Anyone around - being admitted tomorrow.

[fluffydressinggown]

Sorry again for more depressing stuff from me.

My self harm has continued to get worse and I overdosed (as self harm) on Tuesday and I have attended A&E twice this week for cuts which needed internal stitches. I feel compelled to hurt myself as much as I can and unable to stop myself and I know that if I carry on I will cause myself a serious injury or kill myself.

And so tomorrow I am going into hospital, for a short assessment (3 days we think). I am really really worried and scared but I know it is the right decision. I am going in voluntarily so I can leave if I want to. I am utterly utterly exhausted, I am so tired of feeling like hurting myself, I am so tired of feeling compelled to hurt myself. To the point where as I am doing it I don't want to. I am so tired of going to A&E and shocking the nurses with what I have done to myself. I am so very tired of everything.

They think I might have OCD, where the obsession is the damage I can cause to myself and the compulsion is the self harm. I am not triggered by a specific event or feeling, it is just constant intrusive and upsetting thoughts about harming myself in increasingly horrid ways that I feel compelled to act upon.

I am so scared. I wish this wasn't me :(

Hi, I'm around. Might not be much use as I haven't personally felt like this but my mum did.

It's great that you are going voluntarily as it shows you want help.

Thank you for your reply, I don't know what I wanted from posting this, just feel really alone and scared.

Did it help your Mum?

My mum was in a few month after overdosing with pills and drink. I was 15 at the time so can't really remember much but she has never had to go back which is a great thing.

I think been alone and scared is a trigger on his own.

It's own*

My husband is upstairs but I suppose I feel alone in terms of this. I don't know anyone else who self harms like me and who feels like this. I am just so tired of everything :(

Just see tomorrow as a fresh start. It's the first day of you beating this and by going voluntarily you are showing you want to stop this.

I don't fully understand what you are feeling but I have seen people in a similar situation.

well done for taking control of this. shows you are strong. really hope it helps you x

I need to go to bed but I have just scared myself silly by searching on here about units and everyone says they are really grim and horrible :(

I am so worried, what if I have made the wrong choice to agree to go? I know logically that if I am at home tomorrow I will cut myself again and take an overdose later in the week and then cut again and that is not sustainable and I am exhausted by the constant ideas in my head. But what if I am making it all up? Or what if I am just being dramatic? I am not psychotic :( I am so worried.

They don't normally admit people for self harm I don't think. I am just worried I am making it all up. I can't find any info about people who self harm for the reasons I do; obsessed/compelled to and it is about control - the crisis nurse I see liked my self harm to anorexia in terms of the process. I don't get an emotional release or calmed down by it, I just crave the damage I can do to myself and the more the better.

Fluffy for now the reasons why you do it and why other people do it are really not that important. What is important for now is finding a wqay to stop it, possibly with medication.

No two people are the same. I'm sure there are more people who do what you do for similar reasons. Not everything is on the internet.

Hope it all goes well.

What do you think you might be making up? You feel the way that you feel.

Good luck, I hope it goes well for you. I'm not a person to ask as I hate hospitals, but most other people seem to find it ok (I'm in now).

I really don't like this :( I dont think I can do this

You can do it - give it a few days. I mean what options do you have. As you admitted yourself you will just do more damage.

I am sat alpne in my room I can do that at home. I will just hurt myself here in different ways. I dont want to talk to anyone I dont want to do anything I just want to die. I dont think they understand I cant eat or drink with other pepple. I cant ask.for things. I cant even face going to the loo. I dont want to be here. I want to go home and cut my leg properly like I meed to. Wjat is the point in being here if I don't want to engage with them

Shocking typing sorry xx

Sounds like you are in the right place - make sure you tell them all this.

You have an illness, and you are in hospital for the treatment of that illness. People go into hospital every day, for all sorts of reasons. This is no different. None of this is your fault.

They are observing you so you need to tell them how you're feeling so they can understand what's going on and find you an appropriate treatment. You're in an unfamiliar place so it's going to feel strange for a while, but this is absolutely the best place for you to be. This is the beginning of you beating your illness, which you CAN do - with the appropriate support which might include medication.

All the best - keep posting here if it helps :)

They are not observing me. I am sat with the door closed with my back to it. I know what I have to do to myself and being here won't stop me.

All you know is what your illness is telling you to do, not what you need to do. You seem to think it is your rational mind telling you to cut yourself. Please accept you are ill.

I am ill but as far as I can tell.nobody here is.bothered or will stop.me so I will do what I need to no matter how much I don't want to because I know out is the right thing to do. I can sit alone at home and feel like this so I don't understand why I am here because so far it has been pointless and distressing and now a far as I can tel they have forgotten I am here certainly nobody has asked me how i am or if I want to hurt myself

Let them observe you the way they want to do it. They are the professionals. They know that asking you how you are will not give them the information they need. They are probably just giving you a little bit of time to settle.

Well I have tipped hot water down myself like I planned and this its just pointless because i thought being here would make me feel safer but I still feel crap and like I want to.hurt myself and they wont stop me so I may as well.be at home. It is.noisy and there are loads of men here and I just feel wrong.

They know about the water because it burned me. Just said I wasnt allowed hot drinks. I have a meting tomorrow about me. Not sure what to think really I don't think I have been assesed every 15 minutes someone looks into my room but other than that nobody talks to me. I havent eaten yet. Still full of thoughts of what to do to myself but will do them next weekwhen I am at home. Everyone else here has a drug our drink problem. I still cant think properly and I still feel very distressed and sad at what I have to do when I get home. I am washing and being indeoendent so I am.unsure what they have seen to assess me with because I am not crying or anything. Just carryong on as usual. They said in the community that a psychotherapist would assess me on here for ocd but nothing has happened.