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Original poster

My daughter has had an abortion

257 replies

Overthinker78 · 18/10/2023 06:35

Please help me do the right thing. I

My 24 year old daughter has had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. She had become pregnant following a holiday one night stand and was clear from the outset that she did not want to go through with an unplanned pregnancy alone. As gently as possible, I tried to get her to think through all options and let her know that she would have my emotional, practical and financial support if she chose to parent but - if she did not - I would understand and help her through the procedure as best I could.

My views have always been strongly prolife, having chosen to keep my dd, despite pressure to abort from my parents 24 years ago. I have been that scared girl with an unplanned pregnancy but she turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried to show my daughter that good can come from something that feels like a disaster. But at the same time, I understand that she is frightened

Since my daughter's abortion, I have been consumed by feelings of guilt and worry. I can't shake the overwhelming fear that she made the wrong decision and that, perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild. I feel panic and worry for her mental health when the weight of her decision kicks in.

I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter.

OP posts:
EnjoythemoneyJane · 18/10/2023 07:20

I’m sorry you’re getting such a kicking, OP, when you’ve come here looking for support and advice and are obviously struggling with complex emotions. Her choice is hers, but if you’d made the same decision your lovely daughter wouldn’t be here, and I completely understand how that must play into your view of the situation.

But regardless of tone, the replies on this thread are unanimous. Supporting your daughter in her decision and dealing with your own feelings are two completely separate things, and you need to take great care to keep them separate.

Get some counselling if you need it (agree that using such emotive language and images is not helping you). If your daughter ever has any regrets or worries (she honestly may not!) and chooses to share them with you, don’t ever compare your situations or say anything that may cause her to feel guilty for her decision. You need to process and let go of your own feelings, or a conversation of that nature may lead to you blurting out things that will potentially hurt her and affect your relationship.

You sound like a lovely mum doing her best, which is all we can ever do 💐

NyanBinaryJohn · 18/10/2023 07:21

ConnieTucker · 18/10/2023 06:38

You dont say a word about this to your daughter. If you want to talk to someone, arrange it with a counsellor.

This reply is spot on.

perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild

This from the OP makes me feel uneasy. Anything beyond supporting your daughter in her decision would have been severely overstepping boundaries.

Dolphinnoises · 18/10/2023 07:21

I think the message that women who have an abortion are consumed by guilt is a very powerful article of faith in the pro-life movement but if you consider it objectively, isn’t based on much. You would need to somehow have access to the innermost thoughts of millions of women.

I have never had an abortion but there are threads on here where people discuss how they felt and while there are a minority of women who feel guilt afterwards, many of those have been pressured by partners or poverty and wanted the baby. A huge number of women say they felt relief and moved on with their lives.

This isn’t what you would (what you did) feel but if you are not going to create those negative feelings for your daughter (and create the very trauma you are worried about) you need to tell her you are there for her and keep your sadness to yourself.

The comment above about only pro-life charities offering effective counselling is rubbish. I actually think a pro-life charity would be a terrible idea because of the article of faith mentioned above. A registered counsellor would explore your feelings and give you an outlet, with no agenda other than to help you come to terms with this.

Dustpantsandbush · 18/10/2023 07:22

This isn’t about you.

Original poster
Overthinker78 · 18/10/2023 07:23

Not at all. My experience allows me to empathise with her difficult decision and i have been with her each step of the process. It is just that my choice was so positive and I just wonder would history have repeated itself with her.

I have repeatedly told her she made the right decision for her. I don't want her to live with regret and the mental health struggles this might incur, therefore, I would never voice my feelings to her. But I don't really know how to get past these emotions and that's why I am here.

OP posts:
NyanBinaryJohn · 18/10/2023 07:25

I think the message that women who have an abortion are consumed by guilt is a very powerful article of faith in the pro-life movement but if you consider it objectively, isn’t based on much. You would need to somehow have access to the innermost thoughts of millions of women.

Good point. I had one about 15 years ago and don't regret it one bit. It absolutely was the right decision for me (and in my case easy to make) and I think the mental anguish would have come had I continued the pregnancy,

Tempnamechng · 18/10/2023 07:26

Kindly - this isn't about you. Your dd made a sensible body decision based on her age, wants, needs and circumstances. You are perhaps grieving a little for the potential grandchild, but you need to concentrate this on supporting your dd. Whatever you are feeling, you can probably double it for her. You know life is tough for a single new mother, and she obviously didn't want that life for herself.

Whataretheodds · 18/10/2023 07:26

You did enough. You gave your daughter the support and confidence to make the right decision for her.

That is different from the decision you made, and that's OK. It's not a negative reflection on you as a mother or a potential grandmother that she chose to terminate the pregnancy. It's a positive reflection on you that she felt able to confide in you and that you managed to stay neutral. Well done in that.

It sounds like you brought your daughter up to have choices. Think of all the choices she will now have. She is still plenty young enough to decide to have children of her own and for you to play a part in their life.

Yes you need to get over your feelings and not make this about you when you talk to her. You can move forward reassured that her decision is not a criticism of you and your choices or your parenting.

bakedbrain · 18/10/2023 07:26

Something that may help is thinking about the different economic / social times. It may not magically turn out all OK for your daughter as it did for you.

Welfare cuts began in 2010 when your daughter was thankfully no longer a child (children cost a lot more than teens). When your daughter turned 20 in 2019, social security payments were the lowest they had been since the welfare state was started, even compared to Thatcher's times! This trend is going to continue.

So many other things as well. For example, think of how many people your daughter's age are moving back in with their parents now. Property ownership is not going to be possible for many young people in their lifetime.

Being a single parent will always be hard but in broad terms she will have much less of a safety net than you did.

SmileyClare · 18/10/2023 07:28

Regretting that you didn’t do more to save the life of a potential grandchild?

This is such a an awful way to think. It’s not helpful in anyway. In fact it’s quite self indulgent. Sorry but there isn’t a kind way to tell you that.

Take a step back until you can respect and accept your dd’s decision as the right choice.

Eyesopenwideawake · 18/10/2023 07:29

But I don't really know how to get past these emotions and that's why I am here.

As others have said, counselling would be a good start.

Fahbeep · 18/10/2023 07:30

I think you need counselling. But you must separate your own feelings and beliefs from those of your daughter. She made her decision and it's done (as was her right). She will be dealing with her own emotions, and doesn't need you questioning whether it was the right decision. Trying to be gentle, but posters saying you need to work through your own feelings without involving your daughter in that process are correct.

BigButtons · 18/10/2023 07:33

The emotions will pass. I would just sit with them and let them be. Don’t over think it .

Honeychickpea · 18/10/2023 07:36

Overthinker78 · 18/10/2023 06:35

Please help me do the right thing. I

My 24 year old daughter has had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. She had become pregnant following a holiday one night stand and was clear from the outset that she did not want to go through with an unplanned pregnancy alone. As gently as possible, I tried to get her to think through all options and let her know that she would have my emotional, practical and financial support if she chose to parent but - if she did not - I would understand and help her through the procedure as best I could.

My views have always been strongly prolife, having chosen to keep my dd, despite pressure to abort from my parents 24 years ago. I have been that scared girl with an unplanned pregnancy but she turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried to show my daughter that good can come from something that feels like a disaster. But at the same time, I understand that she is frightened

Since my daughter's abortion, I have been consumed by feelings of guilt and worry. I can't shake the overwhelming fear that she made the wrong decision and that, perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild. I feel panic and worry for her mental health when the weight of her decision kicks in.

I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter.

Get over yourself. This is not about you.

IsThereABarUpThere · 18/10/2023 07:36

I mean this kindly, You need to get a grip.

You're being overbearing and this is none of your business. She's a 24 year old woman. She made the right decision for her.

Her body, her fertilised cells inside.

Please don't make this about you. As much as you care, you're being irrational.

IsThereABarUpThere · 18/10/2023 07:37

You get past the emotions because it's done. She has had the abortion. The pregnancy has ended.

Therefore you move on!!

slopsan · 18/10/2023 07:38

You are focusing on something that cannot change. Actions cannot be undone regardless of whether we regret them or not.

When these thoughts enter your head, remind yourself of the futility of regretting the past - don't think about what you did or didn't do or what the outcome was. Just remind yourself that focusing on your regret is harming your mental health and helping no one. Move on.

Autumcolors · 18/10/2023 07:42

If you want some pro life post abortion support send me a Pm. I have some Uk places/resources that can try to help. Your feelings are entirely valid. As is your grief and pain.
I will only send links for you to contact phone numbers.
otherwise Google
pro life post abortion support uk
and there are organations such as Life, and Good Councel Network that can help you get some support

SmileyClare · 18/10/2023 07:42

Does your dd live at home?

Id honestly feel suffocated by a mum that was continually checking on me and “offering support” after an abortion.

Although you haven’t vocalised your feelings of “regret” and “panic” it must be quite apparent.

I would want to move on with my life without regrets. This is a healthy way to view a termination in my view.

You don’t need to “get past your emotions”. Acknowledge them, but realise they aren’t particularly rational.
Don’t indulge in being overly sentimental about an imagined future.

Unless your dd wants to discuss her feelings then close the door on this now, move on and support her plans for the future.

TiredMamOfTwo · 18/10/2023 07:44

Overthinker78 · 18/10/2023 07:23

Not at all. My experience allows me to empathise with her difficult decision and i have been with her each step of the process. It is just that my choice was so positive and I just wonder would history have repeated itself with her.

I have repeatedly told her she made the right decision for her. I don't want her to live with regret and the mental health struggles this might incur, therefore, I would never voice my feelings to her. But I don't really know how to get past these emotions and that's why I am here.

Why are you making it all about yourself? You just need to get over it, it's done.

crumblingschools · 18/10/2023 07:44

For those posters telling OP to get a grip, if in other circumstances your adult DC either told you they or their partner were 6 weeks pregnant would you not be thinking of a future grandchild or would you just think it was a bunch of cells and nothing to think about.

The OP’s daughter made the right decision for her and in her mind they were just a bunch of cells, but I can also understand OP’s feelings.

Kate9423 · 18/10/2023 07:44

I was your daughter once. I didn't tell my Mum or anyone infact and did it alone. I felt I'd be judged and would have opinions thrown my way.
To this day it was the single most traumatic thing I've ever been through.

She trusted you enough to be with her etc, by all means seek counselling elsewhere but do not share that with her.

henrysugar12 · 18/10/2023 07:46

This isn't about you. You haven't lost anything, stop projecting your own experience on your daughter.

MissTrip82 · 18/10/2023 07:46

You could reassure yourself about her mental health by exposing yourself to factual information. If you acquaint yourself with the evidence you’ll see that the primary risk to mental health posed by termination is not having access to a safe, legal one.

It’s not too late to work on forming an informed, evidence-based opinion.

theduchessofspork · 18/10/2023 07:48

Oh OP, with kindness framing it as ‘’I didn’t do enough to save the life of my grandchild’ is quite worrying - it implies you think your daughter took your grandchild’s life - she did not, a foetus is not a person. It sounds like you came uncomfortably close to pressuring her to continue the pregnancy, which was wrong.

She experienced being raised by a young single mother and she was clear that life wasn’t for her, and/or it wasn’t the life she wanted for her child. This is not a criticism of your parenting - I’m guessing you raised her to have high expectations of life and she wants to fulfil that.

As a PP says generally abortions don’t leave people with guilt. The majority are clear it’s the right decision and move on, often having a family when the time is right.

These are obviously deep feelings for you - and it sounds like you need clearer boundaries between you and her. I’d suggest some counselling to why this is such a big issue for you - it will be about your experiences and choices in your own life, rather than anything to do with your daughter. However much you try and hide it, I think she is likely picking up on your concerns and may come to resent them, so I think it would be a great idea for you to address this.