I'm done with life

[Rhksmum]

That's it really

It's too hard, too many feelings, too many thoughts, scarey thoughts.
Struggling to cope with even just breathing, everything else has just gone out the window.

Am such a crap mum, have no sympathy left for my daughter who had an operation 2 weeks ago and is still recovering. she has been unwell for so long I cant deal with it anymore.
I've managed 6 hours sleep in the past week, think I'm on borrowed time.

Cpn cancelled on Tuesday, no appointment with her for another week and a bit, Psychologist cancelled this morning, although I did get 10 minutes with her, she wanted me to see the duty worker or the crisis team but I couldn't face seeing them, just sat and cried then came home and cut myself to bits.

Finally admitted defeat and phoned the Dr so am seeing her tomorrow, but she doesn't know me, normally I take my daughter to see her as she is really good with her, now shes having a flakey because thats her Dr and I'm not allowed to see her.

Feel so sick, head is starting to pound, am sore all over, too many flashbacks, cant keep myself grounded, tears just wont stop.

I'm sorry
:(

Flipping phone,
Hungry I can't deal with it.

My youngest 2 go to their dads on Wednesday for 5 days so I will be on my own as my oldest will be out and about with his friends.

It's hard to put on a happy face at Christmas when in your mind it is associated with traumatic experiences. I'm sure you'll try to make it positive for your children, but it doesn't have to be perfect. I hope that when they are with their Dad you get the chance to have some time for yourself.

If they complain about being hungry, throw some chocolate at them and if you really have to some fruit to balance it out a bit![Smile] Hope you manage to get through, less than twenty four hours and it will all be over for another 364 days!

The last few months have been hell for me, my family have been wonderful today isn't helped by the fact that my last counselling session was Friday I have just planned to be simple this year hopefully make up for it next year. Hope you have as good a day as possible. x

Stupid me, fell asleep for 10 minutes earlier woke up in a panic, not cant sleep, cant think straight.
wee ones are away to their dads until next week, my oldest is at his friends for the night so its just me, alone with my thoughts, a weeks worth of meds and feeling really scared.

I have my Cpn in tomorrow and I dont want to see her, dont know what to say to her, how to explain whats going on.
I'm worried she will get fed up of me, I'm fed up of me so why shouldnt she be.

I dont even know what the point in this is, have soo man things going round my head, thoughts, feelings, images, none of it makes sense, not sure I even want it to because if it does it makes me an evil, disgusting, dirty person :(

I am sorry it's so hard, and I hope you did manage to get some sleep last night. You probabaly need a break from your kids, but it's lonely when they're away as well.
Your CPN won't get fed up with you, it may be hard to talk to her but I hope you feel you can be honest.
Evil and disgusting things may have been done to you, but that doesn't make you evil or bad. As others have said before it was not your fault, but I'm not sure you believe that. I hope that in time the images will fade and you will be able to deal with them without feeling scared by them.
Take care, and keep talking to us if it helps x

How did the CPN appointment go?

Dont think I did too well with Cpn on Thursday, I did try and tell her how I was feeling, but not sure it came out right.
Saw psychololgist on Friday which was a really hard session, too many tears, she held my hand, she hugged me, but I still hate myself.
It was strange because she asked if she could touch my hand, if she could hug me, something that was never done before. I just nodded that it was ok but dont know if it was :(

The wee ones are still away and my oldest is at his friends for the night so its just me here myself. Already cried down the phone to R/C but the images and feelings wont go away.

I had a letter in from the Gp this morning telling me there is a problem with my liver so have to go back for more blood tests, guess I really have f*cked up this time, although maybe there is room for improvement :(

Im sorry your having a crap time , sending you the biggest virtual hug I am able to send x

A self inflicted problem or a could have happened to anyone problem? But if they have found something then hopefully they will be able to treat it and that might help things?
As for your pysch, did you feel that she should not have been giving comfort like that or was it because you felt that you didn't deserve the comfort? It's very hard to stand by and watch someone who is so visibly distressed.
I hope tomorrow is a better day x

Thinking of you, and I'm sorry that things are still so hard. The relationship you have with your psychologist is key to your healing, as you clearly trust her enough to share really painful stuff with. Of course you are worthy of being comforted, and being able to accept hugs feels like progress.

Medication can effect liver function tests, but hopefully won't cause any serious problems.
I hope you have a better day x

Why do I always manage to say or think the wrong thing?
After last weeks session with psychologist I completely shut down, I couldn't and didn't want to feel pain like that again, so yesterday I went vowing to say the bare minimum, to not feel anything, not to cry and I thought I had done an ok job but I crumbled when she hugged me at the end and came home and fell apart :(

I thought in the session she had said that she was finishing seeing me and paniced and again shut down, I told her I didnt think I would ever come back to this if I stopped now and she said ok the balls in my court I'm in charge.

I spent most of the afternoon in tears, panicing not really knowing what she meant so I phoned her and asked her and she said no she meant that I didnt have to talk about the bad bits of my past all the time, that I could slow it all down as she was worried about me but was glad that I had phoned to clear it up.
I ended up in tears down the phone to my ex which is something I told myself I would never do ever again and now I feel more vulnerable, he now has stuff he could use if he wanted but I just fell apart and now I cant stick myself back together anymore.

I'm trying so hard not to read into things that are not there but it's not working :(

It sounds so hard; I'd like to send you a hug too. It sounds as if you could do with someone other than your ex you can talk to in between your sessions to help you cope with the painful emotions that come up. It's good that she is giving you permission to take things more slowly, and you are showing a lot of courage in sticking with it.
I hope things get better soon x

Thank you for the hug.
Yes she said on thursday that I really needed to speak to someone after a tearful phonecall to her but I didn't feel I could be a burden to anyone, and when my ex phoned to ask about the roof and how I got on with the council I went to pieces, something even when we were together I never managed to do, his answer was to go take some extra pills and calm down :(

I just wish I could go back to the way it was when I didn't feel anything, where when or if I talked about things they would still fit neatly in the box and stay perfect on the shelf, but it doesn't anymore and I'm scared.

I go from being soo angry, smashing things, throwing things, screaming and shouting to a sobbing heap on the floor.
All these emotions get so jumbled up and come out at the wrong time, I dont recognize myself anymore and I'm scared :(

You are experiencing very powerful emotions as you know you can't put things back in a box, and you must be exhausted from feeling so scared for so long. I hope you have at least one friend you can talk to without feeling that you are a burden. I am sorry it is so hard x

I thought I did :(

I feel the same floodgates have been opened can't close them although I've been told it will get better one day.

thats what they tell me too, I just dont know if I can hang on any more though :(

I have a possible court case to deal with scared as shit going backwards atm x

Hugs,
Mine never got that far, Not sure I how I would have coped with it going further.

Hey you both - hang in there - yes I know it's me telling you it will get better because that's my experience.

I'm here for both of you and you know that too xx

and I put myself through this because.....oh yeah because I love to be shat on, love to be told I'm doing a crap job with my kids, why do they need to state the obvious, I know I'm a crap mum, know my kids would be better without me.
I'm trying so hard to fix everyone but I cant anymore, I guess being reminded in rl that your failing at every turn doesn't help either.

You can't fix everyone and you don't have to fix everyone. If only you would focus on fixing yourself jsut for a while...

its too hard though, especiallty when your reminded constantly what a mess your making of being a mum, that I need to stop thinking of myself and worry about the kids.

Am so sick of it all, I cant do right for doing wrong :(

When you feel better you will be better able to cope with the kids and their needs, and I'm sure no one thinks they'd be better off without you. You are not a crap mum, just distracted by everything else you are dealing with. I'm sorry you haven't got good real life support today, but keep talking to us on here if it helps x