Being a bore...... but I'm struggling..... reeeeeeally struggling.

[Toothache]

I know there are loads of threads like this at the moment, but I didn't want to take over one of those.

I'm having a tough time with DH. I think we have argued and I have cried every day for the past fortnight..... at least.

He reacts really badly to me if I ask him to do something, or if I get a bit pissed of that he's left ds's jacket at the Nursery (for example). He gets really angry with me, which inevitable deteriorates into a screaming match, then me crying and him being angry at me for crying..... then he makes things worse by saying things to hurt me....

Oh god its just terrible. I'm sick of making excuses as to why my eyes are puffy. I'm sick of ds asking me why I'm sad. I'm sick of constantly being treated like I'm just an annoyance to DH. I feel like he hates me, I've told him this..... but he says thats my problem coz its all in my head. But he has told me many times in arguments that he hates me...... so now I believe that! And he doesn't see it as his responsibility to show me otherwise.

I'm not really looking for advice. I know we need counselling, but we were offered 2 appointments at Counselling after waiting on a list for 6 months...... both times we couldn't go coz there was noone to watch the kids. Now they've taken us off of the waiting list.

I'm so miserable, I just want to be happy in my marriage like loads of you are! I want my DH to show me he loves me..... he doesn't do anything really unless we've had a screaming row and he feels guilty.

I could on and on..... but I'm at work and I'll start to cry again. I told him a while back that I felt insecure with him and that he doesn't really do anything that makes me believe he wants to stay with me. I explained to him that was why I was upset a lot of the time..... the next time we argued he used that against me..... screaming that it was my fault coz I was insecure and that I was a whinging crying cow.

That was his parting shot this morning. Then he told me he can't live with me anymore and that he'd 'see me' tonight.

Just had to write it down.

Toothache, don't really know what to say but wanted to not ignore you. IYSWIM!

Hope things get better and you manage to havre a chat tonight.
It's a real shame about the counselling!

Oh Toothache, I follow your posts about your DH and never really know what to say.

Having read the one today, I have to ask this - how do you really feel about him. What is it that you are trying to save?

I always steer clear of offering solutions on here, I don't think that helps when we don't really know the poster who is struggling but I am worried for you - this has been going on for such a long time. Do you think a trial separation could be the answer?

I put on a big act all the time. Even on MN. I'm so ashamed at the state of my marriage. So ashamed at how much I cry. So embarassed that I put up with it and don't just tell him to fuck off.

I don't need him really.

We hardly have sex (his choice)
He doesn't offer me emotional support (total opposite in fact)
He can't handle it if I depend on him for anything.
I earn enough to survive happily
We don't offer each other companionship

Why are we still together I hear you all scream?! I really don't know. I suppose I'm clinging to the hope that our marriage will be a success..... I hate failing at anything. I don't want my family to break up just when we are getting to an exciting point where we are financially secure and looking forward to buying a bigger house and going away on holiday.

So.... I keep plodding on, looking at houses, I booked a holiday last weekend..... just keep going as normal, then crumble at home when nobody can see (apart from DH and the kids).

So there you have it.... I'm a failure and a fraud.

Angeliz - I think what DH meant by "I'll see you tonight" was that he was moving out and we would discuss it tonight. But we won't discuss it. He'll fume all day and come home to tell me how much he can't handle me and how stressed he is at work and how much he can't handle anything really..... I've heard it all before.

What pisses me off is I know that this is all fixable if DH would just find a way to handle his stress from work. Even he acknowledges that.... but never does anything about it. So if he doesn't want to try to fix it..... what am I fighting for?

In that case Toothache, i do think dejags has a point about a trial seperation. (although i also am very wary of giving opinions in these situations!).
I just can't see another way for you both to stop and take a step back and see what you both want.

Dejags - Yes I do think that would help. But there isn't really anywhere DH could go! He can't afford to rent a flat on his salary... Nooooooo way. His family are all 300 miles away in Liverpool.

How do people manage a trial separation? Where do they go????

Pack his bags for him ready at the door tonight. Tell him you're not prepared to put up with his bullsh!t any longer and you're sick of being his whipping boy for his stressful job and if he's not prepared to meet you half way on anything, then it's best he's not there upsetting you and the kids.

Alright - that's the 'ideal world' advice out of the way....

TBH tooth, I'm not sure what I'd do in your shoes. I was in a relationship a few years back where I could do nothing right, everything was my "f*cking fault" - including buses not turning up - I ended up an emotional wreck with no self esteem. He left me in the end for someone he met on the Internet. And I'm bloody glad he did because now I'm married to a great man and we're expecting our first baby in 7 weeks.

Thinking of you hun. Sorry I can't be of any use

Sorry honey, I don't know how you would go about it.

Once again, please don't take my word as gospel - it's something you will have to decide yourself.

Try to imagine yourself happy, alongside that imaginative scenario you may see what it is that would give you that.

You are not a fraud - you deserve a medal for perserverance!

I know batters.

Iklboo - I suppose I'm the one guilty of telling him things are all his fault. I know I'm not blameless here.... and I know that it must be very hard to living with someone that has suffered from depression. He has never really "forgiven" me for having PND. He will deny it, but I know he blames it on me.

I just do not know how to progress on.... no matter which route we end up going down. I'm weary, I'm depressed.

I find it so hard to believe that if he really loves me he would keep treating me like this and throw in the towel everytime I point out to him that he has to work at it as well.

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Dejags - I'm not perservering. I'm just weak and can't find a way to a nice place..... with him or without him.

Cod - No. But I feel so alone in this that I don't really know what to do. My parents won't help me. My friends can't help me.

FWIW I think you should continue to try to make a success of yur marriage because you clearly want it to work, even if only because you see other people's working. A lot of marriages (all maybe?) go through bad phases and the stress of having young children often starts the bad phase. There could well be a light at the end of the tunnel but it may be some time yet before you see it. How old are your children Toothache?

BTW, don't kid yourself that other people's marriages are so happy. You say yourself that you hide the true state of your marriage on Mumsnet and put on a front. Well, how do you know other people aren't doing the same? Even couples you meet in RL will probably be putting on a front in front of you. A marriage has to be rock bottom for the couple to row openly in front of others!

From my own experience, the only advice I can offer is this: if you want to ask your dh to show more love towards you or be less critical of you, or not to tell you he hates you, or whatever it is, don't wait until you are rowing again. Choose a time when you are getting on as he will be more ready to listen to you and be reasonable in his response. Try to keep it poitive too. Tell him you want to try and get your relationship back to whatever it was you had before the bad times started. My dh used to share a lot of cuddles together on the sofa, watching TV together. Now we virtually never watch the same thing together anymore, and if we do, we might not even sit together, let alone cuddle. When I am feeling down about our relationship, it is the little things like that that I suggest we try to do more of rather than attacking my dh for always working or playing on the computer or whatever it is he does now. Having more cuddles appeals to him too so he is more receptive to the idea.

I really hope you can stop this cycle of arguing and crying soon. The weekend is a great time to start.

Hi.

Given what you are going through at home, and your post yesterday about the losses in your family, it would be a much bigger concern if you weren't struggling, frankly! Give yourself a break and don't beat up on yourself so much.

I haven't read past posts about your marriage, but I would say I think yur DH should be feeling really supportive and sensitive around you, as a result of your bereavement. The fact he isn't is a concern.

Maybe what you need isn't cunselling together, but on your own? Relate will do that, but your GP can prescribe it, and if there's nothing you can access now, one of the bereavement charities
(0870 167 1677 for Cruse bereavement, or google tehm as they do a e-mails ervice too) could help, and there's always the Samariatns: you don't have to be suicidal to e-mail / call them, you just need to want someone to talk to.

it's not unusual for someone who has experienced loss to want to change their lives (a sense of no time to waste. perhaps) and it's not always a bad thing.

Thinking of you X

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Oh sorry Toothache, it took me along time to write what I did and I didn't see the other posts. Seems like you are nearer the bottom than I first imagined. Sorry if my post was overly optimistic. But anyway, good advice, I think, for others.

Thanks everyone.

Lonelymum - We have lots of nice calm chats like that. He acknowledges that he is taking me for granted, tells me that he's so sorry I feel like he hates me..... gives me a hug and says he really wants us to be a happy family. Then the minute things are not just tickety-boo that all goes out the window and he goes through his repertoire of hurtful comments and angry outbursts.

I actually think the only way this could get any better is if he went to counselling! He has agreed with that too.... but I can't make that happen, he has to and he won't.

COd - Thats very easy to say, but I have thought about this for a looooooong time.... and can't see a way. I can't leave anyway.... everything belongs to me! He can't leave as he has nowhere to go and not enough money to support himself. Sad really. Together coz we have no option?

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Lonelymum - It was great to hear a different opinion and a hopeful one. I need to hear other perspectives too.

Counselling isn't just about heling people to change, it also helps people to make the decisions they need to make, one way or the other. I think that aspect would benefit you.

Thats a theory Cod!

You do have options. You can choose to carry on as you are, or you can choose to change things. I am glad he is responsive to you at times. Of course he reverts back to the insults and attacks when the stress comes on: that is his nature. But you have to find ways to accentuate the positive. Can you do something special together as a way of getting away from the stress for a few hours?