I shouldn't be posting

[mosp]

and I don't know why I am. I don't have a clue who I am or how I am. I feel just awful, but can't describe it. I am not a real person.

And thank you all for being there and trying for me. I feel really guilty putting you all out.

Good morning mosp. Did your DCs enjoy spending time with their cousins?

Mosp you're not putting me out at all. I love to chat on Mn
Do you have anything planned for your girls today?
Can you take it easy?

Sorry i couldn't post again on your thread last night.
Here's a link with some info on depersonalisation: www.anxietycare.org.uk/docs/unreal.asp
The site might be useful to you, it sounds as though you experience quite severe anxiety?

mosp I have had some pretty shitty times and i get that feeling of "being a fake" if im upset or distressed,i also get disassociation when im pre menstrual.Its all part of having an anxiety disorder.I have found over the years that ive had more benefits from self help that anything else. I know i need to sleep well,eat well and excercise helps although im finding that impossible at the moment.
I hope you get some joy from the mental health tema today.

mosp, hi.

I know exactly how you feel. Like everythings' not real, like you're not really here and nothings quite real. I had the same quite few years ago. I had depression, but it was due to total and utter exhaustion (ridiculous job, worked 6am-10pm every.single.day.; horrible partner; house move; family death; lots of stress)
I actually ended up in hospital having brain scans etc but there was nothing physically wrong, however the doctors said afterwards my brain took a 'holiday' as i was so tired.

What could I have done differently? I wish I'd signed off sick, I wish I'd allowed myself a rest and a break. Yes, I know it's difficult but somehow you have to. I lost 3 months of my life - I have no memory of that time at all - and I would not wish this on you.

Can you find a way to rest at all? Diazepam is good, are you taking it regularly and not forgetting? Are you remembering to eat, wash etc? - I know it seems pointless as it's not real, but hey, don't take the risk.

You will get better, it takes a little time, a rest and some regular food and medication. If you really really can't cope, can you go to A&E and explain your symptoms?

Tiredness is a trigger for me I know. Then I get a feeling it's alll too much and I feel like I'm doing everything for everyone.
Just a day to myself helps enormously.
Can you do something nice for yourself mosp?

I called her. She said write stuff down so that she and consultant psych can try to work out what is going on. Maybe diagnosis needs rediscussing with consultant. Try not to overanalyse (ha ha). Other than that, I have no memory of what was said.

Now I'm going to ice the cakes and then take the girls into city centre (there's a ride there that looks exciting).
Giving piano lesson later.
Pretend to be real...here I come.

Can somone have the girls for a couple of days for you? You must try and rest somehow.
It will get better honestly; - and it IS real.

I just had a break from them. They were away from Tuesday after school until this morning. Tbh, they are not hard work right now. They're lovely, caring and helpful. We (well, prob my perception) have bad and good phases, and it's good right now.
When I am alone, I ruminate. I get tipsy/drunk. I doubt. I kind of get drawn to that in an unhealthy, self-destroying kind of way.

Hope your day was ok mosp. How did the cakes turn out?

Cakes are fine. I iced one and dd2 iced the other.
The ride in town was terrifying. I have never been so pleased for my feet to touch solid ground.
Need to go to sleep now.

Hi mosp, well done for contacting the MHN, it's good if they're looking at things anew, so maybe that's progress of sorts eh?

If you can't bring yourself to write things down how about copying this thread & showing them the way your thoughts go when you're feeling bad?

You can ask for help as many times as you need to, there is no time limit. Addressing your past may be painful & sometihng to do gently with the back up of your MH team.

Are you on your own with the DD's this Christmas? How old are they? Lovely to hear about the cake baking, they love doing stuff like that don't they?

Hi mosp, I don't have any words of wisdom but I'm still here first thing I did was check into your post this morning see how things were.

mosp-how are you doing today?

I hope you feel up to the Christmas fesitivities with your children. xx

I'm trying to just not let myself think. Thank you for asking after me. I have no idea how I am. Just answering that question makes me go mental in the head. Ow, ow.

Ok ,don't even think about the question

Are the children all excited about tomorrow?

How was Xmas mosp?
Hope you had a lovely time

Thank you for asking. Home now. Christmas was lovely for the children, which is all I wish for. I slept loads on the sofa. Today we went for a long muddy walk; the mud came right up past our ankles...

Hope you had a good time too.