My daughter has had an abortion

[Overthinker78]

Please help me do the right thing. I

My 24 year old daughter has had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. She had become pregnant following a holiday one night stand and was clear from the outset that she did not want to go through with an unplanned pregnancy alone. As gently as possible, I tried to get her to think through all options and let her know that she would have my emotional, practical and financial support if she chose to parent but - if she did not - I would understand and help her through the procedure as best I could.

My views have always been strongly prolife, having chosen to keep my dd, despite pressure to abort from my parents 24 years ago. I have been that scared girl with an unplanned pregnancy but she turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried to show my daughter that good can come from something that feels like a disaster. But at the same time, I understand that she is frightened

Since my daughter's abortion, I have been consumed by feelings of guilt and worry. I can't shake the overwhelming fear that she made the wrong decision and that, perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild. I feel panic and worry for her mental health when the weight of her decision kicks in.

I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter.

Ok sorry for snapping at you @saraclara !

I can read my mum like a book. If op is this anxious and upset it might easily become apparent unintentionally.

Ive no idea of your living situation but it might be best to take a step back, don’t instigate conversations centred on this until you have reached some level of acceptance.

She made her decision. If you aren’t happy about it then that is your burden to carry not hers.

Why aren't those feelings justifiable?

Everyone wishes for things that aren't realistic, or that other people would consider wrong sometimes.

Feelings are internal, and not necessarily something that you have a lot of control over. What matters is how you act on those feelings, and from OPs posts those actions seem to be exemplary.

Ok sorry for snapping at you @saraclara!

Thanks @SmileyClare . I just find it really unfair that OP is getting repeatedly slated for things that she's made clear that she hasn't said or done. But yeah, that's mumsnet and I'm just pissing in the wind!

Why aren’t those feelings justifiable?

I personally don’t think it’s justified to push pro life beliefs onto other women. Op is regretting not doing more to save the life of her grandchild. What would “doing more” look like if she thought those feelings were justified?

Those feelings need to be examined not validated.

Your daughter made the best decision for herself
Your past regrets are yours alone and I do hope you are not putting these on to her.
You will end up pushing her away if you are

You're still not separating feelings and actions.

OP feels very strongly pro-life. OP has not pushed those feelings on to her daughter. These aren't conflicting statements.

OP isn't protesting outside abortion clinics, she's not trying to convince other people that abortion is wrong, shes not been unsupportive of her daughter when she had an abortion.

In action, I believe that OP has actually been pro-choice. The only action she has taken that could be construed as pro life is to come on this board and ask for help in how to resolve the conflict between her pro-choice action and her pro-choice beliefs. She's not tried to convert anyone, or push an agenda. She's just for advice on how to resolve her own internal conflict. And instead she's been piled on by people who can't be arsed to look at the nuance.

Despite a strict Catholic upbringing, I do now certainly appreciate it isn't a black and white issue and I understand my daughter's decision and appreciate why she made it. Following the procedure, I reassured her often that she made the right decision as I do not want her to live with regret. My own doubts are mine to deal with alone, of course. No one needs to tell me that. My daughter's mental health is my priority.

I think a lot of people are being harsh to the OP. She has clearly said that she has supported her DD and not voiced her views. We can't help our feelings, just how we act on them.
My son's girlfriend had an abortion. It was entirely their choice and I did not get involved, but you cannot help having a pang that you could potentially have been a grandmother - this is nothing to do with being pro or anti abortion, it's a very strange feeling that you have to keep to yourself.

Hey OP - I just wanted to tell you that you’ve done a wonderful job as a mother and your DD will always appreciate that.

I had an abortion at a similar age, and I have never regretted it. I wish the same for your DD.

I was also accompanied to the clinic by someone who was supporting me 100% but would almost certainly have made the opposite choice for themselves if they’d been in my position. I love them deeply for their care and compassion and shall never forget it.

Take care of yourself

You are actually vile. If you had taken the time to read my posts properly, you would be aware that I have put my daughter's feelings and wishes first throughout. You can be so abusive and reactionary about my post but I am not allowed to have feel or react?

I can be arsed to see the nuance.

I don’t agree that some of op’s feelings are valid or particularly logical. I understand she is not acting upon her feelings.

Its useful to dig down sometimes and examine uncomfortable feelings- where are they coming from? Am I projecting my own experience here or assuming my daughter thinks and feels exactly like me?

Im not going to pat ops hand and tell her those feelings are valid or “true” or reasonable in these circumstances.

Op I’m really glad that you can accept that abortion isn’t a black and white issue. A pro life stance can be quite cruel. I’m sure your strict religious upbringing has given you a massive dose of catholic guilt.

Its natural to feel sad, worried or conflicted. Try not to get carried away with assuming your daughter will feel the same as you.

Wishing you inner peace x

In your OP you literally say that you worry you "didn't do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild".

What does that mean? You wish that you had pressured her more into continuing with an unwanted pregnancy? I can't think what else it could possibly mean.

People are being way too harsh on you @Overthinker78. You are correct, potentially this little life could have been your grandchild so it is okay to grieve that loss. Of course it is.
I applaud you for being so supportive of your daughter as well, you are doing enough. For you (as many others are saying) counselling would be a very sensible start. Either via GP or private therapist, it would allow you a safe non-judgemental space to feel your feelings and find your way around them without the harsh pro-choice comments dismissing your valid experience. And you are not a narcissist- people throw that term around way too freely these days.

Precisely.

Call me vile all you like - I know what I read and am disgusted.

I think a few posters are inflamed by op’s use of the label “pro life” which means anti abortion: no regard to the woman’s or in fact the child’s welfare but prioritising an un born foetus and removing a woman’s choice.

In later posts it appears you ARE pro choice op - which is a belief in the right of women to have a choice to abort even if that wouldn’t be your choice

There’s a huge difference and it’s worth understanding what it actually means to declare yourself “pro life”

You're disgusted by someone who put her own strongly held beliefs and feelings aside in order to support her daughter 100%?

Anyone who acts against their own lifetime beliefs for the sake of someone else, is bound to reflect on that and have some emotional adjustments to deal with. And OP is doing that, without letting her daughter become aware of it.

I'd save 'vile' for the parent who forces their DD to keep a child that they don't want. Not someone like OP who has behaved entirely unselfishly, and now just needs some space to come to terms with it.

Perhaps at the root of this, if you’re completely honest with yourself you feel guilty for helping your daughter have an abortion.

That’s compounded by your own strict catholic upbringing and is in part the reason you continued with your own pregnancy.

You feel conflicted because the rational part of you appreciates and understands your daughter’s choice.

Try to make peace and accept that you both made the right choice for you.

Please lose the guilt- you have no reason to feel guilty.

I feel panic and worry for her mental health when the weight of her decision kicks in.

Why do you say when like it's inevitable? I had an abortion at 10 weeks back in 2021 and it was the best decision I ever made. Never gave it a second thought afterwards and most definitely have never felt any type of poor mental health over it.

Your DD did what was best for her, good on her!

What does “putting her own strongly held beliefs and feelings aside in order to support her daughter 100%” actually mean? She still tried to talk her daughter out of it. She’s still on here pondering what else she could have done to talk her out of it; to push her daughter into parenthood when she isn’t ready.

She isn’t ”Supporting 100%” just because she hasn’t disowned her daughter, or didn’t physically restrain her from trying to get to the clinic. And beliefs being “strongly held” does not stop them being wrong. So yes, I am disgusted.

As others have said OP you simply must keep these thought to yourself for the sake of your daughter and the relationship between you both.

I've never had a termination but a very close friend of mine did in our teens. Your daughter will be feeling very vulnerable and needs your support. You don't have to agree with her decision to be able to give support and feel empathy with your daughter.

Your daughter has made a life changing decision and one that she will be reminded of possibly for the rest of her life.

No. She talked through the options with her daughter and said throughout that she'd support her whatever her choice might be. She even accompanied her to the appointment to support her. You're being entirely hyperbolic in postulating that the only alternative was to physically restrain her DD.

Her belief is 'wrong' in your eyes (and mistaken in mine, too) but anyone who can overcome their feelings for the sake of the wellbeing of another, is far from vile in my book.

I think maybe that we're at cross purposes due to semantics, rather than a true difference of opinion.

I'll use a personal example. I'm scared of people with loads of tattoos, because I once got the shit kicked out of me by someone covered in tattoos. If I see someone like that, I feel very uneasy, I want to bolt, or cross the road.

I would say that that feeling is valid, or reasonable, I'd even go as far as logical. It's a feeling, it's something that just happens to me based on my prior experiences. When it happens, I don't act on it, and I can take the feeling and examine it and acknowledge it isn't helpful, but that doesn't make the fact that I felt it and that I'll probably feel it again any less likely to happen or any less valid.

OPs feelings about abortion are equally valid. They're informed by her past, her Catholic upbringing, the fact that the decision not to abort was the right one for her.

OP isn't asking for a pat on the head and for us to say "Yep, well done, you're completely in the right". She's asked for help in examining how she feels and working through it.

Hopefully the fact that you, I, and a number of others have pointed out that her actual stance on the issue is a lot more pro-choice than she thought she was has helped her in taking steps to resolve the conflict she feels.

@Overthinker78 it May he’ll you too hear that as I slide into the menopause with a husband of 15 years and our children I have never ever once regretted the abortion I had at 20 with my college boyfriend. We are still in vague touch via mutual friends and he too has a happy marriage and children. Neither of us would have the families we have if we’d kept that pregnancy. We’d have tried our best but probably ended up hurting or even hating each other and without the beautiful family as we both now have.