Keziah, City, Choc et al support thread

[Keziahhopes]

Hi - found us a new home. Just didn't like the title of my old thread - and have found your support so helpful but would also like this thread to be less egocentric .

Choc -hope cbt assessment goes well.

City - how are you doing?

My physio exercises are helping me, but don't see stroke consultant until beginning of July. Still not had OT assessment, but dont' think will need it by then - just been horrible for dh to do everything for me since Easter. Now more independend - just had my first shower by myself!!

Great to hear baby boy is 12lb now , Keziah - fabulous but what a sjhame too big for sleeping on one arm .. .

Agree brilliabnt to see choc managing to do so much , and am lawn scything here now too So pleased your DM was able to occupy dd for a time

Feel better about typos thanks to you , Choc -sorry that was about distesssing subject

Argh at parking issue after you two widened your driveway to sort things .- hope they listen to calm reason

Hope we're all having lots ofsunshinexxx

I like sunshine I have decided ... and having a baby means lots of excuses for walks, as he will sleep in pram!!

Hope grass cutting going well.

I love "I like sunshine I have decided" and delighted that baby boy still likes his pram so much ! Glad you're getting little well-deserved breaks with the walks

I had a far less well-earned break & left the mowing half-done when Dh felt up to a visit to the countryside - was bliss with giant sunbathing pigs , bunnies hopping among bluebells and hordes of smirking hooray henrys

Hope you had sunshine , choc - < weeps at mountain of cleaning >
Good grief , just remembered you hadn't received your prescription fform- hope it arrives tomorrow , or you find you can get the vit D then be reimbursed
My head is still walking around sunny heathland , looking at wild ponies < drifts off , soothed but grateful not o have to cope with countrydwelling practicalities>

Sunshine here too. Sounds like you both enjoyed the weather. We went in garden this morning to face paint. But
a rough rest of the day. Anxious and shakey so took diazepam which left me dizzy and feeling sick. Laid down then kept drifting off to sleep. Fortunately mum came round and opened door and I heard dd say she was here. I didn't wake up until 6pm. I haven't felt like this for ages. All I kept thinking was how there was beautiful bright sunshine and yet I didn't feel like enjoying it. I'm just not feeling very hopeful at the moment. Just feels like I'm never going to get better whatever better is . These last 16 months has been one episode too many. Also, friend's dad died today. It's so sad and I feel awful for him not having a choice of when to go. It's so unfair that people who want to die are kept alive and are made to think there is something wrong with not wanting to live and yet the people who don't want to die can't be kept alive .

Oh Choc , so sorry about grim anxiety , horrible effects of the diazepam , and your friend's Dad ... I agree about the incredible unfairness of the discrepancy between people's desire to live, v. the reality

I keep rewriting post trying to say something useful but am even clumsier than usual at the moment . ..sorry this is all opinion and sounds so simplistic and blustery patronising .

I could have written that about anxiety / struggling to find real reasons to live when it was unremittingly painful , at any time over long , long periods of my life - but have felt very well for absolutely years (I know you had years well too ) , despite massive crisis of confidence atm .

The reason I did find to keep going was an inner realisation that I would be glad I had , however grim it was going to be (!). I couldn't see how I would function , though ....Bah , wrote paragraphs of bouncing optimism but have gut feeling now is not the rght time for all of it .. have saved it in Notepad, just in case
You are so intelligent and strong in refusing to delude yourself , but obviously you know there is a great deal more enjoyment and peace of mind to be had than you have experienced over this grim recurrence -you will be OK again , despite the harsh realities of life . You sound so very more positive on here lately , despite some bad days .

I have found the physiological aspect of depression and anxiety (& OCD, etc ) grows fainter and fainter as you go longer periods between sigificant bouts , as though the chemicals which perhaps constitute the grim feelings take a while to stop kicking in ....< rational , scientific advice , anyone ? ) Many sympathies with the hyperventilation . Have CPN or GP given ou advice or exercises ?

How are you doing , Keziah? Pouring here- same at yours ? Am hopelessly behind with veg ... will see what I can still sow .Choc , have any of your Cosmos escaped slugs ? My allotmenty neighbour was assuring me our runner beans still have hope even chomped to stumps.

Hope neighbour proves reasonable when Dh goes to speak to him ... ould he be having a tantrum due to the feeling some people unconsciousl get , that families with new babies get lots of love & "approval" ( hopefully , anyway ) I notice some people have an unconscious reaction of jealousy towards children , which I wonder whether therapists might attribute to childhhod issues. Hope baby napping a little i day so you can sleep more .

Argh , CAB can't see me for a month , and that's only to go over DLa form . Will try to find other advice & advocacy till that comes round . Also have a million health things to ask for treatment for , referrals < hides in garden >

I will try to shut up & give you both just cheery waves till I stop ramblingxxx

Choc ...sorry , I forgot the important bit , that I'm not advocating deciding to struggle on however grim it gets I don't want you to feel even worse due to me not listening I meant that I got a strong inkling that it was going to be worth it , and I'm hoping you will find the same , one way or another .

Also , I sometimes wonder whether you give yourself enough credit for bringing up highly energetic child < goes back to hide in garden at thought >

futuredream ah you're a saint - you try so hard with me . I read your posts yesterday but couldnt string sentences together to respond. Sorry. I really am a bit all over the place. Yesterday rubbish, today ok (despite under 2 hours sleep last night) but I'm beginning to crash now. Yes I see what you mean about a strong inkling. I've had it once, right after dd's birth and it seems impossible to get that back. It's hard for me to imagine that feeling too so feels like lose-lose situation.

Very frustrating that CAB can't see you for a month. I'm guessing it's because they're completely inundated with people seeking advice and not enough staff. (I've actually picked up a volunteer application form for them following great advice from them in the past. You see this is my master plan...keep busy, busy, busy and not think about how pointless it all is. The problem is my stamina, just feeling very run down after only 2 weeks of 'moderate' activity.) Do you recall a while back I made enquiries at an advocacy for support? This particular organisation had a 2 month waiting list so I only hope that you can access alternative advice quicker than that where you are.

< quick, look away. another long ramble by choc! >
I'm struggling with the 'fine, quite easy one day' to the 'having to fight away' intrusive thoughts etc the next. I keep repeating the same cycle over and over. Feeling a bit like a vegetable, easily mashed but just needing to be cut up! Not helpful I know.

Keziah please tell us you're perservering. Oh and your neighbour sounds a bit of a nob, sorry, futuredream has a point regarding "unconscious reaction of jealousy towards children , which I wonder whether therapists might attribute to childhhod issues.

No more planting completed. Cosmos have survived the slugs because they are still indoors on the kitchen window sill . I bought two pepper plants the bank hol weekend (decided it was too late to sow seeds after all) and they are also still inside on the window sill too. Rain, rain, go away PLEASE!!! How's the walking going *Keziah?

It's a trip to the iron mountain tomorrow for me . Good luck whatever tomorrow brings you both. Night xx

Thank you for putting up with me, Choc! So unfair , though , the struggle you've been having , including so much with energy .

Thinking of you Keziah , hoping sleep etc improving

Sorry , mad dash -missed one thing now going to have another try with CAB - thanks for warning aaabout long waiting lists for advocacy too

< waves at baby and admires cosmo and pepper plants >

Sorrry about most recent post , Choc -I forgot the one thingI 'd sat down to post , which is that I fdid feel you hadn't felt that glimmer yet, but I know you're holding on for it - really admire that

Really hoping you've both had some sun today -of course , it's a different matter actually managing to find time to go out in it

Aha , went to CAB again and advisor was unimpressed at my position re medical care, finances etc and has given me an extra , earlier appt

Jobcentre Plu person also v keen to help , though I think she is mistaken that I'd be eligible to consult the Disability Employment Advisor again if I finally get some DLA . [thanks to you both for cheering me on ... am off to research more possibilities .
Sorry all me , me , me ....I keep deleting things I'm asking you two as have severe case of foot-in-mouth in recent weeks - one of the qs I asked was re m hsupport for the socially awkard , as have tried local centre but need to be in the system .... dvisors trying to help me with that , as not easy to tell GPs everything at once .

Hope you've both had some seriously calming times in last day or so - sending my most positive thoughts xxx.

Not read back, apologies for me me me post..... have been crying! Work stress, still facing redundancy and without saying too much have been the only one contacted by work to give up work!! I am the only one on maternity leave, feel so pressured and need my job....

It is how I don't cope with this stressure on top of sleep deprivation, starting therapy and feeling low off medication [grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr]

(((((((((Keziah))))))))) Horrific stress , so sorry- can you get further advice ? Don't apolgise , thank you for updating us < group hug > Please do see whether there are any other sources of advice you haven't tried or been able to access ... women on ML in such a vunerable position .

Also , I had assumed you had restarted your medication- am staggered that you have been battling on without it , which to me is very brave , but am sure you are constantly having to weigh the pros and cons and must have been feeling pretty shaky anyhow..

Stating therapy very hard when you're feeling low and exhausted -really daunting when under great stress . Hoping it will still be really helpful once you have dealt with the stress of talking through difficult issues . Can your DH find extra little pockets of helping time when he's home ? Any rest could make such a difference to ability to cope atm.< wishes lived nearby to volunteer for babysitting >
< silver lining there for you , Keziah! Your diplomatic skills needn't come into play as you contemplate allowing accident-prone city to mind baby son >

lots of love to you both xxx

< waves and hugs to you both from from cityland > Obviously don't worry about posting , either of you , and you won't want to say much online anyway of course - just hoping really solid advice can help in some way .

Hope you are able to get some thoughts on your progress from GP/cpn /friends , Choc , if you want any . . I always say to myself "one step forwards , two steps backwards" < helpful >

I am trying to say , not sure the v bad bout of anxiety like you had at weekend is any real predictorn of the anxiety still being a condition which will have a great impact on you for a fair hile yet- in my experience, it really needn't be the case .( have had anxiety on and off since toddlerhood so I can make these amateurish assertions .... I have found anxiety can give some vicious attacks as a period of anxiety / depression is coming to its end . Also from experience , your recent physical health problems may be causing body & brain to be vulnerable to nasty bouts .

Lots of progress here, loads more appts to make ( not all terrifying- least awful ones need doing first , heh heh ) Big decisions to make about medical care , social care / support , but getting some help with options now

< sending you both calming , garden vibes >

futuredream way to go with all the progress, yay! That's fabulous news about the earlier CAB appt. (Will come back to you in a minute...)

Keziah really sorry you're having the stress of going through this . I am at your work. My solicitor friend (unfortunately not employment law) once told me that employers tend to be very careful with women on maternity leave and things like redundancy /terminating contracts etc because they don't want a potential equality claim. (I know you want your job and not a pay-off). I'm open-mouthed that you are the only one contacted - if that's not discrimination I don't know what is! If you haven't done so already I recommend speaking with ACAS for advice about your situation. 08457 47 47 47 (Mon-Fri, 8am-8pm and Sat, 9am-1pm)

futuredream do you think a befriending organisation might be the way to go with the social aspect? Is the ackwardness you describe only in relation to face-to-face social situations - you've always been very sociable here . Sorry if being a bit dim.

I've spent most of my day in the garden digging up yet more weeds and pebbles. Certainly been very therapeutic - think I needed the time outdoors. Yesterday was a bit stressful as dd was off school with a fever, though I did manage to get to my Weds group. I was quite anxious and very shakey hands again. It's left me wondering whether it's a new symptom to my meds that I've developed. Also, really weird dreams - hopefully not premonitions!

Wishing you both luck with your respective challenges. hugs xx

< waves to Choc and Keziah > Arh argh , thought had posted this morning- sorry , made mistake and lost in Notepad ... will reply properly later but hope dd is recovering , Choc , and your hands have been less shakey - I'm sure you're keeping good note of tht to give you clearer picture at some point .

lots of positive thoughts to you , Keziah
Thank you both so much for all the encouragement [thnks]

Sorry been out till now , met up with poor DM , in pain with newly-developed arthritis - but able to get about , which I'm very grateful for .

Peaceful night if I miss you later, Choc(not posting , obviously -you must be pooped . Yay for getting to the group against the odds . Hop e some sleep for you , Keziah .

Ok - good news is I have a job, although less hours than wanted for the next year. After that I suspect more cuts but can't do anything about that until 12 months up. Stress of it all has been horrific.. not good for my mood.

Really hope can enjoy maternity leave now!! Though have horrible appointment with horrible psychiatrist to face in mid June Dh taking some holiday in June, so that will help... as getting behind on housework etc. Also got baby ds's Christening to organise, eek!

Choc wed group sounds good. Glad you did some therapeutic weeding! How are your plants coming on? Shaky hands could be anxiety if only when at Wed group, but worth keeping eye on to see if when ok and calm, if so perhaps gp visit?

Thanks futuredream

That's fabulous news Keziah! What a relief for you. Your suspicians are probably right. Since hearing about latest restructure at work I haven't heard from them again! Do you have a return date from maternity? I wouldn't know where to start with organising a Christening, lol! (Come to think of it I haven't been invited to any).

More weeding today (I hope this gets easier the more on top of it I get!). And yes am pretty shattered but thankfully dd has 'mended', though still very tired . Sorry to hear about your DM futuredream. I hope pain is manageable. Hopefully if she is able to continue getting about it will offer her a bit of protection from deteriating.

Peaceful night to us all

Oh excellent news, Keziah !!!!So glad , and agree you may be able to
find different options if worse happens next year ... so relieved . Hope it will be less difficult - brain not working well enough to ask sensible qs , but hope hours are arranged in a workable way .

Poor dd and her Mum , hope recovery soon complete - sounds miserable .bet she's. Great advice from K about the hands .Well done on the weeding (and ironing ) mountains Sorry to hear housework falling behind , Keziah doesn't have excuse of a baby Hope Dh holiday helps & that the Christening won't be too stressful to organise - how exciting , & daunting -please try to give baby son to Dh so you can do the organising .

Sorry not proper post as too zonked after day in countryside < jammy > - also talking to many strangers ,... hard to explain the problem you asked , kind Choc, but something to do with levels of chest pain when chattering happily , plus inability to appear anything but "different" ... could be AS , or a social anxiety disorder , which have always had ... have tried support groups but need diagnosis ... not right time yet , but just made other enquiries , inspired by your support group

Thank you so much for good wishes for DM ...I always feel a bit odd about pople complaining that their parent has a common ailment ,thinking they're rather"lucky" to have reached older age < shame and karma > -been a shock to see her in such pain lately .Will feel better if she can come off the NSAIDs , which aen't the safest in over 70s .

Sorry for gloomy topics- has made my month to hear of saved job , K , and Ihad the sort of day going round cottages & up early medieval church tower, which soothes the soul - hope we all had sunshine < shares round wildflowers & toddlers playing with puppies & ponies and giant bags of lovely horse manure>

re:housework- city lacks the excuse of baby , I meant < ha! says Keziah ... what would you like to lend a hand with ? ...and careful not to break / flood / burn that >

Ah sounds like soothing day futuredream. The nearest to countryside I've got recently is the roadside verge on our cycle ride to DMs today . Though I did see loads of poppies and wondered if they were wild or not because I don't recall ever seeing them in previous years.

Time for a confession. The ironing mountain only got started last night . I had to look back through the thread to see when I'd said I was going to do it! I've done most of it but having a rest from it tonight. Have felt a bit 'odd' again < choc wishes she could string together a few more "feeling alright" days >. Have to see gp before Weds for check-in and prescription but because my "off" days aren't particularly debilitating don't think I can even bother mentioning it. But hooray to plenty of sunshine yesterday (and an afternoon free of dd, enabling much weeding to be done) .

Hope your weekend continued in positive vein Keziah

There there at the ironing mountain , Choc - full of admiration here, as haven't ironed for years - I know you've said before have dd's school things etc which just have to be done

Gorgeous poppies starting round here too- earlier than usual , surely ? Brillian when they seed in new places .Bike rides with dd sound great

Sorry Choc , but can dr city come out of retirement and ask you to tell doctor about th tiredness and feeling "odd" ? . You've sound very tired indeed to me pretty regularly in recent months , and I've learnt about different types of tiredness over the years - from viruses like glandular fever , depression, migraines , my health condition ( but obviously excluding the exhaustion of motherhood -
< waves to Keziah , hoping she's had a bit of extra sleep whilst Daddy cares for baby > ... I think you need to make sure doctor really hears this as I think there may be a physical issue going on ( but if gets written in notes might not be totally ideal for occupational health later- if doesn't get written , easier for GP to ignore in favour of more pressing symptoms ) and you need to have this documented to be able to spot patterns so can get treatment , or decid whether eventually to change from mh med if these should be side effects of it , as you were wondering .
Hopefully it will be insignificant stuff , but I wouldn't be pestering you if I didn't think it needed looking at - otherwise you might start telling yourself off about it .

Sorry for depressing topics at weekend- just in case you see before GP visit .
Gorgeous poppies sstarting round here too -surely earlier than usual ? Love it when they seed in new place s
Hope you've had a peaceful weekend , Keziah , with baby son sleeping a bit better ,< and that you've been enjoing seeing DM , Choc & dd.

< waves again > Ah Choc , i forgot to cheer you on about possibly volunteering for CAB- something salmost uniquely worthwhile I feel , and which I've always wanted to do myself , if I can ever organise my brain .

Have forgotten other thing I'd remebered you'd said
Peaceful night to us all - hot weather may be on the way !

It is sunny yay and as baby only sleeps when moving, lots of excuse for walks right now! (Oh he is quite good at night, just not in the day at sleep!)

< scattersat weather gods
< chucks baby son 'neath chin for nighttime sleep efforts and for accompanying his mummy on lovely walks >

Hope you've had some time outdoors , Choc , and have been up to enjoying it . Is dd 100% recovered ? Not demanding answers here !

Getting on with useful things here , and garden needed attacking , but not enough of leaning mountain climbed yet , as ever...poor DH has vicious toothache after not having time to return to have a root canal checked ... am trying to ensure that sort of thing doesn't happen , seeing if he is eligible for more support as a carer , but these days ... < not giving up >

Wish I was more techy so could share a photo of the Granny Bonnets which have seeded in all the borders, giving a hazy effect< saves seeds for sharing >
Peaceful night , all

Oops shouldn't really be here on MN matchsticks keeping eyes open but such lovely chatter going on . Sooo everyone has been outside today, yay!!!! Keziah you're going to get mega-fit all this walking and pushing .

I've been shopping for plant food so of course had to come home and try it out obviously expecting super-duper fast acting growth or something - didn't happen !! Also more weeding (it really is never-ending, lol!).

Hmm future i'm not sure what a leaning mountain is. Do you mean learning? Ouch poor DH - I've often wondered if I will escape having a root canal. My teeth seem to be moving around all over the place at the moment complete waste of time wearing braces as a teenager . (Btw does dh qualify for carer's allowance for you?)

Ah for the CAB cheer. I haven't applied yet (but nice work advisor has booked 2 hours of his time to help me complete application form and stop me from procrastinating next week.

DD is completely recovered and back at school thank you. Actually she came home today like she'd been drinking amphetamines from the school water fountain! It was exhausting to watch. And then polished off dinner and seconds in record time . (First completely clean plate since last Weds).

Must go now. Off to google Granny Bonnets (hope are nice looking as don't want any nightmares). Night.