My daughter has had an abortion

[Overthinker78]

Please help me do the right thing. I

My 24 year old daughter has had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. She had become pregnant following a holiday one night stand and was clear from the outset that she did not want to go through with an unplanned pregnancy alone. As gently as possible, I tried to get her to think through all options and let her know that she would have my emotional, practical and financial support if she chose to parent but - if she did not - I would understand and help her through the procedure as best I could.

My views have always been strongly prolife, having chosen to keep my dd, despite pressure to abort from my parents 24 years ago. I have been that scared girl with an unplanned pregnancy but she turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I tried to show my daughter that good can come from something that feels like a disaster. But at the same time, I understand that she is frightened

Since my daughter's abortion, I have been consumed by feelings of guilt and worry. I can't shake the overwhelming fear that she made the wrong decision and that, perhaps, I didnt do enough to save the life of my potential grandchild. I feel panic and worry for her mental health when the weight of her decision kicks in.

I would appreciate any advice I can get to help me move towards a fuller acceptance of this situation so I can be a better support for my daughter.

This is daft. The time and place to ask someone about their views is on a Talk forum when they’ve initiated a discussion!

Which of my views would you like challenged then? I’m happy to discuss.

@SmileyClare well no, she didn't invite discussion on that. She asked for discussion on how she could deal with her feeling of loss in a way that won't impact her daughter. It is that simple. You don't seem to want to see that. Unclear if you are genuinely so rigid in your own thinking that you can't see this, or if you're feeling sheepish and can't back down now you've said so much. Either way, you've made your point repeatedly. Time to leave it be.

@SmileyClare though it is great to see you are open to discussing your own views and challenging them, I do give you respect for that. It would be best done on a separate thread specifically set up as a views challenging one though.

😂🤣 ok

A lot of pointless quibbling over OP's language. Maybe I'm using Americanised/politicised language wrongly, but I'm pro life too – I genuinely believe life starts at conception, and it's not like slicing off a bunch of cells/tumour – but also pro choice for all women. In fact I think I would have an abortion myself even though it would kill me emotionally. No point to life unless it's a good/loved life (for both the baby, and the woman).

This is daft. The time and place to ask someone about their views is on a Talk forum when they’ve initiated a discussion!

Exactly!

Look if someone has conflicting feelings because their daughter’s actions don’t align with their strong beliefs then it might be helpful to examine those beliefs and the reasons you hold them.

Op clarified her stance on abortion to me and it was clear that she actually feels far more understanding and accepting of her dds choice than a “pro lifer” would be.

Maybe that has helped op or not but I was not trying to offend.

I took op’s description of herself as “strongly pro life” at face value- I don’t think that defines her stance at all. I suggested that might be the reason some posters were reacting angrily.

Ive been tactful and wished op well.

It seems pointless to get offended on her behalf in this way.

Im late for work now but hopefully this explains my posts.

To add on, there's no consensus in medicine, philosophy or theology about when life starts. So please stop verbally abusing OP for believing life starts at conception.

If you believe foetuses are alive, naturally you're going to be more sad about an abortion of a foetus carrying your genes. That doesn't mean you believe abortions shouldn't be allowed. It's like being sad about someone's decision about euthanasia – doesn't mean you disagree with their right to choose to die with dignity.

And finally, I think the thought police on here can't blame OP for just HAVING feelings.

Flipping it around, I would personally be disappointed if my own young DD had decided to drop out of Oxbridge (which she worked really hard to get into) or her early prestigious career to devote the rest of her life to her unplanned baby.

Would I say anything? Hell no. It's about my daughter, NOT about me. Would I be outwardly supportive? Yes. Would I try to privately work through my feelings so I can best support her? You bet. Would I roll my eyes at anyone who castigated me for having private feelings? Yup!

A lot of comments are telling OP to go to therapy, and while therapy is 100% a good idea, so is seeking perspectives and experiences. She's obviously proactively trying to work through her feelings on this forum, so she can support her daughter. I'm really not sure what the point of vicious nasty comments are.

And finally, I think the thought police on here can't blame OP for just HAVING feelings.

We sure as hell can judge the feelings though.

Why though? How is it our place to judge anyone?

Interesting. I genuinely, sincerely think OP has a higher level of emotional intelligence than most on this thread, because she knows not everything that is Thought has to be Said (let alone viciously):

"Following the procedure, I reassured her often that she made the right decision as I do not want her to live with regret. My own doubts are mine to deal with alone, of course. No one needs to tell me that. My daughter's mental health is my priority."

Judge away internally, but I think most normal people know not to speak out their nasty and unhelpful innermost thoughts – OP knows that. But it seems like you/many on this thread don't.

I expect whether or not my own young DD had an abortion or kept the child, I would have many mixed feelings (including my heartbreak for my DD) which I would keep to myself and try to work through by myself.

Feelings, especially about major events of loved ones, tend to be complex; I bet you and everyone else on this thread think/feel things you wish you didn't, and try to work through that as well. If not, you wouldn't be human. I genuinely don't see the point of being a sanctimonious, priggish, vicious thought police. Maybe this is the kind of demographic a largely anonymous Internet forum attracts though.

I don't think it's really the daughter you care for (she prob wouldn't care much for Internet trolls anyway). More just a chance to be nasty that you jumped on. To be clear, by 'you' I mean a general you!

I thought the meaning of pro-life was generally accepted to mean the opposite of pro-choice. Its hardly quibbling if people take that term to mean that it usually means.

@crimsonfleet I suppose, and I can see the political weight of those words. But she's said in literally every post that she understands and respects her daughter's decision, and every single woman's individual decision. So why quibble about two words she clearly misused (to mean the belief that sentient life begins at conception – which can and does coexist with respect for abortion rights)?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but my impressiom is that the pro-life/pro-choice labels are more omnipresent in America (Roe v Wade etc). I feel like it's Internet-heavy demographics in the UK who are very familiar with these labels (as bywords for essentially Republican stance vs Democrat stance on abortion).

Even in contentious debates in the UK – like Scotland / NI (where they have to travel for an abortion), and the recent Carla Foster case in England, and about abortion protests/political groups in general – mainstream media, academics and most people say "abortion rights" and "anti-abortion". Essentially I feel this whole thread is getting mad at OP for unknowingly misusing an Americanism.

Look, if you want to be a po-faced Pollyanna saying “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything” with pursed lips, you crack on. Some of us live in the real world.

Wow!

@WomanStanleyWoman2 Weak grasp of irony on your side. I actually laughed out loud so thank you for that.

If my maxim is apparently "if you can't say anything nice, don't say it", that's probably more realistic than yours and PP's: "If you can't think anything nice, don't think it". That's what all of you have been ordering OP to do. Ooh, scary thought gestapo!!

Anyway, to me, it's about usefulness, not niceness. It's ultimately useful to regulate our outward behaviour, or try to reframe our inner dialogue so as to change our outward behaviour. Grandstanding, empty moralising and berating someone for their inner dialogue – which they're already trying to change – just doesn't strike me as particularly useful. Yawn.

Neither useful nor applicable to OP's posts for that matter. (I find reading is such a useful skill!) I know, it's so disappointing that her posts eventually reveal she's not the Bible thumping Planned Parenthood hating archetype we all want to hate. That's ok, I'm sure one will pop up somewhere at some point.

@WomanStanleyWoman2 also, as you reference the real world... Sadly, the real world isn't the American Internet or a debate between the GOP and AOC. I know pro-choice and pro-life are fairly common terms, again thanks to the ubiquity of American politics, but as I said above, in the UK mainstream media, academics and most people say "abortion rights" and "anti-abortion". You lot basically viciously jumped down her throat based on a misused Americanism and are too embarrassed to back down IMO.

Pro life is a widely accepted name for anti abortion idealisation in the UK. Look up the Oxford definition.

I genuinely think op that your pro life beliefs have been shaken by your daughter’s experience and choice to abort- hence your difficult conflicted feelings on the issue, and the feelings of guilt and regret that surfaced through supporting her.

I thought it might help to dig a bit deeper into what your beliefs were. What influences them?
Can you accept a more liberal stance and absolve those difficult feelings of remorse- the feeling that you’ve done something “wrong”? I think youve acted admirably.

Clearly posters have been deeply offended by my questions and I’ve been told this “isn’t the time” to challenge a person’s beliefs.

Dealing with feelings often means acknowledging them but also examining what is influencing them- trying to reframe your thoughts, rationalise them and make sense of your internal conflict.

I hope you can reach a place of acceptance.

It was the right decision for her. You might have liked a grandchild now. But realistically if she's not ready for a child then it would not have worked out well. You were ready for yours. She isn't.
She will have one when she is ready. And not with a one night stand. That's not an ideal way to start a family. She will have a child with a loving father and you will enjoy them all. So much to look forward to. You supported her in her choice you are an amazing mother. She will repay you for this later. X

I had an abortion and I didn't feel guilt. My only regret was I waited till 40 to have a child. I wish I'd had two at 30. I have never regretted the abortion. I wasn't ready at all.

SmileyClare, Please know that I appreciate your responses on here. You've taken the time to try to help and given me exactly what I've asked for here. Practical advice on dealing with my intrusive thoughts. If others view some of the things you've said as challenging, I appreciate that you were trying to help clarify my stance and that needed to be clarified.
As I've said before, I have gained reassurance here. Strangely, even the horribly negative reactions I have received reassure me in the sense that my daughter has done the right thing and my feelings are a bit ridiculous. This helps me gain acceptance too.

I’m glad I didn’t cause offence.

Wishing you and your daughter well

@Firsttimemum120 sounds like your parents were similar to OP. The difference is that you do not know what they were thinking. I think it’s great that your parent(s) made you feel very supported and held you during this time.

It sounds like OP is doing exactly that and is being advised to make sure her DD feels supported.

Agree with @nancypowers1983
You definitely don’t want parents like mine who are hyper religious and I’d never breath a word about an abortion to - not forgetting that I would know their disapproval. (OP don’t be like my parent!)

hi,
i hope any one can give me some help , my daughter who is 19 , i thought was very close with me , we have been through a lot together , she does have a sister and 2 brothers, been through broken marriage with me, and i thought we were pretty close , she has had 2 consecutive miscarriages, which i supported her through her devastation when the scan was non viable and cried to me, we all knew she was craving a child, then a couple of days ago i find out that she had an abortion , i and her sister are struggling to come to terms with it , as she was desperate for a child and do not understand why she didnt talk to us, where as we would of helped her and guided her with all the options open to her, to make the decision which was right for her, i am struggling as a mother and any help would be very much appreciated .