My daughter has had an abortion

[Overthinker78]

Please help me do the right thing. I

My 24 year old daughter has had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. She had become pregnant following a holiday one night stand and was clear from the outset that she did not want to go through with an unplanned pregnancy alone. As gently as possible, I tried to get her to think through all options and let her know that she would have my emotional, practical and financial support if she chose to parent but - if she did not - I would understand and help her through the procedure as best I could.

My views have always been strongly prolife, having chosen to keep my dd, despite pressure to abort from my parents 24 years ago. I have been that scared girl with an unplanned pregnancy but she turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried to show my daughter that good can come from something that feels like a disaster. But at the same time, I understand that she is frightened

Since my daughter's abortion, I have been consumed by feelings of guilt and worry. I can't shake the overwhelming fear that she made the wrong decision and that, perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild. I feel panic and worry for her mental health when the weight of her decision kicks in.

I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter.

Just wow! Get a grip. I would be openly encouraging and supportive of my daughter in this scenario. Telling her to dust herself off, not to dwell on it and move forward in a positive way In her life. She absolutely did the right thing.

You might find Rachel's Vineyard helpful. It is a pro-life post-abortion healing organisation. Their main focus is group retreats. It is a Catholic foundation, but anyone is welcome as long as they are ok with a broadly Christian atmosphere (Bible readings are used, that's about it). They could also put you in touch with other pro-life organisations who offer individual counselling, but their approach is that small groups are preferable.

This is a good opportunity to examine your own beliefs as a pp has pointed out.

Pro life is defined as anti abortion- a belief that a woman should not have the freedom to choose to abort.

Now faced with the reality of a loved one exerting her right to abort you have supported her choice.

Your stance has changed or it’s forced you to think about your own feelings and beliefs?

This may have caused your past emotions around your own unplanned pregnancy to surface. Your own motivations to have a baby may have been far more complex than “I’m pro life”

OP I would never be able to tell my mum if I wanted or had an abotion, and I am older than your daughter, because I know that she would be devestated and would try to talk me out of it, then she would be upset and resent me for life. The fact your daughter felt able to come to you and ask for your support speaks volumes. Hold onto that. Hold on to whatever you have with your daughter that made her feel she could come to you, focus on developing that side of yourself and your relationship. She did the right thing for her, and you should feel proud that she has good decision making, and proud that you have nurtured a caring and supportive relationship with your adult daughter.

How about focusing more on your daughter's emotional and physical health now than worrying about something that WASNT your grandchild?

It was s tiny collection of cells at 6 weeks. A missed period. There was no baby op.

Your daughter will thankfully now be in a position to sort her contraception out and go on to have a fulfilling life and have kids when / if she is ready to.

She's your precious daughter. Don't judge her. Let her be who she needs to be and please don't make her feel bad.

Sit with your feelings and think about why you might have them, sure. But chose to be the best mum you can be right now. You're not a grandmother you're a mother.

Good luck x

Her decision is none of your business. It is personal to her. You need to accept her decision, support her in any way you can and she needs and get help for your feelings elsewhere.

You should be proud of your brave daughter for making the right decision for her. There's no saying she won't have children in the future when she's ready and the time is right.

OP's feelings are valid, but the importance of not sharing them with her daughter is very relevant.

Be pro life if you want to, but only ever be that for yourself. Don't ever make that relevant to others because not your body, not your choice.

I would like to add that I think it's great that you have been supportive of your daughter throughout this time op.

No woman actively wants to have an abortion & when we face this difficult decision it's just about making the choice that's right for us individually, at that time.

If you are "pro life" - then be "pro your daughters life". She's here with you now. Every month she has a period that could potentially be your grandchild. Do you get upset then? I doubt it.

Thankfully you are bringing your daughter up in a country where women have the right to make the decision on whether to become mothers or not when they are ready.

Your daughter having a child when she's not ready or mature enough to do so could be disastrous and leave her and the child with terrible mental health issues.

It's great that things worked out for you in the end but she's not you. Let her be and be proud of doing so. That's great mothering x

Absolutely this^^

Thank you so much to those pp who have taken the time to come onto this thread and give me words of wisdom and practical advice. Reading your comments have helped so much in letting me get some perspective on the situation and helping me see that there is no benefit to getting into my feelings about it all.

I know my daughter feels supported by me and she knows that I put her first and that is all that matters. I do not regret talking her through her options, sharing my experience with her and, ultimately, accepting the choice she made for herself, albeit, one that I internally struggle with.

For those who have come on to the thread to ridicule and invalidate my feelings, I truly admire anyone elses ability to approach the situation in an emotionless, unsentimental and practical way. It is a shame, though, that sensitivity and respect is something easier preached than practiced.

Just to add, that I look at my beautiful children now and think how I would never have made or met them, had I not had a termination in the past or a miscarriage.

These things are difficult & emotional. But they are part of life. It will all work out ok in the end. Be there for her 💖

I’m glad this thread has helped you gain some perspective op.

Would you still consider yourself Pro life after this experience?

No woman actively wants to have an abortion & when we face this difficult decision it's just about making the choice that's right for us individually, at that time.

Not strictly true. I wanted an abortion because I absolutely didn't want a child despite my contraception failure. That was not a difficult decision to make in my case. I'd rather my contraception had worked, granted, but abortion for me was not a difficult decision at all.

Thanks for coming back to this rather awful thread, @Overthinker78 . You should be proud of how you handled this situation and supported your daughter, and I'm glad that you're already recognising that you can start to let go of these feelings.

I could never have approached my mum in the way your DD did. That alone speaks volumes for the kind of mum you are.

I'm pro-choice, but I have great respect for what you did for your DD.

You say your choice was so positive, but who's to say that her choice isn't also positive? My biggest issue with pro-life is that the life of the mother/parents often isn't taken into consideration. Your daughter did not want this pregnancy. If she felt pressured to keep the baby that could have been the worst, possible outcome for her.

I appreciate that it's difficult to change a mindset. I was raised Catholic so was raised pro-life. If you speak to people who were forced or pressured to continue a pregnancy they didn't want, you'll soon understand that pro-life is such a cruel stance. You can have a preference for your own body which I think is different.

I had an abortion at 23. I'm now 36

No the decision never weighed me down. I couldn't afford it in the slightest, I was a student.
My life most likely would have been fucking horrible if I went through it ans i wouldnt be where I am now.

Don't push your views on her. Times have changed massively

This is a you issue not hers.

My daughter similar age also had an abortion. I was delighted. It would have changed her life plan for the worse. She didn't want children, never has , and despite taking the pill she got pregnant

Support her choices. They are hers to make not yours.

Your feelings are valid

I see this on here so much. Valid means “correct” or justifiable.

I don’t think it’s justified to wish you’d done more to make a woman continue with a pregnancy.
I think it’s a misjudged and damaging line of thought.
There’s a difference between acknowledging feelings and validating them.

I wouldn’t advise seeking counselling with any of the pro life or catholic organisations promoted on here.

I really think it would be more helpful to stop framing this as your own grief over a romanticised imagined future and look at the positive outcomes of your daughter’s decision.

Keep those thoughts to yourself

How many times does OP have to say (as she did even in the OP that you presumably read) that she has no intention of letting her DD know how she feels?

This was why she came here to unload, instead of burdening her daughter.

SO many people here who didn't bother reading OP's posts.

Alright SaraClara you don’t need to police the whole thread!

@SmileyClare it would save a lot of posters time and effort if they at least read the OP's posts where she has said she has no intention of letting her DD know how she feels. So many posts simply state that she mustn't let her DD know. What is the point of those posts!

@saraclara because I'm echoing what others have said?

Sometimes people don't say what they mean and for all I know the op will say something to her daughter about her feelings of the situation.

Many women don't have any feelings of guilt and regret after a termination. They know they made the right decision for them.

Yeah, not your decision, she’s done the right thing for her and your pro-life views are neither here nor there, it’s not your body, not your pregnancy. Had you pressured her into keeping it that would have been extremely wrong of you.

I am also a single mum with no involvement of the father and while I couldn’t love my child more it is incredibly hard, even with family support. I’ve had to sacrifice a lot particularly in terms of my own goals. I am much older and more established so have already done a lot, and that is what means I can accept it. If I was younger I would have deeply resented it, which would have been awful for the child, and the resentment would extend to a parent who had pressured me into it.

On a biological level, you haven’t lost a grandchild - at 6 weeks this is a bunch of cells without a heartbeat. If you are still struggling with it you get help for yourself as others have said and you do not take it to your daughter - this is not about you and all you would do is cause her guilt and pain so why would you want to do that?