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Original poster

I'm done with life

217 replies

Rhksmum · 27/10/2011 18:14

That's it really

It's too hard, too many feelings, too many thoughts, scarey thoughts.
Struggling to cope with even just breathing, everything else has just gone out the window.

Am such a crap mum, have no sympathy left for my daughter who had an operation 2 weeks ago and is still recovering. she has been unwell for so long I cant deal with it anymore.
I've managed 6 hours sleep in the past week, think I'm on borrowed time.

Cpn cancelled on Tuesday, no appointment with her for another week and a bit, Psychologist cancelled this morning, although I did get 10 minutes with her, she wanted me to see the duty worker or the crisis team but I couldn't face seeing them, just sat and cried then came home and cut myself to bits.

Finally admitted defeat and phoned the Dr so am seeing her tomorrow, but she doesn't know me, normally I take my daughter to see her as she is really good with her, now shes having a flakey because thats her Dr and I'm not allowed to see her.

Feel so sick, head is starting to pound, am sore all over, too many flashbacks, cant keep myself grounded, tears just wont stop.

I'm sorry
:(

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhksmum · 07/12/2011 22:16

A week and a half after no one knowing where my prescription for antibiotics went it appeared today in the chemist.
When I asked for my normal weekly one I was told I wasn't due any, even when I said I had nothing left, they said I had to wait until next week, they just kept saying I wasn't due anything.

But it's wednesday I always pick up my prescription on a wednesday, why was today any different? Maybe it wasn't wednesday, maybe I messed up my tablets and took too many and I was a week early.
Maybe I'm losing it more than I think :(
I did eventually get my prescription but only after tears and my friend coming to the rescue.

When did things get so bad that I burst into tears in the middle of Boots? My prescription is messed up nearly every week but I manage to get it fixed, but today I couldn't, today I was ready to leave without it and have none for a week.

OP posts:
giraffesCantDanceAtXmasParties · 07/12/2011 22:47

where in scotland are you?

Original poster
Rhksmum · 07/12/2011 22:55

Just outside Glasgow

OP posts:
giraffesCantDanceAtXmasParties · 07/12/2011 23:16

Am in Glasgow and have a car. Let me know if I can do qanything.

fannybanjo · 07/12/2011 23:18

This is heart breaking. Sad. Please please accept any help you can. MN is wonderful and full of genuine people who will put themselves out for you. I hope your pain lessens.

giraffesCantDanceAtXmasParties · 08/12/2011 06:10

PM me if you like, I am a volunteer counsellor for a well known charity - anything you say I have heard before I can garuntee it, but you dont have to even tel me anything at all, just a wee coffee if you want. Infact you can let me moan about my crappy asthma Xmas Grin met loads of mners before, and most of those more than once.

Original poster
Rhksmum · 08/12/2011 10:27

Thanks Giraffes, am just going to psychologist the now but will pm you when I get back

OP posts:
NanaNina · 08/12/2011 13:23

I think it is brilliant when MNs can reach out to others, especially if it is in RL. You sound lovely Giraffes (and they can't dance anywhere can they!) Hope Rhksmum you get some good support both on here and in RL

madmouse · 08/12/2011 17:53

One of the many times I wish I wasn't over 5 hours drive away RHKS - hope you can meet up with Giraffes - I've never seen her post anything but pleasant and lovely things - bet she's lovely xx

Original poster
Rhksmum · 10/12/2011 10:11

When do the nightmares go away?
I did sleep last night but it was all nightmares. Am still shaking, being sick, need it all to stop, still don't feel here, feel really strange.
Why did I talk about it, why did she let me and now I'm on my own with it, now it won't go away And I'm scared :(

OP posts:
NanaNina · 10/12/2011 13:54

Dear Rhjsmum - so sorry you are feeling dreadul, I know that sick shakey feeling and it is of course anxiety, but it's horrid. I'm not sure what you talked about and who with, but it has obviously left you in a bad place - but maybe it has to get worth before it gets better - sorry that sounds like one of those cliches that annoy me so much.

Anxiety makes us scared - that's what it is fear and then fear of fear, but it will pass. I have been crying for a couple of hours this morning, just woke up feeling shite, and am now trying to distract myself by MNing an hopefully reaching out to others. Can you PM Giraffes. Do you have anyone with you who can understand and give you some support.

madmouse · 10/12/2011 14:20

Huney unfortunately it is normal for a bit for dreams etc to get worse when you talk about it. It means you are processing things. And it is talking about it that alloys you to start processing it. The way I see it, all the memories need to find the right drawer to be filed in. I've got easy talking as for me flashbacks were always much worse than nightmares, in that my nightmares are always blurred at least, but it will pass. And you did sleep, which was so terribly overdue. Take care of yourself. You know where I am xx

madmouse · 10/12/2011 14:21

It's not simply anxiety in this case NanaNina xx

NanaNina · 10/12/2011 14:42

I'm sure you are not trying to undermine me Madmouse but I was in no way thinking that the OP just had simple anxiety. I think I know enough about mental illness to know that it is very complex and comes in many forms and for many reasons. I was simply responding to the symptoms of anxiety that RHKs mum mentioned in her post. I don't know her back story. Maybe it's because I am feeling very low today that I see you saying something like "I know better than you NN" - I'm sure you're not but in my present state that is how it is coming across.

madmouse · 10/12/2011 16:25

Nana have pm-ed you

Original poster
Rhksmum · 10/12/2011 19:40

NanaNina I'm sorry your not feeling to good today, I hope things improve for you.

Madmouse I wish I hadn't slept, I wish I had managed what I wanted to do but was so physically tired I couldn't.

I dont want the dreams, the thoughts none of them, if this is what talking does then I'm done with it.

I had to take the kids out today because my heating and hot water is broke again, although they only fixed it yesterday, I'm not an emergency today only yesterday, so we had to go out to the shopping centre where it was warm, but I lost the plot. Ended up in tears, walked away and left the kids because I couldn't let them see me in a mess.
Everything is getting to me, everything is soo much bigger, louder and scarier.
I just want it to stop :(

OP posts:
GRW · 11/12/2011 08:55

Rhksmum I'm sorry this is so deeply painful for you; I hope that you have someone with you who can understand and support you while you deal with the strong emotions that talking has evoked.

Telling someone takes courage and can help with healing, even though it makes you feel worse at first. Please keep yourself safe while you are dealing with this. When are you due to see your therapist again?

I hope you can get your heating and hot water fixed soon x

Original poster
Rhksmum · 11/12/2011 09:38

I'm due to see her tomorrow, but I don't want tom I'm so angry with her for leaving me with this, I'm not angry with them, just her :(
She's so nice and doesn't deserve my anger but I can't get angry with them.

This all feels such a mess, no sleep at all last night because I was too scared.
I really don't know what I'm doing anymore.
Do I talk do I not?
Do I live do I die?
What do I do?
I'm hurting so badly and I just want it to stop, but its never going to because I'm so stupid and weak and can't see them Like everyone else does, maybe I dont want to, maybe that's what makes me stupid and weak.

OP posts:
GRW · 11/12/2011 12:28

I don't think you're stupid or weak, just hurting and damaged by what has been done to you. You need to believe that healing is possible with the right support, and hold on today until you can talk to your therapost tomorrow- I'm sure she will understand that you feel anger towards her, and that it's hard for you to see her. I hope that she can help you make sense of your feelings so that eventually you can feel anger towards those who hurt you or didn't protect you.
Please keep talking to us on here if it helps, we care and we are listening x

madmouse · 11/12/2011 13:21

It's logical that you are angry with her and not with them. You do not feel anywhere near safe enough to be angry with them. And they have trained you too well. Do talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Tell her why you feel angry with her.

Original poster
Rhksmum · 11/12/2011 16:05

but she has never hurt me, maybe let me down a few times but not intentially.
why didn't she stop me talking, she should have told me to shut up and now it wont go back in the box, no matter how hard I try it wont fit, it's grown, it's bigger than I could ever imagine it could be and it hurts and scares me so much

OP posts:
madmouse · 11/12/2011 16:27

Why should she have told you to shut up?

Original poster
Rhksmum · 11/12/2011 17:59

because i cant cope with the fall out,
I cant cope keeping it in but it's a feeling I know, saying it out loud feels wrong, I dont feel safe.
Yes she says she has probably heard it before, yes she says she is sorry I went through this, yes she cares, but I dont want her to, I want her to hate me, be disgusted with me, see me how I see me, I dont do nice, cant cope with nice, cant cope full stop with anything right now

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 11/12/2011 18:12

I don't know your back story but I am currently going through therapy for what happened in my childhood it has opened up the floodgates so to speak and is awful everyone keeps telling me it will get better. I know it will take time but hang in there people on here give so much support with out the judging.

GRW · 11/12/2011 18:20

You don't deserve to be hated or despised, and I hope with time you can learn to accept being cared for, and see yourself as worthy of respect for your courage in talking about this.
It hurts and it's scary right now because it's out of the box, so please let those around you comfort you until it eventually hurts less x