the next thing happened I wouldn't drink so much" or "I'll stop WHEN this that or the next thing.
It's called being human really but it doesn't get us anywhere.

Some people have an addictive personality and will be more prone to getting addicted to booze or fags or junk food or whatever. You may be one of those people but you've also demonstrated remarkable resolve in the past to quit smoking, as nicotine is a hugely difficult drug to give up and its addictive component is totally underestimated. I started smoking in the 60s when I was in my teens and stopped when I was pregnant and bringing up my kids, but started again when I started social work, and was on around 40-60 a day (Players No 6!) but did manage to give up many years ago but it was a hard slog.

Hope whatever you decide is right for you and your family. You've come through a nasty depressive illness and tremendous work stresses that are on going, but have also come to realise that your drinking is getting out of hand. I think you've taken the first step.................

[ThatVikRinA22]

nana - i know we have the new thread but wanted to just respond on this one....re the drinking. i need to talk to DH - he doesnt drink at all but he is an "enabler" - i say time and time again "i need to stop drinking" but then he buys me wine on the shopping (taht said - it has to be me that wants to stop - and he knows i think that when i stop things - i just stop - its how i stopped smoking - one day i smoked - the next i didnt)

it would help me if he was around on an evening - i tend to drink more when im alone, i just sip away while on the internet, or watching tv....im going to talk to him, and ask him to keep me on track when i do stop. I know its not his responsibility - but he can support me.

I dont know what the hole is that drinking fills. (Probably the one left by quitting smoking!) i wish i could get addicted to something healthy like running (i need to start running again due to yearly fitness tests).

i keep saying when i get a horse i wont drink as much (probably true - when im at hte stables i dont eat much and when i get home its late so its bath, tea, bed)
i wonder if i can convince DH that a horse would be good for my health - mental and physical! might try that.....

[ColouringInQueen]

LEM. Hope she gets back to you soon. Hang in there, thinking of you.

Better day for me today. Went for a 3 mile walk after school run, came home, made some lists, had lunch and lie down (no sleep tho) and cleaner has just come. Never had a cleaner before. She has come to spring clean downstairs today tho do feel bit embarrassed to be at home while someone else cleans!

School run again... hello everyone hope you're OK x.

[LEMisdisappointed]

Glad you are ok Ed i hope you don't get RSI from all that crochet :)

Effing awful morning today - i texted the woman from the MHT but she hasn't got back to me.

[NanaNina]

Hello one and all.

SO relieved that you didn't take offence at my comments about booze Vicar - I won't mention it again.

Not a good morning for me - feel flat and have no motivation (such a familiar bloody feeling) but not nearly as bad as I have done on some days in the past. Trouble is with this sodding illness, just as we start to believe we are recovering and get on with our lives, it creeps back up on us when we're not looking. CiQ I liked your metaphor about your head feeling like a cart that was travelling along the road signposed "Happiness" - and then comes a dip. I think it was you that said something like that!

It's interesting that you feel that the dep/anx is something outside of you (as in your head in the cart which I assume was self propelling!) I always used to think the depression (as that's my main problem) was somethin outside of me, because it felt so alien. A lovely counsellor I saw on the NHS used to gently suggest that the emotions of the depression were part of me and not something outside of me. Eventually I invented the Headmonster, as he is something inside my head. I have heard posters on here in the past talking about a black dog that sometimes lies snoozing peacefully in the kennel, sometimes yapping at their feet and sometimes biting them. That metaphor resonated with me.

Does anyone else feel that when they are O.K they cannot remember or have any perception of what it feels like to be crap and vice versa. That is very much the case with me. I know CiQ and Lem are "fellow fluctuators" oh god that sounds so clumsy but you know what I mean.

Bassett I reckon you've got your book out again with our names in (oh gawd my memory is crap so hope I have that right) either that or you have a very good memory, cus you always say something to everyone which is sooo nice. I am going to copy the names down from your last post, but then there's the problem of remembering what everyone said. So glad I came back on here. Thanks for asking how I am - in spite of the fact that I am having a crap morning I have been so much better since the addition of mirtazapine to my original prescription of imipramine. At least I am not crying with helplessness and hiding under the duvet (mind didn't get up till 12.00) and I am hoping things will improve as the day goes by. I know you said morning were bad for you too. You say so little about yourself B though I know you have some bad times - are you very stoic? Wish I was! Glad to hear that there is better news about your DH.

Snowymouse HELLO! I know you have a meeting with the psychiatrist today and don't know what time, but hope it goes well and they feel that you are safe and well enough to be taken off the section. You mentioned something about the weekend - do these long weekends drag for you. I'm not sure what RL support you have Snowy - I'll certainly be around all weekend - no plans here, other than a bit of weeding IF the spirit moves me, which is unlikely. I don't really like gardening - it always seems like housework outdoors to me.
Snowy can I ask you, did you used to post under another name. It's just that you sound so like someone else who was struggling with a psychotic illness and there was a very long thread. Let us know how the meeting went anyway.

Ed you always make me smile with your lists of things that you do. I reckon you cram an awful lot into your day, even if you do need "pick me up" naps. You always manage to sound reasonably up-beat.

Hmmm - new thread title. How about Psst struggling with mental illness - come over here! Not very original I know, maybe someone will come up with something better. OR "3rd edition of the Mental Health Club - free membership" I think it's the 3rd thread isn't it but I went AWOL for a while so might be wrong on that.

Sorry for long rambling post. Love to all.

[ThatVikRinA22]

ok, got around to thinking of a new one..


here we go, thread 4!

[ColouringInQueen]

vicar your titles have been great. How are you getting on? Random thought - ray of sunshine/hand to hold type thing tho sounds rather cheesy

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Im still here.

Struggling to keep up with everyone. So feel a bit detatched from the conversation if that makes sense.

Been crocheting like mad. But not finished dtds birthday presents for tomorrow :(

Got to wrap the rest of their presents.

Think I have my last therapist session tomorrow...and I haven't been doing my diary...again...

Whilst on the subject...this is the anxiety scoring which my therapist uses with me.

www.patient.co.uk/doctor/Generalised-Anxiety-Disorder-Assessment-(GAD-7).htm.

I typically score about 10-15 on it.

Hugs to all.

Thinking of all

[ColouringInQueen]

Hmm 24 here too LEM what ADs are you on? Have they helped with the anxiety? What do you find helps for you?

Basset sorry to hear yours is always high x.

vicar something with sun/light in the title? I can well imagine mucking stables is more appealing that policing and great to hear you got some riding in.

[ColouringInQueen]

Thanks snowy good luck tomorrow. Thanks Basset I seemed to score enough to warrant attention. Yep you're probably right about seeing GP earlier. I am seriously daunted by the prospect of switching tho . Will ring GP and try and get an appt for next week I think. Fun and games x

[LEMisdisappointed]

It doesn't come as a surprise really basset, i feel ok today - but yes, am thinking of talking to my doctor before this pack of meds is up. x

[bassetfeet]

Mmm trouble with googling and pasting . Best to see doctor eh?
mine is always through the roof .x

[ThatVikRinA22]

hi all
nana thank you - you are only saying what the little voice in my head is saying....i know i use alcohol as a crutch. its a habit now. i know i need to stop - im sure my hernia will thank me too.

i wish i was in a happier place. Ive been to the stables today, first time in a month and it was lovely - not long been home. Not had any wine today, and just had dinner. I did manage to ride which was good.
DS has now asked to come home next week instead of this week - he sounds ok ish. im monitoring him. Really not looking forward to going back to work at the weekend. I really wish i enjoyed it more, if im honest, i would rather be mucking out stables for nothing, but that doesnt pay the mortgage. Thinking about buying my own horse later this year. (means i will need lots of ££££!)

we need a new thread guys. What do you think for a title?

[LEMisdisappointed]

Blimey basset i just did that test - i scored 24 That is really worrying - unless i scored it wrong :(

[SnowyMouse]

ciq, I hope things get more sorted for you. I have a psych appt that I'm not looking forward to tomorrow.

Night all. Hugs.

[bassetfeet]

www.sabp.nhs.uk/Documents/D1.3d2.pdf

This is the score that we used [but it well may have changed ]. Will give you an idea .

See your doctor sooner ......you should not feel like this for so long .

[ColouringInQueen]

Thanks Basset I have an appt in three weeks with GP, might bring it forward a week and give myself these last 10 days to review and make a decision. DS birthday end of May too. Is there an anxiety scale like the depression one so I can try and assess myself? I'm not actually shaking or having panic attacks, but clearly not right! Hope you got some sun today x

[bassetfeet]

ciq So sorry to read you have been struggling so much .Truly think you need a different med more suited to anxiety/depression combo.
Cross tapering with a good doctor support is manageable I have been told
I realise you want to wait until your daughters communion . Maybe consider switching sooner ? take care x

[ColouringInQueen]

Hi everyone.
Bassett thanks I did get out for a walk and a little lunch with dad yesterday which was nice. Commiserations re: lost post. I have taken to copying the text in mine before I hit the post button...

Really interesting about the cortisol too. I am def worse in the morning.

LEM that food bank volunteering sounds like a great idea - not too big a commitment, but doing something constructive. Good for you. Liked the seagull too

Nana your comments about fluctuations really resonate with me today. And its good to read your very real advice.

I wasn't great yesterday afternoon (ended up having to escape to bedroom in pm and leave dad with the DCs). Decided last night not to go to college today as I couldn't face doing a self portrait all day. It was a good decision, I've really struggled today, feel like I've gone backwards. So exhausted, feel like lead. Slept til 10. Very anxious this morning. DH had to literally help me get into the garden as I had been hoping to do a bit of gardening in the sun. No appetite, real stomach ache. Spent an hour in garden pottering, had a sarnie, then had to go back to bed slept 2-3.30. Felt a bit better by 4, and got a chunk of weeding done and cooked dinner. But I feel soooo spaced today, head feels really weird, struggling to feel like I'm getting anywhere this week. Was end of last week a blip cos I spent mon and tue on the sofa? sorry I think I'm repeating myself.

catmint sorry to hear about your dip. Apol I can't remember your back story - are you on ADs - how long have you been suffering?

snowy how's your day been?

Hope people got on OK today, vicar, SPC, Ed, Helles and anyone I've missed out. Take care.

[SnowyMouse]

Hope everyone's doing ok...

[LEMisdisappointed]

Hi everyone - a better day for me today, get this, because i htink i have a tummy bug so i felt justified in taking to my bed with my book :) Nina - im on citalopram 20mg been on them a few months, i was on them before for about two years, i think i should have stayed on them really. Yesterday morning was grim - but there was improvement as the day went on and i even managed a good tidyup. Today i have allowed myself a day off but had a reason because i have a poorly tum!

Basset - excellent point about the cortisol - i should know this, but its like a coin slotting into place - thats why i wake up anxious - I wonder how to counter that? Glad you liked the seagull story, it was very funny to watch. I love seagulls

Yes Edwina where are you love?? I hope you are OK and that you are not here because you are out enjoying the sun?

DP home with fish and chips now, will post more later - hugs to all.

[bassetfeet]

Have just lost huge post and am spitting . So ...........

Hi to Nana. Know that feeling of pressing the send button . But we care and share experiences and wisdom and real concern here . Not just platitudes . Love your input and way you write . How are you doing ?

Lem your story of the seagull was so nice to read . I love birds and watching them . Your help with the food aid is so useful ....I am in the middle of badgering by e-mail a large supermarket to put out trolleys for food bank donations . Mails going back and forth at the moment .
You sounded so down yesterday . Mornings are the pits . Think it is to do with the stress hormone Cortisol being at its peak first thing . Horrid .x

Vicar thinking of you and your son . Thinking of you re work . Wish I had a way to make life easier for you . Tread water for now lovely and take each day as it comes if you can .
Went to Pets at Home today ......so many lovely rats snoozing in their high rise beds . DH says I must wait until my birthday in the summer . He isnt keen [but I WILL sort that ].

CIQ did you get your walk in the sun with your dad and have pub lunch? hope you are feeling better and less tired . The fatigue is for me the worst symptom . Please dont feel like you are letting your family down ......xx

ED Where are you ? You are so valuable on this thread with your honesty and humour . WORRIED .

Snowy weekend here will be as usual . I hope your support is not too far away over the Bank Holiday . These long weekends can be difficult .

SPC I bought some clothes online today with that one click thing. Work of the devil I tell ya . Hippy chick crumbly style .

Catmint this illness seems to be 2 steps forward and 1 back . Pleased to read that you feel better now x

helles are you ok ?

Good news again today re Dhs blood tumour tests . Treatment is working for now thank goodness . Always a worry that they are going to rise as they will one day but for now that is fabulous news .

[NanaNina]

Hello to everyone! Oh Vicar as others have said going back to work (especially shift work) after so long off sick is going to take it out of you. I used to feel washed out and unable to concentrate at work after 2 weeks annual leave, or even 1 week, and you have been off for several weeks/months even? Are you doing reduced hours, sorry I've lost track a bit.

I so agree with SPC about vulnerable people not realising they are vulnerable which makes the world a very unsafe place at times. I know we are all vulnerable to a greater or lesser degree, but thinking of people with special needs really. I think the fact that you are no longer cinically depressed means that you are able to be more objective, and not feel so overwhelmed by your son's problems. I think it's this rather than being "wierdly detached" I remember some of your earlier posts when the depression had really taken hold when you were understandably overwhelmed with your son's difficulties.

You don't need me to tell you that you need to monitor yourself about feeling over-tired, stressed at work as this could lead to a relapse, and at least you will recognise the signs this time, though sometimes relapses can manifest themselves in a different way from the first episode - just another little trick dep/anx likes to play on us. Pity it's so difficult to get jobs these days. Don't know where you are but I'm in the West Mids which has the highest unemployment figures in the country especially for 18 - 25 years.

Booze - I think when you have lost count of how much you have drunk it's time to face up to the fact that you are abusing, rather than using alcohol to relieve stress whatever. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh Vicar but I think it needs saying. I used to work for Aquarius for problem drinking (different approach from AA) and they are still and are the front runners in helping people with this problem in my opinion, but you have to be motivated, which goes without saying doesn't it. I think it's when we doing anything to excess, be it drinking, eating, smoking, excersising (even) that it becomes a problem.

Lem can I just ask if you are on ADs and how long as I don't know your back story. I felt soooo much for you yesterday thinking of you crying in Costa Coffee. Mornings are always worse for me, and it seems like that's the case for you too, but sometimes we can feel so much better as the day wears on, and I am almost always much better by evening. I think it's these fluctuations that make the bloody illness so much harder to bear though really, because this doesn't happen with physical illness. Catmint sounds like you suffer from these fluctuation also. It's so hard for people to understand when we are fine one day and the next we are hiding from the world (or trying to) for those of you with small children.

Oh wondering if I dare press "send" or whether you will be angry at my post! Oh well hope not, so hear goes.

[SnowyMouse]

Glad you're taking care of you, catmint

Good night all.

[Catmint]

Hi there, just popped in to say hello and that I am sending you all my very best wishes.

I had a bit if a scary dip a few days ago, spent most of day resting and in silence( should have been in work) which bought me enough head space to carry on. Feel ok again now.

Lots of love xxx