Keziah, City, Choc et al support thread

[Keziahhopes]

Hi - found us a new home. Just didn't like the title of my old thread - and have found your support so helpful but would also like this thread to be less egocentric .

Choc -hope cbt assessment goes well.

City - how are you doing?

My physio exercises are helping me, but don't see stroke consultant until beginning of July. Still not had OT assessment, but dont' think will need it by then - just been horrible for dh to do everything for me since Easter. Now more independend - just had my first shower by myself!!

It sometimes dawns on me , choc- I ask dh if I'm being teased !
I agree about there being lots to do at home - because I need lots of sitdowns I get hours of reading done on the net , bliss . ( I do have goals though , don't worry )
I made your glorious bhajis , Keziah & we absolutely loved them . Thank you for mentioning greasing tin & how quick they are to make , as I felt much less daunted . They're going to be a regular fixture here nowe & am delighted with how cheap they are , as you say . Made more of your fab lentil bol the other day , too .

Am more than impressed at your toils today choc , am dumbfounded at how much you managed. Very interesting about the MIND drop -in - brave to try it & hope you get a lot from it . Was there a central volunteer / staff member with people dropping in for tea & a chat ? I'd like to go to a group for people with social " awkwardness" , AS etc & have found details of one , though I don't think I 'm ready to go yet - there are still lots of questions / others' experiences I need to read up on , before I offend other shy people soI'm clear what I'm trying to achieve .

Sympathies with house needing lots of work - hardly surprising after such a long time of difficulty . Ah , this garden has v fertile soil , ancient compost heap (it wouldn't be affordable to grow much otherwise ) & I use lots of containers to improve the survival rate . The front garden is sandy like yours( cement , really , hopefully yours noot ) & marigolds , poppies . hollyhocks , nasturtiums , love -in - the mist & pansies tolerate it - dd might like them & all cheap from seed if slugs don't get them em ...just get her to sow them randomly

Thank you so much for all the good wishes , & with luck I'll plod on with appts for a few months now . If it goes wrong , they'll stall / have to be repeated < skype -style "tedium" emoticon > Hope your appts won't be too stressful , Keziah, & that you don't have any horrid preg symptoms . Is it right that the worst of the exhaustion is in the first trimester ? < awed by pg people >

Peaceful night & a good day to you both tomorrow xx

City - oh SO glad you liked the onionn bhaji's and dh too, he may give you more onions now!! Isn't it good to double the quantity, say, and freeze lots for days with no energy! Yes and once you have the ingredients in they are very cheap..... I have learnt to buy red chillis in a pack and freeze what I don't want and same with coriander, so it is just there without having to chop again or go to shops just for those fresh ingredients!!

Had 2 good energy days and did some work ready for going back to work and some housework. For now I am trying to do the cooking, if i do anything else it is a bonus. And dh has said if all I do is the cooking he will wash up, clear kitchen of my prep mess etc, so it has given me more confidence to start something and not worry if I don't finish it. I think stroke recovery and exhaustion from this trimester has not helped. Otherwise am doing ok - 12 weeks next week, so worried all is ok which I think is fuelling my anxiety really... that and no meds whatsoever, eek!!

choc - am very impressed with all what you did! Great you have drop in facilities to go to also, hope that helped.

Ooh city did you get to freeze any of the lentil bolognaise this time grin] ?? xxx

Oooh we're all synchronised with our 'good' days . So Keziah is impressed with Choc for all she achieved yesterday, Choc is impressed with Keziah (for cooking food and generally being busy during her 1st trimester!) and City (for making onion bhajis soooo quickly and with home dug onions!); and City is impressed with Choc (being busy) and Keziah (awe of pg people (women?! ). This is a true mutual appreciation club .

Yes my soil is quite sandy, and I've got a lot of concrete in the back garden but I try not to dig that bit up (dd does though). I'm not very good with flowers city . Daffodils are my limit. But I know dd would like them so maybe I could get her to throw some of recommended seeds into the 'wild er' part of the garden.

The drop-in session was good. I've known about it for months but it took a lot of working up to so think I know how you might be feeling city. You should definitely give one a go if you can. This one had two staff members.

Keziah I think it's great that you get to make a load of mess in the kitchen and dh comes along and tidies it all up . I wish I had one of those. I hate washing up with a vengeance. Sometimes I don't cook because I don't want to have to wash up afterwards . I haven't made a date yet to make bhajis but I hope to get to it soon as I'm feeling left out (again!) [note to city I'm teasing ]. xx

Mutual appreciation club indeed
Ah , thanks for elaborating about the drop - in choc , & you were too modest to say before that you'd spent ages building up to it , well done . Hope you find people whose experiences you can relate to . . The support group I'm thinking of trying isn't a drop -in , but more structured , so I need to find out a bit more about the various causes of social awkardness before inflicting myself on other members !

Brilliant to hear you've been managing work preparation & housework too during a brief spell of less fatigue, Keziah . Yes , I'll get more of those lovely onions now - much better use of the flavour than the usual boring ways of using them . Have ever been sure whether chillies freeze Ok , so thank you for that too . Only managed to freeze any of the latest batch of your lentil bol cos I made even larger quantities ... very , very moreish

Am going to try that idea of asking dh to help clear up if I zonk before finishing tasks so that I can feel more confident starting the more tiring jobs - he did that with the spring cleaning where necessary but other tasks are awkward to leave halfway through ... ah , what larks .
Absolutely amazing that you've managed all this time withouut any meds , & I so hope your anxiety will begin to lessen soon .

Thank you for indulging me about flowers , choc , & at least you won't "have" to sow any seeds till spring - unless you fancy putting in some bulbs soon , which is a safmore likely to result in blooms than seeds . < guiltily plots less fallible methods of cultivation to avoid disappointing choc's dd >

Lovely weekend to you both xx

Aargh!! Today I'm feeling so rubbish. Just want to hide away somewhere. Have been really snappy with dd and now mum has taken her off my hands for the night. Have forced myself on here so I really don't just crawl away somewhere. Don't know if it was a good idea dd staying night away as I'm here alone now. Don't think I can sleep but suppose it's early yet. The panic has set in again but according to my cbt counsellor, my problem is I don't problem-solve. My mum is going home next Saturday and I've been trying to ignore this since I found out a few days ago. Now I can't ignore it any longer - it's all I'm thinking about. She's been so much help for months I don't know how I'm going to manage without her. Days like this I just feel like I'm fighting to stand still . Also really stressed about work again. Just seems like I'll never find another job, or be convincing enough to get someone to employ me, but everytime I think about going back to the one I've got I feel all anxious and weepy. I think I've been burying my head in the sand. This year is going so fast, it's almost winter again and I don't know if I'm ready for it. And then there are days like the last couple and I think "so what's the problem?".

Ok rant over. I await tomorrow with anticipation. Hope your start to weekend was better than mine xx

So sorry you're feeling panicked , choc . It does sound to me as if you're very self-aware and more so by the day , so if it proves easier to find a new job than you're fearing -listen to you worrying about convincng at interview - and you successfully appeal for more therapy , I think you'll feel better than you have this year - think you'll feel better even without either of those , truly .

. Sometimes IME awful mh upheaval is a result of personal evolution - soorry to be annoying - and maybe that's what's happening now . Really feel for you missing your mum's support .
Sorry , mad rush , but will blook out for posts and be thinking of you xxx

Sorry a hard day and night choc. Could you remind yourself that you have more good days than bad now. I hope sun is better for you. Perhaps you can arrange to visit your mum if she isn't so near? Thinking of you. Good that you made yourself mn so not totally shut down.

I have a few days without Internet access now so hope some better times ahead. Xx

Thinking of you , choc & agree you did so well to manage to post when feeling like you were .

Am not surprised you feel nervous / panicky at the thought of not having your Mum close by to take dd if needed , & wonder what standby strategies you could try for such occasions , which will lessen . ( I know I know , if you had any standby strategies you wouldn't be worrying ) .
I know you might not want to post but will check , & you can always PM if you prefer xx

Hope Keziah has a lovely , peaceful few days

city and Keziah thank you for kind words. I managed to get through last night - I watched the Lion, the witch and the wardrobe as a distraction (my first viewing ). But I didn't sleep until after 3am so it was good thing dd wasn't home as I got to lie in until 11am which was blissful. Since then I've just been trying to keep myself busy and have only just sat down. Things are ok if I don't have time to think. But then if i don't think about things I can't problem-solve. And if I don't problem-solve, the problems remain and I get anxious about them and then panic. Hmm. Yes very self-aware but seemingly not capable of preventing self-destruct mode.

I do feel like running off with mum but she lives much of the year abroad and I think that would be quite disruptive for schooling. Alas there is no easy answer. Standby strategies are limited to two sets of people but I know I'll have to use it sparingly otherwise they'll get fed up of me . I just don't want my mh to go backwards. I don't think I could face the fight to get to where I am now from January again. I've undoubtedly improved (except my memory - e.g. I didn't eat last night. I put my food in the microwave and then forgot. I found it this morning when I was going to eat breakfast.) Sometimes I struggle to remember if I've taken meds or not (unfortunately my blister packs don't have the days of the week on - not that that would necessarily help. I tried to go to the library at a time when it was closed because I'd thought it was a different day. I could go on but I've forgotten!!) Sorry another epic from me . Think it is helping though keeping ranting talking like this .

Keziah hope you have a quiet internet-free few days.

xx to you both

You're doing brilliantly choc !!!! That's really good you got through last night ( lovely film ) . I think you can find a way that works for you of spending specific time problem - solving , then getting back to your tasks . This can take practice as your mind may decide to create obstacles to that time , but it's a good strategy for many people , me included .

Many sympathies on the memory problems , which could be the anxiety / depression , the stressful circumstances & maybe the meds . I have to have a system of re -checking everything for safety's sake ( something else for you to worry about now , sorry ) < offers choc a notebook & pen on a chain to put round neck >

Sorry , would respond to more of what you've said but have mild migraine . Agree that chatting here seems to be clarifying your thoughts . Hope you do get to sleep a bit earlier .
You really are doing amazingly well , but sometimes having / recovering from depression etc is like being in a deep pit for months so please don't let the worst feelings scare you too much ... jumbled post , sorry xxx

It means a lot you posting when you've got a migraine. I would have struggled to look at a computer had it been me. Hope it hasn't developed into a more serious one and that you were able to have a good day.

I'm all quiet on the thoughts front at the moment (I'm thinking of it as a bit of a break!) though today I've been feeling a bit disconnected. I did go out for a long walk so it's not like I've been stuck indoors all day by myself. I also went into town to buy gram flour for the bhajis and came back without it. So at the notebook and pen on a chain! I feel for you having to re-check everything. I've gone through stages of doing this with doors, windows and the gas hob but fortunately it's never lasted long so don't worry you haven't worried me . xx

So happy to hear how well you're doing , choc - this is making me feel extra optimistic < bounce bounce > Maybe your brain is actively trying to give you a rest from the thoughts , as you say , & the slight disconnectedness is a side effect . I get that effect , quite markedly , for those reasons .

Oh nooo at forgetting the gram flour I do this all the time . Good that you like long walks , as I find ithey have a massive effect on state of mind when you're already trying everything else to feel better . Please don't forget any more meals in your microwave as solid , sensible dinners can definitely help you feel more grounded .

Glad I didn't actually worry you about forgetting to turn things off / lock doors etc . I panic about everyone else as am so hapless even with doublechecking !

Had lovely peaceful afternoon , visiting a couple of old churches in nearby countyside < grateful & soothed > Humbled by what hard lives our foreparents had , while I swan around these lovely villages as if they're a theme park ...
Hope you have a good day tomorrow , & thanks for posting today xx

PS Thank you ,it wasn't a terrible migraine but was affecting my writing . Sympathies that you suffer too .

Hello - back in the land of the internet (was sadly not having peaceful time, just no computer access) but hey!

Choc - I too forget so much. I have to actually write lists and tick things off. I used to forget to do things when cooking but someone suggested setting the oven timer (for eg) to beep everytime i needed to switch pasta off, switch oven off et (after burning rice with no water in the pan!!!) and I find that really helps. When I have no motivation to do things I say I will do zyx until the oven beeps - usually 5 or 10 minutes and then stop (eg washing up!)

Hi again Keziah, hope your time without computer access wasn't too non-peaceful. Do you think your forgetfulness is meds related? I just don't remember ever being this bad before. I've always had a problem with longer-term memory but not short/medium.

city your church visits does sound very soothing. If I ever think about my parents/foreparents and what a hard life they had I feel ashamed about my "struggles". But then I guess back then people with mh issues were institutionalised so I guess I would have been locked up and out of society's way .

The weather was pants here today so spent all of about 7 mins outside. Really missing my walk. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit drier, but in any case I have to do the nursery run. Must remember gram flour too. (Oops took notepad off to go in the bath. Can't remember where I put it ) xx

Sorry to hear your break wasn't tranquil , Keziah ... was it family by any chance - would be how I'd feel after visiting somey of mine - sympathies , whatever the cause .

Hope you get more relaxation at home . Good tips on setting timer for tasks on bad days - I too find that allowing myself to stop after a certain time makes it bearable to start the chore .

You're teasing me about the notebook , choc ! < procures choc some long johns , water repellant jogging suit and giant sou 'wester with chin strap > Yes , good sign that you missed your run . Hope you enjoy your bhajis after your efforts to get the gram flour . You sound as though you're doing really well , & must be making a massive effort to be so positive ( I know you always make the effort to be positive .. I just mean that I'm sure it's had to be a big effort for you to be managing so well ).

Oh no , I nearly deleted that bit about our poor ancestors in case you thought that way ! No no sorry , didn't mean to sound like that..... Yep , I've often imagined a lifetime shut away for my mental & physical insufficiences . What also upsets me though is the endless childbearing women went through , & all the resulting medical problems they had no operations for . Women go through all that & still are the less respected gender ...

Had restful day as dh taking enough of his annual leave that we haven't got that feeling of pressure to try too hard to enjoy every second !

Hope you both have a good day tomorrow xx

Aaargh!!!!! I forgot the gram flour again! This is beyond a joke. I didn't even remember! It was reading your post city that alerted me. And I walked straight past the shop after doing the nursery run. My excuse is it wasn't a good morning (or afternoon). Dd was being a complete little s* (she ran out into the road without looking so I think I'm allowed to call her that!). Also woke up really, really tired and have been generally tearful . I didn't manage to make any dinner. But apart from that I'm managing really well . (See sense of humour intact ). And of course now I'm wide awake [sighs] - I really thought I'd cracked this sleep thing. Oh well at least I did lots of walking. It seems to be one of the only thing that's helping. But it is time consuming and I wouldn't have time to walk as much if I was at work.

Congrats on the restful day. I'm going to try for one of those tomorrow. Hopefully Keziah will too. xx

choc hope you can make yourself some food, whatever it is to help you have the strenght to get through a bad day. Don't worry about forgetting something, I went shopping as needed teabags, got lots of things not needed, but teabags??!!!

Walking is good. Hope today is restful for us all.

I'm doing ok today. I even remembered the gram flour [loads of applause]. Hope you get your teabags soon Keziah.

I might be a bit elusive the next few days while I adjust to the next phase without mum . It's come round too fast. I keep giving myself pep talks. Let's hope they work .

< huge round of applause > Excellent , choc ! You'll enjoy the results .

Hope you find the next few days go OK & I'm sure you'll handle any shaky bits well . I would feel nervous in that position too . Will send positive thoughts .

Oh yes , I know how it is when you miss meals by accident & it's really strength - sapping . Aaaargh at dd running right into the road & thank goodness she was OK .

Best not offer you a then , Keziah ? Perhaps you have pregnancy - related memory loss - what joy . Hope you 're sleeping OK & the anxiety is at a bearable level .

I myself ages hours today looking for something I put away safely < volunteers for memory pills trial >

Hope we all have a positive day tomorrow xx

Well a great day hear, two good physical hospital appointments (one was a scan ) and a friend came round to distract me inbetween!!

Tv dinner and dvd now I think as tired, but happy

Hope all good for you both xx

< somersaults & cartwheels for Keziah > So thrilled to hear you had another lovely scan & your other appt was OK too . Yay for friend coming over to cheer you .

I should hope you would be relaxing after that exhausting day , & hope you have a very peaceful weekend .

Cheering you on , choc, & hope that high stress levels won't have you feeling disproportionately rotten when little things go "wrong" . Your dd will probably be grouchy that her playmate Granny's gone , so I hope weekend turns out better than you expect . I think there's rain due , not the best thing for your walks , so hope you get a bit of mind - clearing activity in some form .
Lovely weekend to you both xxx

Four days and counting! I'm surviving. No major upsets so far and dd is surprisingly happy (yes city I was dreading the 'missing playmate granny bit). But then she's dead excited about starting school. Fortunately, I'm more relaxed about school now I'm off work and hopefully it will give me a chance to recover.

Glad your scan went well Keziah. Are you starting to bloom yet?

Hope you both had a good weekend. I'd actually forgotten it was bank holiday (not that it makes any difference to me anymore!). I'm just taking one day at a time. The start of each is hard-going now the days are getting shorter, but I'm hanging in there. We even managed to go blackberry picking yesterday and then made apple and blackberry crumble xx

Fab to hear you doing so well , choc , & that dd is so excited about starting school Really good news .

Sympathies for the difficult starts of the days & I hope yours measured outlook & consistent achievements will have boosted your confidence massively .

What lovely time you 're spending with dd , good memories as Keziah says . < drooling at thought of apple & Blackberry crumble > We have quite a food theme going , haven't we

I'm well thanks & getting on with loads of bits & pieces but really sorry for dh who's got a sudden bad back .
Thinking of you as always , Keziah, & hoping you are indeed feeling bloomy .

Morning - forgot to say I probbably won't have net access for a couple of days but will be sending loads of positive wishes , especially for the dc of the thread

choc - glad starting school is a good distraction for your dd... and I guess granny will return for a visit as some point?? Picking blackberries is a lovely thing to do I think. .

city - have a nice time, thanks for positive wishes - much appreciated for bump!!

I can't say I am blooming, sadly - very spotty and bizarrely had some very very tired days, needing naps - not good with work starting next week again!!