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Keziah, City, Choc et al support thread

999 replies

Keziahhopes · 11/06/2011 15:36

Hi - found us a new home. Just didn't like the title of my old thread - and have found your support so helpful but would also like this thread to be less egocentric Grin.

Choc -hope cbt assessment goes well.

City - how are you doing?

My physio exercises are helping me, but don't see stroke consultant until beginning of July. Still not had OT assessment, but dont' think will need it by then - just been horrible for dh to do everything for me since Easter. Now more independend - just had my first shower by myself!!

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Keziahhopes · 30/07/2011 17:08

Choc - phoning Samaritans sounds a good idea and if it prevents things getting worse that is a good idea. So sorry about interview and job situation. Do you have a timescale as to when your current job has to cease? Do you get good sickpay, so if you had to do the job you don't want to then could you get signed off whilst look elsewhere? I guess part-time work is a good option for you now if it is a stressful job? xx

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Chocattack · 30/07/2011 20:50

Thanks Keziah. I'm much calmer today so hopefully a bit more in control [she says hopefully]. My current job ceases end-August. Yes my sick pay is good and this is really my only option right now (I'll pm you the rest).

city when I've recovered a bit more from the shock I will be seeking union advice. I'm just trying not to worry too much right now about not finding a job. I suppose I need to spend some time concentrating on me and my dd so being unemployed in the short-term probably isn't a bad thing.

Hope you both well. Keziah hope your anxiety has subsided. Your big meeting sounded as horrendous as my interview.

cityhobgoblin · 30/07/2011 23:12

That sounds really positive in the incredibly stressful circumsstances , choc . Hope it wil be one of those fabled times when things fall ito place .

Glad you're feeling much calmer today and that you've had lots of support from loved ones , but sorry to hear there had been some puzzlement about the problem - I think that's a big reason for the popularity of sites like Mn , as people you know here won't (usually! ) be askance at a situation you describe ... it sometimes makes more sense taken outof the familiar context . It really doesn't sound as if it's you norarticulating the situation properly , but others misperceiving it .
Agree with Keziah about Samaritans , needless to say .

Hope you're feeling OK , Keziah , and still able to get more sleep than before . Hope you're not too stressed ... < smoothes brow > Made your glorious lentil bolognaise yesterday and it was gorgeous! Dh very keen so between us that multi portion batch for the freezer was much depleted Grin

Thinking of you both and sending happy thoughts for all you both deserve xx

Keziahhopes · 31/07/2011 19:02

Choc - glad you feeling calmer. Yes children put a very different perspective on things - so hope you can enjoy time with dd.

city - ooh, you made it. So very glad you liked it! Grin Did you add the kidney beans and butter beans to it as well? Sometimes I leave them out, usually put at least butter beans in, if organised put 2 in. You can double the quantity next time, so have batch freezing portions Grin with your lovely big pan!

I will have to see if I have any other recipes to share. The lentil bolognaise is so so nutritious, which is helpful for both of us recovering/healing.

Well hasn't the sun been lovely, really helped this weekend with anxiety still high. Am hoping after 2 medical appointments this week, physical ones, I will be better.

Hope you all enjoyed weekend in the sun. xx

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Chocattack · 31/07/2011 22:18

I've been keeping busy in the garden today (managed to fix the lawnmower with my dd - she's definitely a budding electrician!) so definitely enjoying the sun. I'm still relatively calm although there are brief moments when I'm just completely overwhelmed. But am confident that in this instance time will be a great healer.

Btw I meant to say "not working" instead of "unemployed" in my previous post as of course I'll still be employed Wink. I'm feeling less mis-understood today as I spoke to another family member earlier and they totally "got it" Smile. Maybe it's a generational thing or that they just have more faith in my ability to survive (mind you they're not aware of my recent mh problems).

city I'm impressed at you making the lentil bolog! Made me smile because today I made macaroni cheese and me and dd ate 3 adult portions between us so there wasn't anything worth putting in the freezer Shock. That's the problem when something tastes too good. So Keziah, next recipe has to be gross! (only kidding)

Keziah hope you'll keep trying to settle your anxiety though I realise it's not easy. Fingers and toes crossed for your appts this week Smile.

cityhobgoblin · 01/08/2011 22:19

Oh no - thought this posted safely hours ago . Repasting it ...
Would be so useful to have more time with dd & to recover from the last few months , choc . So glad your relative understood the situation .

Intensely impressed you and dd managed to mend lawn mower . Your services are sorely needed here ! Must look up lawnmower mending Blush

Thinking of you and all the usual soppy positive stuff times 20 for your appointments this week . Keziah . The only really helpful relaxation to me is ofthe meditation type or visualizing somewhere I'e felt very safe and loved . Does your Church do any group meditation ? though maybe you'd feel more on edge being amomg people you know atm ... meditation download from local library ? Also love religious music of all different faiths , plainchant etc .

Ah yes , I did add butterbeans to your nectar of the gods but not kidney beans on that occassion - butterbeans take up the flavour pretty well . I'll be making it again very soon , in my big pan < drools n anticipation > < decides to make a gigantic batch of macaroni cheese for freezer too >

Keziahhopes · 02/08/2011 10:35

Me too am very impressed with lawnmower mending Choc Smile... great you have this time together with nice weather.

city - I find music helps, in the background, yes. Now I am fancying macaroni cheese Grin x

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cityhobgoblin · 02/08/2011 19:20

Me too with the macaroni cheese , Keziah , Grin very moreish .

Hope this heat isn't as much of an ordeal as I imagine it might be at the moment - fingers crossed you're not feeling too lightheaded .

Glad background music has some effect for you . How is your sleep ? Probably not as good as it could be if you're anxious about these appts ... everything crossed for you here too .

Am all "jelly" once it goes past about 20 degrees in temp so at this rate I'll have to snooze in the afternoon & do my tasks at night ! Am very lucky to have that option at the moment . < sends Keziah off for 2 good naps a day >

Hi choc , really hope you've been able to spend some of that lovely extra time with dd that you've so been looking forward to . Am not sure what your situation is but you sound as though you've got things well in hand - just please take extra care of yourself in case you get a small "aftershock" of anxiety - aren't I doomy , sorry . Hopefully this is the beginning of a new phase and you'll feel vastly better in a couple of months .

( Aawwwww - pipette feeding of baby shrews on TV ... ahem , sorry )

Sorry for such a bland post < puts brain back into fridge >

Chocattack · 02/08/2011 21:18

Bland post city? You had me laughinggggg...(or am I just getting hysterical Shock; maybe the heat is getting to me). Actually I'm feeling poorly today (physically). Have a temperature and head cold but doing ok. The only thing that really did my nut in was dd being so bloody chirpy (and tantrumy in equal measures) all day long [sighs]. Oh well. (Bet you can't wait Keziah! Shall I send mine over? Grin). Mum says dd is like me - highly strung. I think she might have a point.

Keziah I hope the anticipation of your appts isn't sending your anxiety into outer orbit. Not long now. Keep listening to the background music

Sorry you are suffering with the heat city. Tbh I was too today although usually I love the heat! Well unless I've got to rush around somewhere. Hope you manage to do your chores. I'm still putting off the ironing. There's a mountain to climb Grin xx

cityhobgoblin · 03/08/2011 18:37

Glad I made you laugh , choc < hands choc icepack for heatstroke along with nasty head cold > . You poor thing , dreadful feeling feverish when very warm and tryin to deal with dc .

Funny you say "shall I send her over " to Keziah - people often say that to me when I coo over their dc and I'd happily kidnap their little angel . Nope , I can't tell you how much I'd struggle to parent ... think I'm one of Nature's aunties & am zed at how you parents manage .

Helpful comment there from your DM ! Think most parents see their dds as "highly strung " -I know mine did Grin

Hope you feel less poorly today , choc , and that Keziah is OK during this worrying week - thinking of you < tries to send soothing vibes >

I'm slowly getting through my chores thanks , choc - I don't do any ironing as no formal clothes essential for work - though we do own one Blush

Chocattack · 03/08/2011 20:52

"I don't do any ironing" - I'm obviously buying the wrong clothes city Grin. I have semi-formal clothes for work but even without these I still have stacks (dd is a real fashionista gets through at least 2 outfits a day!!). Glad you getting through chores. I am going to tackle some of the iron mountain once I've had a peek on MN.

Funny that you were seen as highly strung. My mum says she's never seen any child like my dd! And apparently I was nothing like her at her age - me being highly strung is only a late-teen/adult thing!! (Oh and I'm a rubbish auntie Grin)

I'm definitely feeling less feverish today and the aches have gone too but my mood has been all over the place. Will see what tomorrow brings.

Hope things are ok Keziah Smile.

cityhobgoblin · 04/08/2011 14:48

Sorry about the no ironing boast , choc . Just after posting that I went to the local community centre and found a lovely ironing board cover on the bric a brac table , so will wash it & mend my crumpled ways ! Your dd's outfit changes sound exhausting but entertaining .

Hope you much better today and that your mood has settled . Bet the feverish cold will have caused some of the difficulty , on top of recent emotional exhaustion .

We're thinking of you loads , Keziah , and praying you won't have cause for worry .

Keziahhopes · 04/08/2011 17:11

Well one awful appointment (mh), one okish (apart from notes being lost, staff not return from lunch on time and a 3hr parking ticket at hospital!), and one good one today. All is well with baby, that is main thing - it danced on its head and waved at us on our scan today Grin

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cityhobgoblin · 04/08/2011 17:26

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Keziah , how incredible you've actually seen your precious waving , dancing baby !!! So thrilled for you < links arms with choc to do jig >

Two other appointments this week , how stressful . Sorry MH one was grim - so annoyed for you . The second one sounds par for the course doesn't it & all that waiting around must have been horrible in the heat . Hope you're not too having too many uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms .

Great joy here Grin . Am sure you & dh will have a celebratory evening ( in a knackered way )- do you get a photo of scan to bring home ?

Keziahhopes · 04/08/2011 22:14

3 photos Grin... Symptoms wise am ok, had mild nausea -that has gone - but exhaustion has hit. That and sore stomach from injections!!

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cityhobgoblin · 05/08/2011 20:55

Three !!!!! < sniff > I could babble on all day , asking you stuff - what an incredible process you're undergoing . Conversely , lost for words at the awesomeness of it all .

Glad nausea eased off but am horrified at the idea of injections to the stomach - is that what you had ? - like the rabies vaccine [grin} You win my personal trophy for devoted mother - to - be . I feel faint just thinking about it .

All very well us dancing jigs but we know you have a lot of anxiety & hope there are many helpful strategies & types of support to help you .

Are you nearly recovered ,choc ? Hope your mood is better than before & that dd is less excitable .

I went for an initial scary ( minor) meeting today and found it frustrating but empowering . Had the support of you both in my mind as I prepared for it , so thank you very much

Nice cool air breezing in for my chore time ... hope we all have a good evening xx

Chocattack · 05/08/2011 21:46

Keziah, that's fantastic news! I can't believe you got a dancing, waving baby at 8 wks. I had to wait until week 20 (dd certainly making up for it now with her energy). Must have been really reassuring to see Smile. The stomach injections sound horrendous (and I'm fine with needles) - I guess you really do want a baby Grin. (Oh and 3 photos in two days is pretty impressive too!)

And city glad you found your meeting empowering. Sorry if I missed you saying about it up thread (just recalled there's a huge chunk of posts I haven't caught up with Blush - when my head's in a twist I find it really difficult to take in information) but I was indeed sending my support through the ether Smile. Didn't know rabies vaccine is given to the stomach Shock. I'll remember to avoid that one.

Having an ok evening. I've nearly recovered, but just feel emotionally like I'm balancing on a pivot. Trying to keep busy. Done some handwashing, yep more of dd's clothes (she's going through a phase of wearing really girly dresses and refusing trousers "I'm not a boy!" she protests) - my own fault for buying them I guess!

cityhobgoblin · 06/08/2011 11:35

You must have been very impatient to wait till 20 wks , choc - was that for a scan or to see dd being dynamic ? I imagine by then you must have felt you'd been pregnant for ages already ?

Hope Keziah is feeling well . The emotion of the scan is a lot to cope with along with the anxiety so we're thinking of you lots .
.
You are lovely to your dd , choc she's lucky not to have a blinkered Mummy like I'd be who would lecture her on the evils of gender stereotying and frivolous consumerism ( as I'm sure you do , but not relentlessly Grin) . Of course I wouldn't be able to resist all her appeals for pretty clothes either

Best wishes for continuing to recover your equilibrium ... you sound as though you're doing amazingly well after recent months
Thank you so much for support sent hrough the ether ( it was just a preliminary thing & you didn't miss anything about iton the thread , thank you ).

Yes , I think the rabies thing is a prophylactic rather than a vaccine , given after the bite , sorry ! Right word wouldn't come to mind ( & probably still hasn't )
Lovely peaceful weekend to you both

Chocattack · 06/08/2011 22:29

city how do you manage to stay sounding so upbeat? It's been another struggle day for me. I'm actually now being haunted by the past few months. It's making me feel nauseous. Just trying to keep busy but can't stay busy all the time. I just keep hoping that the changes in me are due to recent events draining me and not because my meds are no longer working.

Ahh it was 20 wks to see dd being dynamic! And I didn't really feel pregnant until about 3 months because I was in shock and sort of in denial despite it being planned Grin.

I get what you mean about the rabies thing. Think I'll still avoid it though!

Peaceful weekend to you too (and Keziah) x

cityhobgoblin · 07/08/2011 19:16

Poor you choc with the emotions ambushing you . I really don't imagine there's any reason to think it's the meds losing effectiveness in any way , but it's just the nagging worry you need at the moment Sad. Am seriously not surprised , after such a bad few months ( what little I know of it , obviously) . How have you been today ? Are your loved ones making any helpful suggestions that you can imagine might make things more bearable ?

As I probably make you feel worse with my bouncing about , I'll answer why it's been easy for me to feel upbeat most of the time : a) have kindest person in universe for a spouse b) ms has "wiped" my mind's tendency to depression ( both that caused by external factors & the type that seems to be hard- wired into you by a scary childhood ) , for years now Grin; c ) feel certain - rather than having a faith - about an afterlife , life having a purpose etc d) not working atm so very calm and e) no dc to worry myself sick over f) have strong boundaries around some very dogdy relatives and g) currently temporarily living in an idyllic spot by countryside , with animals . I don't have any hormonal upheavals either atm . Oh yes , plus a burning political rage which keeps me "fighting "< sanctimonious Blush > Of course I feel upbeat !

There are negatives due to economic effect of long - term disability , stress from severe social awkwardness , plus family illness etc , but I feel depression is often caused by people feeling trapped / not having free choce...I think most of us would have great mh with few obligations & loved ones who treat us with total repect .

Really , really hope you're not too scared by the emotions resulting from these feelings of being haunted by recent stress - we're here to wish you well , & there are so many lovely people on MH board .Sorry for rambling .

Hope so much that your anxiety levels are lower , Keziah , and you're feeling OK physically . Hope you realise hoew intensively we're sending positive thoughts xx

cityhobgoblin · 08/08/2011 20:44

Hi Keziah and choc , just waving and hoping you're both less stressed than you'd expected . < mangles language as usual >

Am fine here , but must put nose back to grindstone . Sorry if yesterday's post is incredibly irritating Blush- I know neither of you is much up for reading at the moment anyhow .

Loads & loads of positive vibes xx

Chocattack · 08/08/2011 21:25

You're so lovely city. I'm just feeling incredibly useless with myself right now [tries not to beat self up with massive stick]. Yesterday's post was lovely I was just too upset (not by you of course) to reply. I am still pretty anxious and it's a bit too many days in a row now to not be meds I think. I loved your upbeat reasons - it gives me something to aspire to Smile. I'm just feeling very lost at the moment but I need to be thinking about what sort of things I think I need help with. Cbt hasn't been a resounding success (see there's my positive slant Grin) so that's been knocked on the head but I'm not being ditched completely (yet!). We've just got to work out where next.

I still feel like I'm not getting support from certain family members. Apparently they didn't think I was feeling that bad hence why they can't understand why I'm so devastated about the work situation. Also think I'm on the verge of losing the closest nearby friend I've made in about 4 years Sad. I don't want to but she knows too much about me and I'm now worried she's been (or will be) spreading news about me in the office. It's near constant battle when all I want to do is wave a white flag...

I totally agree with you on feeling trapped. However, I'm very good at building my own prison. I can look objectively and see how I do have more free choice than most people but unfortunately I'm insecure in my choices if they are at odds with my (lovely) parents.

Anyway, I think I've rambled for long enough. As ever, thanks for the support and encouragement. Don't sharpen your nose too much! xx

cityhobgoblin · 09/08/2011 18:31

Thank you for your lwoovely , lovely post choc . I wasn't expecting you to post - perhaps for a few days - as you say you don't process written word easily when v stressed .

When you say it's been too many days in a row of feeling as bad as you have for it not to be meds , do you mean you're thinking the meds are causing you problems ? < v dim , sorry >

When you mentioned the issues with family & work friend , giant lightbulbs came on for me . Very distressing about work friend on several levels, but sounds wise to be extrememly wary of her. No nder you've been feeling dreadful .

Re : your relatives , I'm going to make the ludicrously sweeping statement that when my friends have had longterm mh struggles of the sort you describe , at the root of the problem a sense of - as you describe so well - insecurity with their choices when at odds with parents .

I've been wondering for a while whether to ask whether you've looked again at that part of your life ... why don't you talk to therapist / keyworker who's trying to work out how you can move forward with treatment . In my experience , though , a less experienced therapist may see this type of family problem as totally normal - , where more experienced one & anyone who's worked "through" such issues , sees how damaging these dynamics may be .

Nose still not quite sharp enough , thank you , best get back to it - I need a skype bicep - flexing emoticon here !

Thinking of you often , Keziah emoticon . So hope you're getting some rest after v stressful wek , and that all is well .

Hope we all have a good evening .

Chocattack · 10/08/2011 01:43

Me again! I'm processing written word much better now that I'm not at work (but obviously not doing too well at writing clearly Grin). What I meant was my anxiety seems worse lately despite circumstances improving (eg not working, eating better, sleeping better) so I'm wondering if the venlafaxine has stopped working (I noticed a huge improvement in anxiety levels within a few weeks of starting the venlafaxine). It's almost back to pre-v days (though not as bad as citalopram days!).

That's a really good idea about looking again at the parent part of my life again. I have done ages and ages ago and am definitely a million times better for it so it probably would help to have another look at it. I must remember to mention it to my counsellor next week. Just wish things didn't feel so complicated. After a rocky start to today it's ended pretty ok. Hope your evening was good too.

Sending out a wave to Keziah. Hope you've got your feet up relaxing Smile.

cityhobgoblin · 10/08/2011 19:37

Hi choc , thank you so much for your patience with my patronising ways - I forgot to mention that my MH issues were "cured " ( those that can beGrin ce I " my head straight" about my family - not a quick task ! thought I'd worked through all sorts of related issues over the years , but I hadn't carried the breakthroughs I'd reached to their ultimate conclusions , if you see what I mean . I feel we need not just to have our consciousness(es ? ) raised , but we need to be "radicalised" in order to be liberated Grin ( & thus have optimal good mh )

Thanks for explaining about the venlafaxine . So wish I had some advice but I was never offered venlafaxine or citalopram when had severe anxiety ( poss because have minor heart condition ) , & have bad reaction to SSRIs - I used to be prescribed diazepam , believe it or not . Keziah will have sensible thoughts on it all .

Your clarity of expression puts my poor brain to shame . Hope over the next days you'll get a better picture of your anxiety levels & pattens ... so complex .
Hope all ha,ve peaceful eveing , especially in current circumstances . , cho

Am also hoping Keziah has her feet up , choc - we're sending lots of love to you , K xx