I'm done with life

[Rhksmum]

That's it really

It's too hard, too many feelings, too many thoughts, scarey thoughts.
Struggling to cope with even just breathing, everything else has just gone out the window.

Am such a crap mum, have no sympathy left for my daughter who had an operation 2 weeks ago and is still recovering. she has been unwell for so long I cant deal with it anymore.
I've managed 6 hours sleep in the past week, think I'm on borrowed time.

Cpn cancelled on Tuesday, no appointment with her for another week and a bit, Psychologist cancelled this morning, although I did get 10 minutes with her, she wanted me to see the duty worker or the crisis team but I couldn't face seeing them, just sat and cried then came home and cut myself to bits.

Finally admitted defeat and phoned the Dr so am seeing her tomorrow, but she doesn't know me, normally I take my daughter to see her as she is really good with her, now shes having a flakey because thats her Dr and I'm not allowed to see her.

Feel so sick, head is starting to pound, am sore all over, too many flashbacks, cant keep myself grounded, tears just wont stop.

I'm sorry
:(

Have a new psychiatrist, well for next few months anyway until everything is restructured, seems to want me off all my meds, I'm a young girl and shouldn't need that amount.
If I'm not sleeping with the Quetiapine then I'm not gonna sleep with anything else.
Didn't seem happy that I was seeing psychologist weekly just now and after seeing her for the length of time I have been I shouldn't need to see her that frequently.
Didn't even know mine was leaving, they could have told me before I went, saw Cpn and psychologist last week and said I had him this week they didnt say a word.

I dont know what to do, I'm really scared, I know when I was ill with tonsilutus a few weeks ago and couldnt take my meds I was away with the fairies, but it settled down when I sorted my meds out, I'm not great on them, but I'm ten times worse without them.

Maybe its a sign :(

A sign? Yes, a sign that you need an advocate with you when you go to see your psychiatrist. Bloody %$$££% what is he thinking saying all that and he doesn't even know you.

Maybe you need to contact MIND, I think they can help.

unfortunately MIND aren't available here, there is an advocacy service here but a big waiting list.

Tried to get a hold of Cpn but no luck, psychologist phoned me at tea time and I completely lost it, she says she wont stop seeing me unless we both come to a mutual agreement, and thinks the Cpn will be the same.
She was pretty shocked to find out how it was all handled today. She did assure me that she knew nothing about me getting a new psychiatrist and will speak to her about what happened. I have to work out what I want her to ask and let her know tomorrow.

This morning all feels a blur, I've barely functioned all day and I feel so stupid that this has all got to me so much.

Domn't feel stupid - it must have been like the rug pulled from under you yet again. I'm very angry about it!

Does this psychiatrist know that you have just had a pretty big meds overhaul with you being weaned off lots of stuff and feeling friggin awful quite recently?

Glad that your psychologist is not letting you down.

I think they pulled the rug from under me and tried to smother me with it.
She had my file in front of her, she said previous psychiatrist had brought her up to speed, but she had still to read through 5 volumes of my files
She made me feel like an inconvenience, that I shouldnt be wasting her time.
Maybe shes right, maybe I am.
Maybe they are all trying to tell me something.
My anxiety is through the roof, I'm seeing things, have barely come out my room and now I have to do it all again tomorrow, I have to breath :(

Don't kid yourself that they are trying to tell you to top yourself - they are not and you know it!

It's doesn't inspire confidence when doctors want to change your treatment plan without getting to know you properly first. I can't believe your previous psychiatrist left without informing you, unless he was unexpectedly taken ill of course.

I'm glad you have at least one professional (your psychologist) who knows you well and can advocate for you. I hope today is a bit better for you x

As far as I know he wasn't off sick, he has took up another position and transfered all but a few of his patients.
I guess the fact that I thought he knew me and knew how I felt would have made a difference, but I was wrong.

madmouse I didn't mean it like that, I meant that I was unhelpable, that I'm unfixable, and the hope is that I dont go back and get help from them.

Maybe I'm not explaining it right, not very good with words just now.

Sorry for misunderstanding you hun xx

its ok, I just cant find the right words right now.
I'm supposed to have a list of what I want psychologist to ask new psychiatrist but I cant find the words, I', scared that if I fuffle her feathers she will end up like one of my previous psychiatrists and I cant go back there again.

I dont know what to do :(

Ask your psychologist to explain to the psychiatrist why she needs to see you so frequently - that's the most crucial thing.

Also ask her to explain what you really need from the psychiatrist which I think is:
You need to sleep sometimes and you need to be able to look after your children. And at the moment your meds are not allowing you to sleep. But you are (rightly) not at all sure that coming off the meds will achieve that.

Maybe she can ask what the psychiatrist thinks will happen once you are off the meds.

Last time your psychiatrist weaned you off loads of medication I was interested to see what would happen as I thought it might make you feel better, but it was hell for you, so not sure it should be repeated so soon.

And what exactly does the psychiatrist think is wrong with you? What is she planning to treat you for?

I think I'm going mad
I'm so paranoid, cant stop shaking, seeing horrible things.
everyone is out to get me aren't they?
trying to make me go mad,
am losing it
need it to stop need it to go away
dont feel safe
am scared please make it stop its too much :(

Whereas it's not generally a good sign if you think everybody is out to get you, if you still know you're doing it it probably not quite so bad.

No one is out to get you. Sorry to ask but has there been a change in your meds, have you been able to take all your normal stuff?

Maybe ring crisis or your CPN see if someone will come out xx

Rhks, I hope you're ok and someone has been supporting you today, and getting some help for you. It must be horrible to feel so scared. Keep talking on here if it helps x

I think I spoke to my Cpn today but I'm not sure
When I phoned yesterday the girl on reception didnt know who she was.
it feels like something bad is going to happen,really bad
really wobbling

If you're not sure whether you've spoken to the cpn you're really not with it. How's things now? You want some company? I'm here and on fb? xx

I miss her soo much, it's been a year and it still hurts.
let a balloon go for her and it got stuck in a tree outside my house, am so fecking stupid couldn't even get that right.
its getting closer and closer to christmas and as it gets nearer i get more scared.
I think I have psychologist tomorrow but I dont know, dont remember if she said she would phone me if it was going ahead or just to go and hope for the best.
I dont want to go though, cant be left with all the things in my head.
Next week I dont have any kids and I'm scared to be by myself, I dont trust me, but I dont want it to be a mess

Dear RHKS

I have just read this thread and what seems to come through is just how loved your are. I don't know your full story but you have so many people who want to see that you are safe and happy. That must give you a good feeling. I cannot offer you much but I am a strong believer in try to find the humour in even the darkest days. I offer you this

A chap is on London Bridge looking into the water below and thinking that he's had it, he can't take any more of life; he hasn't got a job, all hope has gone. He's about to throw himself in when he hears a voice behind him. "I wouldn't do that if I were you." He looks round and sees an old woman dressed in rags, with everything she owns in one or two plastic bags. "What business is it of yours?" he says to her fiercely. "I'm a fairy," she says, "a good fairy. Give me a kiss and I can solve all your problems." Thinking his problems are at an end, he embraces her passionately. When the clinch is over, she punches him in the stomach and says, "How old are you mate?" "Fifty," he says. "Fifty," she laughs, "and you still believes in fairies!"

Hope it made you smile

She was the only one who treated you well when you were little and she's only been gone for such a short time - it's bound to really hurt. I'm so sorry hun :( xxxx

And as for the balloon - it wouldn't have made it all the way to heaven anyway, but it will have made her smile that you thought of her xx

Feels like I have ruined their christmas already, head is pounding, cant stop being sick, tears wont stop. I just want to go to my bed but I have too much to do.

Please just make it all stop and go away.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger well this certainly feels like its going to kill me.

If you are feeling overwhelmed then you should really try and prioritise what really must get done and what you will all survive without being done and do as little as possible on the things that have to be done. Do you have any other adults with you tonight and tomorrow?

There is no one, just me and the kids.
I'm trying to cook the dinner tonight so all i have to do is heat it up tomorrow but its making me feel sick looking at all that food, there isnt even alot but it looks 10 times more than is there.

You would think santa had just sprung this on me, its the same day every year but I still cant manage it :(

Hello , just seen you last post , you dont know me but i wanted to say hi and ive you some support.Ive been watching your thread.
Dont worry about not managing stuff. Its all relative. I try to see getting through the day as a good thing regardless of what ive actually done. You dont have to cook tonight if you dont dfeel up to it..you could always have a very late dinner tomorrow ?
Have you seen any of your MH team recently ?

You don't have to make all that food. I know you are trying to make it nice for your children but honestly what kids really need is love and for their mum to be somewhat relaxed. How old are they? Do they see their father at all?

Saw psychologist on Friday we did speak a bit about why I struggle with christmas, but I guess this christmas has been one of the worst for feeling like this.
I will see both her and cpn next week again but its so hard trying to be excited or put on a happy face for something that was so terrible and frightening for me.

There isn't a lot of food but the thought of them creating because it isn't ready or they are h