Being a bore...... but I'm struggling..... reeeeeeally struggling.

[Toothache]

I know there are loads of threads like this at the moment, but I didn't want to take over one of those.

I'm having a tough time with DH. I think we have argued and I have cried every day for the past fortnight..... at least.

He reacts really badly to me if I ask him to do something, or if I get a bit pissed of that he's left ds's jacket at the Nursery (for example). He gets really angry with me, which inevitable deteriorates into a screaming match, then me crying and him being angry at me for crying..... then he makes things worse by saying things to hurt me....

Oh god its just terrible. I'm sick of making excuses as to why my eyes are puffy. I'm sick of ds asking me why I'm sad. I'm sick of constantly being treated like I'm just an annoyance to DH. I feel like he hates me, I've told him this..... but he says thats my problem coz its all in my head. But he has told me many times in arguments that he hates me...... so now I believe that! And he doesn't see it as his responsibility to show me otherwise.

I'm not really looking for advice. I know we need counselling, but we were offered 2 appointments at Counselling after waiting on a list for 6 months...... both times we couldn't go coz there was noone to watch the kids. Now they've taken us off of the waiting list.

I'm so miserable, I just want to be happy in my marriage like loads of you are! I want my DH to show me he loves me..... he doesn't do anything really unless we've had a screaming row and he feels guilty.

I could on and on..... but I'm at work and I'll start to cry again. I told him a while back that I felt insecure with him and that he doesn't really do anything that makes me believe he wants to stay with me. I explained to him that was why I was upset a lot of the time..... the next time we argued he used that against me..... screaming that it was my fault coz I was insecure and that I was a whinging crying cow.

That was his parting shot this morning. Then he told me he can't live with me anymore and that he'd 'see me' tonight.

Just had to write it down.

Go for counselling if you think it might help, but in my case it only gave dp more excuses, sorry reasons, for his shit behaviour. If I was you I would take driving lessons as a plan B, or find a friendly taxi driver

sorry i feel like i have invaded a conversation, i will butt out if u want!

I suppose I just want DH fixed. I know what my problems are.... and I know I can get counselling.... but what for? To gain the strength to completely give up on my marriage?

Tooothache, men can't handle feelings like woman can - well most men anyway before I get jumped on! I have never had PND, but I get depressed and I am a great cryer at the best of times. Also, I have a terrible phobia so that I sometimes beg (literally) dh not to go to work but stay home and deal with things instead of leaving me to. He is like your dh: very work orientated and not good at expressing emotions (or seeing them expressed). When I am begging him to stay, he is saying coldly, "You need to learn to deal with this yourself". I get more and more hysterical. It is awful as I am, in other aspects of life, very much in control. But when the situation has calmed down I say to him, "Why can't you just stay home on the rare occasions I ask you to?" (It is rarely more than one day a year). I make him see that at the end of the day his family, his children and his wife are more important than his blessed job.

I don't know how you do it with your dh, but I feel you have to make him see the same thing. And don't kid yourself that he will remember it forever more. Each time we have a new crisis, I start from scratch again, but perhaps the begging becomes less and the understanding from dh increases a little bit.

In the meantime I understand you are thinking, he doesn't support me so why should I support him? This is where I find it hard to advise because I dodn't know you or your situation enough. But I would say that true love has to be unconditional. You can't base everything you do on what has been done to you. Do you share everything else equally? Tasks, time away, child care? If you do, then maybe you would expect the same sympathy from your dh that you are capable of showing him. But in my relationship, dh and I do not provide the same things equally. I look to him for different things than I am capable of giving. Does that make sense? Your dh may not have known what to do when he saw you lying on the floor crying with PND. Does that mean you wouldn't respond to him if you saw him in the same state?

Pinkiepoo - Don't feel like that.... its an open forum. Its nice to know I'm not alone.

hmm

well I can only say my dh would probably have stepped over me too toothy. He hates any whiff of Enid Not Coping.

Can you try to be super nice, bend over backwards to not whinge or moan for a week and see if it makes any difference? I know I know it shouldnt be you that changes but you might be able to tell whether he just doesnt know how to cope with you?

just reading through the conversation...its a hard one coz any woman would say what an arsehole, but the truth is we listen but we just always follow our hearts coz we love them. My advice let the ball be in your court for once. Scare him. Next time you have something to moan about don't say anything play it the other way around and he will start to think your giving up. I know it sounds like playground stuff but don't be a push over babe

Lonelymum - I feel like you are me.... but MUCH in a much better place than I am in just now. You description of how you are and how your DH reacts to you is spookily similar to my situation.
I know I wouldn't step over anyone lying hysterical on the floor.... not even a dog! Which only makes matters worse, because I can't understand how he could be so cold towards someone (ANYONE let alone his wife).

Well, yes, Toothy, some counselling can have as an outcome that you agree to finish a relationship. But in a mediated way, to minimise stress and sadness at such a time.
I am so sad this is you, you deserve better. The effort and persistence you put in to help and support your dh is phenomenal - I bet he has not been out there shopping around for a small treat weekend away for you both, for example.
Your kids are very lucky that they will always have you in their lives, your dh needs to wake up and smell the coffee.
But I do think Batters and others are right to say that quite a bit of his attitude might be due to depression, so maybe he can't help himself all of the time.

If I told anyone about how pathetic and weak I am at home they simply wouldn't believe me. I am the strong one, I am the straight-talking no messing tactless one. I am the one that handles anything. Hmmm. I'm a good actress.

Thank you all so much for your input. I am taking everything on board, I really am.

Enid - He can't cope with me being needy. But its gotten so extreme that he can't cope with me just needing him.

Marina - I said that to him the other night when we were arguing. He said I just cause trouble all the time.... and I pointed out that I was at least trying to make something better by booking us a nice weekend. His nasty reply was "it'll take longer than a weekend away with you".

then what did you say?

I just burst into tears and walked away. He knows exactly how to hurt me.

Which....granted isn't that difficult to do right now!

how would he react if you had taken a deep breath and said well, I'm sorry you feel that way but I think it will be nice and I am going to do it anyway - as if you are talking to a tantrumming child?

what a low thing to say to you, Toothache. What a piece of work. Your pleasure on here when you found the perfect break for you both.
I sometimes wonder whether a lot men really hate us actually, for being strong even when we are depressed, and for trying very hard to make things better. I sometimes wonder if they prefer to be the miserable, martyred, bossed-around loser, because it's easier than squaring up to life in the adult world and admitting your children's and your communal life as a family unit are more important

That would have been perfect! But I get what I can only describe as panic attacks when he acts like that. I have to put my hand over my mouth sometimes to stop myself hyperventilating. He has started to use that against me too..... I am trying to not panic by putting my hands over my mouth.... but when he sees me doing it (knowing that I trying to control it) he'll say something like "Oh here we go....another panic attack... get a grip of yourself". I am clearly trying to get a grip, but his nasty comment just makes things harder.

hmmm toothy that is really unfair

I just wonder whether (and this is only if you really want to try and make it work) you should do your best to ignore his hurtful words. I think he is bullying you actually and the way to stand up to bullies is to show that they are NOT hurting you.

I must admit, he does sound very trying Toothache. Hmmmmm, it has to be said I am the one with the hurtful comment in our relationship. I wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like that. Hmmmmmmmm

Message withdrawn

I'm not really giving a true picture here.... I'm only describing the times when he is horrible to me. I have said my fair share of horrible things to him.

toothy it sounds horrible. Sadly I am a bit biased as my parents rowed terribly when I was a child - but bear in mind I always prayed for them to get divorced...leaving him may not be the worst thing you can do for your ds...

Enid - Me too.... and I still wish they would get divorced. Oh god I never thought I'd end up as miserable as my Mother.

If I were you I'd book driving lessons and do anything else that means you can prepare to lead an independent life. No need to make snap decisions about the relationship meanwhile. You will then be ready if the time comes, and you'll feel all the stronger and happier for knowing that.

so do I...they never bloody did! Do you want to end up in that kind of rut?