I'm done with life

[Rhksmum]

That's it really

It's too hard, too many feelings, too many thoughts, scarey thoughts.
Struggling to cope with even just breathing, everything else has just gone out the window.

Am such a crap mum, have no sympathy left for my daughter who had an operation 2 weeks ago and is still recovering. she has been unwell for so long I cant deal with it anymore.
I've managed 6 hours sleep in the past week, think I'm on borrowed time.

Cpn cancelled on Tuesday, no appointment with her for another week and a bit, Psychologist cancelled this morning, although I did get 10 minutes with her, she wanted me to see the duty worker or the crisis team but I couldn't face seeing them, just sat and cried then came home and cut myself to bits.

Finally admitted defeat and phoned the Dr so am seeing her tomorrow, but she doesn't know me, normally I take my daughter to see her as she is really good with her, now shes having a flakey because thats her Dr and I'm not allowed to see her.

Feel so sick, head is starting to pound, am sore all over, too many flashbacks, cant keep myself grounded, tears just wont stop.

I'm sorry
:(

They need their mummy.

Depression is a disease and the Dr can help you - you need to tell the doc exactly how you feel, don't hold it in. Once you get some help things will start looking up.

No way - without you how will they feel? You will mess up their lives if you were to bow out (in any way) and desert them. They won't forget. They will carry that sadness that they didn't mean enough/you didn't love them enough to stick around. Bowing out is not an option.

As adults they will be continually seeking a 'mother figure' and that will mess up their personal and working relationships. They will repeat the patterns you make, so make it a good one. They need you - but they need you well. Don't teach them that you can give up when things get bloody tough. Show them how strong a woman can be. They will be so proud of you when they are old enough to understand.

Have a low key day. Minimum cooking/cleaning etc, get a couple of funny movies that you can settle down with the kids to watch. You can catnap while they watch Home Alone.

Think about what you are going to say to the doctor and what you want from her. Write it all down so that you can go through your notes and keep a note of what she says.

There are lots of us on here rooting for you! Stay on line if you need to chat, I am sure we will all be thinking about you at 4.30, willing you on.

Please go and see the doctor today, and tell them everything you're feeling/thinking.

My mum actually followed through on what you're thinking, 30 years ago. You never forget, and your life is not better for it. She wasn't there when I got my first period, first boyfriend, got married, had my children. She isn't there to ask advice on anything, or moan to about life the universe and everything. She isn't there for coffee and cakes and shopping. She isn't there for me to take on holiday (like we do Mil). She isn't there to be the proud granny. Heck, she just isn't there.

Now, she may well have had some problems that I would have found difficult as an adult (I can only remember little things now), but I'd much rather she was still here.

Please please please do not think they are better off without you. They may well wonder if you did it because of them. And that will stay with them forever.

Zombie - that is so sad to hear... You have put it perfectly.

My mum died a few years back (dad 10 years ago) and as an adult I feel the lonliness that only someone else who has lost their parents feel. Mine both died due to illness, so I can only rage against god. Had it been otherwise, I don't think I could ever get over it.

The dark thoughts do go.

Zombee I'm so sorry for what you went through, I dont want to hurt my kids, I really dont, but I'm scared.
I put everyones needs before mine, my friends, my childrens all of them.
I never have to think about me because there isn't time, but when there is I hate it, I hate who and what I am, what my kids have had to go through because I didn't say no, didn't stop them.

I'm such a mess, am terrified what the doctor will say today, what she will do, if she does nothing, tells me I need to go into hospital, what happens to my kids, it's all going to go wrong they are going to lock me away.
I dont know what to do...

hun we've been over this a thousand time and will do a thousand times more if I need to - you could not in a million years have stopped them. No one in your situation could have.

I think a short stay in hospital may become unavoidable - but your kids are a bit older now and they will be ok - you may be a lot more able to cope when you come out again.

I will try to catch you later if you are around, but you know where I am dontcha xx

Rkhs just wanted to see how it went at the docs today and check how you are. I've been thinking of you all day, please let us know you're ok x

she gave me diazipan for over the weekend until I see the psychiatrist on Monday. She wouldn't give me sleeping tablets and diazipan but felt if I was calmer I may sleep.
She wouldn't let me leave the room until I gave her my word that I would keep safe.
She was so nice, psychologist phoned 3 times today to see if I was ok and to bring my appointment with her nearer, so I will see her on Tuesday now, she left a message saying she was really worried about me

I've to phone NHS24 and ask to speak to the cpn's if things get really bad over the weekend.
She said they will do everything they can to make sure I dont have to go into hospital but I dont think I can believe her, they will come for me, they will take me away, it wont ever stop.

I dont think I've cried so much in my life as i have in the past 2 days, but it still isnt enough to make me sleep.
I hate her soo much for making me promise not to hurt myself, for having to stay, its all so muddled, so wrong :(

It feels that way now, but you will get through it. It will pass - all the crap, pain and desperation. You have to be strong and not quit. What's the alternative?

There are people in the world who love and care for you. Even some bods out here who care deeply and are genuinely rooting for you. Why would we do that unless we can see what a genuine and worthy person you are. We understand what its like. Some have been through it too - and out the other end. That's how it works - you fall, you hit bottom and bounce back. It hurts though!

Give it time. When your kids get a cut, don't you tell them that? You get a scab, it falls off then it heals? It just takes as long as it needs to.

Listen to the doctor and those who are trying to hep you. No-one is goind to take you away. They are there to help.

I know you can't sleeep. So don't try. Nothing worse than trying. Try just settling down on the sofa with the duvet and a good book or old black and white film on the telly. When you are stressed out you will snatch sleep in short birsts so just focus on getting enough to recharge the batteries. Your sleep pattern will come back once you begin to relax.

Think about you - I know you don't like yourself right now, but you just have your 'shit glasses' on just now. Take them off - give yourself a break!

Keep talking to us.

I dont think I can keep my word to the doctor
Feel so sick, have a big lump in my throat that just wont go away,
I've shouted and screamed, cried, hid away in my room but it's just not going away.
I smashed a glass while washing the dishes and it felt like all my christmases had come at once, feeling it in my hand, if my son hadn't of come in and seen the broken glass and took it away I dont know what I would have done,

No thats wrong I know what I would have done, he just got to me before I could do anything :(

Thankyou for being so kind

I am sorry this is so hard for you. Is there someone you can call to be with you now? If you have access to out of hours cpn's I think you should ask them to see you. Have you taken a diazepam which should help you to feel calmer?
Please take care of yourself, and trust that you can get through this. Keep talking to us if it helps.

RHKS you're not on your own - I'm glad your ds got the glass. I agree that you need to get hold of crisis team or similar. You know where I am if it helps xx

rhks..I don't know your previous story but I do know how incredibly difficult it is to have ill dc esp teenagers . They do need you despite what they might say .

Hope you're getting some sleep x

Update, please. Just want to know you're safe.

I'm here, had internet problems but it's fixed now.
Cant say the same about me.

Feel really spaced out but still really anxious and tearful.
Slept for 2 hours last night but woke up screaming the house down, scared to move, could see things, hear things.

My friend has offered to come see pyschiatrist with me tomorrow but I'm scared if she hears whats really going on in my head she will hate me, will definately know I'm a freak :(

No way, you are not, repeat not, a 'freak'. You write clearly about your situation and very obviously care a great deal about your kids.

They need you - you need them - things will get better, by and by. Give it time. Please, please don't call yourself names or think that other people will. Try your utmost to be kind to yourself - and then you can care better for your lovely children.

Take all the help you can get. You and your family will recover. It takes time, it takes patience but each small step is one towards a much happier future.

We're here - xx

You're not a freak and I'm sure your friend won't hate you. Depression is an illness, and you know you can get better with the right support. If she or he is a true friend it may be really helpful to have them with you during the consultation, so that they can support you to follow through with the advice you are given.
It's so hard when you are exhausted from lack of sleep and nightmares, but you can get through tonight, and know that you are getting professional support tomorrow.
It's important to be honest about your thoughts and feelings with the psychiatrist. I am going out now but will come back later.

No one will hate you for what is in your head. I wish you could accept that :(

Let her come with you - you know you often can't stay in the room and then you don't know what happened later, or you are unable to explain what's going on. Please x

how are you feeling now? What are you up to ? Can you do anythign at all tonight that will distract you?

RHKS where are you? Not on FB x

Friend cant come now, her daughter is not well., probably for the best she didn't come.

My daughter has just informed me she has found another lump so need to see Gp tomorrow to get her antibiotics, chances are my appointment will now have to be cancelled.

She has kicked off again tonight because I had to change her dressing, she's not took any of her meds for over a week, she doesn't seem to understand the consequences of her not taking them.

My ex came round this afternoon to take some stuff to the dump for me and told me I looked shocking, looked really ill but said an early night would solve it if only it was that easy.

It's all wrong, everything is too much, too many things going on, too many people in my head all shouting, all wanting to be heard but no one making any sense. I cant stop shaking tonight, have been sick and have completely fell apart.
Uniforms still need sorted, house is totally upside down and I just want to run away, there is no point anymore

You are dealing with so much at the moment it sounds overwhelming, especially when you are feeling so low.
See if you can find a way to still keep your appointment by getting your daughter an appointment at a different time. Failing that at least speak to your GP, as it's clear from your posts that you need more help than you're currently getting. You need to look after yourself, and let others around you help you.
I don't know how old your DD is, perhaps if the GP speaks to her she will realise the need to take her medicines.
Hang in there, and don't be afraid to be honest about just how bad you feel x

Rhks, I feel so sorry for you :( please try and be strong and try and see your GP tomorrow. I don't know your story but I am sure your kids would NOT be better off without you.
you need as much help and support as you can get. Can you not confide in your friend/ ex so that they know how bad things really are? Is there anyone who could come and stay with you for a couple of days and give you a hand with the day to day stuff?

Appointment done, if I still feel like this in 3 weeks he will look at changing some of my medicine about.
He's writing to my Gp to say that if I'm struggling again I can have a couple of days of Diazepam.

So thats that, no diazepam left, letter wont get to Gp until end of week at the earliest, have very limited options right now...