Keziah, City, Choc et al support thread

[Keziahhopes]

Hi - found us a new home. Just didn't like the title of my old thread - and have found your support so helpful but would also like this thread to be less egocentric .

Choc -hope cbt assessment goes well.

City - how are you doing?

My physio exercises are helping me, but don't see stroke consultant until beginning of July. Still not had OT assessment, but dont' think will need it by then - just been horrible for dh to do everything for me since Easter. Now more independend - just had my first shower by myself!!

. Thanks city I haven't been described as having "patience" for a very long while . Great for my self esteem though. I do understand about the family ishoos and I guess I just need to work on becoming "radicalised". I had another minor disagreement of ideas with mum today over meds and being signed off work ("oh if work didn't know before [about my mh] they do now" and she's all doom and gloom about the fact that I'm taking meds (soon to be upped)). And I'm pretty sure it isn't intentionally designed to make me feel like some inadequate, failed child but initially it does.

I love diazepam. Presumably it's ok with your heart condition. I too have had it prescribed but my gp is really tight with it . I've been refused before (she's concerned about addiction - but it gets to a point where I'd rather deal with potential addiction than real anxiety) and had to sneak behind her back [wailing like an addict!!] to another gp. But in my defence I don't use it every day or even every week. My anxiety hasn't been too bad today (either that or I've got used to it again). I managed some "me" time on the park while dd was at nursery so that was nice.

Hope you've had a good day (and Keziah too) xx

I'm sure you ' re patience itself with your small , & characterful dd , choc [ grin]. I 'm embarrassed as I thought she was a couple of years past nursery age , sorry for misunderstanding ... even harder work for you atm , then .

Argh , your DM's comments were very tactless , especially when you'ove been feeling so awful . The work one was very ill -thought - out & negative . I can't believe some of the stuff my Mum's come out with over the years , despite her efforts to think things through - you just know their mums did the samre to them ! We will break the pattern ...

I'd definitely not advise taking diazepam routinely - same as I'm very concerned about people using a glass of to relax , but from my experience there are some consequences in using them more than occasionally - similar to smoking weed is the nearest I can think of . Agree in making own informed choices though , whereas in UK doctors treat us like small children ...

Hope Keziah is OK - bit worried last couple of days , but if something is not right then this thread would be the last thing she'd be thinking of , quite rightly . We're sending love as always , Keziah , and hoping you'ree simply enjoying some well -earned quiet time .

[Choc repeats: "I am a saint" to self ] Yes dd is unbelievable hard work - actually starting to think there is something wrong with her as she never shuts up talking! She starts school this September (gulp!) - God help the teacher!

Oh dear, mum's eh. I just posted a mum classic (from over a decade ago mind you) on another thread. I think it's that generation of just getting on with it. But yes we will break the pattern...

As for K, she should be nearing the end of her holiday break away. (Oops didn't realise you didn't know . I'm useless. Here's you worrying and she'd pre-warned me about not having internet access etc so I wouldn't worry. I'd just assumed you knew too. Forgive me). I'm sure the break is just what the doctor ordered .

Hope you had a pleasant day/evening x

That's brilliant about K's holiday !! Phew - & no probs,I lose track of that stuff all the time . I was a bit concerned but reckoned she was due a break !

Your dd sounds wildly intelligent rather than anything to be worried about - love " God help the teacher " . Can't imagine how tiring the summer holidays must be .

Oooh , haven't seen that thread & am sure will be horrified when I do ! Yes , many of them had very hard time in relationships & at work , with fewr options to change the situation . I've found my MIL , Mum & aunties are often truly resentful of our generation of women being treated fairly by male partners & having even basic rights like ML .

Hope you're sleeping better lately ? I managed two scary things related to health appts in recent days - thank you for all your support . Got scarier stuff coming up soon if I don't bottle it Right , back to my unfinished chores before retiring ! Peaceful night

Weekend greetings! Is it welcome back to Keziah? Hope you had a relaxing break away.

city I'm not sure I want a wildy intelligent dd. Can I send her back?! It's not really the summer holidays for her as she attends a private nursery so attends part-time just as if I was going to work. But also with my mum in town it's been less tiring (depression/anxiety aside) than normally would be the case as she's had her to stay and I've been able to do more "me" things. Or even just have a lie-in.

Wow you've done some more scary health appt related things. Glad to have helped [though not sure how ]. We're here if you need anything else . Is this the cluster of appts you talked about a while back and for which you've been observing how Keziah and I tackle? You won't bottle it. I've got an important(ish) appt next week where I've got to communicate what help I'd like as my cbt has been aborted (joint decision with counsellor). You would think I'd know exactly what I need but weirdly I'm unsure about it. However, at least I know I don't need any more cbt .

Weekend greetings , choc ! Sorry I've taken ages to send mine backk . Hope you've got bright sunshine round your way & have been having some more of this lovely time for yourself . Bet dd will help you in the garden if you pass her the rake . .
Of course nursery doesn't break up for summer - better for dcs' routine I 'd think , especiallyas dd is abdue t start school . Oh yes, I worded that badly about her personality - not surprised you be nervous of a "wildly intelligent " dd

Really hope that K has had a good week , beneficial for her anxiety & physical health . We 're thinking positive thoughts for you , Keziah

I know you & your therapist have to try to work out what to concentrate on in your / what techniques to try , choc - it's been weeks now of uncertainty for you . Will be sending all the usual uber positive vibes !

You & Keziah have been very inspiring as I think you're both fairly private people , cautious of overly formulaic treatments and of losing control of privacy . If you two can deal with mh / physical health care workers during times of high stress , I feel I can try too . Thank you for saying you're here if need further advice , heh heh . 3 terrifying people to face in 3 days this week , urgh . I'd rather be in the garden ...

Have lovely day , both of you < Skype dancing emoticons >

Waves Hello to you both. Sorry to worry you city - I did send you a pm, but you might not have got it before I went. A week away was good, very restful.

city - horrible appointments are horrible, so hope they are as good as possible and you can do something nice for you after they are over. That is how I cope = a nice bubble bath, or a takeaway as a treat, or a new book etc after such a nasty week!!

Choc - have you got work sorted now, are you "off"? xx

Welcome back , Keziah ! < waves frantically > Hope you're not too shattered after the journey back . Hope all that gren lushness was soothing for you both .

I'm so sorry I managed not to think to look at inbox for weeks one end & missed not only your very kind recent message , but the your news of your miracle !!! It made me tearful to hear you so full of wonder . Incredibly sorry I didn't say anything in reply

Deepest apologies to you ,choc , for missing your message fiilling me in about work situation - that made me feel emotional too , with rage for you . It means such a lot to me that you both tell me your news < still sniffly >

Oops , have accidentally " lost " your recent post Keziah so apologies for my sieve brain forgetting details . Thank you once more for your support with appts - serious ones now & I keep telling myself to appear calm & in control . Thinking of you this week choc for your mh appt to decide on course of your therapy ...

Peaceful evening to both .. really sweet Italian comedy ( well , very light comedy ) film on BBC4 just after 9 if you're not doing anything else xx

[Choc joins in with the waving...] Greetings and welcome back Keziah. Very pleased to hear you say "very restful".

Oh city sounds a potentially unpleasant week for you. Sending you very, very positive vibes to protect you from the 3 scary people. Yes being in the garden is much preferable. Beautiful sunshine today so me and dd have been out in it again (and yes she did help with the rake spooky that you wrote that!!).

Yes the work situation is rather emotional. I'm currently on sick leave. I keep veering between wanting to just walk away quietly and making a formal complaint. I hate unfairness and it's my natural tendency to challenge and fight but currently my mh wouldn't withstand making a formal complaint .

Hope you're enjoying the film - might check to see if it will be available on i-player, could do with a comedy xx

City - that is ok, glad you found my news eventually - has added to my anxiety obviously, and have weaned myself quicker off the venlaflaxine than I would have liked... one side effect for me being off it is anxiety, gah!

Choc - pretty dresses sound fun, she sure will not like them when she is older!! Great she is helping you in the garden, nice times. Hope your meeting this week goes well - although cbt aborted it is good they are asking you what help you would like/need (I have never been asked that) - so hope you can get something concrete to help you.

Choc - with work I know what you mean. I have done one formal complaint in my life and to be honest it was the most stressful and difficult time ever and made things worse . It is good you are on sick leave - you are entitled to it, work has made you so stressed... I guess when you have been on it a while you should be sent to occupational health (That is what work did to me) which was fantastic for me as I was able to say why I was off with (say stress) and the issues at work.... occupational health then supported me at work etc...... so if you get sent to occupational health try and see it as a positive. You could tell OH about how work was fine until restructuring happened, etc etc - it might help you get a job you like part-time when you are better (says Kezzie hopefully!!) xxx

right off to supermarket - am so anxious in house, keep pacing it, so hoping being out is ok, eek!

Keziah, wow thanks for the insight into formal complaints. Sorry though you had to go through it. I hadn't even considered that it could make things worse - only that I couldn't see how things could be made better :( I'm soooo not up for it. Bastards! Yeah I'm anticipating OH. I was referred years ago when off with depression and they wanted access to my medical records. I refused and then OH told me they couldn't help further without me allowing access! I will refuse access again so unless their policy has changed I'm not anticipating much 'help'. I would definitely consider redeployment elsewhere (so hopefully - but not holding out much hope ).

Today I had my meeting, and to be honest I wish I hadn't been asked about what help I'd like/need. As it turns out, my hopes have been raised unnecessarily . The outcome is that "it is down to me" and if I'm in crisis I'm to ring the Samaritans! (oh but I can self-refer again, presumably to access what I've had [shrugs]). Fortunately, I've since contacted my work-counselling scheme and I've been given (another) 6 sessions. This will have to be enough for someone to 'hold my hand' whilst I try to problem-solve my way into a fulfilling future free of anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts/attempts, self-harm, isolation etc etc .

Hope the supermarket had the desired effect. Though it would probably have the opposite effect on me, lol!

Hello to you to city. Hope you're psychologically prepping for your meetings. You can do it .

I'll be off to collect dd shortly but could definitely get used to this MNing during the daytime!! xx

Choc - OH never asked for my records at all.... I gave them a few letters out of my own free will, regarding physical health issues at that time. Perhaps OH will be different due to work restructuring issues this time - I am sure you are not the only one affected! As long as OH don't do anything they are "ok" if they will not help!!

Good you have those 6 sessions Choc. Why not ask for some counselling from your Gp - I think many gp practices have counsellors now. Mine does, nto that I can use it as "too severe" but then I always end up in the gap... mental health team turned me down for help as too ill, or not ill enough each time! You can tell OH you have used work counselling, that your NHS people will give you nothing etc - to show you are trying to recover. They may suggest something else. I am afraid I have never got anything, sigh... so can't offer many suggestions.

at MNing with Choc in the day!!

Well I have just made some onion bhaji's... a first!!

Been hoping your anxiety would ease bit this afternoon , Keziah - it does sound as if it's at a very high level indeed , must be awful . Sorry couldn't post earlier but tried to . .

Well done dealing with scary meeting , choc but what a disappointment . Am very upset on your behalf as you surely need services ? This is a blow to you when vulnerable .

Sorry too wiped out post more atm but sending calming thoughts to you both xx .

Thanks for dropping by city to say hello. Hoping it wasn't a meeting that has wiped you out. Sending you calming thoughts back .

Sorry Keziah I was following you until: "As long as OH don't do anything they are "ok" if they will not help!!" What did you mean? (Sorry, think I'm a bit mashed ). The suggestions are much appreciated thank you. So is there still no chance of you getting anything . Aren't they even a tiniest bit more interested now you're pregnant?

Onion bhajis sound fab - now that's something I've never made. Is there a machine that can make those, lol?!

Choc - sorry it was my bad sentence, not your brain. What I meant was you can hope they support you being off with stess caused by job changes and help you resolve your job offer etc. Or if not they just do nothing, which is ok also - as not cause you any more stress at this time.

Onion bhaji's have worked ok... hubby said they were a bit flat (mmm, yes they are so they cooked through)... no maching just fingers and a messy kitchen afterwards ... will post recipe for you soon to try!!

choc - interested, well if I actually told them they might me in a (knowing them!) get social services involved as doubt I can cope.... yet when it comes to proactive giving me treatment, ah... nope!!! But I will use that against them if they try and suggest I can't cope with a baby .... I have kept all correspondance turning me down for help etc!

city - anxiety not really go, going out helped but then I got tired. Not helped being on my own most of the week either I think. Ended up with a disagreement with dh tonight so on my own tonight as well, sigh.... Need diazepam but can't take it anymore, or any meds. So sorry to hear you so shattered - rest well, take good care and I hope it is not caused by one of those meetings you have. xx

Keziah, I get what you were saying now!

I hadn't thought about social services (call me naive ). Yep best to avoid but really unfair if it's all reactive interference. Though at least your DH would be there to cope with your baby even if (but am sure you'll be fine ) you couldn't.

I'm all diazepamed up right now so really feel for you not being able to take anything. I just needed a break from today's anxiety which has been bad but don't know why. Even when doing relaxing things like walking and reading a book I've been anxious.

Is your dh back home? Hopefully you'll be less anxious once he's back. Hope you ok.

I'd definitely welcome the onion bhaji recipe when you get a chance to post it. Something to keep me occupied during the day when dd at nursery (or school).

Here's hoping city is less wiped out than yesterday. Sweet dreams

Choc - will type up tomorrow for you. I actually find having no routine (ie work) really hard, hence me doing more cooking and baking etc with new recipes.

Have you found choc a routine (even if it is just changing dd's library books etc) because that might help reduce anxiety? Or a yoga or pilates class in the day when she is at nursery? Yes, very jealous of your diazepam. I talked with dh, things better now - he just doesn't understand why I am anxious.

Sweet dreams to you both xx

Glad things better now , Keziah , & that dh has a clearer idea now of the causes . Really feel for you with the anxiety -I have had long bouts like that too , & wouldn't have wanted to take anything while pg .

Sorry you're suffering the same way , choc .I used to find that once anxiety had been "going " for a sustained period , it took a long time for my body to stop being hypersensitive to triggers - it was as though I poured out adrenaline all day . It would usually damp down over weeks / couple of months , unless something like ( ahem ) my IBS was causing physical sympptoms that tended to trigger nausea , panic etc . Looking back , a lot of the panic attacks were physical in origin , mostly trivial things - any particular ailments that could be having the same effect on you two ? I know anxiety isn't the same thing as panic disorder so probably none of this applies

Although I did take a big prescription of diazepam for years , it was working wonders on my MS "jelly" feeling , which was the main reason for my using it . Wish I could have some more again for that reason ( for very occasional use ) & will broach it with doc eventually . < tummy rumbles looking forward to bhaji recipe >

Onion Bhaji's

Ingredients:
200g/ 8oz onions, sliced thinly (do not dice, you want semi circular shapes)
60g/2oz gram flour (chickpea flour - cheap to buy, if don't have guess could try plain flour?)
1tsp lemon juice
2tsp cumin
1tbsp ground coriander
1tsp chopped chilli
1tbsp chopped fresh coriander (I buy it from shop, chop it all and freeze it in little bags so always have it in, in freezer!)
1/4tsp baking powder
salt
fry light cooking spray (or could use olive oil)
pinch of paprika

Method:

1. Slice onions and put in a bowl with: flour, lemon juice, ground cumin, ground coriander and baking powder. Season with salt.
2. Add some cold water (about 4tbsp) to make a batter to cover onions.
3. Leave for 15mins, then mix again to coat onions.
4. Oven - heat to 220C/GM7. Use a baking tray (or 2!!) and using a spoon drop onion mixture onto tray (it is not meant to be a round ball but fairly flat so it cooks). Makes 12 small ones.
5. Spray with Fry Light (or drizzle with oil if not got fry light) and bake for 15-20 mins.
6. Sprinkle with paprika.

I did double quantities, so could freeze lots - as it took no longer than chopping one extra onion!!! It is really cheap to make - as I had everything in apart from buying 2 onions and the fresh coriander (but now have frozen coriander for next time). If you don't have a good quality baking tray might be worth greasing it with oil first to make washing them easier!!

Took me 15 mins to make, hardly any washing up and tastes yummy, so enjoy making :-) xx

OOOOh yum Keziah ! Thank you for typing out such a lot & in advance for the no doubt delicious end product . You're a far better cook than me - I've never formulated a proper recipe of my own , just experiment a bit . I d realise I had no idea at all how to make a bhajhi & wouldn't have attempted it without RL assurance that they actually work ! Told dh I'm planning to make them tomorrow & he was inspired to dig some of his own onions for them . They do look perfect for making in mega quantities for freezer

Hope you & choc are both feeling a little less anxious today ( alot more if possible ) & that you're not too exhausted etc from the pregnancy , Keziah .

Have managed a deeply dreaded medical appt & have some humiliating new tests in a few weeks , so am pleased . Have you been able to carry on with your physio , Keziah ? And are you still on regime of early morning waking etc ?

Hoping you're sleeping better , choc ? Sorry you're finding day too quiet atm & wonder if you feel up to trying out any of the activities you were thinking about a month or two back ? It's probably a bit too soon to try & meet new groups of people ? < tries to recruit choc to pet causes >

sorry ,sp bhaji

city - ooh, home dug onions, that will make them extra tastier. But you flatter me, I am a rubbish cook - all recipes I share have to be fool-proof . I think I just own too many cook books and as I am a vegetarian and am coeliac recently then I can't buy too much and have to cook more from scratch. I think to be honest I am just enjoying having some mobility and energy right now enough to cook. I have a deal with dh - if I cook, he will do all the washing up and not complain about mess in kitchen

I thought if I typed it all properly (and typing great physio for my left hand!) then you could copy, paste and print

Glad you done that appointment city. Sadly I too am not unfamiliar to humiliating medical tests - my way of coping is to remember the dr that does the tests does dozens of the same test each day!! Yes, still waking early for my medication but at least it helps me sleep at night more as can't use sleeping tablets. My gp said I was blossoming today - and that gp never talks usually so hopefully moving to time of extra energy!! xxx

How lovely that silent GP seems pleased for you , Keziah . Has your dh taken any phtos of you to remember this precious stage by ?

Good job your recipes are foolproof < am all foolishness > . Love your deal whereby dh isn't allowed to complian about the kitchen mess - mine has learnt diplomacy on that front too ! Glad typing good physio but what a lot of effort . Will indeed print it out , thank you .

Know just what yoyu mean about enjoying having enough mobilty & energy to do everyday tasks ... amazing how pleasurable chores can become . I used to loathe outdoor , hearty pursuits but now crave any little activity of that nature I can manage < off to garden in cold dark night >

I knew you'd have had your share of those awful examinations , I'm sorry to remind you . It's so much worse when they're male & embarrassed too ! You are being very strong in cutting out the sleeping tablets , very hard .. Glad those early mornings have some extra compensations .

Thinking of you , choc . I know you felt a bit excluded the other week when I wrote a long post to K , so I hope you don't feel that today . (You may have been teasing me a bit- I take things so literally . Thank you , am not as wiped out as would normally be < skype party blower emoticon > Hope you're not as anxious today ... it must be so draining trying to control anxiety whilst around dd . Hope she's enjoying summery activities , though you'll have been digging out her cardies to go with the pretty dresses she insists upon . Warming caffeine -free to you both & a very peaceful night .

Choc - how is your garden looking now? Is your dd still enjoying helping you with it? I think my garden is currently tidier than the house, oops!! x

Hee hee city! Yes I was teasing because Keziah had teased in an earlier post about us two chatting!

Oooh goody Keziah! Thanks for posting the recipe so quick. I look forward to making them. I just need to find the time! Today I was thinking how on earth I found the time to go to work. There's so much to do here . I haven't found a routine as such but I'm so far behind with household stuff it could keep me busy 24/7 for around a month, lol. Today I've been cleaning venetian blinds, ironing a(nother) mountain of clothes, loads of walking and some running, and sewing name tapes into dd's uniform. I even went to a drop-in session at my local Mind. So loads of energy today and the anxiety has subsided, yippee! I'm not finding the days quiet at all! But haven't volunteered for any causes yet city. Glad you managed your medical appt. I'm thinking of you with your forthcoming tests. Did you make bhajis today with home dug onions? I'm so jealous of your gardening skills. My garden is looking as messy as ever! It just looks like one giant sandmud pit, complete with dug holes and rake marks courtesy of dd! It's all a bit of a game really and an excuse to stay outside when it's sunny. That said the house is a complete mess so need to get to grips with it asap.

Hope you've both had good days. xx