Being a bore...... but I'm struggling..... reeeeeeally struggling.

[Toothache]

I know there are loads of threads like this at the moment, but I didn't want to take over one of those.

I'm having a tough time with DH. I think we have argued and I have cried every day for the past fortnight..... at least.

He reacts really badly to me if I ask him to do something, or if I get a bit pissed of that he's left ds's jacket at the Nursery (for example). He gets really angry with me, which inevitable deteriorates into a screaming match, then me crying and him being angry at me for crying..... then he makes things worse by saying things to hurt me....

Oh god its just terrible. I'm sick of making excuses as to why my eyes are puffy. I'm sick of ds asking me why I'm sad. I'm sick of constantly being treated like I'm just an annoyance to DH. I feel like he hates me, I've told him this..... but he says thats my problem coz its all in my head. But he has told me many times in arguments that he hates me...... so now I believe that! And he doesn't see it as his responsibility to show me otherwise.

I'm not really looking for advice. I know we need counselling, but we were offered 2 appointments at Counselling after waiting on a list for 6 months...... both times we couldn't go coz there was noone to watch the kids. Now they've taken us off of the waiting list.

I'm so miserable, I just want to be happy in my marriage like loads of you are! I want my DH to show me he loves me..... he doesn't do anything really unless we've had a screaming row and he feels guilty.

I could on and on..... but I'm at work and I'll start to cry again. I told him a while back that I felt insecure with him and that he doesn't really do anything that makes me believe he wants to stay with me. I explained to him that was why I was upset a lot of the time..... the next time we argued he used that against me..... screaming that it was my fault coz I was insecure and that I was a whinging crying cow.

That was his parting shot this morning. Then he told me he can't live with me anymore and that he'd 'see me' tonight.

Just had to write it down.

I must have bored you all or scared you all away. Anyway, thats my plan so far, misguided as it may be. Wish me luck and strength coz I'm going to need it!

to see this Toothache, but obviously the best of wishes from me to you with whatever you decide.

Lonelymum - I am hoping its only temporary. But realistically I think H will enjoy being away from me as long as he still sees the kids.

I can't see a way forward until he sorts out this anger and resentment toward me.

Hiyah TA

I had probs weeks ago wi man and we had time out from each other. We realised that we were both under enormous strain and we were both panicking in our own ways.

But having time away works, treat it like a little mini holiday, not like something negative, hook up wi your friends and get out of the house.

It was the best thing that I did and wouldnt hesitiate to do it again, and I like you am the more financially strong one and not being dependent on a guy is great, just ask yourself if you really really love him. Good Luck

Thanks Nikinoonoo -

Don't think I'll be hooking up with any friends though! Its hard enough to organise anything when H is there.... never mind when he's not! Babysitters aren't that forthcoming. But I'll probably be on the phone alot!

Right! Thats me off home now. I wish I had MN at home, I've a funny feeling I'll need a chat later on.

good luck TA let us know how it goes!

Toothy, had to change my name for this, as a regular mnetter who wants to keep this private.

Dh and I realised we had to try counselling as we were having a v rough time. We had a real problem too trying to sort out childcare - no one near enough to help. However, I rang around a few local childminders and found one who was willing to look after our two for an hour and a half in the evening. We would take them to her house (made it a bit easier on her). Obviously this was on top of the cost of the counselling, but we managed to get the money together.

It just seems such a damn shame that you haven't had the chance to give the counselling a go, and I wondered if what we did might be an option.

Going to Relate helped us realise that in spite of all the crap and stress, we still really loved and liked each other and wanted to stay together. For some people it clarifies things the other way - but the most important bit for us was having that time and space, with an impartial but understanding third party to help us work out how we felt about our relationship.

good luck toothache, let us know hoe u got on.

Sorry I wasn't around to chat re your decision-you must do what is best for all of you.Good luck with your talk tonight-hope he sees things rationally!
Thinking of you!

and hugs for support!

Hi toothache, just found your thread tonight. What a day you must have had. Hope all is going ok tonight?
thinking of you as had trial sep from dh last year for few months, we did work it out but i can REALLY remember how it bad it had got building up to it. Always here xx

Good luck toothache. X

good luck, toothache.

btw, i understand the aa driving school can recommend instructors for nervous learners - perhaps you could find someone reassuring and take the lessons on your lunch hour.

Toothache, all the very best with your plans. As Batters and so many others have said, most of us may be 100s of miles away from you, but we are all thinking of you and wanting things to work out well for you, so much.
(Marina pricks up ears at mention of AA recommended teachers for nervous drivers...I've not had much luck on this front either toothy and need to learn). Perhaps we can both be terrorising the roads...xxx

Thanks for all your fab advice and support. I'll make this quick coz my home PC only works for fleeting moments now and I'm getting ready for a Meet-Up.

DH and I talked and I told him my decision. I was surprised that he was so shocked! We didn't argue, we agreed he should find a flat next month when he gets his payrise.

I went to bed at 9pm but couldn't sleep. Went back down at 10pm. DH surprised me once again by his reaction. He was calm and rational!

He said that he hoped it was only a very temporary thing and he sees where our (his) problems are. He also suggested >gasp< that we try to take time off for counselling in the meantime and he really didn't want him moving out to be anything more than both of us needing some space and some mediation.

So thats where we are. It was such a weight off my shoulders! I was definitely more in the frame of mind that it was a fullstop on the marriage..... but that was coz I had gone over how he would react so many times on Friday that I just assumed it would be another horrible row with him saying "Thank god I'm going to finally be free from you". But he didn't, for the 1st time in years (perhaps EVER) he showed me that he really wants to put up a fight and try try try.

I'm not naive..... I'm still going to make sure he looks for a flat. But he told me to get an appointment at RELATE asap and he would make sure he got the time off work no matter when it was.

So a bit of and a glimmer of hope at the same time.

Thanks again everyone!

lol@ Marina re terrorising the roads.

Message withdrawn

I think that is such a positive and reassuring reaction from him Toothache. I am SO glad he is taking it this way.
Hope you have a good time at the Meet-Up

I missed this before toothache but I'm sorry to see this but glad the reaction wasn't as bad as you thought.

Toothache, perhaps this reaction of your dh's shows his real feelings for you. Best of luck with the Relate counselling.

Oh, glad to hear that Toothache. And also very impressed with your dh's reaction, I think that is very positive sign!

At least I now feel in a better position to cope with the situation should his fantastic reaction turn out to be another grand gesture! I'm damn sure he's still looking for a flat!

Toothache - just wanted to say that I've spent the last half hour reading through this thread and I think you're amazing. Your resolution list (ie dh needs to move out etc) was bang on - you sound like you have your head screwed on and whatever the outcome, if you remain in control and positive, will be the best thing for you and your family.

I really hope your DH takes this as a wake up call and addresses his problems so that you can all move forward as a family. If not, then you sound like you can do just fine by yourself with the kids.

The question I have been wanting to ask for the whole thread is do you think you still love him/still could love him. If the answer is 'yes' then you've got to do what you can to save the marriage (ie exactly what you plan to do). If not, then I would look into ways of eliminating the problems which would occur if you seperated (ie could you use more local childcare which wouldn't require driving?).

Sorry - huge post. This thread has really struck me tonight and I wish you all the best, whatever you decide. You're a bloody strong person.

Thanks Zippy!
I do still love him. When it's good we make each other laugh, we get along and really thrive on being part of our beautiful family.

But those times have been few and far between for a while now. They still happen.... just not often enough to make the bad times bearable IYKWIM.

Good luck Toothache!

I hope things work out well for you.