Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

I'm done with life

217 replies

Rhksmum · 27/10/2011 18:14

That's it really

It's too hard, too many feelings, too many thoughts, scarey thoughts.
Struggling to cope with even just breathing, everything else has just gone out the window.

Am such a crap mum, have no sympathy left for my daughter who had an operation 2 weeks ago and is still recovering. she has been unwell for so long I cant deal with it anymore.
I've managed 6 hours sleep in the past week, think I'm on borrowed time.

Cpn cancelled on Tuesday, no appointment with her for another week and a bit, Psychologist cancelled this morning, although I did get 10 minutes with her, she wanted me to see the duty worker or the crisis team but I couldn't face seeing them, just sat and cried then came home and cut myself to bits.

Finally admitted defeat and phoned the Dr so am seeing her tomorrow, but she doesn't know me, normally I take my daughter to see her as she is really good with her, now shes having a flakey because thats her Dr and I'm not allowed to see her.

Feel so sick, head is starting to pound, am sore all over, too many flashbacks, cant keep myself grounded, tears just wont stop.

I'm sorry
:(

OP posts:
Mabelface · 27/10/2011 18:19

Just hang on till tomorrow if you can. If not, then try and force yourself to contact the crisis team. Take care of yourself. xxx

wahwahwah · 27/10/2011 18:22

OK so you are seeing the doctor tomorrow. Don't hold back, think about what you are going to say and write it down so you won't forget. I don't know the background but is sounds like you have suffered some trauma and are working though this. From here it sounds like PTSD.

Can anyone be with you tonight, or is here someone you can call - even the Samaritans?

I am worried about you! Please try to be positive, try to think of good times and what you have achieved. You have a daughter who needs her mummy. You are not a crap mummy - don't think like that. It sounds like you have been through the mill and are just exhausted and worn out. Have you any support?

Keep talking to us lot on here - you know that there are loads of us out here who understand.

Don't feel tempted to open a bottle of wine either - that can wait until you feel better.

MotherPanda · 27/10/2011 18:23

We are listening, hold out the night. I used to live for my appointments with 'Mr Paul' my psych - and I know how earth shattering it is when they cancel.

Try to sleep, or at least rest. Hopefully It will seem better in the morning. xx

wahwahwah · 27/10/2011 18:25

I always feel better after a sleep. Unfortunately I can't stay asleep when I am stressed. Best to keep occupied. My mum used to do the ironing.

wahwahwah · 27/10/2011 18:50

Just checking in before the 'evening rush'

madmouse · 27/10/2011 19:44

RHKS I cannot bloody believe that K cancelled on you as well :( :( :(

How the heck are you meant to cope.

Please hun call the crisis team - you never know they may have someone nice on duty.

I'm on fb, you're not on your own xxxx

Original poster
Rhksmum · 27/10/2011 20:00

I dont cope, not anymore, not even sure you could call what I'm doing as surviving anymore.

Can't call the crisis team, last time I spoke to them they told me I was to stop telling everyone I felt bad.

I really dont deserve any better, it's all so pointless, I'm done with it all

OP posts:
elportodelgato · 27/10/2011 20:04

Rhks STAY ON MN we will get you through the night. Your daughter needs you, and you can make it, keep posting and stay strong

elportodelgato · 27/10/2011 20:05

Could you call the Samaritans to have someone to talk to?

MangoMonster · 27/10/2011 20:06

You're posting though, so you are still trying. Please call someone, they will help hopefully and keep going untill you find someone to help. It does not have to be like this. Going to the doctor tomorrow is a great idea. Donyou have anyone who can help with your dc?

Please know it can be better even if it seems hopeless tonight. Hang on x

OhYouBadBadGhostie · 27/10/2011 20:07

Don't forget that you can also email the samaritans

RosemaryandThyme · 27/10/2011 20:10

How are you ? Do you have family that could pop over ? Could you snuggle your daughter in bed with you tonight, might be nice for both of you.

ballstoit · 27/10/2011 20:14

Am not an expert on you or your life but I know that you do deserve better and it's not all pointless.

There are a group of us on the internet who want to listen and offer you cyber hugs and good wishes. Please let us x

elportodelgato · 27/10/2011 20:22

Rhks please please post and let us know you're ok

Rogers1 · 27/10/2011 20:29

Rhksmum....I am so sorry you are feeling so low. Please keep posting...we are all here for you. These ladies are right...crisis team...Samaritans...anyone in RL you can talk to? Try & gather your thoughts for your appointment tomorrow.

elportodelgato · 27/10/2011 21:40

Rhks I really really hope you're ok, can we do anything?

Original poster
Rhksmum · 27/10/2011 22:17

Sorry had to get my son from his school halloween party, now they are all in bed and I'm left with my thoughts...

Feel so stupid going to the Drs tomorrow, I'm wasting her time.
What can she do?
I'm unhelpable

I tried to speak to my friend tonight, she knew I was struggling, said she had noticed it over the past few days that things were getting worse but I couldnt tell her how bad it really was, just told her I wasn't sleeping great.
I dont want to worry her she has enough going on.

OP posts:
elportodelgato · 27/10/2011 22:20

You are NOT wasting the drs time at all - you must go tomorrow and be as honest and open as you can, can you print off this thread if you find it hard to speak? Or write it all down for her now and just get it out of your head? She can definitely help you.

And what might help you sleep tonight? Can we do anything?

Original poster
Rhksmum · 27/10/2011 22:41

I dont think there is anything anyone can do, short of physically knocking me out and taking all this pain away.
It feels like I have only 2 choices, live with this pain or end it all now.
I wish it was this weekend my kids were going away to their dads, then it would be over, but they aren't and I hate them for it, hate me for being so weak.

OP posts:
elportodelgato · 27/10/2011 23:00

Rhks I don't know what to say but NO ONE 'deserves' not to live. You are a mum to 2 brilliant kids, if you can't think of anything else please please focus on how much they need you. You can and will get through this, just get through the night and see your doc in the morning and please be honest and ask for help - they can help you, they really can.

BlackCatinaWitchesHatonaBroom · 27/10/2011 23:01

Rhksmum Please stay strong, if not for yourself then stay strong for your children.

wahwahwah · 27/10/2011 23:08

Why will it be over at the weekend? What do you mean?

You have made the doctors appt, keep it. There is part of you who wants to get better - or you wouldn't have made the appointment. Evnlen if it is jkust for the kids' sake. They need their mum - well. Please hang in there. You are worth it - you deserve to have a happy life. Its too short, really it is, so please don't waste it. You won't believe me, but it will get better. You will have ups and downs - like us all - but it will get better.

Think about the good things in your life. Ok, it sounds pretty bad for you now, but it can't be all bad. You may have made mistakes or made the wrong decisions, but who hasn't? Don't beat yourself up. It is not fair for you to do this to yourself.

Speak to someone - your friend. Be honest.she will be angry with you for not reaching out to her.

Go and look at the kids asleep. Look into their faces and tell yourself that you are the most important thing in their lives. They need their mum.

Think about the future you want to have - what do you want to do WHEN you feel better (not 'IF'). Seeing the doctor is wasting no-ones time. She can help you.

Try to get some sleep - tomorrow is a new day. First steps and all that. Excuse the crappy typing - Blackberry gRrrrr

Keep in contact

ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 27/10/2011 23:10

Rhksmum - get through tonight - there's always someone here!! Then if you can, print this off & take it with you tomorrow. Of course you aren't wasting her time - she's a Dr, it's her JOB!!

I don't know anything about how these things work - but either you need a new crisis team or you need to ring them again and hope to get someone else. I can't believe they'd say that to you.

Would one of your friends come & stay the night if you told them how bad you are feeling?

If you were my friend and going through this I'd shift heaven and earth to come & stay with you and I would be very upset if you hadn't told me you were feeling like this.

I don't want to add more stress to you - but you have to think of your kids, you just do. They need you. You might not think they do, you might not think you are doing a good job - but YOU are the only Mum they will ever, ever have - & they need you.

elportodelgato · 28/10/2011 08:29

Rhks I had to go offline last night but I have been thinking of you, are you ok this morning? What time are you seeing the doctor?

Original poster
Rhksmum · 28/10/2011 09:13

Dont have doctors until 4.30, think I'm going to need industrial strength matchsticks to get through the day.
I guess in a warped(sp) sort of way I feel I am thinking of the kids, while I'm here I'm messing up their lives, and probably will continue to do so forever, but if I'm not here then yes they will be upset but they will learn to forget me and have a better stable life away from me.

OP posts: