I'm done with life

[Rhksmum]

That's it really

It's too hard, too many feelings, too many thoughts, scarey thoughts.
Struggling to cope with even just breathing, everything else has just gone out the window.

Am such a crap mum, have no sympathy left for my daughter who had an operation 2 weeks ago and is still recovering. she has been unwell for so long I cant deal with it anymore.
I've managed 6 hours sleep in the past week, think I'm on borrowed time.

Cpn cancelled on Tuesday, no appointment with her for another week and a bit, Psychologist cancelled this morning, although I did get 10 minutes with her, she wanted me to see the duty worker or the crisis team but I couldn't face seeing them, just sat and cried then came home and cut myself to bits.

Finally admitted defeat and phoned the Dr so am seeing her tomorrow, but she doesn't know me, normally I take my daughter to see her as she is really good with her, now shes having a flakey because thats her Dr and I'm not allowed to see her.

Feel so sick, head is starting to pound, am sore all over, too many flashbacks, cant keep myself grounded, tears just wont stop.

I'm sorry
:(

CPn just left told her how I felt, am just an inconvenience to them all, its so pointless :'(

Do you have crisis/home treatment team phone number?

I wonder what she can do though, you see a therapist weekly and refuse to go into hospital. When are you seeing your psychiatrist again?

If I had someone that would take my kids for how ever long it would take for me to get better, that would be able to stand up to tosspot, that the courts would allow them to stay with rather than there dad, then I would go into hospital, but I dont have that luxury, my last admission was 6 months, My friends cant just drop everything to look after them.
If they went to their dads in England, there schooling would suffer as it's different up here, if he would make sure she got the proper medical help she needed and not be ignored then I would but I cant, my needs dont matter,

I dont refuse because its an easy option, I just cant do it practically, maybe thats wrong, i dont know

rhks I'm so sorry - I did not for one moment suggest that you take the easy option or that you somehow make it harder for her. I know why you feel you can't go into hospital and i understand your reasons even though I believe that in your current condition it no longer is optiona, I think you need that admission.

All I was trying to say is that she has a limited number of tools in her toolkit, especially as she is not such a brilliant CPN, and none of her tools 'work' on you

Madmouse please dont be sorry, its ok.

Spent nearly an hour crying down the phone to pyschologist yesterday, she's phoning me again tomorrow and will see me on Friday. I wish she wouldn't worry about me.
I'm totally drained, my daughter is still off school not well, I have nothing left to give her,
I keep looking at the painkillers the GP gave her yesterday and thinking if only but then thats selfish because she needs them, but does she really need them all?
I'm supposed to do something nice for me but all I want to do is hurt myself, to hack myself to bits, but my daughter is off school for the rest of the week and I haven't been able to be on my own.

I'm so full of rage at everyone, stupid things are becoming soo big, too much, I dont know its such a mess all of it

You sound so vulnerable and traumatized, at least if you were in hosptital you would have people around you to keep you safe from harming yourself, and hopefully get the right medication and other support so that you feel less desperate. I hope that you have someone helping you care for your children- is there no one who could move in with them so that you could go to hospital voluntarily, even if just for a short time?
Don't feel guilty that people are worrying about you- it's because they care and want to help you.

I'm sorry, its just a mess.
There isn't any one that can move in here with the kids for me to go into hospital, 1 friend drinks too much and kids really struggle with her, one works full time and the other I couldn't trust with them.

It is all soo much of a mess, I'm a mess, everything is.
My breathing is all going to pot, I get in such a state I forget to breath and then have a full blown panic attack.
I keep having really horrible thoughts, lots of what if's and i still come to the same conclusion.

Pyschologist has been soo nice, has probably done much more than she should have, and I am grateful as she probably has kept me alive, but it hurts so much that she cares, that I'm letting her down,
I dont want her to care, or anyone else because its showing me what I missed growing up, I dont know how to react, how to deal with it, I just know it hurts so badly.

I have the psychiatrist tomorrow so all of this may be took out of my hands, which in a way I wish they would then I dont have to make the decision, I dont have to break my childrens hearts by sending them to their dads where they aren't wanted but then I still have to live with all this, all the pain and hurt and confussion from what I've done, what I let them do :(

It's very sad that you've been hurt so badly you don't know how to cope when someone genuinely cares for you. I hope that you will come to understand and accept that what happened to you in the past was not your fault.

If you do have to let your children stay with their Dad for a while it may be for the best for all of you in the long run, so that you can have intensive support to address and heal from the trauma you have suffered. Then you will be in a better place to look after your children.

If you're worried about DD's medical needs you could ask for her consultant to write to a paediatrician in the area she will be staying in, so that if she needs an appointment they know about her. If you have a children's community nurse you could ask her to contact the service in that area.

Take care, and I hope your appointment tomorrow goes well.

rhks what part of the country are you ?

GRW unfortunately I can see exactly why RHKS is so hesitant letting the kids stay with the ex :(

RHKS I will say this until I'm blue in the face and beyond - none!!!! of what happened was your fault. Simply none. But from the place where you are you cannot see that. And that again is their fault. They have made sure that this is all you have ever known from such a tender age.

One day you will see that people like your psych, and me and others caring fro you is a good thing.

For now I do hope that the psychiatrist takes that decision tomorrow, so it is out of your hands and not your fault (although you will probably find a way of making it your fault in your head!!)

Let me know how it goes if you can xxx

RHKS - would you consider allowing the children to be cared for by foster carers, just while you are so ill. It could be done with your agreement, so there would be no question of the children not being returned to you. At least you would know they are safe. After all if you had been the victim of a road traffic accident and needed hospital care, there woud be no decision to make. It's worthy of consideration isn't it.

NanaNina, I wish that was a possibilty, but unfortunately it isn't.
Their dad has PR and uses it against me, uses it to get what he wants when he wants.
Social work 2 years ago were willing to give me 1 night a week respite for my daughter, as her behaviour was having a significant effect on my mental health and other stuff had happened.
It was hoped that the 1 night a week would help her, hopefully let her open up about what she was going through and what had happened to her, I did agree to it, social work assured me they could go over him and if going to court would make him agree to it then they would, but he wouldnt budge and they gave up, so she now has the same issues, social work aren't interested in helping us stay together, their answer has always been their dad has PR they will go to him.

If he didn't have PR then they would go to fostercare and I may have been fixed by now, but he just wont let it happen.

nokissymum I'm in Scotland

GRW Her dad isn't interested in whats wrong with her, what help she needs, and how her illness affects me and mine her, she wouldn't get the help she needs there, she has come back from weekends there and had to go straight to hospital because she wasn't well, but he said she was fine
their stepmum doesn't like them, and makes it clear to them she doesn't want them there so.

It's all a mess, I wish it could be simple, just once but it wont be.
I'm so tired of it all, I feel like the walking dead, I'm here in body but the rest has gone, too many things and people in my head, it hurst so badly, the damage I have done to my kids because I'm such a screwup, I am what they say/said I was, it just wont go away no matter what I do :(

There must be a way of getting appropriate care for your children so that you can get the hospital care you need. If their Dad and stepmum don't meet her medical needs then that is neglect, and you could use that to argue with the social work team that foster care would be a better option.

If they are old enough to express their opinion and don't want to be with their Dad or disrupt their schooling that should be taken into consideration too.

I hope that you can find a solution that allows you to get the care you deserve, so that you can eventually be free of the horrible thoughts in your head.

I think I'm going mad, so much has happened in the space of a week.
Been home from hospital 2 days after I collasped last week with accute tonsilitus, haven't managed any of my normal medicines since last Monday as my throat was so sore, only managed my antibiotics because they were IV while I was in hospital.
Couldnt take my antibiotics when I came home as they were soo big and I couldnt put them in my mouth let alone swallow them.
Gp was leaving a prescription for my son to pick up for liquid antibiotics today but he wouldnt go for it, and only informed me there that he wasn't so its too late to go get it myself.
My throat is starting to get really sore again, head is pounding because i haven't managed any of my other tablets, cant eat or drink, cant put anything in my mouth without being sick,
ex is being an arse because i was in hospital for a few days last week, it all feels like its fallen so far apart that there is no fixing this.

When I was in hospital I didn't want to come home to the kids, didn't want them at all, my daughter was with me when I collasped in the hospital and was put on oxygen really ill, I didnt care, I'm such a crap mum, didn't even think or care where they would stay while i was there, I just wanted to die, I could hear in the backround someone shouting cardiac arrest and alarms going off and i so wanted it to be me, wanted it to be me that was dying but it wasn't, I woke up, they helped me.

It just seems so wrong that its me still here and the good people that aren't :(

Glad to see you here Rhksmum, but sorry you're feeling so bad. Your children need you, your exes OH doesn't want them around, so if anything happens to you they go into care. Stay strong.

She says she cares, she says I'm worth helping, am not who I see myself as, so why cant I see it
Why cant I accept what she says?
Why is it so hard?
Why cant she see me how I see me?

I dont want to hurt her feelings or dismiss what shes saying but I struggle to see what she sees, maybe I dont want to, maybe I'm so messed up that it's never going to be possible.
She asked if I wanted to reduce the sessions so I didn't feel over whelmed but I managed to tell her no, that i need to just keep going no matter how painful it gets, as if I stop now thats it, its over.

I burnt my hand last night and I dont know if it was on purpose or by accident, I knew what I was doing but I couldn't stop it. It is easier to explain a burn to the kids than a cut.

I'm struggling to see a point anymore, see why I need to carry on?
Yes I know my kids need me, but do they Do they really?
I only screw them up more, screw up more than I could ever imagine.
It's all so dark, it hurts so much, every time I breath it reminds me I'm still alive and I dont want to be :(

Rhksmum,

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Sorry I can't think of anything to say, feeling pretty shit too. Just keep going, one day at a time and keep trying to get that help. Big love.

That's exactly it - exactly what I've been telling you for a long time now - you are not as you see yourself! I see something totally different. And I'm glad she does too. And glad that you found it in you to ask her to stick to weekly xxx

You are showing courage in continuing to engage with therapy, and it seems that you are starting to believe that your kids need you, that other people genuinely care for you and that your perception of yourself is not how others see you.
Come and talk to us on here at any time if it helps x

I'm trying so hard to see myself in my childrens future but all I see is an empty space, I dont exist anymore in their lives.
For a while I could see myself, I wasn't involved but I was there, but its fading, I'm fading.
You're all right my kids do need a mum, just not this one.
I dont have the Midas touch where I turn everything to gold, I turn everything to crap, damage everything, taint everything.

I wish my psychologist would give up on me, it hurts soo much to think I'm wasteing her time, it hurts to think she cares, it all hurts.

I'm on my own this weekend as kids are at their dads and oldest is out with his friends, I have been googling how to not be here, how to make it less painful for the kids.
I know you will say nothing ever will but I guess I needed to try and find some hope, hope that eventually they will forget me. They have been damaged soo much by me.

My daughters counsellor informed me yesterday that I have to stop talking about what she does to me infront of her, that she is her advocate and thinks it isn't doing her any good bringing it up, so now I have another dirty little secret to keep, now someone else can hurt me and its ok, I knew it was ok anyway, I mean why else would she do it, why else would they do it, thats right because I allow them to.

Stop googling stuff like that - it normalises it and it isn't normal. Have you got something you can do today while you are child free that will help? What DOES help? Go for a run/walk/swimming etc? x

I think you know that you not being here would damage your kids more. Your not wasting anyone's time. Your psychologist believes in you, and I hope that you can gradually learn to believe in yourself too.

I hope your child free weekend has given you some time for yourself, and that you haven't felt too lonely x

Hi OP, sorry that you are feeling so bad.

I wondered if you have tried the ice "trick"? It can be useful when you want to self-harm, you get ice cubes and hold them. It can give you similar feeling of relief as cutting or burning.

You say you are worried about being admitted because you don't have anyone you can trust to take your kids - where will your children go to live if you take your own life? Can you hold on to the thought that actually they ARE better off with you, as you have described in your earlier posts. Their dad sounds like a dick, you sound like a loving mother who is having some struggles - there is no shame in that.

Please understand I am not trying to guilt you into staying alive, just pointing out that you are clearly the better parent for your DC.

I know this is so hard for you. If you are struggling to make it through the day/night, try phoning Samaritans at regular intervals for short chats. They will not mind (you may get the odd eejit but what organisation is eejit free?), that is why they are there. All the people on the end of the phone there have chosen to listen to people in distress like you. Don't worry if you don't feel like talking.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, there will be a breakthrough at some point and you will be able to come back from this, as others say they have been there! Lots of love and best wishes.