My daughter has had an abortion

[Overthinker78]

Please help me do the right thing. I

My 24 year old daughter has had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. She had become pregnant following a holiday one night stand and was clear from the outset that she did not want to go through with an unplanned pregnancy alone. As gently as possible, I tried to get her to think through all options and let her know that she would have my emotional, practical and financial support if she chose to parent but - if she did not - I would understand and help her through the procedure as best I could.

My views have always been strongly prolife, having chosen to keep my dd, despite pressure to abort from my parents 24 years ago. I have been that scared girl with an unplanned pregnancy but she turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried to show my daughter that good can come from something that feels like a disaster. But at the same time, I understand that she is frightened

Since my daughter's abortion, I have been consumed by feelings of guilt and worry. I can't shake the overwhelming fear that she made the wrong decision and that, perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild. I feel panic and worry for her mental health when the weight of her decision kicks in.

I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter.

I can definitely sense your good intentions, OP. But how does your daughter appear to be doing?

She will have been made aware by the clinic (and probably been given a booklet to read) about the post-procedure counselling they offer. Which she is welcome to access at any point. Reassure her that you'll be there for her to talk to in confidence any time about what she has been through should she want to, but ensure you don't ever bring it up yourself even if not meant maliciously.

It might be a nice idea to plan a day out for yourself and your daughter to enjoy together and take both your minds off it.

Take care OP. I wish you and your daughter the best.

It was the OP who called me vile, not vice versa.

I am grateful that my daughter seems fine. She never really wavered with her decision which I am thankful for, when I read some pp saying that people who waver may be more likely to have regrets.
When she told me she was pregnant, it was "I know how you are going to feel about this but...." and she seemed so sure. So I did not try to enforce pro life views on her or "persuade" her to change her decisive opinion. My fears that "I could have said more..." stem from the short turnaround from test to the procedure which was only 5 days and the fear that she didn't consider ALL of the options in enough detail, pros and cons.

It may well be the fact that the ‘short turnaround’ wasn’t an issue for her, because she is a grown intelligent woman who knew what she wanted to do. I think everyone’s suggestion of some counselling for you to talk things through may be a good idea, as you may well be worrying over issues that were never a problem. Best of luck OP.

If that was my DD I'd be delighted that she only had to wait 5 days. When I had mine 20 years ago, I had to wait 5 WEEKS and have a surgical termination under GA. I'd tested as soon as my period was late and gone to the GP straight away, I was literally 4 weeks pregnant, but then had to go through morning sickness and exhaustion in the following weeks, all the time never wavering in my decision. It's wonderful that nowadays women can take a couple of tablets and not have to suffer weeks of an unwanted pregnancy.

Your daughter made the choice that protects her future and provides the best possible future for any planned children she may choose one day.

if you are struggling with raising a young woman who makes rational decisions, then you need a therapist. I don’t mean to sound flippant. It’s really important that you don’t let your baggage impact her.

I haven't read the full post but it's probable she will never have any sort of 'guilt' that 'sets in'.

I have never had a termination but I have had a miscarriage (never know I was pregnant, confirmed by doctor) and I never felt sad. If I had been pregnant, I'd have terminated. Everyone kept asking constantly if I was ok, and I found it baffling.

She made the right decision for herself and if she's as pro choice as me, likely will never feel guilty. It was her choice, her body, her bundle of cells. You say absolutely nothing & seek counseling for yourself if you feel the need

Sorry that should have said if I had known I was pregnant, I'd have terminated. And I wouldn't have felt guilty.

You feel guilty because you're mourning the life of your 'potential' grandchild - what about the life of your daughter, who is actually already here? Would you seriously have liked her to carry and birth a child she didn't really want?

She didn't want a baby. She chose to terminate and is well within her rights to do so. And some would say (including me), it was kinder that way- rather than bring a child into the world when it isn't 100%, enthusiastically wanted by its mother.
I have been on the receiving end of a parent who resented me for being around, and trust me it's been no walk in the park.

It was never your place to try to talk her round and it's not your place to put your feelings onto her now

fear that she didn’t consider ALL of the options

Youve mentioned “ALL the options” a couple of times so can you elaborate?

To be blunt; The choice is to continue with a pregnancy or terminate isn’t it?
2 options.

Unless you wanted dd to consider going through pregnancy and having a child adopted?

I think your daughter sounds great OP.

She's felt able to come to you and confide in you knowing your pro life views, this must have been hard for her too, worrying what you would potentially say to her. It's a great testament to you as a parent too.

You were right in not forcing the issue with her, you've told her you would support her in her decision and offered her support should she consider an alternative.

Pushing her to consider the pros and cons further would have been a mistake- it sounds in your post that you did not appreciate your parents trying to push abortion when you were in her shoes, this would have been the same and it could have done a lot of damage to your relationship.

Where did OP say that she intended to discuss this with her daughter? She came here looking for advice in dealing with her feelings so she could be the best support possible to her daughter - I.e. the opposite of what people are accusing her of.

People on here... express any feelings that aren't 100% support for abortion and it's like a red rag to a bull even if, like OP, you have no intention of sharing them with anyone in RL.

She started a thread asking for advice in supporting her daughter - she didn't start a thread called "Abortion is Murder, AIBU?"

How about responding to what she's ACTUALLY asked for help with instead of taking yet another opportunity to put the boot in?

If you're projecting things onto a complete stranger that they have't actually said in order to hector and berate them then it seems like maybe you are the one with the problem.

I think you keep these feelings and views to yourself and you go for counselling to have a confidential space to process your emotions around this. I understand why you're feeling the way you do, although I would gently suggest these feelings are in part misplaced because why you'd feel guilty for another person's autonomous decision seems misplaced. Your daughter is a grown adult and she's entitled to decide what the right thing for her body and her life is. Many, many women don't regret having abortions and feel it was the right choice for them so there's every chance your dd will process it that way. It will be much harder for that to happen if you subconsciously put your feelings/ values/opinions onto her though. So you need to find a safe place for them.

She may be absolutely fine. The weight of her decision may not be a weight to her. She simply ended a very early pregnancy that she did not want.

It was not a grandchild, it was a cluster of cells.

I had an abortion many years ago, and I remain relieved and grateful to this day that I did it.

@Overthinker78 Your last post about worrying about the short turnaround on the decision made me want to let you know my experience. This is not to invalidate your feelings in the slightest, but to reassure you that some people just know what they want to do when it comes to this.

I am one of those people. I fell pregnant with my boyfriend when I was around 21 and as soon as the test turned positive I knew I wanted to terminate. Obviously we could have made it work, but I just wasn't ready. There wasn't much of a conversation to have and I have never regretted my decision. Even now, nearly 10 years later, I still know it was the right decision.

The above boyfriend is now my husband, and we have a 3.5 year old daughter.

I hope this brings you some comfort that you did the absolute best thing for your daughter. You supported her in her decision, didn't try to change her mind, and still do to this day. You were a wonderful mother to her and still are by acknowledging while you have these feelings, which are not wrong to have, you should not discuss this with your daughter as it would be a contrast to her support.

@Overthinker78 at your daughter's age my friends and I had absolutely considered, hypothetically, what we would do if we fell pregnant accidentally. Your daughter didn't make the decision out of nowhere, I'll bet.

She's not regretting her decision. She doesn't need you to do it for her. There isn't a penance to be made, or a debt of suffering to be repaid. It's fine as it is.

*She didn’t start a thread stating “Abortion is murder”

I see your point but if you claim the label of “pro lifer” in your op then that’s exactly the belief you subscribe to.

I think op has actually considered her stance and conceded that is not actually her opinion.
I can see how people have reacted to the opening post with angrily opposed views to pro life.

Thank you for this

When I said my views were 'pro life', I actually just meant that it is my belief that life starts at conception. And I struggle with the "bunch of cells" narrative. I don't equate pro life with being anti abortion or with a desire to remove a woman's right to choose. Maybe I should have made that clear.

She said that by not acting she thinks she didn’t do enough to save the life of her grandchild, so she clearly considers abortion to be killing/murder if her grandchild.
Im sure if she was given the chance, she’d vote against abortion rights and she would force women through pregnancy and birth.

I supported my daughter through a medical termination in the summer. I too have been (privately) struggling a bit in that I keep wondering what things would be like if she'd have chosen to continue with the pregnancy and dreaming about babies. I totally understand my daughter's reasons for not wanting to proceed and I in no way blame her for getting pregnant, but I can relate to your feelings so please know that you are not alone and I do not think either of us are in the wrong for doing our best for our children but grieving for what might have been.

Exactly. The convenient narrative about only wanting to make sure her daughter had understood ALL the options (despite zero sign she had ever wavered in the decision) only came up when she got a mostly negative reaction.

Yes I think that your views have become clearer as you’ve continued to post.

To me being “strongly pro life” means an entirely different thing to your stance.

If anything hopefully your dds experience has made you more aware of how rigid and frankly callous a Pro life idealisation can be when faced with the reality of a woman’s feelings about her unwanted pregnancy.

I hope you can continue to process your feelings and reach acceptance on this. And I hope this thread has been useful in some respect!

Would it help to think of it another way?

Obviously I know nothing about you or your Dd, but I have a Dd of a similar age.

Since she was born you can’t help yourself but have expectations about the life she would lead. Maybe get a good education, a decent well paying fulfilling job, a lovely boyfriend, eventually husband. The number of children they plan for, a lovely house and so on. But mostly you hope they’ll just be happy.

Your DD will also have a life plan. My DD’s happens to be very much in line with the above, your child’s may be different. I think girls these days expect to get and want the same things men have always expected, because times have changed.

When I was that age, I wasn’t fed/given/encouraged to have that sort of ambition. There was no talk of university. It was get a job that pays enough for clothes and food, marry and have some babies.

So in a way the ambitions and expectations she/you/society have fostered in her have led to her making this difficult decision.

In spite of loving her profoundly, did having her stop you fulfilling your true potential or ambitions. Would your life have been very different if you hadn’t fallen pregnant then?

Maybe that’s what she’s also taking into account as well as everything else?

Sometimes is difficult to reconcile your heart with your head. I hope you find a way.