I'm done with life

[Rhksmum]

That's it really

It's too hard, too many feelings, too many thoughts, scarey thoughts.
Struggling to cope with even just breathing, everything else has just gone out the window.

Am such a crap mum, have no sympathy left for my daughter who had an operation 2 weeks ago and is still recovering. she has been unwell for so long I cant deal with it anymore.
I've managed 6 hours sleep in the past week, think I'm on borrowed time.

Cpn cancelled on Tuesday, no appointment with her for another week and a bit, Psychologist cancelled this morning, although I did get 10 minutes with her, she wanted me to see the duty worker or the crisis team but I couldn't face seeing them, just sat and cried then came home and cut myself to bits.

Finally admitted defeat and phoned the Dr so am seeing her tomorrow, but she doesn't know me, normally I take my daughter to see her as she is really good with her, now shes having a flakey because thats her Dr and I'm not allowed to see her.

Feel so sick, head is starting to pound, am sore all over, too many flashbacks, cant keep myself grounded, tears just wont stop.

I'm sorry
:(

At this moment in time they really would.
I was selfish to have them, to think that I could do it differently to how I grew up, I know its different but I'm still a screw up like my parents were, I'm still messing them up.

Everything is moving further and further out of my reach, it feels like I started to paddle in the sea but got out of my depth and every wave pulls me further and further away from where I thought I was safe.

I have burt myself quite badly tonight and I know tomorrow I will have to deal with the consequences but I dont care anymore :(

Grrrrrr hurt not burt,

I have only just seen this. How have you hurt yourself?

You are what you think. My mother taught me a very valuble lession. If mother isnt there to protect thier children from the world then the world gets a free kick. This is what helped her survive the bombing through out the war. Sing at your lowest ebb and cry only at your happiest.

Its ok, have cleaned it up and dressed it as best I can, will see how it is in the morning

Are you sure you dont need hosp for burn? Hope you ok

no didnt need any hospital treatment but thanks for asking, just have a very sore arm but no more than I deserve.

I dont know what to do anymore, its all pointless, I'm pointless, I've just had enough, its all too hard :(

You don't deserve to feel pain, and I hope your arm heals quickly. Can you find someone to talk to next time you feel like hurting yourself? Or write your feelings down on here. Are you due to see your psychologist again this week? Take care x

Am due to see her on Friday and Cpn on Thursday.
It's just so hard trying to get whats in my head out in the open, I tried really hard when psychologist phoned today but I just kept stuttering and mixing up my words.
She said she will see me on Friday all being well, what does that mean?
Are they going to make me go into hospital?
Is she going to stop seeing me and just needs a few days to work out a good enough reason?
I'm probably just being stupid and paranoid :(

I doubt that she will stop seeing now whilst you are making progress in being able to talk about what happened to you, even though some days you are not able to share everything that's on your mind. I wouldn't read anything into her saying all being well.
Do you feel that going into hospital would help you? I know child care would be difficult for you, and I doubt that you would be forced to accept hospital care. Can you talk to your CPN about getting more support in the community? I'm not sure what is available in your area.

I dont think there is much more availbale and what is I dont think I meet the criteria.
Your right I probably shouldn't read anything into what she said, thats one of my many bad points, I see and hear what isn't there.

Sometimes I do think hospital would be helpful but it wouldn't take away why I feel so bad, or stop me blaming myself, and it would give me too much thinking time, but being away from everything, not having to worry about everyday stuff would be nice.

I hate feeling so insecure and scared, it makes me imagine the worst and not trust anyone.

It's hard for you to trust people when you've been treated so badly, but you are making progress in starting to trust your psychologist enough to share really painful stuff with. In time I hope your ability to trust other people will improve. I hope you will learn to place blame where it belongs, on those who harmed you. You have nothing to blame yourself for x

Yesterday wasn't great but I got through the day in a daze.
Tried not to think or feel anything, guess I was like a robot and I think I managed it, although lost it last night with the kids over stupid things.
Today its just hit me, all that hard work yesterday trying to keep it together was pointless.
I never thought I could ever cry a much as I did today, flashbacks were horrendus, I dont want to believe what I was seeing, I dont want it to be true but I guess it is :(

Tried phoning Cpn but couldn't get through, ended up crying myself to sleep this afternoon and only woke up because the kids were scared when they came in from school and I was screaming.

I really am messing them up aren't I?
:(

I am so sorry you are hurting so much, it must be so hard and I wish I could take the pain away. It sounds like you could do with a lot more support for yourself and your children, as you deal with the really traumatic flashbacks. I think you are due to see your Cpn tomorrow, so I hope that she will be able to offer practical suggestions. I am wondering if hospital admission might be best for you, so that you can have access to support around the clock.
It must be hard for your kids to see you so upset, so I'm sure they would understand if you did need to go into hospital for a while x

I cant cope, have a really bad pain in my back, couldn't tell psychologist why. She asked what kind of pain it was but I couldnt tell her, couldn't tell her anything.
Have been in soo much pain all afternoon and I cant get it to go away, tried phoning her to talk about it to try make some sense of it but she was gone.

I'm so stupid, I couldn't talk and tell her why, I didn't know why, it's been coming in dribs and drabs all afternoon, I cant make it go away but I cant say it out loud.

I feel really dizzy and shaky but not with it, if that makes sense.
Nothing I do feels real, what I think is in front of me isn't there when I reach out to touch it.

I hate this, I told her some really bad things a few weeks ago and now I seem to have shut down in there.

I hope your back pain gets better soon. I hope you have some painkillers to take.
It sounds as if you want to talk to her but can't get the words out during your time with her. Can you try writing down what you would like to say and giving it to her during your next session? Or maybe drawing or painting would help you to express how you are feeling. Sometimes it is easier to talk on the phone than face to face.
Take care x

Breath...If one more person telse me to breath I think I'm going to knock them out.
I know I have to breath, I'm not likely to forget, I wish I could but it's not likely.

Pain still there, hot baths, pain killers, probably too many but nothing will tske it away, but it wont will it? After all it's in my head, it's not real I'm just going mad.