Being a bore...... but I'm struggling..... reeeeeeally struggling.

[Toothache]

I know there are loads of threads like this at the moment, but I didn't want to take over one of those.

I'm having a tough time with DH. I think we have argued and I have cried every day for the past fortnight..... at least.

He reacts really badly to me if I ask him to do something, or if I get a bit pissed of that he's left ds's jacket at the Nursery (for example). He gets really angry with me, which inevitable deteriorates into a screaming match, then me crying and him being angry at me for crying..... then he makes things worse by saying things to hurt me....

Oh god its just terrible. I'm sick of making excuses as to why my eyes are puffy. I'm sick of ds asking me why I'm sad. I'm sick of constantly being treated like I'm just an annoyance to DH. I feel like he hates me, I've told him this..... but he says thats my problem coz its all in my head. But he has told me many times in arguments that he hates me...... so now I believe that! And he doesn't see it as his responsibility to show me otherwise.

I'm not really looking for advice. I know we need counselling, but we were offered 2 appointments at Counselling after waiting on a list for 6 months...... both times we couldn't go coz there was noone to watch the kids. Now they've taken us off of the waiting list.

I'm so miserable, I just want to be happy in my marriage like loads of you are! I want my DH to show me he loves me..... he doesn't do anything really unless we've had a screaming row and he feels guilty.

I could on and on..... but I'm at work and I'll start to cry again. I told him a while back that I felt insecure with him and that he doesn't really do anything that makes me believe he wants to stay with me. I explained to him that was why I was upset a lot of the time..... the next time we argued he used that against me..... screaming that it was my fault coz I was insecure and that I was a whinging crying cow.

That was his parting shot this morning. Then he told me he can't live with me anymore and that he'd 'see me' tonight.

Just had to write it down.

If he can't afford to live elsewhere, then he should work with you to improve your relationship.

I think the phrase is 'shape up or ship out'

Ah Littlerach... and there lies another problem. I've had lessons before (twice!)..... I'm terrified of driving and am totally crap at it. I had 6 lessons and was no better than when I started so I stopped as it was just wasting money. Honestly.... I have thought alot about this.
I know I have to learn to drive.... but even the waiting time for tests is 2 months here!

PLUS I'd have to buy a car!!!

I am in a terrible position. Everything is in my name. Including the car loan and credit card. It just all seems so impossible. I#m not trying to throw obstacles in the way.... but I know that I wouldn't even be in a position to sit my theory test for a couple of months.... and only THEN can you book a practical test.... whether I'm ready or not thats 4 mths right away.

Even if it is 2 months wait, get yourself some lessons booked, say 6, then see how you're doing. If you really hate it, stop. If you like it, carry on, book your test when you need to.

WRT nursery runs etc, if Dh moved out, they're still his children, I'm presuming he'd stay in the area, he could still help with childcare. Different if he was likely to go back to his hometown.

Is DS ar school yet?

Littlerach - But he can't afford a flat. And I'm not paying it for him.
He wouldn't move back down to Liverpool, its too far from the kids. Ds doesn't go to school until next August.

But 4 months isn't that long! Think back to last year when our little ones were really tiny....that sems like last month! Think of it in terms of the rest of your life. 4 months is January. Not really that long until Xmas!

Have you ever split before?

Toothache, which seems harder, living with him, or separating?

No one is suggesting that seperation would be easy, but if he's bringing you soooo far down, it must be the best option.

If not, then you have to find some time without the kids, and start getting this sorted.

I haven't read your other threads, but this is just a thought, does the fact that you earn more than him affect his treatment of you, do you think?

Littlerach - honestly.... thats only if I pass first time. I'm being realistic only 34% of dirvers pass 1st. DH failed twice..... most instructors round here won't even put you forward for a test until you've had 30 lessons. I had 6 1.5hr lessons and was no further forward. I'm only going on how it went the last twice I tried taking lessons.

No we've never split before.

Easy - He say's it not an issue, but I think it is. The fact I earn more and the fact his name isn't on anything (bad credit rating).

Living with him isn't always awful. As long as things are trotting along nicely and I don't burden him with any extra stress.... such as.... oh..... ME and my feelings!

Do the good times outnumber the not so good?

Usually they do.... but not for the past few weeks (maybe months).

Maybe you need to give yourselves x amount of time to try and sort it out, either counselling or chatting together, then decide what to do.

sorry toothache, but Im a cynic. If things carry on as they have been, by the time he gets his payrise he would be able to afford his own place. I would give him til then. Like some1 said b4, shape up piss off.

If you're anything like me you use a practical reason to justify your determination to hang on to family life at all costs. There are some costs too high though.
Fwiw it took me around a year but I am a rubbish driver and didn't start til 30
I don't think it will take you nearly so long

sorry meant shape up or piss off !!

you can put yourself in for test at short notice ie cancellations
This is how I finally passed (test no 4), no time to get worked up about it. The first one I nearly crashed the car.
Honestly, I know how you feel. No one could be more rubbish than I am, or more scared, but it gives me tremendous freedom not to rely on anyone else for transport

Ahhh TA, not again
IF DH cannot afford to be without your financial support then he should be a lot bloody nicer to you it seems to me.
He is not acting like a man who loves you, or respects or even appreciates the bond you have.
It sounds like you get into a cycle of argument/breakup and makeup and it is so hard to break that cycle.
I'd leave if it was me TBH if I knew I could survive ok alone, it may not need to be forever, but it sounds like he needs a reality check...
Hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxx

thats exactly what I think piffle. Be strong Toothache xxx

You can't get cancellations around here.... unless you phone the DSA every day on the off chance, which is what DH did both times he failed.... and boths times no cancellations arose so he had to wait 8wks after he failed his 1st test, then 7wks after he failed his 2nd test. So I wouldn't be highly hopeful for a quick test.

I can't leave. Its my house, my mortgage, my mess.

no, you can't leave! maybe he should if he can't be nicer though. And don't worry about flats for him etc, he's a grown up lad!

Right here's my solution so far:

1.H needs to move out for a while.
2.We will need to wait until his payrise.
3.I will find him a furnished flat and pay his deposit (his wages go into my account).
4.I'll transfer his wages into his account each month leaving a couple of hundred to help me with childcare costs.
5.This way he will still be able to take the kids to and from Nursery and take them on his day off.

....this is all dependent on him talking to me about this like an adult.

I'll bring it up tonight after the kids go to bed.....

Does that sound rational???

Anyone?