I'm done with life

[Rhksmum]

That's it really

It's too hard, too many feelings, too many thoughts, scarey thoughts.
Struggling to cope with even just breathing, everything else has just gone out the window.

Am such a crap mum, have no sympathy left for my daughter who had an operation 2 weeks ago and is still recovering. she has been unwell for so long I cant deal with it anymore.
I've managed 6 hours sleep in the past week, think I'm on borrowed time.

Cpn cancelled on Tuesday, no appointment with her for another week and a bit, Psychologist cancelled this morning, although I did get 10 minutes with her, she wanted me to see the duty worker or the crisis team but I couldn't face seeing them, just sat and cried then came home and cut myself to bits.

Finally admitted defeat and phoned the Dr so am seeing her tomorrow, but she doesn't know me, normally I take my daughter to see her as she is really good with her, now shes having a flakey because thats her Dr and I'm not allowed to see her.

Feel so sick, head is starting to pound, am sore all over, too many flashbacks, cant keep myself grounded, tears just wont stop.

I'm sorry
:(

Oh RHKS did you truly tell him how bad you are feeling or did you do your how fast can I get out of here trick? - he cannot possibly leave you for 3 more weeks without sleeping at all :( - feck I wish I was just a little bit less far away from you, this is appalling.

Do you have crisis team number to contact just in case?

Rhks, how are you feeling now? are you on your own? can you get some company?

So tired, tears wont stop, head is going to explode.
Cancelled dentist appointment as I couldnt bare the thought of someone putting their hands in my mouth, now I cant stop being sick when I manage to eat or drink.

There isn't any point anymore carrying on, think the kids are going to their dads next weekend so I have a week to put everything in order.
I just cant do it any more, they've won :(

No, it really will get better! Please keep on asking for help. I don't know your story but your children need you.

Please, please do all you can to get help and do not end your life.

My Dad killed himself when I was in my 20's, I live with the guilt and pain of his decision every day.

Do not put your children through that

I'm so sorry you are still suffering so much pain. Please find someone you can confide in, and help you with the children this weekend. Ring the Samaritans on 08457 909090, or contact your mental health crisis team.

Depression makes you feel that you can't go on, but the fact that you are still posting shows that you do want help. Let us help you to find the help you deserve, so that things can get better for you and your children.

PLease hang on in there for your kids, for yourself. post on here, call the samaritans, just one small step to get you thro the next few hours

RHKS please don't do this. Speak to K, speak to your GP, tell her you are ready to die and can't do it anymore. Looking back you will see that a stay in hospital is better than leaving your kids. Please please please.

Keep posting, love. We're listening x

Just read your post so sad you feel like that please get help immediately even if it means going to hospital. I know someone who felt like you she was hospitalised and given meds and therapy. Down the line she is now happy with new job and feeling better. It can get better but you do need to insist you get help not next wk or in 3wks but now. Stay safe

Please don't give up hope OP. I was at rock bottom too, but things are so different now. Things REALLY can change. Your kids need you. You're the only mummy they'll ever have. Please take yourself to A and E if you feel yourself getting too close to the brink. We're here for you.

OP how are you? Please let us know you are safe x

Not so long ago I was in your position Rhksmum. I was being bullied badly, I lost my home, and also my job. I took an overdose, was found, and spent a few days in hospital. I'm so glad I failed.
Please get some help. You deserve it.

Spoke to OP on facebook last night - for now she is safe but in a bad way, not seen her this bad before

Thanks for letting us know she is safe. I have been thinking of her, and hope she will be given the help she needs. If you speak to her again let her know that lots of us on here are thinking of her.

Where does OP live? I'm willing to help if she's anywhere nearby.

That's not for me to disclose jasmine and not sure if she will

Can reiterate what zobee said, my dad did followed through when I was 11, to be totally honest it's left me a complete mess, with relationships, work, everything in my life, 22 years on, your children can never know or understand what is going on in your head and will therefore never understand if you chose to end it. To them you are perfect, reliable and their mum!

I suffered with bad PND after the birth of my first baby which led me to pick up a knife and hold it to my wrist, but I could not do it, I would not do that to her, I had to be strong and get better, I would not mess her life up like my dad did to me.

Words are simply not enough to be able to say that ending it is the wrong thing to do and the incredible hurt and pain it causes everyone else. Please don't do it.

Why is it so hard,
I got all their christmas presents, just have to wrap them tonight, thought if I did all that it would make it easier.
I dont want to leave them I really dont, but I dont want to stay either, it hurts so much.
Had an appointment with CAMHS today for my daughter and they say she has no mental health problems, which is good to know, she's just the way she is because of me, because of my health, so if I'm not here she wont get worse, she'll get better, I wont be here to mess her up anymore.

I dont know what I'm doing or what to do anymore, it's just a mess :(

RHKS it's not you that is causing your dd's difficulties - it's your illness and the bastards who caused it. You are much more than that.

Of course it is not getting easier just by wrapping up some Christmas presents. And no it is not easy to leave them. That's because you are not meant to leave them!

Listen girl, if you are not here come Christmas your kids won't be happy with presents, they will be miles deep in grief and unsure how to carry on. It will also completely derail your dd, not fix her as you think.

Please reconsider your plan :( xxx

Rhks, I'm sorry this is still so hard for you. You are clearly suffering from severe depression, which is a horrible place to be. The depression distorts your thinking too, and makes you feel that your children would be better off without you, but that is not the reality at all. One day when you are in a better place you will see that. You're not messing up your daughter and no one can take your place as her Mum. I'm sure she and your other children love you very much.

I don't know what support you have had over the last few days, but I urge you to stay engaged with your mental health team. If you are not in hospital make sure you have practical support around you in caring for your children.

oh op, i am really truly able to feel your pain.

I was where you are about ten yrs ago.

You are so much more than you think, you've bought and wrapped those presents. You are meant to be there when they get opened.

you are exhausted. please please ring your doctor or anyone else who is helping or meant to be helping you.

This breakdown is your absolutely normal, happy spirit trying to get out, it's like the final effort. You, the person you were born as and deserve to become IS IN THERE. I got to where you are, and then slowly slowlystarted to get angry. Like 'wait a bloody minute I dont' deserve this as a life' and i fought it, and then

My saviour was prozac, i was ill for years. I was on the wrong meds for years.

This is soo hard, I put myself through this because?????
Being honest makes you feel even more crap and wondering why you even bothered to open your mouth.

It's done and over with, no more its too hard