Keziah, City, Choc et al support thread

[Keziahhopes]

Hi - found us a new home. Just didn't like the title of my old thread - and have found your support so helpful but would also like this thread to be less egocentric .

Choc -hope cbt assessment goes well.

City - how are you doing?

My physio exercises are helping me, but don't see stroke consultant until beginning of July. Still not had OT assessment, but dont' think will need it by then - just been horrible for dh to do everything for me since Easter. Now more independend - just had my first shower by myself!!

Losing the will... just written long reply and MN gobbled it!

succinct version of lost message:

Thank you both for seeing something in me that I'm missing;
cbt not painful because little memory of thoughts/feelings, just frustrated at it centering on increasing 'activity';
I love the advice for dd that I'll always be close - don't know why I didn't think of it;
One tablet a day;
at medication schedule Keziah. Pregnancy progressing well? Good luck with MH appts. Think "I'll not be stressed"

Choc - arrgh to mn gobbling goblin!

Choc - to make you , I have to get up about 6pm, in order to insert 2 glorious vaginal pessaries, and then lie down for 30 mins to let them absorb!! 6 more weeks of them - I will happily endure no lie-ins if pregnancy continues, but can't wait to get to 12 weeks and stop them!!!

Next Mon is the BIG MH review meeting - taking dh and advocate. Sadly useless advocate, but hoping she will at least make notes!

Argh at gobbled post choc. Nowadays I write in Notepad & paste it into mn message box as have had that happen many a time .
How poignant that you say there are qualities you can't see in yourself . Room for lots of joyous progress there at least .

Ah sorry , I didn't realise the emphasis on action was the worst part by far . I think the therapist may be misunderstanding fundamental things about you ,& you're probably exhausted from the effort of communicating ? - overwhelmed , hence needing the therapy in the first place . It's vital for this issue to be explored in depth .

Hope dd's concerns ease soon & don't be shy to start a thread about it on Parenting if need to explore the joys of this developmental stage further . < in awe of parents dealing with such issues >.

Oh joy at dawn waking Keziah - could have been designed to exhaust an insomniac . Is pregnancy making you very tired ? Hope you have the summer holidays now to rest more ?

Wishing you good things in your massive appt & hope advocate makes decent notes - are you able to clarify with her what type of notes you'd like ? I wish you weren't having to worry about anything at the moment .

Yes , good advice from choc , or as another v wise MNer advised me , try praying - or asking the universe etc - for protection ... she once tried this when feeling intensely stressed in dealing with an official type & actually felt a "barrier" come between her & aggressive person , whereby his aggression couldn't ditress her . She has been able to recreate that since . I have had the same done for me in a sesssion of Quaker healing & you can practice accesing the healing energy at home - perhaps your Church has trained , accredited healing practitioners ? ( no contact was involved in my sessions ) .
Sorry , am bound to have mentioned all this before

Hope you're both well today .

Dim wit me, city! Never even occurred to me to write in notepad so thanks. Hopefully will save me future frustrations (assuming I remember to write in notepad in the first place ).

Keziah you did make me . So you're half way to 12 weeks? You seem to be coping well with the tiredness. During my 1st trimester I remember sleeping in every morning I was so wiped out. It did improve dramatically after that so hopefully will for you too.

I'm shattered today - another late one from work for me. That said I think I'm coping better with work than parenting at the moment. I'd be very shy to start a thread on Parenting (would have to find the section first!). I've only posted outside MH on a handful of occasions! I'm petrified of the abuse! I hadn't appreciated that it was a development stage. I'd just thought it was because dd is used to seeing me lying around on bed/sofa 'poorly' . Once she made me a card to make me get better with a drawing on the front of me frowning. Hmmm maybe I'll do a search...

One counsellor I saw got me to imagine putting up a barrier. I basically imagine a big transparent, plastic dome that sits over the top of me (think half-bubble!) and 'blocks' out negativity. I mainly use this to get into work without panicking or crying. Unfortunately if I'm quite negative at the time it also traps the negativity in but at least the bubble stops any external negativity. So good advice from city, Keziah. Hope it works for you. Shame about the advocate though, but maybe safety in numbers?

Apart from the tiredness I'm doing ok today. Now know I have an interview next week. I'm not going to say when in case it goes badly . I'm feeling up to the challenge so hope that feeling lasts and that I don't end up a jibberish wreck! I've decided to wait to hear the outcome before speaking up about full time or not.

Hope you both well too. xx

Choc - the 6am early rises for pessaries is making me tired and by 5pm am shattered right now. However, hols now so can rise as late as 7am for pessaries. Tiredness is my only sympton so far.

Choc - sorry you are so tired. Let us know when your interview has gone well .

Well dh is making me lentil bolognaise right now, so most thankful.

City - I have physio again next week so hopefully get some more exercises to do that I can do (standing on one leg not in my remit right now, walking backwards is getting better!!!)

Oh choc , no it is a completely normal stage kids go through & I've definitely seen it spoken about on MN . What a sad situation for you & dd when you're feeling at your worst .. I really didn't realise till the last month what a hard time you've had , (what little I do know of course ) . I really don't know how you've managed bringing up dd and working , but most of all it really explains how hard it is for you to believe in a better future . Am still very optimistic for you as have known seemingly impossible recoveries even from huge MH issues ( not imagining you have such ) . I just wish you were over the summit of this peak < mangles English language as usual > Bless dd trying to make you feel better with her card .

You shouldn't be shy of starting a thread but maybe it is better to avoid too much hurlyburly when you're feeling vulnerable - I get very much like that .. Patronising I know , but it's a good sign that your instincts are working well with regards to a certain amount of withdrawing from too much interaction .

Wonderful that you're feeling centred about the interview - we promise not to ask about it unless you want to mention it . Extra positive thoughts to you for at least a week !

Aha , so you've used the bubble technique with that level of effectiveness ? Am in awe and looking forward to keeping practising . How difficult that you fofund it trapped your own negativity at the time - never occured to me .

You know we're just chattering on so as not to tire you out don't you , Keziah ? Hope you're getting as much rest as you can . I know these must be very nervewracking days . Are you finding any stress techniques at all helpful , like choc's visualisation ? Hope not too exhausted / nauseous .

Good grief , I thought schools had broken up by now - hope you get some time off soon . Lovely evening to you both ( and hope you haven't been working late again , choc )

Sorry for going so OTT choc , but your " guilty" reaction to a normal line of ( v persistent ) questioning made me quite emotional for the worries you're feeling re : parenting .

Sorry Keziah , lumbering cross post from me there . Oh nooooooo at shattered . Glad tiredness only symptom so far but I dare say you still have lingering fatigue from the neuro episode . Yaay holidays - lie in till 7AM , you must be pleased .

Lovely dh cooking - I am still gradually getting the last odds and ends for the bolognaise recipe as storecupboard's been a bit brassic lately - the shame . I'll be able to give you our verdict by the weekend though !

Very impressed & surprised that the walking backwards is improving - honestly am amazed by the speed of your hardwon progress . Hope new exercises build on the improvements & iron out the lingering difficulty -if it takes a while longer , all is not lost . Even though my neuro condition is permanent , I still found many stubborn symptoms wore off after some months - in one case , after several years - many of the symptoms I'd thought I was stuck with , went away . There's loads of evidence the brain can "relearn" things by working out different methods , as I'm sure you well know.

Have a good evening both of you xx

City - walking backwards has to be improving, as couldn't do it at ALL when I started . Still using one elbow crutch though!! Good to hear things improved for you even after so much time. I sort of want to be as good as possible before I pile on extra weight - I have a deadline now that I can't change - like the next few months.

Well fell asleep at 8.30pm last night - feel so much better for it!

Hope lovely weekends for all. xx

Wow , that's the type of good long sleep I was recommending! Excellent .
Sorry to bang on insensitively about recovery whene you still have impairment . You wouldn't have got nearly so far, so comparatively fast without your intense determination . It must be absolutely rubbish to still have the elbow crutch but the progress on walking backwards really is something .

Agree the extra weight will be awkward , but maybe you'll carry the bump in a fabulously ergonomic way that won't be as much of an impediment . As so many women find neuro conditions improve dramatically with the hormones of pregnancy , you might even feel less intensely fatigued than the hangover of the episode was making you feel - once over the first trimester , as choc says . Here's hoping.

Managed to sneak in time on veg patch between chores , heh heh - I get very excited about my well - munched little plants . Have tiny peppers growing , very cute .

Lovely weekend to you and choc - hope you're not being hard on yourself , choc ? Hope you can treat yourself to some richly - deserved time with hobbies / treats / friends .

I've enjoyed watching you chat - Will try to join in again now . Don't know what it is with me but yesterday found it hard to string two sentences together. (Not that I had anything exciting to say or anything).

Impressive bit of sleeping from you Keziah . Hope I can catch it by association. Am visualising ergonomic bump now thanks to city! Glad physio still helping you. I hope you're as fixed as you can be by the time your centre of gravity changes. You definitely won't be able to walk backwards then .

So veg patch isn't a chore for you then, city?!! I'm very impressed at your peppers. I didn't get round to planting anything this year. Hope I'm more able next year. I've been in garden today too (damn all this rain for making the weeds grow!). Lost count of the times dd nearly took my eye out with the end of the rake . Much safer indoors where I've been doing a spot of spring (summer?) cleaning. Exhausted now though (I'm such a light weight, lol). No I'm not being to hard on myself. I even had some chocolate today. Yes my famine is over!

So sorry for not saying Hi before but monitor "On" button won't work and it's making arm sore to keep it on .Was out till late yestrday and felt rotten hadn't dropped in.
Hope you're still feeling more up to chatting / RL activities , choc , and that Keziah is having a pleasant wekend . Your dd's lethal gardening made me laugh . I do love garden time whether managed to plant anything that year or not - there are always gorgeous weeds here to marvel at !

Yaaaaaaaay at choc famine being over ! < sugar addict here with copendency issues >
Here , Keziah and choc - have some guiltfree cyberchocs

Nice weekend away thanks, but high anxiety due to horrible mental health meeting. Am taking dh and advocate - except advocate seems quite useless, but as there will be about 5 of them it evens up number. Sorry, am preoccupied. If not post for a few days, it is due to family events and me "crashing" after hyper energy for today!

Sorry couldn't post best wishes earlier , Keziah . Sent prayers and positive thoughts to you and dh and hope with all my heart it was less dreadful than you expected .
Glad you had a nice weekend away , partly maybe to try to be as relaxed as possible , and hope family duties etc leave you time to rest and come down from the state of readiness for today . Many thanks for warning us you probably won't be able to post , so we won't worry .

Hope you had a good Sunday and today , choc , with some more time outdoors ( imaginative aren't I )and that your big day this week goes well - again , so sorry couldn't say so last night . Bombarding you with positivity

Things very cheerful here atm , am very lucky... best do my spring / summer cleaning chores now too , choc - excellent work !

Bucketloads of best wishes to you both xx

Sorry, preoccupied over here too. I really meant to wish you luck before your big meeting today, Keziah. Very glad you had dh with you and hope it went as ok as it could. Hopefully the anxiety will subside now that's over. Thanks for the warning - yes we would be worrying otherwise .

Glad you're having a cheerful day city. I'm having a tough day but wish I wasn't. Very tearful and generally in turmoil over whether to go to my job interview. I want to decide the morning of the interview, when I wake up(but work friend thinks this is too late), to see whether it's worth putting myself through this . The last couple days I've been back to thinking "actually if I get the job and have to stay working there things aren't going to change and I'll still be frustrated and resentful and depressed". I don't think I should stay there anymore but am scared to walk without being pushed as I don't have another job to go to. I have to decide soon but it's causing me a lot of stress. My post has been made redundant but everytime I ask about redundancy I get told they won't pay out because there are vacant posts. Effectively I've been forced to apply for jobs that I don't want! Lots (more) sleepless nights. Finding it really hard to come to a decision, so scared of making the wrong one .

I'm taking all the best wishes I can, so thanks city xx

Oh no choc , what awful management ... wish I knew more . Was going to advise you to post in Work / employment - namechanging if you need to , of course - asking about your position re : jobseeker's allowance and references . As I came to post though , it struck me that there may be no decision to be made & that the course of events will reveal itelf this coming week . Sounds ludicrous but that's what I 've usually found ...
Otherwise you sometimes have to go for the least risky option , but of course if you stay there your MH is suffering . Perhaps you could hang on in there till you feel up to applying elsewhere ? I have no idea what I'm talking about here , have I . Would agree with your colleague that the day of interview itself might jeopardise your chances , but would once again say that all the worrying will probably turn out to have been to little avail as the decision will become obvipous .

Do you have a union rep in your workplace , or the phone no of one ? That's the only thing I think might help , if you haven't tried that already - and if you have & rep wasn't very optimistic , try again ... there's sometimes more to be said about the situation . Also you could try the union legal advice line . If you had to join suddenly then became temporarily unemployed you'd be on unemployed member's rates I believe , but with access to their services .

Hugs and best wishes for some sleep . Hope you sleep after huge / hellish day , Keziah

Choc your work situation sounds very difficult and complicated. I hope there is a post available that you find you like. My job has changed quite a bit over the years, not of my own choice and some of it has been unexpectently better that I could have hoped for.

Well meeting was a really anxious time. The advocate was more helpful than I realised - as she asked all the right questions at the start (how long it was etc). Worst person there was the team manager who started off with 2 inaccurate comments or blatant lies. I got defensive, dh said I didn't let people end their sentences before I started talking. Got a review in 3 months to hopefully get treatment - but they said it is only if they have the resources. I told them if they couldn't find them then I would complain at a higher level as I have 4 "labels" and an assesement that says what treatment I need. This is an NHS after all I told them, so if the manager is unable to find any resources for me after all they have put me through the past 2 years (and have official complaint apology to support them not doing things right) then I will complain about the manager and get things sorted at a higher level. Grrrr....................... And they had the audacity to say I needed to build a better relationship with the mental health team. The advocate pointed out how little time anyone has ever spent with me, hugh absence records by staff, how over past 3 years my care plan has never been followed (however much they changed it) and challenged why I had to improve my relationship with them. The best part was when the locum worker I saw for 6 weeks said that I needed more help, what help she identified and that I didn't need to do what they said. But of course she wasn't listened to!!!

Of course I haven't told them my news - that will annoy them. But have no one to tell and my psychiatrist didnt' even bother to turn up to the meeting - as had an emergency to go to that she knew about all day. I did tell the service manager it woudl have been curteous to phone me in case I wanted to rearrange.

Sorry - still wound up about it and not putting the worst of it on mn!!!!

Going to cook dh a nice meal, made him pudding etc as he had to go through seeing me so bad all day yesterday.

Thinking of you today , choc [ ] and hope you find Keziah's positive experience helpful .

You did so incredidbly well in the meeting , Keziah , very clear and reasonable from what you say . I can well imagine you're not saying the worst of it .
Indeed your psych should have informed you of absence.So incredibly pleased your advocate put those points forward for you . How indeed were you supposed to be able to build a wonderful relationship with staff you never see ? Yay for locum nurse's points , brilliant .

I feel that all sounds more positive ( & relatively decisive on their part - ha! ) than I'd expected - but then you have the complaint ruling to back you up , and you were in the most appalling , v long running situation to have risked making that complaint .

Sorry you haven't been able to tell your news yet but it will be lovely when you can tell loved ones - maybe you've told one or two ? Sorry , far too nosy . Now , I hope you won't have to attend to too many family obligations until you've had a good rest to recover from the hellish meeting . < stern >

Hope you're feeling well and were able to make your dh that lovely meal . I promise I will finally do the gorgeous looking lentil bolognaise tomorrow - taken me all this time to restock cupboards .

Hope you and choc have the peaceful evenings you so deserve . Am still very fortunate to still be all cheery but have a scary month coming up now so am taking you two as my role models for facing it .

city - parents know xxx

You will do well city - or just pretend like me!!!

How lovely that you've been able to tell DParents , Keziah . Thanks for telling us - so excited for you . Hope you have plenty of time to yourself this week .

THank you so much for the vote of confidence and yes, I keep telling myself the HCPs have loads no reason to see me as anything other than a sensible woman who won't put up with any nonsense

Thinking of you , choc ... I know you really need the endless uncertainty & disruption at work to be over , but may feel you have no real options and that some aspects of the horrible situation may last a while longer . Hoping your MH won't have to continue taking a battering from these circumstances , and that you'll find enough energy to be able to move on if / when the time is right .

City - we had no plan on telling dh's parents but due to family events and my medication regime to maintain preg then we had no choice really - truth or them think I was rather rude and so on!! Not sure what they think, think they bit concerned they know so early in case it doesn't go on. If they think that then no wonder my anxiety is sky high right now!!!

City - yes, important to show HCP's you are calm and in control, even if you are not inside!! Well that is always my aim. I can do it will all but MH ones, funniily enough!

Am so wound up, can't relax. Got physio tomorrow am.

Sorry anxiety so bad at the moment , Keziah . I'm ssure your ILs aren't as genuinely nervous as you imagine - it's just been traditional to wait a few months and they're probably worrying about crowding you with fuss and excitement at a time when you need to save your energy . I bet they're picking up on your and dh's having been very nervous for this pregnancy at the beginning - I know people project my anxieties back at me . Sorry , the tone of that has come out all wrong ..

Please do a nice visualisation as choc recommends - and you might like this piece of music that ThisIsANiceCage linked us to on other thread -

Thank you for reminding me about the importance of theem thinking I'm calm & in control - it doesn't come naturally to me , even pretending but I will practice !

Yes, think you totally right about the ILs. We didn't want to tell them, but as we had to stay with them for their big event they would have been offended by my behaviour if they hadn't known which we decided was worse.

Ok, I will try visualistion as Choc suggests and you try pretending to be in control x

It's all over. Did the interview. Didn't get the job. But got offered another job so now I can't even get redundancy because "I'm suitable for the job they've offered me". I'm really upset and angry. I've pretty much cried non-stop since finding out this afternoon. There's more to it (as ever!) but just giving you the headlines. I've just got to figure out where next because staying there will be unworkable. Sorry I haven't read the posts I've missed since last time I was on here. Just wanted to let you know about the interview.

Oh no choc , gutted to see this news . What a hateful management you have there - really stitching their employees up . Hope you've managed to find some decent advice today [sad ] .

Extra sorry not to have seen this yesterday but I didn't get back till very late then had to sleep this morning . Hope you got through the evening OK & you'll soon have some clarity - this is dreadful for your MH ( says she helpfuly ) .

Am shocked at he way this has been going on . Sending thoughts & prayers but being around to post back would have been a lot more use .

Thinking of you as always , Keziah , & hope you're feeling well & getting some time . Sorry I didn't reply to your post , bit overstretched and prone to zonking out , sorry . Thank you for your advice - been practising my actng

Yes dreadful for my MH, city. I'm actually quite stunned today and emotionally exhausted. I haven't cried as much today but got asked twice about how the interview went and just burst into tears . I wish I had more control over when that happens. Don't worry about not being around to post back. I doubt it would have helped as I was struggling to see the screen. I'm hopeless at writing/reading when in a "state" - I always envy when posters can converse in text when in distress. I only seem able to open my mouth so naturally end up talking to the Samaritan's if it's early hours but I felt really guilty last night ringing (twice) because I wasn't suicidal. I was worried about preventing someone who was from reaching them.

Finally managed about 3 hours sleep. Felt very sick, not sure if from all the diazepam I'd taken to try to calm myself down. Been getting loads of RL support although family still think I shouldn't be getting so down about work. Obviously I'm incapable of articulating why I feel sooooo bad and upset. That I should just be able to get on with it. I wish I could. I've tried and it hasn't worked and now it's worse than ever and I can't see any way back from here. I just hope I can hurry up and get over the shock without self-destructing.

Are you practicising for your HCP meetings? (I keep reading but the words aren't computing. Will try again tomorrow after more sleep).