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Original poster

Being a bore...... but I'm struggling..... reeeeeeally struggling.

204 replies

Toothache · 16/09/2005 10:40

I know there are loads of threads like this at the moment, but I didn't want to take over one of those.

I'm having a tough time with DH. I think we have argued and I have cried every day for the past fortnight..... at least.

He reacts really badly to me if I ask him to do something, or if I get a bit pissed of that he's left ds's jacket at the Nursery (for example). He gets really angry with me, which inevitable deteriorates into a screaming match, then me crying and him being angry at me for crying..... then he makes things worse by saying things to hurt me....

Oh god its just terrible. I'm sick of making excuses as to why my eyes are puffy. I'm sick of ds asking me why I'm sad. I'm sick of constantly being treated like I'm just an annoyance to DH. I feel like he hates me, I've told him this..... but he says thats my problem coz its all in my head. But he has told me many times in arguments that he hates me...... so now I believe that! And he doesn't see it as his responsibility to show me otherwise.

I'm not really looking for advice. I know we need counselling, but we were offered 2 appointments at Counselling after waiting on a list for 6 months...... both times we couldn't go coz there was noone to watch the kids. Now they've taken us off of the waiting list.

I'm so miserable, I just want to be happy in my marriage like loads of you are! I want my DH to show me he loves me..... he doesn't do anything really unless we've had a screaming row and he feels guilty.

I could on and on..... but I'm at work and I'll start to cry again. I told him a while back that I felt insecure with him and that he doesn't really do anything that makes me believe he wants to stay with me. I explained to him that was why I was upset a lot of the time..... the next time we argued he used that against me..... screaming that it was my fault coz I was insecure and that I was a whinging crying cow.

That was his parting shot this morning. Then he told me he can't live with me anymore and that he'd 'see me' tonight.

Just had to write it down.

OP posts:
Lonelymum · 16/09/2005 11:21

What I mean is, both you and him need to do something together to remnd both yourselves why you got together in the first place. Marriages are made up of memories and moments shared together - you need some good ones every so often to bolster you against the onslaught of bad ones that inevitably come.

Aimsmum · 16/09/2005 11:22

Message withdrawn

batters · 16/09/2005 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cinderelly · 16/09/2005 11:27

I know this will sound horrible, but your last post had the alarm bells ringing. Do you think if he did have the means to go somewhere else, he would still stay? Its sounds very 'convenient' at the moment for him. Where he goes is not your problem, just as your problems dont seem to be of any concern to him. Think of yourself for a change! F*ck him, he doesn't deserve your loyalty. Sorry if this sounds harsh xx

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 11:28

Batters - Yes... he really needs counselling. He admits that.... but what can I do if he won't make the appointment.

My Mum told me she would watch the kids to let us go to counselling, but both times she was busy.

I feel like nobody wants to help us.... and to be honest I generally feel like a burden to everyone. I am in this alone and thats that.

OP posts:
cinderelly · 16/09/2005 11:29

didnt see the last couple of posts, was referring to your 11.16 post. btw

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 11:31

Cinderelly - Its not as simple as that either unfortunately. He is the only one that drives.... he has to take the kids to Nursery and pick them up. If he didn't do that I wouldn't be able to work.... I'm a contractor and don't get paid time off. Its all such a mess. We are totally dependent on each other for all the wrong reasons.

OP posts:
Aimsmum · 16/09/2005 11:31

Message withdrawn

Aimsmum · 16/09/2005 11:32

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Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 11:34

Actually Aimsmum that would be much more practical! The appointments they phoned were quite last minute though. Perhaps I could specify that it would be great if they gave us at least a couple of weeks to book hols at work. It doesn't really bother me as much, I would probably just phone in sick, but DH needs to give proper notice. I think I'll give them a call. Thanks.

OP posts:
Lonelymum · 16/09/2005 11:36

Can you make the appt for him Toothache? Some men find it really hard to admit to strangers that they have problems. Well, women do too. If you made the appt, it would be putting the ball in his court.

Aimsmum · 16/09/2005 11:36

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 11:37

Aimsmum - I wouldn't mind sacraficing a days pay here and there if I thought it could really help.

OP posts:
Lonelymum · 16/09/2005 11:38

Your dh should feel the same way Toothache.

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 11:39

Lonelymum - He does when he's not angry at something. But he's angry alot more often than he isn't at the moment. I don't mean constantly in a rage.... just constantly ready to rage.

OP posts:
dejags · 16/09/2005 11:40

Toothache, how are your kids coping. Is this affecting them?

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 11:42

dd (13mths) seems fine. Ds (4) isn't so fine. He said to me yesterday "Does Daddy still love you very much Mummy?" I just said "Yes of course he does, but sometimes we get angry with each other". Didn't really know what else to say.

OP posts:
Lonelymum · 16/09/2005 11:43

He is stressed or depressed definitely - probably both. My dh is very stressed by his work (although I think he enjoys it) and he can be very hard to talk to at times because of it. Family life seems to hold no importance to him which is hard for me who only has family life. You need to do something for your dh to try to help him. I know a lot of people say he is putting upon you and you should kick him out. Well, if that is what you want to do, you do it. But if you want things between you to be better, then you have to be the strong person here and do something proactive to make him better.

dejags · 16/09/2005 11:46

Perhaps this should be your driving force then? All this bad feeling and constant arguing must be taking it?s toll on him ? if your DH won?t sort himself out for you, could you suggest that his behaviour is having a very direct effect on your DS and that he needs to do something about it pronto? The last thing you need is to have to deal with a troubled child, this will only add to your guilty feelings and increase your stress levels. Hope you don?t think I am being too blunt but I thought it may be worth a shot.

weesaidie · 16/09/2005 11:47

Oh Toothache, what a pain in the arse. I don't know what to say really.

I hate it when people don't want to change, I hate it when someone is clearly making someone else unhappy but doens't want to stop. I went out with a guy for a couple of years who was very moody and argumentative. I hated it, we broke up but he promised to change. Guess what, he did! For about 3 weeks.

I hope your dh can buck up his attitude and if not I know what I would do. You have to decide what is best for you and find a way there. There is always a way.

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 11:48

Lonelymum - Thats it! yOu've hit the nail on the head there! I feel like he concentrates more on working hard at work than he does working to make our relationship work. He keeps telling its all because he stressed at work. But he needs to realise that by putting all this effort into work, his family are really suffering. And whats the point in doing well at work only to have your family fall apart? Well thats my thinking anyway. I work so I can build up my family and give us security! He has lost sight of why he wanted this big promotion in the first place..... to help his family.

I don't know how to make him better though Lonelymum.

OP posts:
cod · 16/09/2005 11:49

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 11:50

Dejags - He knows what he's doing to ds, and his guilt about that makes matters worse. His attitude isn't "oh lets try harder and get the help we need to make this better"... its "Look how upset ds is, this is your fault... the only way to make it better is for me to leave coz I can't cope with you".

But of course.... he can't leave.... not for any longer than a night kipping on his pals sofa.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toothache · 16/09/2005 11:52

No Cod, I'm not his Mum. He loves and respects her.

OP posts:
Lonelymum · 16/09/2005 11:53

Book the appt for counselling.

Arrange a night out for you together.

Talk to him about the strain his behaviour has on your family and try to reassess together what you want out of life re work, family.

Try to understand the next time he has a go at you that he is not trying to wreck his marriage and he does not hate you. It is his job he is kicking out against.

Appeal to him to try to recreate in small ways the relationship you once had eg the cuddles on the sofa or the Sunday morning lie-in. Could your mother have the children for one day at the weekend?