Keziah, City, Choc et al support thread

[Keziahhopes]

Hi - found us a new home. Just didn't like the title of my old thread - and have found your support so helpful but would also like this thread to be less egocentric .

Choc -hope cbt assessment goes well.

City - how are you doing?

My physio exercises are helping me, but don't see stroke consultant until beginning of July. Still not had OT assessment, but dont' think will need it by then - just been horrible for dh to do everything for me since Easter. Now more independend - just had my first shower by myself!!

< waves to choc and Keziah > Hope you're both less tired and that you're on the mend , Keziah . Have you been packing your bags using Mn lists ?... How fabulous to hear you saying you're organising the nursery . ww choc am amazed someone as larger than life as dd always seems to me is only 4 and 3 quarters .

Lovely , lovely programme on BBC4 and on i - player later -The Private Live sof Medieval Kings , full of illumnated manuscripts

Am being very boring with cleaning for house inspection again , but lots of family stuff etc and DH & I very happy car unexpectedly passed MOT

Very peaceful evening and night to us all xxx

< early morning wave > congrats on the results Keziah and city (infection and surprise MOT pass). Yay! Hopefully this will be it before the birth. I can't believe you're at the stage of packing your hospital bag! Or are you just being ultra organised? Nice to hear you're still cleaning for the inspection city. In fact I did some cleaning and ironing today despite feeling like going back to bed. We overslept again this morning and ended up having to run to school. So much for my unspoken new years resolution of not being late for school.

I've had my blood tests done today so just got to wait for the results xx

< early morning wave back to choc & Keziah > Hope you're both OK , and yaaaaay at your tests being sent off , choc .... sorry , wil post properly later

Very peaceful night to you bothxxx

Hi city, me up again! Too much day time sleep for me (was woken up minutes before leaving for pm school run by the alarm on my mobile - lucky I had set it really ). xx

< choc wonders whether Keziah is counting the days! >

< choc needs help please > Not good today. I've been trying to forget things and can't anymore. Keep overthinking but then can't do anything. Want to post somewhere but can't work out correct place and don't want to sound like a completely neurotic mh mnetter posting in the "wrong" place. Just feeling paralysed again. Currently trying to "sit" with my feelings (but really just want to self-destruct - yet I know that's not the answer)...

Oh no choc , I didn't see you there - was sure I checked this morning . Am probably much too late , but please PM me if there's anything you need to get off your chest - can't get the right phrase .. Hopefully it is a sign of necessary emotional "work" - rather irritating phrase )

< waves to Keziah > Really hope you're OK , no sicckness or really difficult anxiety - think f you often

< twirls round each of you with my cottonwool >

I don't think I can do this now city although part of me would like to attempt to explain. For now I think I'm going to have to step away from here for a few days. Am really triggered and feeling pretty mixed up, but hard for me to off load in writing. I wish I could but brain dont wannt to play . Feel really paranoid and confused, don't think I'm ever going to escape this. Hope you and Keziah ok. I'll be back soon. Thanks for your support xx

Oh (((( choc )))) , I think you will get through it , but so upset for you it's obviously a hard road .
Thank you for coming back to warn will be away a bit , & so hope it helps ... miracles can happen < grateful evidence >
Thank you for your life-changing supportxxx

Choc just read your messages (been having some awful days of not coping, ended up being referred to the Crisis Team who basically are so awful here and told me to watch a film, take a bath and go for a walk ---- grrrr..... if that is the last resort support I am concerned!!! Takes me time to pick myself up from them !!)

-- Can you phone the samaritans, or another helpline if it helps to offload to a stranger; sometimes just being heard is a step forward

-- Have you got your physical test results back, as if you are not well physically it may be making things harder for you

-- totally understand the need to withdraw, you do what you need to do for you to get through this tough time and know we are here, with all our faults and failures to care

-- for me when I really deteriorate I seem to lose all words, verbally especially

will not go on, as you probably not want to read this!!! But (((((((((((((for you)))))))))))))

Oh Keziah , many hugs to you and you are amazing to help like this . I did PM choc to ask her not to be so hard on herself , but your advice much more concrete . Agree physical health & sleep things not helpful for choc atm - she had a specific hellish appt which was very upsetting .

Words fail me abourt Crisis Team... actually they don't but my ranting wll only make you feel worse . Hope with all my heart you can feel calmer soon , & of course please post / PM if need tlistening ear etc .

love & prayers to you both < feels helpless >

Thinking of you both this morning & hoping I can help in some wayxxx

Sending you both lots of love and hoping for improvements for youxxx

((((((city and Keziah))))) Thank you both so much for your lovely posts and messages - they made me cry and laugh . Sorry Keziah you too are going through an awful patch - and yes amazing of you to advise so succinctly . Also appalled at so called Crisis Team but sadly I have heard similar from a lady who goes to the Mind group I've attended a few times. In fact after speaking with her I stopped believing that I was missing vital help in the form of their care!

I've calmed down over the last couple days from the OH doc appt (this is what set me off Keziah) but still feeling a little disorientated. I have off-loaded to an in-the-flesh friend of the work variety and she was lovely and offered to help me complete my form for representation this week. This has been hanging over me for so long but I just keep being paralysed by the task. It's the "everything is ok" syndrome provided I bury my head in the sand. I'm trying to keep occupied as my head fills up with thoughts so rapidly. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't jump around but they do. I was recommended by the surgery cpn to go through IAPT again to do CBT again but with a different counsellor but I haven't contacted them as I just don't know how it would be any different than before. I've realised maybe I intuitively use CBT a lot of time under normal circumstances so when crisis hits I literally lose the ability to carry on using it. Do you think I'm being unreasonable not to want to try it again? The thing is right now I don't even know what would help. It just feels like I'm waiting to die, thinking that however suicidal I feel for every day that goes past there is even less chance of me successfully completing it. Also reading a story in the guardian about how someone survived throwing themselves under a train doesn't inspire me with much confidence.

Well off for a - that will solve all of my non-problems . Congrats city on almost single-handedly keeping the thread near(ish) the top . Here's to a peaceful tomorrow xx

Oh choc , my turn to cry now . The way you're feeling isn't "right" , even if philosophically it makes a certain amount of sense for humans to have urge to die at various times , & I was always open about such feelings , thinking they are not always a symptom of illness . In this case , I get the feeling it is a mh problem talking , depression etc , as well as your personality ..... So much to to talk about and will keep trying to do so . Am so glad you can be honest , and obviously , medical with OH doctor very , very natural to trigger crisis . Think you're doing amazingly ell since then .

( Sorry , jumping backwards a bit here , to the 1st paragraph) -Most posters on this board would urge you to get to doctor , even A&E , immediately , and persevere with drug changes . I can't pretend to have faith in psychiatry , but some things do work for any one person , on the basis of experience / intution of practitioners , so there will be counselling and maybe meds that help you .

I absolutely think you need lots of talking therapy and delving to the causes of the recurring problems . Really relieved to see surgery nurse suggesting even just CBT - I know what you meqan about already using many of the techniquest .

I think there are big issues for issues for a highly analytical person having talking therapies as many therapists are not geared to the more intellectual approach in a short course of treatment ( & some therapists would of course say the analytical approach is a barrier to doing x or y work , & hopefully help you round that)

Good you're managing to keep busy < not too much , fret fret > and we will find ways fror you to feel different < bicep -flexing emoticon >

Sending you loads of love from us , Keziah - can you imagine how many good wishes we're sending you , day & night ? < Keziah splutters under weight of hopeful thoughts > Hope overwhelmingly that you can feel steadier and get support whilst avoiding unhelpful professionals - can we help at all ? Anything at allxxx

sorry for typos - and I meant the over-analytical approach - analytical quite useful in therapy -

Hi - Choc sorry OH apt set you off... they are so not nice. Am so glad you have someone in the flesh, work related, to help you with that paperwork. I found actually doing it, getting that thing over with more helpful than anything else!!

If I was you I would try the CBT again - I think it is down to the person, not the type of therapy that makes all the difference. And if they don't think it is helping, they can they recommend other things hopefullly - it is a way into the system.

Sorry - things not good here. You are missing nothing from Crisis Team, apart from them checking whether I need to be in hospital (I know what NOT to say though so that is ok!!) I have never got as far as being referred to CBT - I am either too well, too ill or pregnant. The best thing now is I have had 2011 as a year of assessment for therapy, been sacked by 2 mental health care co-ordinators (don't go there - grrrr) and when I eventually find someone who is great I only got 6-8 sessions with her!! Why? Because they only asked for short term work and as soon as they found out I was pregnant I lost that. Got referred to peri-natal mental health team who refuse to even see me for an assessment (this is the head psychiatrist refusing me) due to goodness knows what!! So normal mental heatlh say they can't work with me as am pregnant, but the team that should take me on will not as I have the wrong labels, or one label that they don't work with apparently. The fact that this label is incorrect and even the Head of the county says I was labelled with that for funding purposes (irony is I have had no care needing funding but others got it from my funding and he is meant to be investigating it as I was not labelled with any diagnostic tools or process etc = but this investigation seems to have been forgotten about!!) only is making me angry.

Anyway, I am feeling calmer - dh had to stop working to supervise me. The person i saw for 6 sessions saw me for 2hrs on Friday as an emergency as noone would see me and it was only after dh and my midwife rang up everyone and anyone high up!! Then I feel bad as she saw me more rational than I had been, well sort of = and she had to then phone my care co-ordinator (on holiday for a week) and the crisis team to tell them how to deal with me, as she said they had the wrong approach as they didn't know what was wrong and she worked it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Uh???????????? I give up!!

Private care would be ideal if:

• money not an issue mid/longish term - can only afford short term
• nhs people are concerned and only way to convince them am ok to be a Mum is by them seeing me
• I could find anyone who didn't drop me after spending £££ on them, as happened last time we tried private, or we run out of money first.

Anyway, they gave me some emergency medication (like diazpeam but meant to be safer in pregnancy) that has given my head some relief.

City sorry no replies, head not always in right place right now. So I have splurged here in lots of waffle.

Choc - my horrific week IS passing, things are improving for me so I have every confidence things will for you SOON. Sorting out the things that are causing distress sounds horrible (work, forms) but once they are out of the way that should help distress reduce.

Oh - the only good news, I have been awarded DLA for 2 years without having to see a Dr - as all my medical reports count instead. This is going to help massively as I have had to stop work earlier than I wanted to etc etc and I am not well enough to care for a baby on my own 5 days a week (stroke, mental health) so hopefully can buy in the care we need a bit now (no family or friends to help sadly) - it will not buy very much, but just half a day a week is going to really help. Just need to decide what to pay for now!!

Well done if you managed to read all my post - I couldn't read at all a few days ago!!

Thank you Keziah for detailed update , what a grim time it's been and was wondering how on earth you were going to manage . It sounds as though you & DH got the very most from the "services" it was humanly possible to . Incredible that still no treatment ... so much in your post ( & of course , most of the time you probably need to try & compartmentalize it for your own health )

I know private therapy unaffordable but the situation was so desperate last week - I know you were dropped by one therapist .
Not surprised DH had to stay with you at end of last week , and know he works long hours and there has needed to be so much adjustment -am amazed you 've managed without calling him home most days
Very glad you finally have a safer anti - anxiety drug and are feeling a little better . Cheering here that you got the DLA you deserve . Hope MN can suggest get good sources of info on childcare options . Meantime , hope you can potter about getting nursery ready

So true about therapist herself being more important than the therapy ,CBT person potentially referring to other form of talking therapy The previous CBT therapist assessed you as having difficulties which were too complex for the basic CBT. Totally agree with K that things are going to impreove for you soon , & that getting the hideous tasks out of the way will help you whatever the outcome .

Cheery here , though DH's work is a very punishing schedule for both of us and MIL lots of difficulties ( loving her 2 mins of personal care twice a day though , nice chatty women - but that's about to end , so more battling to come ) . Thinking of your Mum , Keziah

This morning the car had snow melting fom it ! Would have dragged DH out to play in it if I'd seen it snowing overnight . Lots of flakes today but too warm < wishes hard > Hope you two stay snug and safexxx

Oh - just a quick PS:

• apparently peri natal mental health only offer short term help (up to 18 months - know a friends relative in this area got 18mths therapy with a clinical psychologist for post natal depression) and apparently as I am under a mental health team I already have long term help. Dh rang up Gp to discover this. The fact that in 5 years I have had 6 sessions of help with a therapist and nothing else at all whatsoever is irrelevant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No snow here

Nooooooo , Keziah -they 've really got it stitched up , haven't they ? Even though a team can refuse help for years , as long as you're on their books , you're classed as receiving longterm help . I suppose they have prepared strategies for the rare clients who can afford to go to court , or get legal aid ... aren't these local authorities clever .

Is there any point contacting the high-up who was supposed to be investigating the other issue he told you about ? There really needs to be a breathrough here < rants incoherently > - I am incensed to hear your case is being totally ignored yet again , whereas a PND case got long term support from same authority.
Is there any different advisor available at all ? Any legal centre etc in town you haven't tried ? Can we help where phones are the issue ?

< waves to choc > Sorry if my fretting has depressed you further I didn't mean to be all doom and gloom , especially when you make us laugh so much too , but we want a happier , calmer choc .

Every time the forecast comes on I say "please , over Keziah* ". It tried to snow here yesterday , but didn't settle

PS am now fretting about icy roads and pavements for you again , Keziah - not that you'll be very mobile by this point , unfortunately .
Have you got any nice distractions or are you still bored & anxious when on enforced rest ? You have needed such patience < in awe >

Hi - dh on case with high up person. No reply to phone or email for 2 weeks now -= how they avoid doing anything!!!

Baby is now officially off all charts for weight and tummy size. Joy is they think I have gestational diabetes but as I only have 5 weeks to go the midwife said they will not bother sending me to the diabetic midwife or treating me - only bother with a 2nd pregnancy in the future!! So I can go 12 days overdue when baby is 6lb 7oz at 35 weeks (not quite 35 actually) but if they picked it up 7 weeks ago I would have had specialist midwife care and induced if not deliveered by 39 weeks. Seems to be a recurring theme with medical people with me - identify a problem and they say we can't be bothered with you at this time as you don't meed NHS trust policy!!

Haven't read posts properly but wanted to say a quick hello from me (attempt to stop you from fretting ). I'm reading and re-reading but not sinking in much. Lack of very, very short-term memory perhaps? Though I can see Keziah's "non-treatment" is continuing rather nicely . Wish we could do something. Frustrating that when we're in a position to do something we probably don't need something doing, and vice versa.

I keep losing time. Don't know what I've done since just after 8pm . Oh well at least I'm safe I guess that's the main thing. No snow here, though I did get sleeted on during my walk this morning.

Can't believe you've only got 5 weeks left Keziah. It was shortly after this stage that I just wanted the baby OUT. Shame they're not planning to treat the gestational diabetes - you may have had your pregnancy cut short .

No you've not depressed me further city but you did make me feel like I have no "insight". It's all feeling quite "normal" at the moment but I'm sure that's not reality. I'm having a dilemna at the moment as can't decide whether to go to an uncle's funeral . Long history there. I wasn't planning on going but then another uncle rang me and I feel guilty now for not going even though I haven't seen him in about 4-5 years (despite us living around a mile apart). I just don't know if I'd feel differently if I wasn't feeling so down but then I've got a few weeks to decide so things may be different by then.

< choc waves goodnight to all >

HiKeziah ...I know the term is obsolete but I 've been having a slow nervous breakdown watching helplessly as all types of services fail you . So , so sorry you have this worry . Is there in fact doubt that it may be gd ?I'm very worried that they're not going to even give you appt with diabetes mwi , let alone deiver early or treat in any way - so you're not meant to be monitoring your blood glucose , controlling with diet ,etc ?

I 've seen long running threads on gd on the pregnancy board and would urge you to read those if you haven't already sen them , and reassure yourself this course of inaction is standard / optimal .www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/1119978-Gestational-diabetes-misdiagnosis/AllOnOnePage

Ah , thanks for update on high-up person but for you at their evasiveness .
Aaaaah how is your anxiety supposed to be manageable with this uncertaity over pg monitoring

I don't know what to say about having made you feel like that about insight ,choc. The way things come across on a screen can become very distorted , but I think it takes quite a lot to make me think a friend needs any more than CBT , and < says she loftily > I think I'm pretty unimpressed by UK/US psychiatry & the way medication tends to be prescribed , & would usually think a person better off without meds unless they'd had brilliant experiences with them -point is , I did get the impression you needed some medication as your ups & downs seemed to show a pattern of being close together ... maybe it's all down to the very incomplete picture of everyday life we inevitably get on here . However , the frequent feelings about death are worrying me , even though I had a long , long period of my life sort -of-coping whilst being very philosophical about feeling like that

I think the way you felt after grim appt wasn't necessarily a symptom of mh problems , but maybe you were having PTSD type experiences ? Sorry for rambly reply , brain mushy . Indeed , very glad you're safe ,(sniff) and sorry about uncle & for other uncle pressurising you somewhat . Best protect yourself atm , & hopefully you'll be much better by time of final decision
hugs to you bothxxx

A rare daytime post from me...

I got my blood test results back today and according to the nurse they are all normal. I did think that would be the case because they generally always are. But I couldn't help but wish there was something wrong. Anything to blame how I'm feeling on rather than just accept the fact that I'm sick in the head. I feel such a fraud - don't think my gp will believe me anymore . So a year of pins and needles written off as anxiety! Aarghhh!!! xx

Sorry Keziah , am probably being eeven more OTT than usual about possible gd & will try to get a balanced picture - I know it's very common