Being a bore...... but I'm struggling..... reeeeeeally struggling.

[Toothache]

I know there are loads of threads like this at the moment, but I didn't want to take over one of those.

I'm having a tough time with DH. I think we have argued and I have cried every day for the past fortnight..... at least.

He reacts really badly to me if I ask him to do something, or if I get a bit pissed of that he's left ds's jacket at the Nursery (for example). He gets really angry with me, which inevitable deteriorates into a screaming match, then me crying and him being angry at me for crying..... then he makes things worse by saying things to hurt me....

Oh god its just terrible. I'm sick of making excuses as to why my eyes are puffy. I'm sick of ds asking me why I'm sad. I'm sick of constantly being treated like I'm just an annoyance to DH. I feel like he hates me, I've told him this..... but he says thats my problem coz its all in my head. But he has told me many times in arguments that he hates me...... so now I believe that! And he doesn't see it as his responsibility to show me otherwise.

I'm not really looking for advice. I know we need counselling, but we were offered 2 appointments at Counselling after waiting on a list for 6 months...... both times we couldn't go coz there was noone to watch the kids. Now they've taken us off of the waiting list.

I'm so miserable, I just want to be happy in my marriage like loads of you are! I want my DH to show me he loves me..... he doesn't do anything really unless we've had a screaming row and he feels guilty.

I could on and on..... but I'm at work and I'll start to cry again. I told him a while back that I felt insecure with him and that he doesn't really do anything that makes me believe he wants to stay with me. I explained to him that was why I was upset a lot of the time..... the next time we argued he used that against me..... screaming that it was my fault coz I was insecure and that I was a whinging crying cow.

That was his parting shot this morning. Then he told me he can't live with me anymore and that he'd 'see me' tonight.

Just had to write it down.

You are not his mum, you are more important than her. you are the woman he chose. You promised to be there for him when times were bad. Well this is that moment.

"Try to understand the next time he has a go at you that he is not trying to wreck his marriage and he does not hate you."

Thats it Lonelymum, I need to see that. I immediately just think that if I told him that it really hurts me when he acts like that.... but he still acts like that..... he must only be doing it to hurt me. Then I (over)react to that.

I am not going to say anymore Toothache.

Am getting on your behalf and don't want to say something nasty about your DH because I don't feel it would be constructive.

Remember - you are responsible for yourself and the children only. Cod is right - he is not your child, you do not owe him anything and it's his responsibility to look after himself.

Too many "that"s in that post!

Sorry Lonelymum I disagree.

This is a grown man we are talking about. He wouldn't speak to a stranger this way, so why on earth is it acceptable to speak to your wife that way?

Work is just an excuse. There is an underlying behaviourial problem here.

Can people ever really change?

Yes they can. But in my experience they need loads of incentive to do so. Often in a relationship they need to understand what they would be losing out on before they stop taking it for granted.

I speak from experience.

Hi toothache,
I've only just found this thread (work getting in the way of mumsnetting, I'm afraid ) and I've only just skimmed through it so if I miss something or repeat something that's already been said, please forgive me.
First of all, sorry you're having such a crap time - you sound really sad and it can't be much fun for your kids either, esp your ds who is old enough to know what's going on.
My advice is, that if you and your dh still love each other (somewhere deep down under all the arguing etc) and if you want your marriage to work and think there is still some (even if only a little bit) of hope that it will, then you should move heaven and earth to get the counselling you want even if it means phoning in sick to get time off work.
If you don't love each other any more and if you think that all hope for your marriage is dead, then you should kick him out as soon as.
Whatever you do, you have my sincere sympathy and I hope things start to improve for you soon.

no
they dont change

Thanks Tabitha.

I know that I want to try.... but I can't keep trying on my own. DH doesn't seem to want to try. When times get tough he just tells me he is leaving and that he hates me. Then always apologised profusely later, saying he only said it because he was angry and of course he doesn't hate me (of course???? why of course???.... I really am starting to believe he does hate me).

sorry you are having a crap time toothy

tbh I think your dh does not deserve you. I think you are a saint for trying to make it work when he doesnt seem to be meeting you even half way.

Have you asked him, rationally, why he thinks you should stay together (apart from ds)?

have YOU got someone independednt to t alk to?
think oyu need it so you dont go loop- a -da -loop toothy

tell him that when he says he hates you, you believe him, you arent a mind reader and how are you supposed to know he doesnt mean it?

yes thats just a get out for him
be tough toothy

Yes Enid. He says because he loves me and we have beautiful children together and we can be a happy family. But he really doesn't get it that he has to put in an effort.... for longer than a day after a big fight.

Its like going around in circles. When we talk without fighting he sees it all clearly and knows where his problems lie and knows what he needs to do to help. But after that conversation.... nothing..... no change.

tbh I would seriously start to think about leaving him.

so can you set him simple tasks when you are having that rational convo? Can you say, look, cut me some slack, if I snap or cry just be kind, just for once try it?

Enid - I said almost exactly that to him yesterday. He said he was sorry that I thought that.... and that he would have to make an effort to reverse that and reassure me.... then this morning.... back to normal, all out the window.

His moodswings are worse than mine! At least I can blame the Mirena Coil!!

Enid - Said that too.... I have pointed out that when I'm so upset that I cry then he shouldn't be shouting at me for crying! I usually get a comment like "oh here we go again.... crying"...

Of course they change! Toothache wouldn't have married a man who was like her dh is now! She married someone else whom she loved so much she wanted to have children with him. That man has now changed and if he has changed once, he can change again.

I am not sure I want to post here anymore because I don't want to assume I know what Toothache should do. Toothache, if you hate him and think your life and the lives of your children would be better without him living with you, then kick him out. It is your house I believe you said, and he is an adult and can fend for himself.

But if you want to salvage your marriage, I am sorry but that does sometimes mean doing things for your dh. No he is not a child but a marriage is about supporting each other through bad times and good. I do things for my dh and resist the chance to say "Do it yourself, am I your mother?" just as dh does thngs for me and resists the chance to say the equivalent back to me. I am stunned that people are so harsh towards their chosen partner that they say things like that. And if your dh is aying that but you don't think he means it, then I would say he certainly does have a problem and needs help with it.

Thanks Lonelymum, please don't stop posting. I need to hear both sides.
I understand about the supporting part, but he doesn't really support me. When I really needed him in the depths of PND he would literally step over me as I lay on the floor sobbing about how depressed I was.

I need some support, I don't feel strong and I don't have anyone except on MN I can turn to.

I hate who he is now.

Message withdrawn

As I said earlier in the thread, my ex didn't change. I don't think it is impossible but I have never seen it happen.

Hey guys just reading message and i am going through an extremely difficult time too at the moment, tooth ache i feel for you