Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

Being a bore...... but I'm struggling..... reeeeeeally struggling.

204 replies

Toothache · 16/09/2005 10:40

I know there are loads of threads like this at the moment, but I didn't want to take over one of those.

I'm having a tough time with DH. I think we have argued and I have cried every day for the past fortnight..... at least.

He reacts really badly to me if I ask him to do something, or if I get a bit pissed of that he's left ds's jacket at the Nursery (for example). He gets really angry with me, which inevitable deteriorates into a screaming match, then me crying and him being angry at me for crying..... then he makes things worse by saying things to hurt me....

Oh god its just terrible. I'm sick of making excuses as to why my eyes are puffy. I'm sick of ds asking me why I'm sad. I'm sick of constantly being treated like I'm just an annoyance to DH. I feel like he hates me, I've told him this..... but he says thats my problem coz its all in my head. But he has told me many times in arguments that he hates me...... so now I believe that! And he doesn't see it as his responsibility to show me otherwise.

I'm not really looking for advice. I know we need counselling, but we were offered 2 appointments at Counselling after waiting on a list for 6 months...... both times we couldn't go coz there was noone to watch the kids. Now they've taken us off of the waiting list.

I'm so miserable, I just want to be happy in my marriage like loads of you are! I want my DH to show me he loves me..... he doesn't do anything really unless we've had a screaming row and he feels guilty.

I could on and on..... but I'm at work and I'll start to cry again. I told him a while back that I felt insecure with him and that he doesn't really do anything that makes me believe he wants to stay with me. I explained to him that was why I was upset a lot of the time..... the next time we argued he used that against me..... screaming that it was my fault coz I was insecure and that I was a whinging crying cow.

That was his parting shot this morning. Then he told me he can't live with me anymore and that he'd 'see me' tonight.

Just had to write it down.

OP posts:
cod · 16/09/2005 12:56

Message withdrawn

Enid · 16/09/2005 12:56

not me!

cod · 16/09/2005 12:56

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 12:57

lol

OP posts:
Enid · 16/09/2005 12:57

fume

actually I am like her but luckily only the good parts (she is full on mental)

cod · 16/09/2005 12:58

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 12:59

My Mum never worked.... so at least I have my financial independence.

I thought DH's and my marriage problems stemmed from financial worries..... but they are gone for now! Must have just been masking the fact that we don't actually like each other any more!

OP posts:
Enid · 16/09/2005 13:02

I can promise you cod he would not - he does say I sound like her occassionally and I do look like her

Jenny1973 · 16/09/2005 13:40

OH toothache I really feel for you honey. Your really going through the mill arnt you? Have you tried writing him a letter,getting all your feelings down on paper-its getting it out of your system,without getting into a confrontation with him,& without any disstractions from him either.Theres nothing more frustrating than wanting to get your feelings out & either being ignored or getting interupted by sarcasm or just lack of caring attitude!!! Men are very good at this, but they are not like us woman who know when we need help & then seek help.Men dont accept they have problems,they pass the buck instead. But if you do write a letter,suggest he writes one back to you,explaining how he feels. At the end of the day if they act like children,treat them like children.
Im not sure how all this has started with you &your dh,as Im knew to mn. But there is only you who really know how bad things are between you. Have you ever been on anti-depressants toothy,I know some people see them as failing,but they can make you see things in a different light. good luck honey-thinking of you xxx

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 13:42

Thanks Jenny. I have written him letters before. He's always ever so understanding and ashamed when he reads them.... but it's not enough to make a difference to him.

I dont want to go on AntiD's just to numb the pain he is causing me. I'd rather he just stopped causing me so much pain.

OP posts:
Aimsmum · 16/09/2005 13:43

Message withdrawn

dropinthe · 16/09/2005 13:46

Toothache-
You ARE NOT a failure or a fraud-only got to that post but had to say that! I really DO know how you feel-you know I started a similar thread recently-I didn't even touch on the state of my marriage as v personal but I am understanding you!
Let me read the rest of this!
You poor love!

cod · 16/09/2005 13:46

Message withdrawn

dropinthe · 16/09/2005 14:05

T-he is sounding very much like he is
really not dealing with yours'/his emotions very well and using sarcasm/nastiness/belittlement to vent his frustration.
You really need to weigh up the benefits of trying to save your marriage,(and how much you actually want to),with the negatives of staying in it.
How much do you REALLY love him?

Jenny1973 · 16/09/2005 14:07

Toothy-Anti-D's dont numb out the pain,nor do they take it away,but they do make you feel perkier in yourself,level headed too,so when you are level headed you can cope & deal with things differently. They are not an escape,they are a great help. They definatly helped me when I lost my baby. I saw no way out at all. Maybe your DH should try some aswell. Even herbal ones like St Johns Wort may help you feel a little different-although they take a few months to kick in. When you get so low you just cant find light at the end of the tunnel,then it snowballs & snowballs. Please think about it at least love-you are not failing,just surviving.xxx

cinderelly · 16/09/2005 14:32

I don't need him really.

We hardly have sex (his choice)
He doesn't offer me emotional support (total opposite in fact)
He can't handle it if I depend on him for anything.
I earn enough to survive happily
We don't offer each other companionship

T, these are your own words. This isnt a relationship, so why not bite the bullet and have a trial seperation. What have you got to lose?

dropinthe · 16/09/2005 14:34

Cinderelly-just words though!

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 14:36

Cinderelly - My house? Can't transport the kids to Nursery without DH.... unless I pay £25 per day for taxis to and fro.... just not do-able. I work fulltime and get no paid leave, I'm self-employed.
The only way it would work is if DH could afford to rent a flat near-by (which he can't). I know that if I asked him to leave it would not be amicable and he wouldn't even discuss this sort of stuff. He's like a 5 year old (he's 6 years older than me!!). He would just drive off in a rage.

OP posts:
littlerach · 16/09/2005 14:45

He really doesn't sound like a very reasonable man, or particularly nice to you. I think that he needs the counselling rather than you, as he seems so angry.
I know that we ahve only heard one part of him, but it is a major part when he makes you so bloody unhappy.
Can you see yourself with him in 5/10/whatever years time? And can you see yourself happy with him? Or would it be the same as it is now? If so, then you either get used to it and carry on, or you stop it and start a new life.
Sorry if that sounds blunt, but, like Enid, my parents never really liked each other, I'm sure, and mum was dependant financially on dad, as a SAHM. I used to wish they'd divorce. They did divorce, 5 years ago, and are so much happier now, both of them.
You do have to have some control of your, and your children's, lives.
But it is a horrible time for you, and I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. But you're not a failure, you are trying tod osomething about it all.

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 14:46

Thanks Littlerach.

OP posts:
ninah · 16/09/2005 14:51

if the main practical stumbling block is transport, take lessons! there must be a way round this. local childminder who can collect? something

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 14:53

Ninah - I can assure you there isn't. Saying take lessons is all great... but it took DH a YEAR to pass his test!

OP posts:
littlerach · 16/09/2005 14:54

But you might only take a couple of months!

Be positive.

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 14:57

I can pick them up and drop them off.... but would need to pay for taxis.

It would only work if it was amicable and DH got a flat nearby so he could still do the Nursery runs. And if he still looked after them on his Tuesday off.

But at the moment DH only earns about £800 per month (should increase to £1200 next month). The average flat would cost him about £350 per month in rent alone.

I have thought alot about this.

OP posts:
Easy · 16/09/2005 14:57

The fact that it took him a year doesn't mean it'll take you a year.

You could book a weeks intensive lessons, and even if you didn't pass first time, you'd be well on your way with experience for your second test.

I have to say that if that is your main obstacle, then your life would be better if you engaged a professional driver. At least he wouldn't cause you the upset that dh does.