My daughter has had an abortion

[Overthinker78]

Please help me do the right thing. I

My 24 year old daughter has had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. She had become pregnant following a holiday one night stand and was clear from the outset that she did not want to go through with an unplanned pregnancy alone. As gently as possible, I tried to get her to think through all options and let her know that she would have my emotional, practical and financial support if she chose to parent but - if she did not - I would understand and help her through the procedure as best I could.

My views have always been strongly prolife, having chosen to keep my dd, despite pressure to abort from my parents 24 years ago. I have been that scared girl with an unplanned pregnancy but she turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried to show my daughter that good can come from something that feels like a disaster. But at the same time, I understand that she is frightened

Since my daughter's abortion, I have been consumed by feelings of guilt and worry. I can't shake the overwhelming fear that she made the wrong decision and that, perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild. I feel panic and worry for her mental health when the weight of her decision kicks in.

I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter.

Nope. My original post clearly stated I encouraged her to look at ALL the options.

But she did, and she made her choice, and then you came on here and said you failed to save the life of your grandchild… as if your daughter has committed some sin and killed.

She didn’t want a kid. Especially not with some one night stand she will never see again. That’s the end of it.

You’re entitled to your opinion, but everyone else is entitled to disagree and tell you to keep those opinions to yourself.

No I wouldn't because, unlike many of the posters on this thread, I believe that people's opinions can differ on this matter. If a woman - my daughter, for example - disagrees with my view that their pregnancy is a child / life, that's their right. Your comment makes no sense given that the whole premise of this is that I did not force my daughter through pregnancy and birth.

What do you actually mean by “ALL the options” ?

Continue the pregnancy or stop the pregnancy are the options.

I think a pp made a good point upthread about the likelihood of her giving some thought (and discussing with friends) what they’d do in an unplanned pregnancy situation. This probably isn’t a rash decision made in haste.

It sounds as though your dd is aware of your own feelings around abortion but has decided to be open about it with you.

I think that demonstrates how strongly she believes her decision is right for her.

@LaviniasBigBloomers that is a very bold statement to make. Abortion regret isn’t made up. Fair enough we do not hear enough stories about women that carry on with their lives but there is a huge misunderstanding with the healing that happens after an abortion and to underestimate the feelings that occur (wheather it only lasts a week because of the hormone crash or 2 years). To simplify abortion to you either regret it or not is so simplistic and something that makes it very difficult for women to get the right post- abortion care.

If you are speaking for yourself fair.

I’d hate to have a parent like this to be honest. I’ve had a termination in the past and my mum did all the right things to make me feel better about it but also made sure it was my decision. Which I made In the toilet of the place.

You'd hate to have a supportive loving parent who put her own beliefs and feelings to one side, and went to your appointment with you supporting you all the way and keeping her own sadness to herself on an anonymous forum? Would ye aye?

I never said it was made up, I said it was vanishingly rare in cases where there was no coercion, and I included financial pressures in my definition of coercion.

Numerous women have shared their experiences in this thread and have no regrets.

Of course I want women to access proper care and support, but 'you'll regret it later, everyone does' is a forced-birthing myth.

Sent too soon, a myth that OP has fully bought into as she waits for regret to inevitably crash over her DD, who appears to be just fine with her decision.

@nancypowers1983 i know when and what my mums feeling about my situations just by reading her.

i have a mum who sat with me at my appointment held my hand waited for me to come out spoke to me about it let me cry but never once felt like I was doing her out of a grandchild infact I was younger than 24 When I did this and I had a child at 26 and I’m still even sure now my mum would’ve wanted me to be in my 30s before I had a child. I think she’s selfish and she’s only unravelling it now because so many people have called her out? Like counselling for your daughters termination? Really is that necessary I mean by all means if it was your own id been there but my mum certainly wouldn’t need so.

im all for feeling sad but life isn’t over for her daughter or herself and it’s not like she was going to bring the baby up as her own although. Ow I’m half thinking is that what she wanted cause her biological clock is over. Any mother will and would know the mental challenges of having a child even with a village to help. I wouldn’t as a parent want my daughter in the future to do that alone even with me behind her. However if my daughter was in this situation and said she wanted to keep I would support butt here’s no way I’d be a wreck over it and needing therapy.

i will probably wake up and regret these posts in the morning but it’s just baffling she didn’t come across like she cared much abohr what her daughter wanted and that she went because she obviously wanted and had to but shed of much preferee her daughter to essentially end the life she has now to become a mum

i have a mum who sat with me at my appointment held my hand waited for me to come out spoke to me about it let me cry but never once felt like I was doing her out of a grandchild

So exactly the same as the OP, then. Her DD is entirely oblivious to what OP posted here. Just as you don't know what private feelings your own mum might have had.

You didn’t “force” a 24 year-old woman into completing a pregnancy and giving birth? What do you want - a fucking bun?

No one is giving prizes for this. She could have just kept her mouth shut.

Wow. What a nasty post. So disrespectful. You are talking about op’s daughter, whom she has supported fully. Op really doesn’t deserve this level of vitriol for having thoughts that you don’t happen to agree with, that she has expressed anonymously on a site that is meant to be supportive of parents.

Are you the thought police now?

Surely it’s op’s actions that count? And the fact that her dd was fully supported in whatever decision she made?

My thoughts exactly. There are some very unhinged and unpleasant people on this board. Accusing the OP of having 'issues' when her replies have been calm and respectful throughout. So much projection, her post she's obviously touched a nerve with a lot of people I hope MN takes it down soon as it's become toxic.

Definitely feels like a witch hunt/thought police now. op has already thanked people for feedback ages ago, realised she wanted to focus on the future and continue to support her daughter. I am not sure what more people want....?! Very unpleasant stuff..

You asked op this question at 16.20 pm
and lower down the thread too.

And your post is full of speculation:

“The likelihood is”

“This probably isn’t”

”It sounds as though”

“I think that demonstrates”

You don’t really know any of these things at all - you certainly do not know op’s dd better than her own mother - and all it demonstrates is your desperate need to get op to pigeonhole her feelings in to one rigid category or another when it’s perfectly possible to feel two conflicting emotions at once when it comes to a situation such as this.

@Commencethedancing Of course it’s natural to feel conflicted. I said that.

Ive no idea why you’ve jumped on me.

Op wanted to talk her difficult feelings through and I had attempted a dialogue? I made suggestions , asked questions and gave my opinion- I challenged some of the views - and op responded politely.

Theres really no need for you to fly in with a cape on to rescue the op.

You’ll always get a few trolls on threads like these especially in the small hours. Best to ignore those.

I think you are being a tad disingenuous there SmileyClare

If you read through your previous posts, you have repeatedly asked, for reasons known only to yourself, for the op to declare themselves either “pro-choice” or “pro-life” and I am asking why it is so important for you to do that?

Why the hell should I be “respectful”? I don’t owe the OP anything.

It’s pretty childish of posters to accuse me of trolling too, just because I’m not cheerleading someone for “allowing” a grown woman to make her own decision rather than trying to dictate to her.

Why the hell should I be “respectful”?
I don’t owe the OP anything.

Well that says it all really.

Blimey who made you slipper of the yard 🤣

In answer to your question- there’s a huge difference between declaring yourself “strongly pro life” and then explaining that you support a woman’s right to choose- even if that might not be your. choice.

If op could make that distinction in her mind I thought it would help her reach some level of acceptance.

Sometimes it’s helpful to have your views challenged.

I don’t know why you want me to justify all my responses to you.

I don’t know why you want me to justify all my responses to you.

😂. But it’s ok for you to continually ask the op to justify all of her responses to you?

Of course because op came here to discuss the issue and asked for help processing it?

What on earth is wrong with challenging someone’s views and asking questions? I don’t have to explain to you why I’ve asked op some leading questions (although I have).

I hope you can close your investigation into my posting history now. I’m finding this a bit weird.

@SmileyClare You seem to miss the point that there's a time and a place to ask people to challenge their views. You also seem unwilling to have your own views challenged so it seems unreasonable to expect OP to be fair game given that's the case.

^^ Exactly this!