Keziah, City, Choc et al support thread

[Keziahhopes]

Hi - found us a new home. Just didn't like the title of my old thread - and have found your support so helpful but would also like this thread to be less egocentric .

Choc -hope cbt assessment goes well.

City - how are you doing?

My physio exercises are helping me, but don't see stroke consultant until beginning of July. Still not had OT assessment, but dont' think will need it by then - just been horrible for dh to do everything for me since Easter. Now more independend - just had my first shower by myself!!

at you learning bad mummy habits from choc , Keziahalready Oooh wow ,you are brilliant to give us updates on baby D - we don't expect you back on here for years

So glad MN helped with ideas on feeding , & you are doing well by the sounds of it -still time for the flow to increase
Sounds very sweet to a non-parent when parents are tracking weight so closely , but of course it's vital stuff - A0

You & I could be sugar-lowering "buddies" if you need to cut down , as I crave carbs & sugar & when feeling jelly

In awe of your streameof visitors , which may not leave you full of energy - yaaay your Dh's hard work

Thank you so much for asking about MIL- she's had to stay an extra fortnight in nursing home , where the care was excellent , because they couldn't find enough carers trained in peg feeding , but she will hopefully be home at weekend with 4 brief visits - am anticipating FIL needing more help with house , and poor MIL wants to stat eating again , which would be v dangerous .

Has your Mum been able to absorb your news ? I keep wondering ,as I know it would mean so much to you for her to be able to greet her new grandson

Hope you're able to wind down , choc < after what sounds like an eventful week
Peaceful night to us all - heee, an extra person to wish that for

May choc & I & peek over cot bars again , please ? < coos >

sorry for typos

at me being source of bad mummy habits, city! At least Keziah is getting good advice elsewhere off MN! I'm still dead impressed at your ability to make it onto MN with DS. He must be a wonderfully content little sleeper, lol. DD was still is a royal pain so probably just as well I'd never heard of MN when she was born!

city so MIL is visiting home this weekend. I do hope it goes to plan. Keziah, it sounds like you're having a very busy weekend too. I bet all your visitors are dead excited to meet the new fella. < choc joins in trying to get a peek >. Hopefully by now you'll be starting to feel a bit more human (it took me years to feel properly human, lol!) and that the feeding is improving.

I've been having a few more problems with pins & needles in my hands & feet/legs which left me unable to stand due to weakness in my legs. It was terrifying enough but the fact that it lasted virtually the whole of one day was scary. A gp at my surgery (my gp wasn't working that day) wanted to prescribe an tricyclic antidepressant (can't remember which one) to help and also suggested lowering my venlafaxine dose or coming off it altogether and switching to something else - he thinks it's side effect of the V. Saw my gp this week, and she is as reluctant as I am to interfere with the V as it seems to be working the best it has done. Also having problems with my throat/ear again (lost voice, sore throat, ear ache etc) but she couldn't see any evidence of an infection so I've had to have xray at hospital. It's all very annoying plus still have one blood test outstanding. Just got my fingers crossed that this coming week will be smoother.

Pleasant rest of weekend to us all. I might get to wind down yet xx

Oh poor thing choc ,< how frightening , and to then hear locum GP's opinion ... have looked up venlafaxine & pins & needles and see it could possibly be linked ,which of course you don't want , but there are countless reasons for p& n to happen and it can be hard to find the cause .< dr city>

Am a bit surprised the GP didn't do dramatic sending you to hospitial thing with legs problem - they tried to admit me once with numbness , as could get lots of in-depth tests dne in one go , but I was too ill & scared after all- day wait (Xmas) & other scary symptoms and they didn't explain that would be only way to get all tests done ( no p&n ! ) . It's not that I think you have any serious health issue , just that it would have been a quick, if scary , way for you to get tests - wonder what Keziah thinks your GP should do next to

Hope the rotten throat /ear thing becomes clear soon , what a horrible week, & other blood test result is OK

I too am amazed Keziah has managed to post
(I was joking about bad mummy habits , you know that don't you , choc ? )
How on earth did you manage dd without MN , choc ? 20 times harder , surely !

Hope you get lots of rest & naps to recover from hectic weekend, Keziah
Busy here , DIY etc - MIL home now , thanks , but nervous hoew care can work afer the excellent nursing homec

Hi , hope you both had as much relaxation over the weekend as circumstances allowed .
Hope you're seeing GP again soon choc for a bit of support & to answer questions and that your Dad is still staying ? Would be good if you could go to the support group , but maybe you don't feel up to it or cab't fit it in

Hope you're sleeping / napping lots , Keziah , & that David's weight is gradually going up
Bless you choc , dd was a pain with her sleep - one of my dns didn't sleep through till 6 years

Had a productive day but am a bit frantic as was less well last week & managed so little ...enjoying blissed - out cats & nest-building - birds in sunny garden < hopes they won't coincide >
Peaceful night to us allxxx

< a little wave from choc >

I had a lie-in Sunday until after midday! Yay! Apparently dd went into my dad's room just after 9am and said: "It's 9 o'clock and mummy's still asleep". Yeah dd's sleep didn't sort itself out until I got a Gina Ford book out the library in desparation. I don't know where I would be without her (Gina that is, lol!)! Hopefully Keziah your ds will be completely blissful (and of course angelic).

Ah city so glad you had productive day. I'm a bit jealous of your sunshine though - send it over - and also a bit concerned about cats and nest building! Fingers-crossed indeed.

Yes I'm seeing gp Thurs - no more scarey incidents thankfully. Thanks for the a&e tip. Actually it honestly didn't occur to me. That said I would have needed to have got a taxi there as legs weren't co-operating. If it ever happened like that again I would definitely go. The problem is by the time I get to the gp the problem has invariably disappeared or returned to normal background levels and it's quite hard to describe what happened. I too don't think it's anything serious because it comes and goes - it's just frustrating when it happens. As for the support group, I don't think I will fit it in as it's at an awkward time late afternoon. I only went last week because I was already in the building.

Oh Keziah do babies still get the red book with all the growth charts etc? So much weighing in the early weeks really . Hope we all have a good day tomorrow. Night xx

Hilarious child ! Grandpa's turn to entertain dd , after your scary week . Glad no more frightening p & n so far , & thank you for reassurance you'll get taxi to a & e if should happen again( just so more likely to get quicker , more compreehensive tests , not because it seems likely to be serious ) . I didn't think to go to hospital myself , either ...!

(PS -did GP really understand you'd been unable to use legs for a while ? May be worth checking she realises how bad it was at the time- sympathies on difficulty describing it fully)

Not surprised you can't regularly get to the support group, bah , but very good that you've felt up to going now & then .

That's very interesting about the Ford method - the cc seems to have a lot of sense to it , but perhaps need to be applied more gently than the book says ?

Hmmm , I've seen many upset Mners start threads about the red book , hv saying baby not gaining enough , etc-top cause of distress each yearI reckon (I've been lurking since you were expecting dd, choc- not much use to me obviously , but good fun )
t
Busy week - not in a fun way

I need to look up infant development to see what David might be perceiving atm - too little to focus yet , I should think ? < so long lurking & yet not learning the important stuff >

< shoos sun towards choc county >

Bad day today . Just tears, tears and more tears. I don't know why I bother. I'm no longer used to the uncontrollable tears, especially in middle of playground. Really not looking forward to tomorrow. I'm supposed to be making a good impression and feel like I'm failing. Twice now I've almost drowned the same mum. She thinks I'm being silly. I know I'm being silly but I can't help it. I don't want her to start ignoring me. People were looking. I hate being looked at. Still upset and it was almost 9 hours ago. Want to know when it all stops. I'm PMing you city (only so I can rant more without fear - don't feel you need to reply )

((((( choc))))) not silly - and even if you were , so what? people who think in terms of silliness are insensitive assholes

Have PMed( bland rambling , I'm afraid) but it's not sending , sob- will see what MN say ( shld have done this ages ago )

lots of love to you , Keziah and David

Oh no , I did come to the board before I fell asleep and saw the other thread I go on but somehow missed this -grrrrr

Thinking of you choc if you feel you can attempt the scary task today , where you feel you have to impress

posting on Site Stuff to see if can sort the PM thingy

Hi again -choc , have had no answers on Site Stuff - sory ,I've been meaning for ages to get it sorted
I'll wait a bit longer for suggestions before posting any sage advice! Really hope you're being kind to yourself -not an unhealthy reaction to be tearful after nasty trigger /under that pressure ...the sheer amount of tears obviously shows trauma/great weariness/ fear xxx

Hi Choc so sorry you feel so bad after your crying episode. I keep telling myself it is ok to cry - and it really is better to not hold things inside. Would going to that support group help, where it is a bit more anonymous to share, if you Dad there to look after dd etc for a time?

Although loving DS, can totally see how being a parent is exhausting - and to do that alone, I am in awe right now! hoping lots of lie-ins and dd being sensible and waking her Granddad again will help.

my goodnews - baby D has got back to his birth weight - with mixed feeding working!! And I have smiled at every person that has been to check up on us and he has been perfectly alert, feeding etc each time so far. Phew! x

So agree with your wisdom , Keziah , and that having sole responsibibility for dc must be oppressive at times ... I feel dreadful looking back at what my Mum went through after being widowed - she really did struggle , with mh , work , finanaces , personal life (& when requested mh help the GPs used to tell her "you're a coper" - though I think today's less open-minded , meds -based regimes would have killed her off ) - sorry to ramble , just remembering how other mothers , even her sisters , didn't really get wahat it felt like to never be able to take a couple of hours off from your child when you're ill/ upset.

Thinking of you choc and thinking prayers really hard !

Brilliant news about David's weight and about the checkups , as I've been fretting for you about the strain of those . It's so exciting sharing a bit of your amazing new life , thank you
Hope your healing is going OK , and that you're not too stressed by the tiredness and the many new things to learn < excited >

Brilliant , brilliant news that the feeding has worked < does jig >

ah this truly is a support thread. thank you . it means a lot especially as i know you're both really busy right now. today was a bit better though i did end up in tears again at school gates this morning. was trying so hard but couldn't quite not. then 'saviour mum' spied me, came over and gave me a talking to. apparently i'm too soft. tough love??? i guess she must like me a bit else she could've given me a wide berth, lol!

Keziah fantastic news about the weight gain sounds as though you're doing amazingly well. (wasn't baby D some kind of dance diva/track? ) also beautiful that he's performing on cue for all your check-ups. perhaps he is a model baby! do you feel like you're dreaming sometimes? i faintly remember the early weeks with dd when i was so blissfully happy it almost didn't seem real. i'd spend ages just staring at her - then my best friend posted me the book "what mothers do" to read during all those moments spent not sleeping and not..well doing anything really other than staring, lol!!

city thanks for reading my rambling PM. as i said, wasn't really expecting a reply - just pleased you read. < keziah breathes sigh of relief that she was spared! > hopefully mn will get back to you eventually about the sending not working. your dm sounds very strong - i imagine becoming widowed is much more traumatic than my situation. i often felt like a single mum when married - ironically it became easier to parent after the separation (no more draining arguments and tiptoeing round on egg shells). it became difficult when the anxiety/depression reared its head. yes am going to make most of dad being here. will be starting to attend a craft group with other mh sufferers next weds. should be very therapeutic.

oh and city there was no scary task as such - just a normal day. will be meeting a friend tomorrow (and gp of course). hopefully find it soothing. xx

Sorry just missed you , choc- Tech has been trying to help - thank you for lovely post and will reply properly a bit later - well done on facing school gates today - does sound as though that Mum likes you
Goodness me , it's a pleasure talking to you , & no trouble - and after all your support & wise thoughts ...amazed Keziahmade time to help us again

Hope you've had a lovely peaceful day , Keziah Glad not a huge task yesterday , choc , and hope you enjoy meeting your friend tomorrow

Kind Techh as been helping with the problem , but doesn't know the exact cause yet ( I suspect it's my PC ) so am wondering whether to post it here - probably best not to ?
Hope we all have a peaceful night < goes all mushy at thought of newborn's cries >

PS that description of first weeks with dd has brought tears to my eyes , choc

Not peaceful day here ... tears started, baby screaming and the nice day we had planned to go out (have missed sunshine and daylight) has been lost as dh decided to be selfish and therefore I am stuck inside on my own with baby for another day. Baby screaming again, for over 30mins so far without stopping. Nothing I can do works. Would have been nice to have had a day out, pretend some normality in my life - but that cannot happen now for at least 9 days now as dh would rather see his family or work. I lost out to work today - and dh is on holiday, so this work not count for anything!, but would rather work than spend time with us - makes me feel so unwanted right now. Feel trapped, useless, unworthy.... not helped by baby behaving for dh but never for me

Oh no Keziah , dh's judgement must have been messed up by newborn-nights < charitable > It is a rights issue when you're physically impaired -even by the CS - and can't drive etc . What does he think this will do for your mh ?

No way you can have a friend to visit ? -presumably not . If you can't manage a short amble out cos baby crying & you not physically able to do all the practical things necessary , perhaps you could sit with him in garden a while ?

Can't imagine s being in sole charge of wailing newborn ...however , David doesn't need to be on best behaviour for his Mummy , does he ? He can rely on you totally , & doesn' t really see himself as separate yet , I believe ? He's completely at ease with you (if not quite comfortable every second of the day ) The thing of infant behaving perfectly for daddy is one I've often seen on Mn

Many hugs to you - you must be exhausted , hormones all over the place , and very upset with Dh
Sorry can't be of help , but will look on thread through afternoonxxx

< waves to choc> Hope you're having a good day

Oh no , just realised what you said in last sentence... feeling unworthy indeed... as for trapped , no matter what limitations , practical / physica l/ financial , posters Mn can help you work out ways of working outside the home / other ways of getting out of constant childcare mode , to help you look after yourself as well as family

Hi - managed a short walk but missed the sunshine. Now can't have the day back, was so looking forward to having a whole day as a family whilst it was nice and sunny and I had energy for a change. Now dh back at work, I have to wait 4 more weeks to get out of this village. Dh will not cancel his plans for weekend so we can go out.

I have started crying, uncontrollably and hate myself. But I can't tell anyone medical because then they will say I can't care for ds. So can't access any help, have to pretent I am great mentally and physically at all times.

Hi Keziah , thanks for updating as have been thinking of you . No no no to hating yourself - (((( Keziah)))) What you need - but is not easy to see how it might be achieved - is to be on a more secure footing , as you would be if 100% fit orable bodied ( hate those words & will research alternatives ) . As my Dh realised some years back with real fear , in agreeing to continue / progress in permanent relationship with someone with significant health issues / impairmet , even if episodic , means a very serious responsibility , and it is hard - but your Dh chose to stay with you and decide to have a child , and he needs to be able to promise noot to let you down , even if it' sonly one in 200 days during a more difficult time. I guess your mobility is still compromisee , you get more fatigue than average , and you're obviously healing from maratho labour and CS . - can't drive .

This s so funsdamental and I feel angry for you , though I don't mean to "put down"your Dh , who may well need some personal space or suchlike . It's the imbalnce of power between the fully fit & those not so , which is so unfair & frightening - agree telling HCP not a good idea .
Can you make a formal agreement with Dh which would mean he specificlly guarantees to drive you & baby for an outing X often , till Y or Z impairment eases ? Agreement to be renegotiated everty 3 months or somthing ? Sorry for quarter-baked ideas ...I don't imagine your Dh will guarantee this ? especially if very close to his bitrth family as you say .
You have a right to assistance in your situation & there are probably people who would help you acces more chelp , but you probably daren't use therm for obvious reasons .. Is there any form of bookable bus/ taxi service in your area for people with physical limitations - ours has people with bken legs etc. Is there a bus service to your village , which you can physically access in a month or so ? If not , can your Dh drive you to a bus / train station / Also , any local friend who might pick you up ?again , maybe not so easy .

Many hugs , and am so sorry to hear yuve felt bad about yourself because of this - you , who pushed your body & mind past every limit to have this child .

Hi - thanks. there are public buses I could use, but it is a 15 minute walk to the bus stop, which due to CS I cannot do just yet. Dh just doesn't seem to realise that I feel trapped, and just wanted to be in a car seeing the trees, countryside, lambs etc etc. Agree tiredness and lack of sleep not helping. Been made to feel selfish and not caring for DS by DH for wanting an hour or two out of the house today

The euphoria of having baby has gone today, hard to keep head in positive space. I have no support, obviously - just as had none before. Dh had been great, till he had to go back to work and now doesn't care about my needs. Got to entertain his parents this weekend, again - so tiring for me and playing hostess, doing the cleaning etc, shopping, cooking is so what I can't cope with right now. Just want to rest, sleep - but can't yet DH can as he not feeding the baby.

Hi againxx -oh no , your Dh needs to be told agin till it sinks in that t is totall normal to need to get out & about - I need that open space experience every day - not v practical ! I really get stressed without it , and I haven't got your responsibilities .
Argh at 15min walk- is there a bus at a time your Dh can drive you there ? and is a taxi back affordable - it would only be once or twice , till you can hopefully walk it .

Sorry about entertianing your ILs againand am going to have to urge you to be very assertive in refusing everything you can't do as if you'll . But you cannot do all the chores you mention - Dh will have to take on more than he would have if you hadn't been ill last year .Sigh , I think a namechange ^& thread in Relationships will give you more tips on asserting yourself at a senstive time - they're kinder than AIBU etc , but could be a stressful experience for you as obviously would have to explain abilities at the moment , etc

I hear that dh was very good before , but you need to demand more . I think you may well have to tell hm you can't entertain again at weekend - vital for your physical & mental health you can sleep . No way can you do all the night feeds and cleaning , endless washing and the bleeping shopping and cooking too - what is your DH thinking of ?
Sorry , I wish I had better suggestions of ways of discussing this with him
Sending positive thoughts that Dh will ind ways of sorting out some of this

Hope it'll all work itself out , Keziah
Hope you were able to meet your friend ,choc , and sorryabout that missing PMbut tech couldn't see where the problem lay , and hasn't been back in touch tosday ...
Sorry still not a proper post , l need a lie down ( who doesn't at this time of night )... wanted to respond to your thoughtful post , chc

Really hope tonight is peaceful , and that you get more sleep soon , Keziah

Oh no I feel like I'm too late! But couldn't read and run Keziah < choc thanks city that at least someone is on the ball today - I've been busy sunning myself in parks > I honestly don't know where to start though, and just wish I could remember enough of what I've read and keep re-reading in your posts. It does sound a horrendous day and I can relate to pretty much most of it unfortunately (and the bits I can't regarding restricted mobility etc city manages very well). I'm somewhat angry about your situation with entertaining. Quite frankly they should be coming over to wait on you not the other way round! I agree with city that you'll really have to try to be assertive with dh. I'm sure you don't need reminding but labour is very, very hard work and it does take a lot out of you so you do need to be kind to yourself. Yes it's awful when that initial euphoria disappears but it is perfectly normal I think. Hormones, adrenalin, exhaustion kicking in etc. Please try to be kind to yourself. If you are still able to sleep I would advise doing so whenever you can and if that means you can't wash up, iron etc then so be it. Your health is more important than a pile of dirty dishes (tip: buy some disposable plates).

As for screaming newborn, you have my sympathies. It does get better - honest. I confess that I did use ear plugs with my dd. If I'd checked and re-checked nappy, food, wind, cuddles etc and she was no different when I picked her up and cuddled her then I would place her in her cot and leave the room and go somewhere where I couldn't hear her for 5 minutes. Babies are not traumatised for life by being left to cry for a few minutes. But to us mums it can mean the difference between coping and going completely bonkers! Does baby D respond to being swaddled? It's worth a try (assuming you haven't already).

I really hope you'll be able to communicate honestly with dh as you really need his support. Practically things are so much more difficult with a baby I imagine even more so after a cs. If you have any friend who might be able to come round even for an hour please ask them. It is ok to ask for help (understand why you don't want to of hcps). You've done amazingly well this whole pregnancy with all the hurdles you've had to overcome. You're very strong indeed and we'll be here to keep reminding you of that when you're feeling unworthy . Sending hugs over. I'm home tomorrow so will try to look in. xx