Keziah, City, Choc et al support thread

[Keziahhopes]

Hi - found us a new home. Just didn't like the title of my old thread - and have found your support so helpful but would also like this thread to be less egocentric .

Choc -hope cbt assessment goes well.

City - how are you doing?

My physio exercises are helping me, but don't see stroke consultant until beginning of July. Still not had OT assessment, but dont' think will need it by then - just been horrible for dh to do everything for me since Easter. Now more independend - just had my first shower by myself!!

Hi you two xxx
Hope things are more peaceful for you , choc [hconfused]- still not thanked you properly for fabulously helpful work advice

So sorry if worry still hanging over you but hoping massively that all will turn out as it "should".

Hope you've been reclining on the sofa eating chocolate pumpkins , Keziah . Peaceful evening to us all xxx
Sorry not a proper post

Relatively peaceful here for now thanks city - the anxiety is under control with the diazepam for now. I'm giving myself pat on the back for making it to end of half term hols (dd pressed all my buttons today!). I know there's still the weekend to go but I feel like I can make it to Monday now [hsmile].

Glad you found the work advice helpful it gave me something to focus on when I'd of probably just moped around so pleasure's mine [hsmile].

Hoping things still cheery for you. I nearly got a bit of respite yesterday but childcare was cancelled last minute due to SIL family member getting admitted to hospital [hshock]. Sad for her and I'm not getting a very good 'feeling' about how it will all end [hsad]. I really hope I'm wrong though.

Hope the hols haven't gone too quick for you Keziah. Enjoy the chocolate pumpkins [hgrin] [hgrin]. And don't forget the clocks tomorrow.

Good night xx

How did I miss your post till now , choc [confused} - sorry.

Very glad you're coping ( don't know how you handle days like that with dd - am not a "natural" with dc ). Extremely sorry to hear about your SIL's relative < thoughts & prayers > .

What a lovey thing to say about your putting yourself out for me when you were at such a low ebb - and Halloween baskets full of Screme Eggs to you & Keziah

Hope you're feeling OK , Keziah , and have benefited from a rest this week

Been to an 80th birthday & off to show our faces at a 5oth as well - then going to sleep all day if possible [hblush]

Wow city you're really painting the town [hgrin] [hgrin] [hgrin]. Can you bottle some of your umph and send it over?! (Thought it may be more compatible than dd's ). I think you'll deserve your day of sleep.

Thanks for your concern about SIL. I still haven't heard any more from her - just hoping that no news is good news. I'm so scared of ringing as I don't want to project my anxiety onto her.

One more day to go before school. Yippee! It's been one long ride... [hgrin].

Have fun xx

Yay city gets her day of sleep [hgrin] [hgrin].

Keziah can't remember if you're back to work tomorrow. If you are, hope it's not too much of a shock [hsmile]

Choc - glad you got to end of half-term now [hgrin], it must be a real change of routine for your little dd and you. Taking diazepam sounds a good idea (really missing not even having the option right now!)

city glad you had some nice events and hope this week you can re-charge and catch up. One thing I have learned is not to feel guilty staying in bed/lying on sofa even though there are things to be done. [that will have to change next year, but not going to think that far right now!!]

Yes, work is back after some time off. Once I have gone back it will be ok, but it is always strange just before. Have lots I need to do before Christmas, so aim to write a list of targets today and tick them off over next two months, so have less to do when heavily pregnant.

And no scary health meetings for a few weeks - [hgrin] [hsmile] which helps reduce anxiety. Have short term support now (till Christmas at most I guess, need to ask) to deal with how been treated by mental health professionals, as can't trust them after what they have done to me but problem is no real help with why under mental health in first place (obviously that is too much to ask for!!)

Creeping back totally shamefaced as last night fell asleep after posting on the other thread - I haven't been able to post but have been checking thread as usual & was lovely to see you two but very frustrating to not be able to chat .

Hope you're findng that issues rear their ugly heads only at manageable intervals ,choc - ha , if only - & that you can save the diazepam except for emergencies ( I know you were trying to , & that this period is a crisis , but I did get rebound anxiety & massive demotivation from them ... I said I'd PM you to tell you more , & never managed to
)... am total believer in having the choice , though ).
Hope your SIL has had no further worrying news . Very cthoughtful of you to think you might accidentally project your anxiety onto her.

Am ing at my bottled umph being more compatible with you than dd's frazzlemaking energy .

Hope work has indeed been better in reality than in anticipation , Keziah , & that your autumn / winter tasks prove satisfying rather than tedious. .. "before heavily pregnant" - at your stage of pg I'd be complaining long & loud about the physical limitations ...

Thank you for sharing your experience recommending not to feel guilty when need to lie down . Wrote an overlong post in Notepad last week about planning , pacing activities etc but seem to have lost it so will try another trawl through / think of better tips .

Brilliant no nasty health meetings for a few weeks . Hope the mh support will help you feel less traumatised by interactions / anticipation of such . So angry on your behalf that you have had no mh support in for years .

Absolutely overwhelmed by volume of practical things to sort out , due to becoming slower in recent years ( but far less slow than had expected , touch wood )Have been gathering my courage & going for all manner of advice & applying for different types of support , advocacy etc , for medical & financial issues .

Option of lots of fun outings to tempt me away from sensible things , & a mindboggling range of political things I ought to be at
< city notes she is not in a tent hasn't even taken vegan pot noodles to nearest encampment so far >

< hands round sparklers & jacket potatoes here in the meantime>

Hello you two, just a weary wave from me I'm afraid. Bit of a train wreck here. Glad half term is over but have since spent much time in bed drifting in and out of consciousness while dd at school. More OH stuff (still never got round to posting or PMing Keziah) - am feeling the pressure now but at least gp is hugely supportive.

city I'd really appreciate your experience with diazepam when you get a moment. I've taken more in the last week than I have in months. Are you suggesting this could be part of my problem? Genuine question.

Sorry for non-cheery post. Glad you're both tinkering on. Is it only me with the scary meetings at the moment then ?

city thanks for that. I am finding I am having to prioritise what I do, but at least with a list of things to sort before baby for me and Dh then feel some things that need doing will get done. Great you applying for help etc, that sounds a positive thing to do.

choc - I went through spells with diazepam, and it really helped me. The only disadvantage I found was that after a few weeks of heavier usage it had less and less of an impact for me, so a few days with less or none meant it then worked better. Nothing wrong in lying in bed - that is what I am doing today , though wish it was due to choice rather than the "I can't cope getting out of bed" mindset.

Choc it is good Gp is supportive, that is really helpful for you no matter what Oh say or do etc. Everyone is entitled to their company's sick pay policy if they have a Gp's note etc saying they cannot work.... although OH or whoever refers one to OH may try to save company money. With your role being changed/removed as well you have even more evidence to use for OH. Would your Gp write to your OH person on your behalf? You should be entitled to a mental health advocate also - I used 2 in past 2 years as couldn't cope with fighting against people, they write you letters for you and arrange appointments and will go to meetings with you etc as well as tell you your rights. Might be worth finding out who provides the advocacy service near you - Mind/Rethink or other voluntary organisation.

Week just couldn't get any better, arrgghhh! DD in trouble at school for bad behaviour [choc sobs in despair ). Too many tears (mine not hers). And it's Friday tomorrow, how did the weekend happen so fast ? I'm not ready. Cpn tomorrow, sooo much to get through I need to write it down but keep putting off. Keziah OH has requested my permission for gp report. I'd said yes verbally now I'm not so sure but just looks like if I refuse they have excuse to terminate my contract. I just don't have the energy for any of this... Thanks for good suggestion about advocate. I have used one in the past so will have to see if still about.

Poor you , choc , what loathsome employers & glad you have such excellent advice from Keziah .You're being really brave to not cave in & don't say a formal yes about GP report without getting further advice , but if matters have a certain momentum you may find little shift from one or two options however , consequences of OH & employers' decisions may not necessarily be negative as they appear .< sounds waffly but really mean it >

Rotten timing for school to raise this , & hope it doesn't upset you both for long . dd will of course develop different ways of behaving < parenting expert > and if for some reason that proves awkward , she , MN will adise you on action !

Been fretting all day that I may have worried you about diazepam . I'm useless at communicating subtly & sound harsh when I can't express myself but yes ,I eventually found myself with extra anxiety , sense of time almost literally vanished at imes , decision making abilities ditto , and by far the worst , aggression &personality changes after long period of use . Felt I knew what I was doing , though , & despite being pretty wary of medication , & lucky enough to be substance free atm , I don't know whether or not to regret it .

So sorry you've been feeling so stressed , Keziah . Think every pg woman needs a day in bed now & then , but it's so lonely feeling the way you were today ( not that I know how you feel , which reinforces the point I guess ).
Your list sounds sensible & exciting and your realistic attitude will help you & dh , and baby.

Haven't mentioned everything but thinking of you both . Hope you feel OK tomorrow , Keziah , & that cpn helps , choc
Peaceful night xxx

Choc - I would chase up advocate (or get a different one if that one busy or not available) before agreeing any more to gp report.... just to see if legally your work can do what they are saying. Advocate can step in, say if gp report in your best interests etc. But your Gp is good, so you could say to gp you want to see report before it is sent if you go down that route.

Well am stressed, some possible problem with baby (only 22 weeks) so waiting dh to take me to hospital... so distracting myself as much as possible for next few minutes etc.

Mega amounts of thoughts & prayers to you Keziah xxxx We'll be thinking of little else this weekend , & praying you have good luck

Please be kind to yourself choc , and list your acheievements this week , & the things you've faced rather than avoided xxx

Quick update - dr not know why am bleeding, so just got to rest and hope it goes!! Thanks.

Thank you so , so much for updating , Keziah . So ,that could mean it's not "significant" - just terrifying for you & dh . < everything crossed >

Lots of love & prayers xxx

Oh no Keziah, such worry . Is it a question of waiting to see if it goes? I really hope resting works. You're so brave you're making me feel all wuss-like again. I certainly will be thinking about you lots this weekend (and will end up logging on loads to check in case). Totally everything crossed. But it has to be ok because it's time for your miracle. (Sorry - think I'm sounding clumsy but hopefully you'll get what I'm trying to say.)

cpn was really helpful and like you Keziah also suggested advocate. I didn't have it in me to ring pm but I will next week. His advice is to allow gp report and request to see it before it is sent off. As for meds, no changes for now but I'm to be referred to secondary care for meds review as what I'm on clearly isn't doing what it's supposed to. Mixed feelings because although I don't feel great I hate the thought of it getting worse again on something new before it improving iyswim. Pah I have no stamina . city don't worry, you haven't overly worried me about the diazepam as I'm not taking it continuously (much as I'd love to ).

Thinking of you Keziah (you too city but with somewhat less concern) xx

Am with you choc on the checking here often , but of course we're not expecting updates as Keziah needs to be tucked up and trying to distract herself < tries to soothe worried choc >

Please be kinder to yourself , choc - you've been dealing so admirably with not remotely wuss - like issues again this week , liable to cause near - maximum stress
Sounds excellent advice from the cpn about reading GP letter first . Really sounds as if a proper edication review is overdue , but of course it's grim when you're already up to your eyeballs , so the psych will need to be made very aware of that . Changing may help greatly .... Sorry your levels of stamina aren't what you need , though I bet that's you telling yourself off again

Thanks for reassuring me I haven't added to your worries by fretting about the diazepam

Lots to be getting on with here , but I've not felt up to keeping commitments with political stuff today , argh ...such trivial stuff compared to Keziah < calming thoughts & prayers >

Sending lots of love , Keziah xxx

Hi thanks you.... laptop on sofa this afternoon!! Seems to be stopping, so hope resting is working. Think am more anxious now about next few weeks than I was, after I had begun to "enjoy" things more. Just got to get through next two weeks and baby be ok, although am hoping to go to full term, obviously!

Choc great advice from CPN: advocate, get Gp report but insist on seeing it before it is sent (after all it may help your situation!) etc. If OH or work hassle you, perhaps you can tell them that: you are seeking medical and advocacy advice and support and need time for that to happen. The fact that you have medical support in place should help with OH as well. Hope medication review goes well. I was on venlaflaxine for quite a while, and sometimes needed to add in diazepam/sleeping tablets to help, or other meds for a max of a few weeks to help in worse times. Sometimes dose of venlaflaxine may need adjusting - mine went both up and down whilst I was on it, as it works differently at different levels.

Ok - off to "rest" some more! Not that wasn't resting while typing this.

You are both very kind and lovely, which is why I felt I could tell you. Thanks

Thank you so much for updating , Keziah , & for reassuring us you're working hard at resting - you're being bombarded with vast , vast amounts of positive thoughts

I'm so sad for you having had to cope with so much these last few years , & amazed at how determined & strong you are . Your approach all along has been cautious & measured , but you have definitely sounded as though you've been allowing yourself to have times of enjoying the pregnancy & I hate that you're feeling nervous again. Guess it's about trying to get through a few hours at a time for the next two weeks .

So lovely of you to give further knowledgeable advice , & to say such kind things < sniff sniff >. Very moved you told us when you probably just wanted to cocoon yourself - thank you so much.

choc will probably have beaten me to it with posting , but will be so glad things seem OK at the moment . Hope you have a very , very peaceful afternoon & evening xxx

Hi city and Keziah. Thanks for the update Keziah I'm really reassured by your post. Actually while I was writing last night one thing going through my mind was how baby only had to hang on for 4 weeks so to hear you say it's half that is great news . Also relieved that things haven't got any worse today. Well done for resting hard!

city beat me with the posting . Had very rubbish start to day (not up til 1pm) but at least dd was thoughtful and self-sufficient unprompted (she helped herself to an apple, banana and satsuma for breakfast before playing alone). I'm now having a break as dd gone off to fireworks with her cousins and uncle. I'm feeling a bit better right now, in spite of a friend calling me selfish earlier. She'd rang when I was feeling down and I let my guard down about how I'd often have suicidal feelings. I was rather shocked by her ensuing vitriol - it's not like she doesn't know I suffer with depression . Obviously somebody forgot to tell her that some depressed people sometimes feel suicidal. It's a shame really because she's normally very supportive but I guess I need to be careful with what I say . For now I'm just trying to ignore it. I suppose one good thing about having friends hundreds of miles away is that you can't bump into them in the street and I'm sure next time we'll speak we'll both pretend the whole conversation never happened. Rant over .

Sorry you've not been up to your political activities city and hope that you've been resting along with Keziah. A restful evening to us all xx

Good to see your update , choc but what an upsetting conversation with your friend .Your dd sounds very caring & thoughtful , & bright

Sounds as though your friend was shocked by your honesty, & worried , but I think you're right that it won't necessarily even be mentioned again , which is a mixed blessing Think your resilience / positive thinking wrt to that talk is a brilliantly positive sign

Sorry nothing sensible to say but I need to lie down - we nipped over to my Dm's to watch some fireworks for a few mins when I should have been napping < no self discipline > Hope dd had a lovely time & that you sleep well xxx
.
Thinking about you loads , Keziah , & sending you calming vibes xxx

Yes city dd is very caring, thoughtful and bright (when she's not being defiant, argumentative and spiteful like she was at school last week ). Managed to get outside for a walk in the park today which was helpful despite the weather. Hope you managed to get some rest after all (I won't try to offer advice on self discipline ).

Hope you're doing ok Keziah

Sorry to sound Tiggerish about dd choc when I know she has can be inreedibly challenging
Really , really hope you can get a good result from the medication review as you 've been doing the impossible as it is by managing to cope in recent months without prpoer treatmentent quite ( & longer too)

Think you did excellently to have gone out today , & feel quite guilty not to have suffered horrible weather as most areas seem to ... you'd smile to see how happy it makes adored cat to be dry on her November outdoor patrols

You can imagine how much we're sending best wishes to you , Keziah ... wish we could do something . So hope you've been able to be at home today , and that all's reasonably well

Massive thanks for your PM , choc , which I didn't see till now & I hate to admit will probably not be able to answer properly till tomorrow ... very shocked at how much you & Keziah have had to deal with with almost no mh support , & I thought I'd had long experience of "falling through the net".

Thanks , got a bit more rest & am so happy DH has been able to take some time away from his work ( he's able to do some of it at home but it's knackering ) Far too much to do this month , though

< takes large leaf out of choc's book re: offering advice >

Peaceful night to us all xxx

Ah city, yours and Keziah's advice is usually top notch . It's mine that's sometimes a bit flakey! Glad you got a bit more rest anyway and happy that you've been able to spend some time with DH. I am jealous about your dry November though!

Sorry I didn't warn you about the PM - I had meant to but then clearly forgot . Interesting that you'd also fallen through the net. In my case I need to share the blame for getting no mh support in the beginning as I just wasn't honest and vocal enough. Though I suppose I'll never be able to go back in time to find out if things would have been different if I had shouted. Now I do seem to get more attention and I'm convinced it's because I've now got a kid, although I guess it could also be due to better mh provision.

Still thinking about you Keziahand am sending over a shower of positive thoughts for the start of the new week .

Now off to tackle another mountain of ironing. I couldn't face doing anything remotely productive during the day so have everything to do now else dd will be at school in her knickers and vest tomorrow .

Oh the joys xx

HI choc - haven't said hi all day as knew you'd be watching thread & didn't want you to havee your hopes raised that Keziah had been able to update .

You sound very dynamic ... sympathies on evening chores - I've been an organisational wreck this last couple of weeks , not getting vital things done ( quite usual , but even worse ! ) so mad panic now . It's not in the same league as your struggle , & I 'm amazed at how wwell you're doing .

I still haven't replied to your PM and will do so asap - no no no , I wouldn't expect to be alerted , thank you , especially to back -and - forth messages ! ( not leaving you out , Keziah , just trying to distract ourselves from fretting about you info about employment adviser , chat about diazepam etc etc )

Really feel for you choc about the factors which delayed your receiving help , do think from my own experience there was more interest & help ( & very bad advice on "safe" medication in pregnancy ) from mh professionals when they found out we planned to have a dc ...

Hope we all sleep peacefully

Thinking of you , Keziah & sending many , many positive thoughts per day , and night xxx