Keziah, City, Choc et al support thread

[Keziahhopes]

Hi - found us a new home. Just didn't like the title of my old thread - and have found your support so helpful but would also like this thread to be less egocentric .

Choc -hope cbt assessment goes well.

City - how are you doing?

My physio exercises are helping me, but don't see stroke consultant until beginning of July. Still not had OT assessment, but dont' think will need it by then - just been horrible for dh to do everything for me since Easter. Now more independend - just had my first shower by myself!!

Hello lovely people. Well 1 week and 2 days to go till the important 24 week mark, feels countable now. Am being good and have 2 days of resting planned. Need to phone hospital later for test results from last week, but leaving it till afternoon as don't expect results back so early and don't feel like phoning (or getting someone else to phone realistically) twice.

Mh provision can vary so much - I have had a useless, or even worse, unhelpful consultant to do medication but that really has been it, apart from the distressing episode with MH workers the other year, that I am now getting MH supprt (out of area after a long fight) to help me with. The thought of actually giving me actual help seems to beyond anyone and I can't cope with fighting for it anymore. Yes, with a child it will be interesting if anything changes - I know it does if you get PND (support till baby 1) but am determined not to get PND.

choc hope dd got a top and skirt/trousers ironed. Sometimes I find leaving things to last minute helps, as have to do it then. Though for next 9 days am totally not able to do housework which is the only benefit I can think of from last week's scare!

So happy to see you , Keziah !!!! Been checking often , & hope the days till the important date won't be too stressful , with the housework ban being an added pain ... surely you can indulge in some Mning meanwhile?

Am absolutely enraged by the neglect of your mh , in your circumstances , & as you know I've experienced mixture of neglect & attempts to be efforts over assertive when they "panicked"-- years too late - then was dropped like a stone with no support whatsoever .

Incredibly sorry you have no energy for the fight currently ,not surprising given pg , fatigue & the need to ensure decent care of your physical health & pg .If you can carry on trying to manage anxiety & distracting yourself for next weeks , you may find a small seed of fight regrows for new attempts at getting mh support . Hope few sessions of support you are getting to deal with the issue help you feel safer for the future ... I know it is not bearable to feel so unsafe

I've got your cold rainy weather , choc . Very good point about a time pressure adding impetus to a task , Keziah , helps me too. . I'm sure you'll both agree it's harder work just getting outdoors when you need to have lots of cleanish warm clothes etc < grumps around sorting laundry > < guiltily recalls childhood with DM doing laundry at outside sink on a washboard >

Calming ,sunny vibes to you both xxx

Sorry , took forever for that post to get through - was bursting to say hi

Good to see you Keziah < choc breathes huge sigh of relief > And so pleased to hear you've been resting well. What no housework for 9 days? .

city you needn't have worried about me hovering on MN. I've been useless today - truly . Oh well I'm here now at least for a short while. Agree with you both about time pressure. Thinking about it, I have always worked in this way since adolescence (coursework, revision, essays, dissertation, job applications etc etc). Probably completely unhealthy and resulted in major stress and anxiety . Old habits die hard! I did finish the ironing last night but today I've only managed to bang a few nails into my long, drawn out DIY project I've felt so shattered. Hopefully tomorrow will be better as I'm finding it really hard to distract my head when I'm not doing something. I'm getting quite impatient to have my meds review now yet I still don't know when my appt is. I hope it is soon - I'm running out of diazepam! < choc checks whether Keziah is coping without it>.

Gosh city I remember the wash board! One of my aunts used to have hers over the bath tub. Those were the days...

Here's to us keeping our feet up xx

Sorry choc , didn't see you till now . Sounds as if you're having an even worse time than I thought & are doing amazingly well to get dd to school , fed , etc etc . This medication review seems so overdue - do you see cpn at end of the week ? Surely you should be receiving therapy ... sorry , I'm like a broken record , & know you said something about the later the other day < sleepy >

Interesting about leaving tasks to last minute , & I really feel for you with the distressing emotions or thoughts when nothing to distract you ... I had a long period of this & will never forget it . Hope you can sleep without too much disruption .

Am surprised you can remember good old washboards too They gave a thorough scrub - our poor worn out grandparents

Thinking of you , Keziah - have you taken up choc's suggestion of knitting yet ? < needle needle >

sorry for typos - " know you said something about the latter the other day "

Yeah it's not a great time, city. This last month the anxiety worsened which makes the depression worse. I was starting to struggle at my last gp appt a month ago and when I mentioned it she wouldn't agree to increase the venlafaxine but I did get her "blessing" (too strong a word but ykwim ) to take more of the diazapam short-term. When I rang in again last week about my anxiety I was told that this week we could look at longer term anti anxiety meds but of course that's now been superseded by the cpn's referral so I'm basically on the same meds as last week whilst waiting for the review appt < sighs >. The diazepam continues to take the edge off but it's making me really lethargic. I'm just tired of fighting really. I feel like it's been such a long time and I get this feeling that it may start all over again if the meds review translates that I need different meds.

I really am feeling quite overwhelmed by everything which makes me shut down even more. I haven't even got round to speaking to the advocate or the union. I find it all so stressful. Also, found out that if OH enquire about any previous mh issues in the gp report request it will get divulged. At least my gp looked sorry and apologetic when she told me this. Great, my employer is on the verge of gaining evidence that this is all my fault and not theirs. I just feel like giving up. I don't mean to sound paranoid but it just feels like they're looking for excuses now. And they're coming from the position of strength. I really can't do this battle with them .

sorry choc , didn't see your post - was not posting daft stuff on other thread without trying to say something comforting .
I'm not surprised you're shocked at this one - sided practice but ( and this is a depressing read I know ) -

• employers have probably only a couple of options / variants for "resolving" the situation or a variant - no intention of adjusting their practices - so your efforts to fight in a really determined /detailed way might in fact be in vain & you shouldn't lose more sleep over it

b) you may find things work out better in the long run if the worst happens

c) I still think it's a "winnable" argument that the employer's practices would cause undue stress on employeee with no "history " of "mh problems" ( oh it's all such b*)s and that union / legal centre could advise more closely

Sorry for burbling , but please do not feel alone ... so many workers made ill by these unfair laws & procedures weighing against them , & I'm certain few of them manage nearly as well as you are . Truly awad by what you're managing in the face of such unbearable uncertainty ( I really mean it )

You might feel you can ask the universe , or your subconscious / "Inner Teacher ", to send you pointers on the road to take , but obviously that might be iffy advice when you've serious depression - or might be safe to try at some point

Sorry for strage post , bit of a migraine
Lots of love yto you & Keziah - we're thinking of you & sending positive thoughts , K
peaceful night all xxx

Choc - with OH, yes they can find out about previous MH issues from gp, however did you ever get signed off long-term with them? Or signed off at all with it? If the answer is NO then you can PROVE that without unnecessary work stress and re-organisation and losing job/role that you would have continued absolutely ok at work, as you had with any other previous episodes. An advocate may really take the stress out for you, so hope you can manage to call one (they can be busy so you will not necessarily get appointment quickly anyway, so phoning doesn't mean having to see one straight away).

Family stresses here, great - not good timing! Want to hibernate and wake up in spring with all ok. Hedgehogs and toads are lucky creatures.

You are exactly what choc needs to hear , Keziah . Really hope you can get some advice , and also , soon , choc.

So sorry about family stresses - dreadful timing indeed .
We're all turning into dormice on the other thread I post on , so < shows Keziah to cosy nestbox lined with warm moss >

Am fond of toads & been helping neighbour make a toad shelter from a pond liner . Am so lucky winter doesn't cause me depression - summer , on the other hand , does set me off if already low ( childhood memories I think ) but not in the same , deepseated sort of way I see people suffering in winter .

Peaceful evening most fervently wished for xxx

sorry for typo - "advice and also advocacy" is what I meant ... and as for muttering on about toad shelters

at toad shelters - when digging up some self-planted trees etc we found 3 toads hibernating in soil below!!! Dug them back in, we now find one most years in the garden !! Eats insects, most helpful.

Mm - nestbox, now that is tempting.

I had a big fight with previous employer as was signed off with depression. They tried to dismiss me. Short version of story is when actually saw OH they were helpful, it was just the form to them from employer that made them appear unhelpful!! I was able to talk about how I had had depression for many years without having time off, so there must be another reason alongside it. Was able to talk about incidents of bullying (which other colleagues admitted happening but would do nothing official about - so couldn't prove) and also said I thought it was linked to an undiagnosed physical health issue but NHS not test, grrr so was waiting. So due to physical test list they allowed me more months on sick pay. Low and behold 4 months later I was diagnosed with an unusual health issue that was enough to show that without treatment it made my depression worse and hence I was signed off for first ever time due to this contributing factor. Work not happy, but law on my side!!!!!! I then found a better job elsewhere eventually. So if you can show that you had mental health issue before something else happens it can actually be on your side choc and more helpful to disclose. To prove a point!! As many people work whilst on medication, with treatment etc - as long as work is a supportive place etc. They are even meant to make reasonable adjustments if OH says so!!

Really feel for you choc as been there (with work and OH) myself and it was horrible. But once I could fight the system it helped. Am confident you will get there. Oh and took my DH to all meetings with me, to make notes - in a suit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even if he never wore one usually to show I wasn't someone to walk-over. But an advocate can do the same job for you - though don't think mine owned a suit

Thank you. You two are trying so hard with me and I feel guilty now . I just don't think I can do it. I'm becoming paralysed. I don't feel safe unless I'm asleep. All the things you said make sense though a lot of it I can't take in at the moment. Keziah I do see what you're trying to say about previous history and no I've never been signed off long term before. I may have been signed off for a couple of weeks but can't remember for definite. And city I agree. I really do just want to let go of it all. I don't want to fight really. Maybe that's why I can't be bothered. I'm just unable to stop it all whirring round my head and then it spins off into other areas of my life. I don't like being me right now. Keziah I think you were really brave to fight the system. I wish I was in a better place to be able to do that. Sorry hope you don't feel like you've wasted your time xx

choc you are not well right now, so it is totally ok to feel how you feel, though I wish for you that you didn't. I didn't fight straight away, or every time - in the end I had no choice if I didn't want to lose my home, sadly,

Please don't feel guilty. Fear and anxiety are overwhelming. I do think a short phonecall to an advocate could release some fear. Do you think your cpn could phone for you if you couldn't? Or someone else? I think if it was sorted, or delegated you might be able to be in a better place.

Right - lets think of nice things. I am becoming a couch potato, so tv is good distraction... what are you all watching? I am watching masterchef

Hello everyone. I am going to tag myself onto the bottom of this thread if that's ok. I am occasional visitor/poster in mental health, mainly because mine is utterly unreliable. I am sadly going through a bad patch. And the idea of a bit of anonymous support is very appealing. This is going to be a very slow posting though as I've hurt my right arm and can't type so fast.

I'll see if I can find my previous threads so I don't have to retype my background but briefly, I have suffered on and off with depression for about 9 years. I had a complete breakdown this time last year, and became suicidal. Since then been on ads which have made a massive difference but in May found out I was pregnant with dc3. Cue another meltdown, and huge pressure from inlaws to terminate. Suffice to say am now 26 weeks-ish. I went through a really good patch in the summer. I felt like Julie Andrews skipping round the mountains in the Sound of Music singing, 'I'm cured' .

But since the end of September I have skidded headlong into another bad patch. Definitely not as bad as last year, but I just can't believe I am here again. I am dreading having another baby. I have started a course in upholstery which I absolutely love. I have an amazing psychiatrist, a therapist, on ads, a supportive family yet I am slipping. I am so frightened. I DON'T WANT to be depressed. I don't want to dread waking up in the morning. I don't want to hate myself. I can't bear it. So I know there is nothing you can all can do. But I just want to put it down somewhere. Otherwise I think I might start drowning. I don't want that.

Hello luckywinner - thanks for typing all of that despite a broken arm. I too am pregnant (23 weeks. It is great you have good support from professionals, hopefully you can use them to sort medication to get the most from it and have strategies to help you. I don't have a baby yet - but choc has a dd on this thread.

Please do tag yourself . Great you have found a course you enjoy - hope that is helping.

I'll try to give you a brief background from me to save you reading back (if I ever posted it so simply!) I have been under a mental health system (well sort of - lost a great cpn, had long time of nothing or of bad support grrr..) and medication for about 7 years. Some good spells. Had 2 very bad episodes. Now off all medication (for me pregnancy seems to help), but finding am struggling more as winter is coming, or more months off medication - as wasn't meant to be on the meds I was on when pregnant. Trying to convince psychiatrist all is well as had difficult time with this new psychiatrist (seem to have convinced so far!!).

-- Well had a lovely session of accupuncture today, which seems to have helped anxiety so am going to go every month now till baby due. Think as lady treats lots of people who are pregnant/difficulty with pregnancy it helped, just nice to talk without judgement too. She persuaded me to try pregnancy pilates, so going to see if can motivate myself to contact the organiser (please "encourage" me with this - to help my mobility and strength on weaker side.

Hope some nice weekends planned for you. Had row with dh last night (oversomething silly really, felt he was working too much and was lonely).

Hi Keziah and city and welcome to luckywinner. How lovely that you and Keziah at similar stages of pregnancy . I remember posting on your thread when you were deciding whether to have dc3 - I really felt for you. Sorry to hear you've hit a rough patch - me too although not pregnant. I too had Julie Andrews moments both during the second trimester and for a year or so after the birth (dd is 4 now). Isn't it horrid when it all goes tits up .

Ok following Keziah's lead... my mh has been crap "officially" for around 16 years (anxiety/depression). This episode (number 5, but the first since becoming a mum) has been triggered by work yet until this year I honestly believed that pregnancy had "cured" me .

Oooh Keziah, acupuncture . I used to love my sessions (can't afford it now else I'd do it like a shot). It really sorted out my insomnia. Shame I can't get it on the NHS (I did try and they said only for pain relief - apparently mental pain doesn't count).

Ok I'm much calmer today (and diazepam-free) probably because I now know I have my meds review appt next week, yay! It has given me something to aim at and that hopefully I can get my meds sorted out. I think I'm willing to try anything (please remind me I've said that ). I almost rang the advocate today, but think I will manage it next week.

Here's to getting (and keeping) support (and to staying calm). xx

Oh and city I meant to say the other night (but was in too much of tis your post wasn't strange but helpful. Thanks .

Ooh - Choc am sure we could make up some general pain somewhere type thing for you. Yes, shame not on NHS - it is the best thing i have done and will have to stop after stop earning!! Great news for your review appointment. Reading your post really encouraged me that you had good spell after birth. I perhaps should have said had one major episode before under mental health team, but as no medical people did anything (re-occurring theme for me) I tend to forget it. I am so cross I have 6 sessions - 6 only in years!!!!!!! Yes, have been put in hospital and had to give up full-time work but nothing (either too ill, not ill enough, wrong label or they have no staff... grrr) - so agree with you choc on getting (and keeping) support. Or even better - us not needing it!! One thing am determined about is to not have social service involvement with my child - but as they never given me therapy I will fight them suddenly getting involved!!

choc maybe ask (if get people giving presents or happy to be directed - can't say I do with my family, but ....) for accupuncture voucher/money for treatment for Christmas or birthday?

Ok autumnwatch watched, chocolate munched - now bedtime - and a weekend of putting up rest of bookcase that began (ahem) a few too many months ago!

Hi all , good to meet you luckywinner Been trying & trying to post today , & things keep changing with each new post

You're amazing me with your optimism today , choc , so pleased .
So sorry this has all been so scary , have been really fretting for you , but the meds review could give you better guidance - will you be able to sneak in qs about possbility of talking therapy ?
Keziah so right that just phoning the advocacy service could release some of the pain- excellent phrase . Very good sign that you nearly managed it - I wouldn't have thought you'd manage that after horrible week . < joins in choc's toast >

The acupuncture sounds brilliant , Keziah , & fascinated that it helped your insomnia so much , choc . Agree would be good on the NHS -now being dismantled- never been able to afford it for mh or physical things , & disgraceful that you'll be in same position , K . Don't suppose the OT ever got in touch to assess you ? Think Pilates could help your strength & balance -... never tried it but could manage tai chi which pilates has borrowed from heavily < and found it very helpful , as have others I know . The exercises would be likely to really help strength & balance . < dutifully tries to motivate Keziah >

I think you know how I feel that you've been left in danger by the system , & have had v similar experiences . Hope these measly few sessions are some help for the trauma you experienced .
luckywinner survived .
Hi Very glad you've written it down & reached out to people , glad to meet you and very glad you're getting professional help & have family support . Sympathies on broken arm - 2 of us find typing awkward due to physical problems. What fun caring for dc with pain
Please do link us to old threads if you like - via PM probably safer
Obviously reallyfeel for you being in fear of falling into the pit again when close to delivering a dc you've already fought to bring into the world

Hmm, as to me luckywinner , have not suffered depression for years now , though very stressed by life circs atm . Had severe depression & anxiety from a young child due to a v isolated childhood in unsafe environment , then bereavement , especially seeing HCP s neglect patients < cheery cheery >.

What drew me to Keziah's thread were strong similarities in mh professionals' attitudes & the way the system treated / refused us in times of fairly routine need & true emergency . Mh services are vastly worse in my area than 10 years ago , too , so I feel strongly about those left to -not- cope .
.
2 events lifted my depression - realising the true picture about my family life & the "toxic" people I'd sought out in adulthood , & having a very intense MS relapse which seems to have numbed the part of my brain where the most physical sensations of anxiety are relayed , IYSIM < great joy >.

So, only needing - but no hope of getting - mh support for severe organisational problems , and I do have social / communication problems , again somehow related to childhood & one of the problems on the lines of dyspraxia , ADD - can't get an assessment to pin it down ..

Dh & I don't t have dc , that's not how it worked out , but I love hearing about those of friends .

Amazed at your hibernating toads , Keziah - and 3 of them ! Thank you for tucking them back in underground.
Know how frustrating it is seeing dh toil all hours , then spoil the precious time by ending up bickering I know must be very much harder when pg hormones making you feel extra vulnerable , & emotional . ( no real idea , just has been the experience of friends ) &I know enforced l rest bores you . Made me giggle to se "Autumnwatch watch, chocolate munched "... a blissful bedtime routine

Peaceful night xxx Sorry , 10 times longer than sensible for you or me < never again >

Oooooh thank you city for giving me lovely novel to read whilst unable to sleep !!! (I've already washed the bathroom floor - it hadn't seen a mop in weeks, lol). So very, very, very glad you didn't decide on being sensible tonight (but oh please don't say never again...). I was very interested to read that the mh services in your area are worse now than 10 years ago . You did mean that didn't you? Thankfully, but sorry not for you, I can say mine are vastly improved. Yes I will ask about talking therapies although x sessions doesn't suit me well unless in continuous 'crisis' for weeks/months with no respite.

Putting up bookshelves Keziah?! . Are you sure that is allowed in your condition? < choc wags finger > (Or is it the variety of putting up bookshelves that involves yelling "left...up...higher...no lower" at a stressed and red-faced DH ? I like the idea of acupuncture birthday/xmas pressie - though would need to find new practioner as the one I went to before has since left town. We'll see what Santa brings . < choc offers sympathy to city for not having had the opportunity to try it for herself. Have you checked the NHS where you live? >

Would love to join in on the toad admiring but I'm not a fan. I know they have their place etc etc but NIMBY, hee hee! I'm not good with things that move fast! (Snails are quite cute. I've seen a fair few up close and personal since dd became fascinated ).

Well replying here has certainly distracted me - part of my struggle to sleep came about because whilst lying with my eyes closed I realised with about 90% certainty that I...ahem...lied on my job application about mh issues. I can be dismissed for that can't I? Oh well... at least I was given the job in the first place! Isn't there a recent(ish) survey that found that 56% of employers wouldn't hire someone if they knew they had a background of mental ill health? Oh such joyous news! Right, off to bed now...night xx

Oh no , so sorry choc , realising that in the middle of the night , & so good to get up & try to channel some of the anxiety .Sorry , I always sound clunky & patronising ... giggling at latenight mopping , though.

I saw those statistics too It's horribly common to feel you have no choice but to avoid declaring it , but hope you can get advice soon to give you a clearer picture . They'll have heard the same before

Pleased to hear dd is keen on snails , as they ate a massive courgette plant overnight in summer < prepares large parcel >- is bubble wrap safe tofor cushioning their shells ?

Wish you could have a session or two of acupuncture to help you now , though Xmas gift is excellent idea from Keziah , who I hope has had a restful day , enjoying good viewing in between perilous - sounding DIY - you made me laugh with your other version of shelf -fixing , choc

Thinking of you both< positive thoughts & even prayer for peaceful night > xxx&

Joins city on having a large supply of snails for your dd choc

Ok here, but tiniest little bleed again so day on sofa with TV!! Watched an old film, cool runnings that made me laugh, plus Strictly Results and anything that distracted. Will go to work on Monday but sit down lots!!

Nooooo thank you!! (to the snails - we've enough already . Sorry about your courgette plant city. Do toads not eat snails then?)

Keziah I hope you don't go to work tomorrow. Sitting down or not I'd feel calmer with you tucked up with daytime TV and/or old films. Precious cargo and all that... [choc reminds herself not to pass on her anxieties to anxious mum-to-be].

Choc - sat down on sofa right now. Am going to go to work for 2 hours this afternoon and sit down all the time - sort of a compromise!!

Thanks for news , Keziah , sending loads of positive thoughts today & was also sending stern faces for you not to be overly active , but choc bravely said what I haven't dared ( & very kind of you to fret over whetheryou might be projecting your anxiety , choc ) Have been stressilly spinning my store of cotton wool so I wouldn't be tempted to wrap you in more < sounds arachnid >

Thanks for snail commiserations , kind choc - sadly we lack toads here but Keziah dh found 3 hibernating at end of their garden , which she mentioned when I said & my neighbour & I are making a toad shelter . You know how likeable snails are , & hatch out so many sweet infant ones for dd to interact with < wheels heavy parcel with airholes to PO >

Lovely suggestions for Keziah'as sofa time - some funny films on Film Four if you get it , or Xmas films are starting up all over the place ( replacing the Cagney &Lacey specials I'd just found )

Am a slug myself today whereas I need to finish at least some of these months - overdue tasks
Peaceful evening xxx