I'm done with life

[Rhksmum]

That's it really

It's too hard, too many feelings, too many thoughts, scarey thoughts.
Struggling to cope with even just breathing, everything else has just gone out the window.

Am such a crap mum, have no sympathy left for my daughter who had an operation 2 weeks ago and is still recovering. she has been unwell for so long I cant deal with it anymore.
I've managed 6 hours sleep in the past week, think I'm on borrowed time.

Cpn cancelled on Tuesday, no appointment with her for another week and a bit, Psychologist cancelled this morning, although I did get 10 minutes with her, she wanted me to see the duty worker or the crisis team but I couldn't face seeing them, just sat and cried then came home and cut myself to bits.

Finally admitted defeat and phoned the Dr so am seeing her tomorrow, but she doesn't know me, normally I take my daughter to see her as she is really good with her, now shes having a flakey because thats her Dr and I'm not allowed to see her.

Feel so sick, head is starting to pound, am sore all over, too many flashbacks, cant keep myself grounded, tears just wont stop.

I'm sorry
:(

It is true RHKS she has heard it before and so have I. You have been waiting for two years or so now for me to run away every time you tell me something and I'm still not disgusted by anything you say. Disgusted with them, more than disgusted, very very angry, sick, etc. But not with you. Never with you xx

Maybe she has heard it before, but not from me, I dont have the words to describe what goes on in my head sometimes, I dont want to or should I say I cant say what I know I should say if that makes sense.
I dont know how I got here, it's all such a mess, everyday, every new memory/flashback it gets worse. I wish they had finished me off, that I had been even bader for them to get so mad they would have made me not be here now, but they didn't and I have to live with it, live with what I did.

I guess I'm struggling with the why's, some weeks I tell her wee snippets, hoping she will be disgusted, when I do manage to look at her she isn't and I dont know how to react, I want to run away, I want to believe that she isn't disgusted with me, that she is being genuinly nice to me but I cant.

I feel so sick, the thought of seeing her tomorrow, talking, breathing, living, it all feels too much

Me too feeling for you so much, you are on a very painful journey. You say you don't have the words to describe what goes on in your head - this is just a thought - could you draw what is in your head or how you feel. You don't have to be able to draw, just marks on a paper will do, not for the therapist to interpret of course, but maybe to make it a little easier for you to find the words you can't find at the moment.

I do try and draw/scribble what is in my head sometimes, not sure what to make of it, quite scarey if I'm honest.

Have 10 minutes before I have to leave the house to go to my appointment and I've not stopped being sick. I'm trying to convince myself it's a bug but I know it's not, I know I'm looking for any excuse not to go. I've argued with my oldest son in the hope he will turn round and say he wont get my youngest from school this afternoon so I dont have to go to my appointment.

I've been nervous before going to see her but nothing like this. I want her to tell me to get a grip, to pull myself together, to stop being pathetic, I mean how hard is it to walk into her office say what I need to and leave?

Arghhhhhh I hate myself for being so stupid

Rhks, you are not stupid just in a very difficult place. And you are not bad and you do not deserve to be punished. Those thoughts are a consequence of the depression/trauma. Madmouse knows you and doesn't think that. Your pysche knows you and doesn't think that. You are worthy of peoples time and support. I hope you appointment goes well.

Are you up to posting Rhks after your appointment. Frid is right you are most certainly not stupid and I believe that one day you will know that for yourself.

I don't believe a therapist exists who would tell her client to "pull herself together,and stop being pathetic" and if there is one, he/should should shut up shop NOW.

It is not easy at all to see a therapist, especially when you are unearthing buried trauma, and you are incredibly brave to be on this journey.

Maybe you could continue with the drawing/scribbling even if it is scarey. I used nothing but black charcoal at times, and you can just smudge it and it makes a mess on the page and your fingers - but that was what I felt a mess.
I found it helped a little.

Sending you warm wishes

Thinking of you today and hope that your appointment went well. I agree with NanaNina that you are being very brave, and that in the long run it will help you to talk about things with your therapist, even though talking makes you feel worse in the short term.

It was hard, really hard, she seemed to know when I went in that I was angry with her when I went in, although I couldnt tell her that. Makes me wonder if she used mumsnet as she seemed to know exactly how I was feeling.

I did my usual, danced from subject to subject, said bits of things, but I couldnt say what I needed to, I messed up again :(

She is going to get some dolls as I dont have the words or I cant say them to try and help me. She's also going to see me again on Thursday which has sent alarm bells ringing in my head, why does she want to see me twice in one week?
She gave me a hug at the end and I just wanted to stay there, stay where it felt safe, to bury my head in her shoulder and forget what had happened but it was over too soon and I was still the dirty disgusting thing.

She told me that it was ok to be angry with her, that it wasn't a 2 way thing, she could never be angry with me :(
I'm so confused, so messed up with all this, I need her to hate me, need her to be disgusted in me, I know how to deal with that.

That's why you want her to be angry isn't it - because it is all you know. But it should be different and she is showing you. Hugs are so life affirming and for me it is major that you can let her hug you and feel safe. You should have had that as a young child and you never did.

She may want to see you because she feels there is movement, progress. I feel the same. You also know it will be easier for you to open up to her if you see her more often, so the relationship is ongoing so to speak as it makes it a little easier to trust her.

Good to hear from you Rhks and well done for getting to the appointment, even though you were so scared - that took some courage.

You didn't "mess up again" - you said "bits of things" - which was better than nothing. It may take you a long time for you to feel safe enough to talk more about the troubling thoughts and feelings that you have in your head. She sounds a good therapist and wants to see you again because she can see how much you are hurting and wants to help you on your journey on unearthing your buried trauma, so that it loses its hold on you and it becomes less scarey.

It was really good that she hugged you (I'm sure you needed it) but even better that you wanted to stay there, stay where it felt safe, and wanted to bury your head in her shoulder and forget what had happened to you. I think this must mean that you are starting to see the therapist as a safe person and this might help you start to talk a little more openly in the fullness of time.

Glad she told you it was ok to be angry with her; this often happens in therapy when you can't be angry with the people who hurt you. A good therapist understands this.

She is never going to hate you or be disgusted with you - never, so you will have to give up on that one. There will come a time when you are able to see yourself in a different light - but it will take time, and am so glad that you have a good therapist.

Take care and looking forward to hearing how the session goes on Thursday if you feel like sharing it of course.

Dont feel well, horrible pains in my stomach that wont go away. I know what they are and why but I cant get rid of them.
I hate it, it's hard enough not coping with the emotional pain, but when its physical it's even worse.
Spent most of the night in the bath trying to get clean and hoping the warm water would help the pain but neither worked.

I'm really struggling trying to stay here today, my daughter is off school not well and I have to deal with her, not panic her with how I'm feeling physically.

Why does this happen?
I'm doing what I'm supposed to, ok not greatly but I'm trying so why is this happening, feels like they're still managing to punish me.
I hate this, everything is spiraling out of control and I cant fix it, cant fix any of it :(

Hi Rhks - unfortunately there is no quick fix - for any kind of mental illness, would that there were! You ask "why does this happen" Yes you are are doing the right thing, and you are trying but it is all going to take time. Recovery from most mental illnesses is a long uphill climb, with sometimes 3 steps forward and 2 steps back.

There is small wonder that you feel that they are still managing to punish you, because you are still suffering (in a severe way) from what happened to you, presumably in childhood. A lot of our childhood experiences, follow us into adult life, and if you had very bad, scarey experiences they will/are following you into adult life.

I think you do think visually, as you said you drew/scribbled on paper sometimes about the emotions you were feeling. I wonder if you can see the long painful journey you are on, as visual too. You talked of stomach pains, and I would guess it feels like a football at the moment, but over time,with the help of your therapist, that will shrink to maybe a rugby ball, then to a soft beach ball maybe, then a child's ball, then a tennis ball, golf ball and maybe marble size, but this won't be linear, the weights and sizes of the balls may vary consiserably from time to time. Look I'm sorry if this isn't making any sense to you, so please feel free to ignore the post......it's just sometimes is a way of something huge and scarey shrinking to something much more manageable.

You are one brave woman for engaging with a good therapist and this is the only way forward............maybe as the sessions go by, you might feel a teeny bit of relief - and that will show you that you are doing the right thing.

Take good care and let us know how Thursday goes if you feel up to it. Do you have any RL support btw?

Session was really hard, was in there nearly 2 hours, couldn't cry, thought I had no tears left but after tonight and my daughter informing me she wished I was dead, that I have to be the worst mum ever, this after I took her to get a new dress for christmas, I have fallen apart.
I know all kids say they hate their mum at some point, she's just rebeling, she's worried about her last session with the counsellor tomorrow, but I cant deal with it.
She has posted all over facebook how she hates me, this fighting to make sure her dad doesn't give her a hard time, to make sure she gets all the help she needs, fighting with myself to stay here for them, well guess what I dont give a flying monkeys, I give up, there is no point in any of it.

I hate myself for thinking this way, but really I shouldn't be here, I hate that it just takes something like this to send me over the edge, the hugs she gave me at the end of the session, the nice things she said, all seem so pointless, all were wasted on me.
I dont deserve her being nice, she shouldn't touch me, I dont want her to be like me, I just want all this over, it's too hard, I'm done

I'm sorry this is so hard for you and your daughter; it's true that most teenagers say things like this at some point, but it's hard not to take it literally when you are dealing with so much else on top of it. I hope that you can reconnect with her soon- I don't know if she is aware of what you went through in the past, or that you need extra support at this time whilst you deal with it. I hope she can talk to her counsellor today, and get support for herself.

Hold on to the truth behind the positive things your therapist said to you, and believe that you are making progress, even though sometimes it seems it's one step forward and two steps back. x

Like GRW says this is what teenagers do at one time or another. You know she's given to losing the plot in anger. It's only because you feel the way you do that you take her literally. Seems you had quite a session. Take care of yourself today, you will be feeling extra vulnerable. Chat soon xx

I know thats what teenagers are like and I think that's what makes it harder, I never expected my own daughter though to wish I was dead, to hope I die of cancer. She has fell out with all her friends because they told her she was out of order, my friend has fell out with me because in her words I didn't punish her enough, she would have done it all different if she was hers. Maybe she would, maybe this is just another thing to put of the list of things I f*ck up.

I feel so lost, jumpy and not with it today. Cant seem to keep myself grounded at all.
Tried phoning Cpn but she's on holiday, psychologist is on holiday, there is no one there.
Dont feel safe, emptied the kitchen cupboards trying to find things but didn't have enough, so useless. Dont want to cry anymore, too tired, no energy to think, just need it over with :(

Rhks I don't think she really wishes you were dead, and punishing her might make things worse by making her more angry.
I hope you have someone around you who you can talk to this evening x

My six year old frequently calls me an idiot and teLls me she hates me. I ignore it as she doesn't mean it and neither does your dd. She is just doing the teenage thing;rebellion, intense emotions and not knowing what to do with them. She is still a child albeit one who is growing towards adulthood. My sister finally seems to be coming out the other side at the age of twenty one.

I can't do it,
I can't do christmas, be a mum, cant breath, be alive, its all too much.

I need it to stop, memories, feelings, thoughts, images.
I'm scared, I feel so out of control, everything is out of control.
I have a week until christmas, maybe I should have got the kids to agree to going to their dads, it would make everything soo much simpler, but no, they wanted to stay here with me and go to his for new year, part of me hates them, feels they were selfish for wanting to stay with me, why would they want to spend it with me?
I'm rubbish at christmas, I hate everything about it, I just want to hide, to shut myself away, but I can't, I have to look and act like a happy mum/friend when inside I need out.

I dont see any other way out of this, I dont want to hurt them, but this is killing me, being here,
I just dont know how to make it right :(

I'm sorry you feel so scared and out of control, and hope you can accept comfort from others around you so that you feel safer soon.

It's understandable that you don't feel like Christmas when your mind is dealing with so many traumatic memories. But the fact that your kids want to be with you shows that they do love and appreciate you, and I'm sure you will try to make it special for them.

I hope you have someone you can rely on to help you through Christmas x

Christmas is not all it's cracked up to be especially when your mental health is letting you down. How about you focus on the keep breathing bit. I know your kids' presents have been carefully bought and wrapped already so that covers the basics. I'm sorry you feel they are being selfish by staying with you. I would hope that you would in any event not do anything daft at Christmas as this would make all their Christmases difficult for the rest of their lives xxx

I'll be around at Christmas as dh will be working and then crashing out (since he's preaching both midnight mass and Christmas day services) so you're never on your own x

The more I breath the more I don't want to, the less I breath the more I panic.
I don't want to ruin their christmas, I really don't but I can't go on anymore.
Each day I feel like another piece of me dies, they didn't leave me much and the little that's left is going.

My oldest went out this morning and left a candle burning, I was angry with him because the house could have burnt down, but more upset because he didn't do it when I was in and it could have been over with.
I really am going mad, I had to c

Stupid phone,
I had to throw out all the candles I had, have come upstairs away from everything that I could hurt myself with but it doesn't feel enough and now I don't know what to do :(

I'm still up if talking helps, here or on fb x

Have you survived the night? xx