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Original poster

I shouldn't be posting

220 replies

mosp · 21/12/2011 22:06

and I don't know why I am. I don't have a clue who I am or how I am. I feel just awful, but can't describe it. I am not a real person.

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Sillyoldelf · 22/12/2011 00:53

mosp I am a nurse in Nottm . I really think you should try and sleep - it is not the right time to be ruminating . If you haven't taken your night time meds take them now and then get yourself in bed . Ring your cpn in the morning . If you think you can't keep yourself safe tonight then get a taxi to a and e but staying online is not a good idea . Your metabolic rate is at it's lowest making things seem blacker than perhaps they are . If you have an iPod or music then try and listen to that to distract yourself . Distraction is best at this time of night - it really isn't the right time to be exploring issues .

Bossybritches22 · 22/12/2011 00:56

well said SOE

mosp, get some rest, even if you can't sleep. Music is a good relaxant.

Original poster
mosp · 22/12/2011 00:56

ha, I took that 'first step' in August 2010. Where am I now? In the same place as I was then. Nothing changes. Noone can help.
I could try to sleep. Then tomorrow is another imaginary day.

elf - are you a mental health nurse?

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Original poster
mosp · 22/12/2011 00:57

are you leaving me? I don't blame you.

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Bossybritches22 · 22/12/2011 00:58

Try & sleep & promise me you'll get in touch with your CPN tomorow?

MollyintheMoon · 22/12/2011 00:59

What music do you like mosp?

Original poster
mosp · 22/12/2011 00:59

but what can she do? when I saw her on monday, she asked if I wanted to end the meeting. I did. I bet she's pissed off.

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AugustMoon · 22/12/2011 01:00

Hope you get some nice sleep and things seem a bit clearer in the morning. Come and let us know how you are if you're up to it. Night mosp

Bossybritches22 · 22/12/2011 01:00

only because I have work tomorrow, (today!) sorry mosp but I'll check in again.

Elf is right nightime makes everytihng seem worse.

Try & sleep a little.

Original poster
mosp · 22/12/2011 01:00

piano music

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AugustMoon · 22/12/2011 01:02

She won't be pissed off. I will stay if you want. I just thought sillyoldelf seemed like she knew what she was talking about and it's true, things can seem so much worse in the middle of the night. I'm staying logged on though. X

MollyintheMoon · 22/12/2011 01:03

Put your earphones in and listen to Debussy or Einaudi. They will help you sleep. I promise!

Bossybritches22 · 22/12/2011 01:03

I don't know what she can do sweetie, but if you can't express your feelings to her,show her this thread, it might help. I do think you need to see her though.

Get some nice music on.

Talk tomorrow, night.

Original poster
mosp · 22/12/2011 01:05

thank you. i will stop demanding your attention now. i'm wasting your time anyway. i just need to stay alone forever. i will call her tomorrow, but i bet it only makes me more confused.

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scottishmummy · 22/12/2011 01:07

CPN. will talk about triggers,coping strategies, practical day to day structure and activities,how's it going
recommend rest, not staying up ruminating on line, good nutrition and take your meds

and seeing everyone's off to bed, you make call to duty team

AugustMoon · 22/12/2011 01:07

pianodoc

AugustMoon · 22/12/2011 01:11

Mollyinthemoon I was going to say Clare de Lune or Einaudi! Then I remembered the guy on the link...

3inABIRDsnest · 22/12/2011 01:13

As you are a Christian, mosp, I will pray that you feel better, that you sleep well, and that you feel God's love helping you through this. Good night.

Original poster
mosp · 22/12/2011 01:16

scottishmummy, that is exactly what she tries to do. but I don't know what the triggers are. I don't want to talk about it. My bad feelings are not textbook so she doesn't get them and nothing helps to deal with them. I kind of don't want to 'manage' them. I deserve them.

I don't think it is working. I'm wasting her time.

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Original poster
mosp · 22/12/2011 01:16

thank you birdsnest

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Bossybritches22 · 22/12/2011 08:06

Good morning mosp,I hope you got some sleep last night.

Please ring your CPN & try & explain these feelings,you are not wasting her time,that is her job she is there to help.

No-one deserves to feel this unhappy, God would not want you to suffer.

I'm not so hot on my bible but did he not say something like " come to me all you who are burdened and heavyhearted & I will give you rest" ?
Do you have a church/prayer group for support?

I have to go to work now, take it easy today, maybe try & get out for a walk to blow the cobwebs away if you can.

HollyTwat · 22/12/2011 08:50

Mosp I saw your thread last night but didn't feel I could post as I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. I do hope you got to sleep and feel better this morning.
How are you today my sweet?

AugustMoon · 22/12/2011 08:55

Morning mosp. I hope some rest has helped a little.

AugustMoon · 22/12/2011 08:59

Oh and of course you don't deserve these bad feelings. You really don't.

Original poster
mosp · 22/12/2011 10:41

Awake now. My girls just arrived home so I have to try to plug in the autopilot.

Still can't decipher what my brain is doing. It's going all over the place. Spiralling out of control. I think 'I'm anxious'. Then I can't work out what I'm anxious about. Then I wonder if I actually am, or if I'm just telling myself that.

Don't feel any different to last night.

I know MHN will just tell me to try to write it down. I have done that before, but now I doubt the truth of everything I wrote. I will call anyway, but it will make me worse.

So, it all brings me to conclude that I'm not real. Fake through and through.

This is my last attempt to ask for help. I think the best thing for me is to just float along and not address my past. I'll just stay at home as much as possible, and take my diazepam wherever I go.

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